The Litsch is Back! Even Jamie Campbell's unbearably lame pun about a Fenway late-inning tradition ("Sweet Caroline? Sweet game") couldn't break the tension in yesterday's fantastically pitched affair. Jesse Litsch was exactly the sort of unknown young pitcher that the Jays have been frustrated by so many times this year. It's kind of nice to be on the other side of that coin. Not to be a dick or anything, but I'd advise you to enjoy it while it lasts. Litsch is a very nice young pitcher and all, but his stuff isn't anything special. If he wants to be more than just a serviceable Major League pitcher, he's going to have to make some rapid adjustments once the league starts catching up to him-- because trust me, they will. Are you listening Gustavo? Josh?
Retribution? I'm not going to lie to you; I didn't watch much of this series. On Saturday we went to Albert's Parlour-- the OTB above the Brunny. We were already shitfaced, and quite certain that an establishment like that would show the ballgame, as well as all the fucking horse racing you could handle. But no, apparently devoting one measly TV to programming that you can't bet the money you've earmarked for child support payments on was too much. We were stuck with just the ponies, and quite frankly, I don't even give a fuck. That shit was awesome, and I nailed taking Ameripan Gigolo at 7-1 to win, place and show in the fourth at Mohawk. You fucking stallion!
Anyway, what that means-- beside the fact that I basically offset my drinking costs for the day (boner!)-- is that I don't have too much to say about the series at Fenway, and am a little more focused on the upcoming one in the Bronx. In particular, I can't fucking wait for the first inning, when Joshy Towers becomes the first Jays pitcher to face Stray-Rod since the Wolfman decided not to throw one at his precious little ribs in the inning that followed the infamous "ha" play back in whatever month that was. The Globe has an excellent little piece about it today, where the Jays certainly don't go out of their way to rule out the possibility.
I hope to hell that Towers plunks that fucker, and that nobody rushes to his aid when he charges the mound. I'm skeptical that the Jays are the kind of ballclub who would do such a thing, but I think that secretly, the Jays are exactly the kind of ballclub who would do such a thing. If Burnett was the one out there, there wouldn't be a doubt. But I won't put it past Towers to do something either. He's got such a fragile ego that he might think it might actually endear him to somebody. It sure as fuck would work for me.
League Returns, Does Nothing Brandon League was a somewhat surprising call-up ahead of Sunday's game with the Red Sox. It should be interesting to see where he falls in the bullpen pecking order, but I hope to hell that he's immediately ahead of Frasor. And vaarwel to Jordan "Dutch Clutch" de Jong.
This Weekend's Beverages of Choice: Carling, Wisers and Giner Ale, Jagerbombs, Budweiser, French Rabbit Pinot Noir, French Rabbit Reserve, Iced Tea, Kozel
Awesome Paraphrased Wilnerism of the Weekend: Wliner: "Turn down your radio." Caller: "Turn down the radio?" Wilner: "Yeah. Like the screener told you to."
I will fully admit that I didn't catch much Wilner, and that what I did catch this afternoon was an abbreviated version of Jays Talk, because for some reason the Fan is obligated to go to ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball pregame show. So, there wasn't much to work with, OK????
Non-Baseball Thing That May Only Be Funny to Me: Dutch Crunch Immediately when you walk into the Hasty Market at King and Dufferin in Parkdale, you're face to face a little product called "Dutch Crunch". Naturally, this has become the new name for my,... uh... Sunday morning ritual.
Admit it: the Boston Red Sox aren't good. They aren't as good as their record, their players aren't as good as the seasons they're having, and there are only two guys in their lineup that I'd rather have than what we've got (guess which?). Yeah, I'm incredibly biased, but seriously, fuck that team. I just don't get it. And it is too incredibly frustrating to be so far behind these shitty fucks, and then to lose games like the one last night, that the Jays absolutely should have had. I still think a win at this point is ostensibly just a piss in the ocean, but that one still shouldn't have got away.
