The Drunk Jays Fans' Guide To Punching Ball Park Kitty

It’s well-known that I’m simply irresistible to the ladies in pretty much any venue, but put me in a baseball park and something magical happens. Where it would normally take me about six drinks before the sexual telekinesis thing starts happening, at a ball game I’m there after only a couple sips of beer.

I was first clued into the fact that it’s easy to score at sporting venues when I saw the American cinema classic Fletch, starring Chevy Chase. In the film, Chevy Chase’s character, Irwin Fletcher, has a line mentioning that he always takes girls to Lakers' games for first dates.

In any other film, this would be nothing more than a throwaway line, but in a masterpiece like Fletch, even the tiniest aspect should be scrutinized because it more than likely offers life-changing advice to the audience.

You see, Fletch is the type of guy who gets what he wants. He’s the kind of guy who, when ladies start asking him questions, he calmly suggests, “Why don’t we go lay down and I’ll fill you in.” Obviously the guy knows what he’s doing.

I realize that the frat boy douche bags reading this are already saying that it’s easy to punch some kitty at the ball park; you just get the cutlet drunk. Now, yes, you can continue to buy drinks for the object of your affection until she's comatose, but not only does this get pricey after a while (drinks at the ballgame are more expensive than a gentleman’s club), but there are better tools at your disposal (yeah, you know what tool I’m talkin’ about).

The Loud And Humourous Friend

Whether you’re taking a lucky lady or planning on meeting a lady and getting her lucky, you should always go with funny friends that are loud. If you’re on the prowl, a loud friend will get you noticed and you can turn that into an immediate connection by making eye contact, smirking and rolling your eyes a bit when talent looks over to see what the ruckus is about.

This lets the potential kitty punchee know that you not only have a sense of humour, but you also have a sense of decorum and you’re not going to go out of your way to seek attention. This is important because all females want to be little star ballerinas and you have to let them know that you'll allow it.

If you brought someone, a funny and loud friend can break any tension that might exist. It’s also a good opportunity to imply that normally you’d be yelling right along with him, but you’re trying to be mature out of respect for her. Chicks love that shit when you put some effort in on their behalf. It makes them feel special and could lead to them letting you tap it from behind.

Also, chicks know shit about baseball, so it’s important to have someone to talk with about situational pitchers and fielding shifts.

Drinking

Obviously, like any other time you plan on talking up talent, you should be buzzed, but not loaded. A buzz helps you relax and seem calm, cool and collected. It’s the only time that this formula actually works C3 = C.

If you’re anything like me, drunkenness at the ballpark leads to things like telling a visible minority to simmer down, yelling "douche bagger" at Justin Duchscherer or the always ill-advised bare-chested-shirt-waving-in-a-lassoo-motion-above-your-head. This stuff is pickup poison, believe me.

Sidenote: Although, it does make for good dude stories at a later date. “Remember that time Parkes brought that kitty to the ballpark and got into the argument with the eight year old sitting behind us?” Immediate laughter ensues.

Explain Don’t Inform

As I mentioned earlier, chicks know shit about baseball. While some dudes get off on the fact that they can be Mr. Informer and teach their special lady (for the night) about all the aspects of the game, while simultaneously attempting to show off to the people seated nearby, you are better than that.

Pretend as though you respect her intelligence. Pretend as though you think she might know something about the game. You can even go so far as to pretend that some of her ball park observations are interesting.

Then wait. Guaranteed, she’ll ask you a question and you’ll get to appear as though you’re Peter Fucking Gammons with your thoughtful reply. If you throw in a couple of dumbed down pop culture references that she’ll actually get (That’s Gustavo Chacin. He’s as bald as Britney Spears.), you’ll more than likely be rewarded with some oral action before you get to stick it inside of her.

The Passion

Remember that the entire time you’re trying to score, you are on a bedroom audition. Let her know that you really care about the outcome of the game. When the Blue Jays score, stand up and clap (fuck, throw in a fist-pump if you’re feeling it), just make sure you go to her first for a high-five or celebratory hug. Then, linger just a bit too long, but not creepy long (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’re a creep).

If the Blue Jays give up a run, look disappointed; then make fun of yourself for getting worked up by exaggerating your commiseration or mocking your tears. This let’s her know that you have feelings, but that you’re manly about them and are somewhat ashamed to show them. This is pretty much a panty remover because, unless she’s got a diaper fetish (awesome!) her undergarments are soaking wet at this point.

The Closer

On the way back to her place (always the preferential destination), tell her a couple stories about when you were a kid at the ballgame.

If you don’t have one, I recommend using Paul Auster’s about Willie Mays. The short of it was that Mays was Auster’s favourite player and he ran into him after a ballgame and asked for his autograph only to discover that he didn’t have a pen. Just make sure to dress it up, make it personal and use players that played while you were actually alive.

Finally, only pretend to put a condom on. There’s no point in letting anything between you and a kitty well punched.