Biggest Douche in the (Baseball) Universe

(UPDATE: As expected, the fun didn't last and Conlin has kicked in with the damage control (check the original link). He doesn't seem like such a douche, though still a bit misguided. I mean, believe it or not I sort of understand how slander is not good, but holy shit, exactly how fucking vanilla would this mouthpiece for the king like the world to be?

And it's funny, in the updated exchanges he talks about how he-- quite admirably-- used to be the kind of guy who'd go against the grain and say things people might not want to hear, but here he's so hung up on the established rules, the status quo, the appointed voices coming down the mountain to tell the people, who can't control themselves enough to have proper opinions, what to think. So yeah, he's still completely a douche.

I mean, I don't rule out the possibility that he's a nice, decent, well-meaning enough guy-- same with Griffin-- but I don't see how that makes it so we can't colourfully disagree. Right?

Just ask a certain Ms. Penny; we'll correct something if we seem to have really crossed the line. I mean, it's all in good fun that I pity Victor Zambrano's children. Jesus, lighten up people.)

If you're like me, you've been following today's hilarious exchanges between the Phillies bloggers at CrashburnAlley, and Bill Conlin, a dickish columnist at the Philadelphia Daily News, henceforth to be referred to as Dick Griffin's long lost retard brother.

I don't want to put off getting to the most amazing quote in the history of the world, so let me sum it up real quick:

Conlin writes a shitty article (which Fire Joe Morgan has fantastically cut apart) that disputes Sabermetrics and exhalts Jimmy Rollins' MVP win.

Bill from CrashburnAlley-- a Phillies blog-- emails him asking him to explain how it's possible that Rollins had a better year than David Wright, and gives the facts to back up Wright's superiority.

Conlin responds insanely to this friendly questioning by asking Bill to compare careers with him-- because obviously being a professional douche with tinted sunglasses for forty years makes your opinion correct. (In fact, all book covers should picture the author vainly sucking in his gut and struggling not to breathe through his mouth because even the exertion necessary to lift a half-full coffee mug causes him to sweat profusely. What? You don't believe me? Well, how many book covers have you been on, jackass?)

Bill emails back.

Conlin, it turns out, is even more of a lazy, tactless douche than his picture leads on. From the email he's "read" he seems to gather that Bill is an irate Mets fan, despite being told explicitly otherwise. He comes up with a bunch nonsensical horseshit.

Bill emails back.

Hilarity ensues.... culminating (at least so far) with the following witty retort from a genuine, grade A fucking shit eating douche. In all honesty, I hope to fuck this isn't over yet. It's so gold. I mean, how is this asshole even employed??? (Well, to be fair, after the Hitler comment, he's so not gonna be.) And we thought Griffin was bad!!!

The only positive thing I can think of about Hitler’s time on earth–I’m sure he would have eliminated all bloggers. In Colonial times, bloggers were called “Pamphleteers.” They hung on street corners handing them out to passersby. Now, they hang out on electronic street corners, hoping somebody mouses on to their pretentious sites. Different medium, same MO. Shakespeare accidentally summed up the genre best with these words from a MacBeth soliloquy: “. . .a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. . .”

Note: He really fucking does kinda look like Griffin's long lost retard brother!

The quote there is amazing on so many levels, but I think obviously the most hilarious thing about it is how Mr. I'm Going to Give You a History Lesson over here is amazingly missing the whole entire fucking significance of pamphleteers, and is basically arguing that him and his boy Hitler are both for being giant sacks of authoritarian shit. Hey dumb fuck, what role did these pamphleteers have in promoting democracy and questioning the divine right of kings? Where would we all be if there hadn't been people who were so sick and tired of listening to status quo blowhards for the Philadelphia Daily News dribbling shit out of their mouths that they went and made an effort to show the world how they saw it?

Tom Paine, you fucking fool.

(So... you may have noticed that I added some updates here. Thing is, I wrote the original at my desk after work, and I really wanted to get the hell out of there. So it ended up being even more rushed and full of typos than usual. I then realized that this guy is genuinely as fucking stupid a pompous douche as I could ever imagine, and with an army of bloggers coming at him now, I realized I needed to get my shots in early. The fun with this simply isn't going to last (and after that Hitler comment, neither is his job). Out-arguing a human joke gets easy real quick, so I figured I'd throw in a few more shots while the story's still fresh.)