Hey Cynical Fuckface...

You might think that going to a ton of ballgames might soften the edges on the ballpark experience, and in a way make each game a little less meaningful. Maybe that's true when you're on the wrong end of a steaming three-and-a-half hour dump, but days like today are undeniably special.

There are only a handful of games every year that go down as truly memorable, and even though it's been less than 12 hours since leaving the park, there's no question that this is one of them. When the atmosphere is like that, it makes you remember why you always wanted to be one of those people who goes to the ballpark every day.

Of course, for every special game, there is always a special little fucktard waiting to piss all over everybody else's good time.

Parkes has already mentioned one of these botched abortions, but there was another shit stain sitting behind us. This moron decided to take it personally that the rest of the ballpark was cheering for Frank Thomas after the slugger's awakening bat had finally brought him to within one F-Bomb of the 500 milestone.

Now, anybody who knows me knows that I'm not a violent person-- mostly due to a lack of ability to inflict violence on anyone-- but if you're reading this, cynical fuckface, please know that you're goddamn lucky I thought better of turning around and punching the living fuck out of you when you told people to sit down who had stood up to cheer for Thomas as he came to bat for the first time after jacking the 499th long hard ding-dong of his career.

Sit down??? For starters, you lazy cunt, you're at a baseball game. Standing up when the crowd in front of you stands is part of the bargain. Besides, Thomas was only about to take his first attempt at being only the 21st player to hit 500 career home runs in the goddamn one-hundred-thirty-fucking-five year history of the game. Trust me dipshit, you got off easy.

Then, after I not-so-subtly called you a retard, I heard you attempting to explain yourself to whatever self-esteemless peckers you managed to drag with you-- presumably so that you could have an audience for the brown stuff coming out of your mouth.

You just don't understand the attention that Frank gets. You hate people act like he's "God's gift to baseball". You think it's empty cheering because the majority of Frank's home runs were hit for the Chicago White Sox.

Listen you ignorant fuck, I don't know what planet you fucking live on, but the fact that you think he gets too much attention or used to play elsewhere has nothing to do with it. He's part of this team now-- the one that the shirt you don't deserve to wear and your overcompensatingly-loud cheering for Aaron Hill's following at bat suggest you support. This is a major accomplishment for one of the Jays, regardless of how he got here, and the home run he hits as number 500 will be a home run for the Jays, so I really don't understand what your fucking problem is.

And not only are you a total retard for not wanting to cheer Thomas, I also heard you actually fucking wonder aloud whether Gibbons would pull McGowan prematurely during his no-hit bid-- because he did it to Marcum that one time.

Holy fucking fuck, I nearly had to slap you again!

For one thing, shit nuts, if you take a look at the bullpen and nobody is warming up, chances are the pitcher is staying in. That's just basic common fucking sense. As for Marcum being pulled that time-- if you had read anything about it or were the slightest bit inquisitive, rather than simply a fucking windbag, you'd know that Marcum hadn't thrown so many pitches in a long time and was on a self-imposed pitch count. He said himself that his arm had tired.

I mean, holy shit asshole. Believe me, I'm all for being a cynical, pessimistic, bitter, angry fuck (um... obviously), but at least know what the fuck you're talking about.