Was That a Win???: My View From Reading the Boxscore While Hung-Over

Holy shit, I think the Jays won last night. At least that's what the boxscore said... meaning I'm still a little suspicious. After all, they weren't even playing at home. But fuck it, I'll take it. They won. Fuckin' eh!

So, yeah... I didn't watch it. Fucking sue me. I got home in time for Wilner, and that's all that really matters at this point in the season...


Layin' Down the Law
Because of his falling out over philosophical differences with Ricciardi (who, you'll notice, still looks like a muppet), I always like to keep tabs on ESPN baseball analyst Keith Law-- especially when he's talking about the Jays. Law was on the Fan590's Chuck Swirsky show this week, and while most of their conversation focussed on the rest of the Major Leagues, they took time for a brief Jays discussion before the end of the segment. As usual, Law unintentionally shone some light on those creative differences with JP.

Naturally Law is not a fan of the direction of this team. For starters, it doesn't impress him that Ricciardi has stopped building his team around the patient, high on-base batters that were supposed to be his trademark. He was also concerned—well… concerned if we pretend he actually gives a shit—about how the Jays have completely locked themselves into most positions, and that the ones they could most easily upgrade (SS and C) don't have much to offer on the upcoming free agent market.

Of course, it wouldn't be very smart of Law to go around lavishing praise on an organization he departed the way he did, so it's hard to put a whole ton of stock into what he says-- especially when you remember that this is the guy who assured the world that Vernon Wells would never re-sign in Toronto-- but still… he makes some pretty decent observations, no?

Now if only he'd tell us what the fuck we can do about it!

Last Night's Beverages of Choice: Molson Stock Ale, Carlsberg, Canadian Club and Water

Awesome Paraphrased Pregame Show Quote of the Week: Huston Street of the A's, while interviewing his University of Texas bud Curtis Thigpen, is distracted by someone speaking to him off-mic.

Street: "Bob Geren wants me to go shag right now, so I've got to finish this up."

Yeah baby!

(Oh, um... sorry for two Mike Myers references in one day. I truly feel dirty... and un-fucking-funny... and like a douche who got his buddy Wayne Gretzky to get him Leafs/Kings playoff tickets in 1993 but then showed up in a Leafs jersey, enraging Getskee into dominating the Leafs and preventing them from the last best chance at the cup.)

Awesome Paraphrased Wilnerisms Of the Night: As can be expected on a late night Extendo Jays Talk, there was a lot going on last night, most of which had me wondering: WHO THE FUCK TEACHES THESE RETARDS???

At least, that's what I drunkenly wrote in my notebook (albeit with several additional question marks) after some moron called in to say that what the Jays truly lack is "pure out grit".

Are you fucking shitting me??? Parrotting meaningless horse shit from the worst type of hockey commentators? People seriously have these thoughts and then decide that they're so fucking bang on that they need to call into a radio show and bestow their brilliant analysis on the confused masses?

There was also someone who I've noted as "sad frustrated bastard who doesn't see it", and the guy who was shitting on Gibbons for managing by the numbers too often, instead of by his gut. Hey assface, you realize that if Gibbons managed by his gut all the time and ignored the numbers, you'd shit on that too, right... you fucking twat!!!!

I'll fully admit that maybe I haven't quite grasped the fact that sports fans everywhere are exactly the same, and that there's nothing especially pathetic about the herd mentality among Leafs fans, but honestly... I completely blame the Leafs for why fans in this city are so fucked in the head. I don't necessarily have any "evidence" to back this up, we're surrounded by such a swirling clusterfuck of Leaf-related horseshit that I think a lot of people figure they can just use the way they think about the Leafs and impose that on how they think about other teams. But the thing is... it just kind of exposes them as fucking morons.

And then there was the guy who called in claiming that nobody ever talks about Mickey Brantley. Wilner: "NOBODY TALKS ABOUT MICKEY BRANTLEY??? We have a half-dozen guys calling in to complain about Mickey Brantley every show."

Quote That I Don't Know is Really A Quote: I guess I was drunk and had turned out the lights last night, but for some reason still tried to scratch out a few notes during the closing minutes of Jays Talk. I guess that means that what I wrote down can't exactly be trusted, but not long after I noted Wilner giving up on trying to remember which territory his caller was from by simply saying he was from "the Whitehorse", I wrote this: "Juan Pierre maybe signed one of the worst contracts ever signed in the history of anything that was ever signed." Gold!

Sorry Again Mike!: Obviously I'm a big fan of Wilner's, but that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy the hell out of a little trick of his that backfired.

I remember about this time last season when a guy called in to bitch about how often Vernon Wells was hitting into double plays (at least, I think it was Wells). Wilner asked him how many double plays he thought Wells had hit into to that point, after about 450 at bats. The guy throws out some ludicrous number like 120, and was appropriately ridiculed.

Well, last night somebody was bitching about the number of double plays Frank Thomas had hit into, so Wilner tried it again and the guy completely lowballed him! Caller: "I don't know... ten?"

Of course, it's equally ludicrous that the guy would be so pissed off about ten fucking double plays over the course of a season, but I still got a wicked chuckle out of the backfire.

Lastly...
I've been kinda thinking about it lately and... I am still really, really, really story about being the cause of the Jays' shitty season.

(Oh, and go GSP! ... and our ol' buddy JY and the Canadian national basketball team. Get to the fucking Olympics already!)


This post now available on Gizoogle.