I'm not even talking about how it was another un-Halladay performance. Really, it came down to Vernon's bad turn on a ball at the warning track that did it. Granted, it wasn't an easy catch to make, but for a guy with as much talent as Vernon, who constantly makes the spectacular look routine, it shouldn't have been a problem. But it's not even shocking in a game full of bad bounces, bad calls, and just generally bad luck. The Jays (er... Stairs and Rios) had done well to claw back, and had clearly shifted the momentum in their favour, but stupid little shit was just killing them. Fuck I hate the Red Sox.
Saw it in His Eyes Me and Gibbers, we think alike. Unfortunately, I think last night's shitty first base ump does too.
Early in the game, with the Jays well behind, the cameras caught Gibbons in a thoughtful glare at the home plate umpire after several shitty calls. I called it right then that Gibbons had the look of a man determined to light a fire under his team, and would inevitably get himself tossed. Sure enough, he eventually went for it, but the fucking first base umpire seemed to sense that too, and threw him out as subtly as humanly possible.
As Parkes has already mentioned, though, Gibbons nailed the ejection, even when the asshole ump wouldn't bite on a confrontation. Making a pitching change after getting tossed? What a human being!!!
Hey Toronto Star! What the Fuck? Do you remember yesterday, Toronto Star? When you said in your paper that Aaron Hill was about to be placed on the 15-Day DL with a knee injury that had kept him out of the last game before the All-Star break?-- which, I should add, I can't even link to because it no longer appears on your website.
Well, a funny thing happened at the ballpark last night. Hill played. And then a funnier thing happened in your paper this morning: you buried the correction and deferred blame to a "highly placed team source". I guess you figured it was clear-enough that the report you published was rumour and speculation. That's a little fucking weak. You printed it, so fucking own up to it. Like the pea-brained member of the "Fire Gibbons" brigade on Jays Talk last night who said "accountability" fourteen times said: Accountability.
Awesome Paraphrased Wilnerism of the Night: "OK, ahh... thanks for the call, but. . . that made no sense."
Reason Wilner is Better than the American Public #12: "You can't just pick one word and stay 'on message'. If you want to prove a point, that's fine, but you've got to give me reasons."
Flipping Channels: Gears of Wars (XBox 360), Joe (Drive In), 1986 World Series: Game 6 (ESPN Classic Canada) As much as Gears of War looks a little fucking awesome (at least,... as awesome as every other gore-filled first-person-shooter), having to sit there while your roommate plays it at full volume between innings is a little fucking annoying. Adam is goddamn lucky he's a good guy.
Then, after we got back from a post-game sorrow-drowning trip to the bar expecting just to pass out, we discovered two incredible things on the TV simultaneously.
Joe is the now-classic exploration of the late 60s generation gap shot through the prism of Peter Boyle’s crazed proto-Archie Bunker “Average Joe”. It doesn’t come at you with a billion jump cuts like it might if it were made today, but fundamentally, it's got it all: killing hippies, an awesome ignorant racist gun-freak, blackmail, lots of drugs, lots of sex, and more killing hippies. How can you go wrong?
Apparently Boyle (sadly, now best remembered as “Raymond’s dad”) quickly grew to detest the role—mostly because he played it so fucking awesomely well. Joe is the film’s villain—a crude representative of the dark side of Nixon’s “Silent Majority”—but the response the actor received about the role was overwhelmingly sympathetic to the character's rampant, All-American ignorance and racism. Typical horse shit from the kind of brain damaged fucks who probably cheered when Captain America got it at the end of Easy Rider. The reaction disturbed Boyle greatly and pushed him deeper into left-wing causes (John Lennon was the best man at his wedding, for fuck sakes!—seriously… Raymond’s dad).
Anyway, good movie, great performance.
A lot of people scoff at the idea of watching old sporting events that you know the outcome of, but if I wasn’t before, I’m now totally convinced that those people are idiots. Is the Godfather any less enjoyable when you know what happens to Sonny? Is it pointless to watch Total Recall because you know that the little midget broad with the machine gun gets to live because Quaid follows Kuato’s advice and manages to start the reactor that gives Mars it’s own breathable atmosphere? Fuck no.
