Friday Afternoon Linkin Park

Usually after a weekend of binge drinking, I feel all depressed and I start thinking of the more than three million people who bought Linkin Park’s last album (I’d rather listen to fat, hungry women eating Sloppy Joes while they shit) and I wonder if there’s any hope for humanity.

Then I surf the internet and find links like these and they make me feel as though life is worth living, so I put the revolver away for one more day.

Hey, have you ever been on a date and “listened” to some broad go on and on about her family’s medical history, while you secretly wonder how far John “The Prime Minister of Defence” McDonald’s homerun against the Yankees was hit and what part of the stadium it landed in?

No, you’re obsessed.

Anyway, you should check out Hit Tracker Online, which has a measurement and landing location for every single homerun hit this year in every ballpark across the league. It’s insanely awesome that this site is free.

I thought I was cool for having four fantasy baseball teams this year, but try as I might; I’ve never been invited to play in Tout Wars. Remember Ken from Jeopardy? From a representative of Baseball Prospectus to the guy who writes the Baseball Forecaster every year, Tout Wars is where all the Kens of fantasy baseball compete against each other.

Our friends at Home Run Derby take a look at Nick “Samson” Swisher’s stats pre-haircut vs. post-haircut. Check out the picture where he’s getting the haircut from his dad. When was Swisher a creepy magician who frightens children by saying “magique” while arching his eyebrows? Oh, wait, that’s just d’Artagnan being d’Artagnan.

It’s pretty rad to memorize these and then when you’re playing wiffleball and you’re in need of yet another tallboy, you can shout to the person closest to the cooler: “Yo bartender, Jobu needs a refill.”

Speaking of the which, we totally missed a very important birthday.