Jays' Vision

As I make my way around the Rogers Centre concourse on game day, other fans often stop to ask me for my autograph, have their pictures taken with me, or get me to impregnate their girlfriends. While the requests may vary, one thing inevitably remains the same. They always ask the identical question. What’s the difference between a drunk Jays’ fan and a Drunk Jays Fan?

Other than being smarter and having sharper wit and better taste than all other Jays’ fans, we’ve also got something that $5 game programs and $80 in beer just can’t teach you. We’ve got Jays Vision.

No, I’m not referring to that thing they used to call the Jumbotron. Although, that would be a’ight to have as well. I’m referring to a certain level of sophistication that resides in Drunk Jays Fans. It allows us to see deeper into the Toronto Blue Jays team than anyone else.

For instance, take this recent article about Adam Lind’s call up to the Majors.

When the average drunk Jays’ fan reads this, assuming they’re fully literate, they will discern that Adam Lind and Ryan Roberts were tired from playing a doubleheader in Charlotte and slept in to recover.

However, a Drunk Jays Fan will read this article and know instantaneously that Adam Lind and Ryan Roberts are drunks. They got totally shit-faced on Thursday night after the doubleheader because they knew they didn’t have to play the next day. They were looking for some Charlotte kitty to punch and they probably ended up drunkenly phoning an escort service at four in the morning.

When the phone rang later that morning, Lind and Roberts were not asleep, but rather, totally coked up and Roberts, as usual, started wigging out with paranoia. He picked up the phone and immediately hung up because he was certain it was the FBI and CIA, cooperating in an inter-jurisdictional bust on minor league baseball players who snort cocaine.

Thankfully, it all worked out in the end and Lind is already making a valuable contribution to the Blue Jays offence.

Jays Vision. It’s just the sort of insight that you’re born with when you’re a Drunk Jays Fan.