Well, you may not believe it, but ballgames are exactly the same way, and Game Six is practically Citizen fucking Kane. We all know what happens, but fuck if it isn’t as compelling to watch today as it would have been back then. Well, kind of. You watch it in a different way when you know what’s going to happen, but it’s still fucking awesome. (PS: Eat shit, Red Sox)
Usually after a weekend of binge drinking, I feel all depressed and I start thinking of the more than three million people who bought Linkin Park’s last album (I’d rather listen to fat, hungry women eating Sloppy Joes while they shit) and I wonder if there’s any hope for humanity.
Then I surf the internet and find links like these and they make me feel as though life is worth living, so I put the revolver away for one more day.
Hey, have you ever been on a date and “listened” to some broad go on and on about her family’s medical history, while you secretly wonder how far John “The Prime Minister of Defence” McDonald’s homerun against the Yankees was hit and what part of the stadium it landed in?
No, you’re obsessed.
Anyway, you should check out Hit Tracker Online, which has a measurement and landing location for every single homerun hit this year in every ballpark across the league. It’s insanely awesome that this site is free.
I thought I was cool for having four fantasy baseball teams this year, but try as I might; I’ve never been invited to play in Tout Wars. Remember Ken from Jeopardy? From a representative of Baseball Prospectus to the guy who writes the Baseball Forecaster every year, Tout Wars is where all the Kens of fantasy baseball compete against each other.
Our friends at Home Run Derby take a look at Nick “Samson” Swisher’s stats pre-haircut vs. post-haircut. Check out the picture where he’s getting the haircut from his dad. When was Swisher a creepy magician who frightens children by saying “magique” while arching his eyebrows? Oh, wait, that’s just d’Artagnan being d’Artagnan.
It’s pretty rad to memorize these and then when you’re playing wiffleball and you’re in need of yet another tallboy, you can shout to the person closest to the cooler: “Yo bartender, Jobu needs a refill.”
For those not following my live-blog of the All-Star game (let’s never speak of that again), Alex Rios caught the final out.
So, what did the All-Star do with the only ball he touched in San Francisco (aside from the left testicle of Placido Polanco dressed up like a biker dude)?
Bob Elliot, covering the game for the Toronto Sun, came up to Rios in the locker room afterwards and asked the Jays’ right fielder if he was going to keep the ball or give it to K-Rod who got the save. Rios immediately shit his pants and shook his head.
He had tossed it into the crowd immediately after recording the out.
Oh man, though, did he hear it from the rest of the Jays. Upon seeing Hill head over to the batting cages, the humourous wit Troy Glaus asked, “How can you hit in the cage when you’re on the DL?”
BURN!
Hill went to see a specialist over the All-Star break who originally said that he might need to take some time off, but his treatment worked wonders and Hill was good to go.
Roy Halladay pitched like it was batting practice for the first two innings and then just when it looked like the Jays were going to get back into it, Brian Tallet gave up two runs.
The Good
Matt Stairs and Alex Rios hit back-to-back solo homeruns to put the Jays within a run of the Red Sox.
The Bad
Almost every single other aspect of this game was pretty much terrible. Even V-Dub misjudged a fly ball.
The Ugly
John Gibbons got himself ejected from the game in the eighth inning for arguing a call that replays showed was mishandled by first base umpire John Hirschbeck.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I love seeing Gibbers getting all fired up, but at that point it was too little too late for him to motivate the team. Gibbons had a great opportunity earlier in the game when Gregg Zaun was called out on a strike nowhere near the zone to come out and get himself tossed.
Overall, we were hosed on calls all night. Is it my imagination, or is umpire Laz Diaz particularly terrible at home plate?
One humourous note: After getting ejected and on his way back to the dugout, it appeared as though Gibbons asked the second base umpire if he could still make a pitching change. When crew chief Hirschbeck, whom Gibbers had been arguing with, came over to signal a pitching change, Gibbons continued on his way without saying anything to Casey Janssen who was on the mound at the time.
