Being A Man At The Ballgame

In this day and age, when Gino douche bags have on more makeup than their girlfriends and dudes actually talk to each other about moisturizers, it’s important to remember that there are a few distinct rules that govern the behaviour of men at a ballgame.

1. Equal parts enthusiasm and wit.

Yes, it’s more than acceptable for a man to get into a game by drinking beer, yelling at players and even dancing to music that plays over the P.A. system. However, all enthusiasm must be matched by wit.

For example, yelling an unoriginal, “You suck!” when the Tigers are visiting and Todd Jones comes into pitch is not only annoying, it’s ineffectual. Chanting “Old man!” over and over again is a bit better, but it’s got nothing on hollering “Moustache!” everytime he sets.

2. Attire.

If you’re wearing a jersey to the game and it has a number and name on the back, it must be a current player. The exceptions to this are: any player that won a World Series ring in a Blue Jay uniform, any player that has worked for the Jays after their career was over, any player on the ’85 Jays and any player deemed ironically worthy by myself. The name on the back should only go on a jersey that was around when that player was. For example, you can’t have a Manny Lee jersey with the current style.

3. Money.

You’re not allowed to complain about the prices at the ballgame. Everyone knows it’s expensive to buy a Philly cheese-steak sandwich and a beer at the game. No one is going to dispute it. Mentioning it only serves as a reminding downer to the hit your bank account takes during baseball season and the only reason you should feel down at the ballpark is if your team is losing or they're putting in a shitty reliever that you know is going to blow it.

4. Foul territory.

When a ball is hit into foul territory, unless you're interfering with a Jay trying to make an out, you should try to catch it. Do not use a hat or a baseball glove though, the sting on the palm of your hands is part of what you’re going after and pussying out with a glove or hat only serves to lessen the adrenaline rush.

As soon as a ball hits the ground or a seat, it is no longer worth catching. If it falls in your lap or lands right beside you, fine, but don’t make a big fuss out of getting the ball. You just picked it up. It’s not a big deal.

However, if you catch a ball, it is acceptable to raise your hands in celebration, but only for two seconds (maximum). Once you're done celebrating, you must give the ball to the youngest child within a six-foot radius.

When you first arrive at the game, it’s a good idea to scope out a kid in your area to give a potential ball to. This way, if you catch one, you're prepared to give it away. The faster you give the foul ball away, the more likely it is to appear on the Jumbotron or whatever it’s called now. This maneuver is basically a panty remover for any female in the audience.

It is never acceptable to duck out of the way of a ball, even if Vlad Guerrero lines one your way. You are allowed to cover your face in the event of a broken bat coming your way, but don’t make a big deal out of it. Act as though its just part of the game and move on.

5. Finally, and most importantly, just don't be gay.