Sometimes I just get tipsy

OK, since we have the day off today, and because Parkes brought up some of the subtle differences between Drunk Jays Fans and drunk Jays fans, I thought I’d try to tackle an issue that's been bothering me since home opener.

I’ve been noticing from the reports from the home games that there’s been some disturbing behaviour going on at the SkyDome, or the Rogers Centre, or the Beer Station, or whatever you want to call it. From examples pointed out in Stoeten’s and Parkes’ postings, and my own personal visits to where the Jays grace us with their awesomeness, it’s been perplexing finding out exactly what it is. While I immediately went to the obvious conclusion that people in attendance simply aren’t drunk enough, the key to this puzzle lies deeper. Aided by the genius of the Chairman, the answer is this: It’s not that people aren’t drunk enough, it’s that they aren’t directing their drunkenness properly.

Now if you’re thinking, “Whatever, man. Drunk is drunk. I get drunk! Huh. Go Leafs!” then do me a fucking favour and stop fucking reading and move somewhere else and don’t come back.

Some might view booze as the great equalizer in that we all pass out the same. But it's how you get there that counts. While I can hardly call this a complete guide, below you’ll find some do’s and don’ts in order to help you find out what may be separating you from true Drunken Jays awesomeness.

Attire

Now Parkes noted in an earlier posting that he was given shit by some douchebag for attending the game in a suit. This is bullshit. And I’m not only saying that because I’ve attended games in a suit. The fact is, sure, on the surface a suit equals yuppie and a yuppie can never be a Drunk Jay. But beneath the surface, there could be a Drunk Jay.

DO: For Towers’ first start, the Chairman and I got wicked seats in the VIP 200 section. Sure, we were in suits. But I had my JT-autographed Jays tee underneath just waiting to make an appearance Superman style. Mao opted for a Jays cap. And Parkes opted not to go home and get changed after work so he could pound in that many more pre-game drinks. All completely abiding to Drunk Jays etiquette. Plus, some of us actually have to work, jerk offs.


DON’T: Wear a suit and then talk on a cellphone during the game, explaining how wicked your seats are. This yuppie scum was sitting behind us doing that the whole game. And his colleague was asking HIM to explain the rules of baseball to him. Please, just stick to Leafs games. And if you want to wear a pink dress shirt, move to London.

Hats/Loyalty

Now this is going to seem somewhat insulting to your intelligence but we’re starting with baby steps here. For reasons inexplicable to anyone on the face of the Earth, I’ve seen two dudes so far at Rogers Centre rooting for the Jays WHILE WEARING FUCKING RED SOX CAPS. Now I’m getting a splitting headache just thinking about this. This defies all logic and almost makes me want to sign up for Jesus Camp this summer. But, I’ll try to explain this as concisely as possible.

- The Red Sox are in our division.
- They have the second-highest payroll in the league.
- They think they’re still a blue-collar team.
- We fucking hate them.

If you really want to demote yourself to the status of vermin scum, by all means, wear a Red Sox cap and cheer for them. If you want to be a normal human being, cheer for the Blue Jays and DON’T WEAR A RED SOX CAP.

Once again so everyone’s clear:

DO: Cheer for the Blue Jays.
DON’T: Cheer for the Blue Jays and wear a Red Sox hat.

Understand the basics of the game

OK, I know you’re pumped. It’s home opener and you’re totally loaded and the only way to keep your head from exploding is to yell. A lot. This is fine. I like to yell, too But try to think about what you’re saying, if only a half a second before you say it. Calling the ump a cocksucker for calling a ball gets old, especially when it’s a ball in our favour.

Heckling the other team is part of our job as spectators, but try to be creative. And as much as I like to swear, there’s bonus points for clever insults that won’t traumatize the six-year-old sitting next to you but will have the victim of your quip questionning his manhood for the rest of his life.

Even our own players sometimes let us down and suck the bag, and sometimes they need to hear about it. This keeps them on their toes and undoubtedly they’ll reward you with a ding dong later that you can take full credit for. Again, creativity is vital if you really want them to learn from their mistakes. Simply telling one of our own that he sucks is about as effective as when you tell your friend he sucks. Analogy holds true for not making remarks about the person’s family members. Unless they’re in attendance.

No rules apply when it comes to Butterfield. Yell whatever you want at him.

DO: Make intelligent, witty remarks in the guise of a frat boy.
DON’T: Be a frat boy.

I’m sorry to say that most of the atrocities I’ve witnessed have been in the 500 level seats. This is saddening because this is where the true fans should be sitting. Real Jays fans spend all their money on booze and whatever’s left over goes towards a seat. The difference between a 100-level seat and a nose bleeder is at least three large Rogers beers. And that’s a no-brainer.

But when you’re letting the watered down goodness bring you to an elevated plain, try to remember that baseball isn’t for morons. If you want that, go to a hockey game. So focus some of that drunkenness on the passion of the game. Sure, you’ll pass out like the dickhead who’s talking about the NHL playoffs next to you eventually, but you’ll be able to do it with dignity knowing that you made that evening’s game that much better with your righteousness. You’ll truly be able to collapse on your bed – or in the gutter – stating “I’m Drunk, and I’m proud.”