It's Thursday, which is often a tedious off-day for the Jays and those of us for whom they make life worth living. Of course, it isn't an off-day today, but that won't stop me from introducing a new Thursday regular (provided I remember to do it next week), Gibbers' and Griffins'.
This Weeks Griffin: What, JP? Nothing of Aaron Hill? I'm going to level with you, I pretty much hit my snooze button 16 times before I can actually get myself up in the morning. At some point during this process, I throw the radio on to listen to Landry and Stellick, but I'm still half asleep through their regular interviews with John Gibbons and JP Ricciardi. It's only when Sam Mitchell (i.e. "Smitch") is on with those clowns that I actually find the resolve to stay awake and pay attention.
In other words, take this accusation for what it's worth, but I could have sworn I heard Riccardi tout that his team would finally be back to full strength here for the second half.
Now, why the fuck would he say that? There were suspicions when he sat out the last game before the All-Star break that something was wrong with Aaron Hill's knee, and we all know now that he's been placed on the 15-Day DL.
Sadly, this latest piece of bad news probably isn't going to have a dramatic impact on the team, considering the way that Hill has been hitting since... well, since I soberly asserted that he had a somewhat realistic shot at a 20 HR, 100 RBI season (seriously, I did). Don't get me wrong, I think Hill is great, and it's another blow to the team to lose him ahead of the eight most important games of the year (at least, for those of us still foolishly holding out hope for this season to be pulled from the shitter). What I'm more interested in, though, is why Ricciardi wouldn't be up front about the situation?
The audio of this morning's conversation will undoubtedly wind up on the Fan's Hot Audio page-- if it hasn't shown up there already-- so my ability to remember shit will half-asleep may simply be proven shitty. And, to be perfectly honest, I don't really have any sinister theories about why it happened, it's just... weird.
For that, JP, I'm giving you a big fat, drunk, pompous Griffin.
This Weeks Gibbers: Rejoice The Passage of Time! When I was in highschool I listened to a whole lot of Pink Floyd. Even now, as my tastes have grown... well, I wouldn't say "more adult", but maybe "away from bloated self-indulgent proggy horse cock", I can still listen to pretty much anything they did up to about Wish You Were Here. And the Syd Barrett-era shit, naturally, is unbelievable. But does this mean that I want to watch an excruciatingly long ad for a Roger Waters concert on the JumboTron at every single fucking home game? Fuck no.
Mercifully, the concert will be taking place over the weekend, and they can finally put those fucking ads to rest. Thank fuck!
For that, you get the most badass fucking Gibbers you ever saw, Concept of Time! Might I suggest framing it and keeping it next to your power tools, above the beer fridge in your garage.
I’m not sure if Griffin is just taking credit for someone else’s thoughts in his latest mailbag installment, or they’re actually his own.
Either way, he does raise an interesting point about J.P. Ricciardi’s sudden distaste for A.J. Burnett possibly stemming from the whispers that the Jays’ most prized asset, Mr. Roy Halladay is currently toughing out an injury.
We all know Halladay is as tough as a pickup truck and as talented at pitching as a swampsquatch is at being imaginary. So, in light of his recent run of shitiness (a 7.59 ERA since May 1), it really wouldn’t be that surprising to learn that The Doctor is nursing something sore.
Seriously, if you, your friends and Roy Halladay were all under attack from zombies and Halladay got bitten, instead of slicing his head off right away, you’d wait ‘til he helped you get to somewhere safe and then, at the last possible second before he was fully zombified, through tears in your eyes, you’d do him in. And the thing about The Doctor is that he wouldn’t mind. He’d totally be willing to sacrifice himself like that.
This is a stark contrast to Mr. D.L. Burnett (as Mike “Wordmaster” Toth calls him) and that’s obviously frustrating to Ricciardi. I’m not sure if it’s due to an earlier injury experience or what, but A.J. seems to be a little bit of a scaredy cat when it comes to testing his arm if anything feels a little bit off.
What gets my goat about Burnett is that this season he’s been trying to take on a team leadership role with his shaving cream pies and mentoring the younger players. Even earlier in the year when Halladay went down, Burnett rose to the occasion and pitched like an ace.
However, if Ricciardi’s accusations are true and Burnett is unwilling to pitch through a slight strain, his actions are the exact opposite of what a clubhouse leader is supposed to do.
To end this in Griffinesque fashion: As much as it seems Burnett wants to be a leader on this team, I still think he needs to pass The Doctor’s med school.
As mentioned by Bergkamp below, Aaron Hill has been placed on the DL with an apparent sore knee.
I'm not even going to get into my hatred of Russ "Bird-Dog" Adams. That's a post on its own.
If you remember way back to the Blue Jays’ last game before the All-Star break, you may recall that the A-Dawg took a breather. When asked about it at the time, manager John Gibbons told the media that he didn’t think it was anything serious, he was just resting his knee . . . and then whamo, the 15-day DL.
You know that shitty WW II movie that’s only in my mind, where a bunch of Allied soldiers are in a POW camp and all the Nazi German soldiers are real fucking pieces of work. Except there’s this one guy in there, the dude who runs the camp, and he actually respects the soldiers and tries to stop the higher ups from fucking with them.
He even meets with the main character and they share stories when no one is looking because even though they’re enemies, they have mutual respect for each other. But then, one day, the main character sees him throw Radio Rahim out of his pizza shop and he’s crushed because he thought the Nazi was on his side, so he responds by throwing a garbage can through his window and starting a riot.
Despite the threat of getting gunned down by Nerf bullets, I have a right mind to throw a garbage can through manager John Gibbon’s office window today. I can understand lies coming from the Ministry of Misinformation that is J.P. Ricciardi and his front office, but Gibbers?
No way! No fucking way! So we start the second half of the season tonight, and while we welcome the return of Lyle "Overbay-Overwall" Overbay (fuck you, naysayers), we will be without Aaron "Why the fuck wasn't I at the all-star game?" Hill. The A-Dog is on the 15-day disabled list due to some swelling in his knee which we won't even speculate on why that might be. OK, that link was unnecessary. Hill has been nothing but absolute class. But he's so classy that I suspect he can take a joke, too.
But speaking of class, the exact opposite of the word will be in town to replace him ... Russ mutherfuckin' Adams, y'all. Batting .265, with eight homers and 42 RBIs in 82 games with Triple-A Syracuse, Adams (seen pictured in a routine play to first base with a throw that's nowhere near first base) is taking his first trip out of Syracuse in ... how fucking long has it been? The man who Wilner once claimed would be the leadoff hitter for the Jays for the next five years (I know you guys love Wilner, but considering all of his nitpicking, you gotta give him shit when it's due), will be returning to the majors. No fucking way.
Not like I can really say anything about giving guys another chance. My favourite player belongs in fucking Double A. And you know, this could be kinda exciting. After months of all-star deserving plays by Aaron -- which, as much as we try not to take for granted, are so amazingly stellar that we do take them for granted no matter how hard we cheer -- I'm looking forward to totally shitting my shorts every time a ground ball goes anywhere near the new A-Dog. Play ball!
P.S. Hill, I'm sorry about that joke. Get well soon. Very fucking soon.
The All-Star Break is nearly over, yet we've still got hours and hours to kill before the second half of the season finally gets underway. So I figured, what better time to dip into the ol' Mail Bag and see if I can't produce some answers that aren't unbearably dull?
As you might expect, the foul shit that we write generates quite a lot of feedback, and I guess it's only fair that we respond. I'll be a gentleman and let all of our letter-writers here remain anonymous, mostly so as not to discourage morons from writing in and getting vilified. Fortunately-- or perhaps not-- most of what has been piling up in the mail bag has been reasonably thought-out, so there won't be a great need for that sort of response today.
Dear Drunk Jays Fans,You guys say some fucking harsh shit about people. Do you ever hear back from any of them?
Good question. Actually, the vast majority of the feedback we receive is from single women trying to encourage us to sign up for the Jays' next speed dating night "as journalists". We know what that's really about, and ladies, you need not be so coy.
The other 15% of the feedback we get is almost always positive. Excluding, of course, anything related to Parkes' "Punching Kitty" guide (which is reviled by at least 51% of the population). Quite honestly, the positive feedback shocks the hell out of us. We've actually even received kind words on behalf of someone who's been the subject of a post or two-- I don't want to say who, but it pretty much completely blew our fucking minds.
But the fact is, I'd be misrepresenting facts about myself if I said we hadn't, in fact, received any requests to correct some factual misrepresentations-- in particular, from a woman who, in point of fact, had the same last name as the player who she (fact!) felt was being misrepresented (fact!). If you dig around a bit, you'll stumble across it.
Stoeten,we've learned who Parkes and Bergkamp's favourite players are, but who is yours?
Fuck. Thanks, I guess. I've been doing my best not to remind myself about it this season, but I'd pretty much have to say that my favourite player is the Beej. I know, I know, it goes against virtually everything I stand for to latch onto the flashy new free agent signing. But dude... the fucking Beej!
Dear Stupid Fucks,How come you're always going on about some fucking sport that nobody gives a shit about, and some fucking swamp of a country that's just going to wind up underwater when the ice caps melt anyway? I thought this dumb shit was supposed to be about baseball.
Hey ignorant pecker. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. I don't come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth. When whatever shithole you're from plays the classiest football on the planet, then come talk to me.
Hey Drunk Jays Fans,What do you have against sitting in the 500 Level? Don't you care that moving into seats you didn't pay for and sneaking in booze is hurting the team? Your not real fans because if everybody did what you guys do, they wouldn't make any money at all.
Listen, fuckwad. I'd accuse you of being Paul Godfrey except for the fact that you've got it backwards. Do you think Rogers really wants viewers and advertisers to see the expensive lower bowl of the stadium half empty and the cheap upped deck packed to the tits?
Crash course, dipshit: A strong brand image is the fucking lifeblood of any company. Fuck, when they're strong enough they can even turn people into fucking fat lumps of shit addicted to some of the most criminally disgusting garbage on the planet. I just laugh when people get all high and mighty about this kind of thing, because there's no fucking way it's an oversight that people can get away with sneaking down so easily. The appearance of the expensive seats being packed is worth as much as the tickets themselves.
And as for the booze, I'm not sure if Rogers is entirely responsible for that, or if it's in the hands of the company who's contracted to run the concessions, but either way I think that's also more complicated than it appears. As much as I want to think that they're just ramming their dicks up our asses, I'm going to actually give whoever runs that shit the benefit of the doubt. Sort of...
True, they could almost certainly generate more revenue from beer sales by actually lowering the price. I pay the LCBO for a couple of pints or a mickey to sneak in, and would certainly end up spending more if I were actually buying at the park (and I'm sure I'm far from alone). However, if that much more beer were being consumed, it would mean more pissing, more puking, more fights, more cops, more security, more janitors, more cleaning supplies, more off-put families and tourists, etc. In other words, I bet they have their little system balanced out a lot more accurately that us raw-assed drunks would like to believe.
Personally, I'll just continue to opt out of that shit, because I don't think they're all that interested in getting me right fucking shitfaced anyway. And I sure as shit don't figure Vernon's paycheque is depending on it.
Dear Drunk Jays Fans,Hi guys, I really like your site a lot. Have any of you ever tried out that Jays "speed dating" thing? I think it would be a really interesting story. Keep up the good work.
This misguided young thing made the mistake of addressing our whole group, rather than picking out any one of us specifically. Within 15 hours of this message being sent Parkes was probably already saying that he didn't really think going for breakfast was such a good idea, and that the best he could do was to agree to maybe call again sometime.
Want to ask the Drunk Jays Fans a question, but don't have the balls to do it in the comments section of one of our posts? Click the Email the Authors link underneath the Boggs Head, and maybe you can be in our next Mail Bag!
In the spirit of the late Hunter S. Thompson (i.e. because I'm lazy and drunk), I have decided that the best way to relay my All-Star Game experiences to you will be to simply transcribe my notes verbatim.
Given the grim realities of our constant deadline pressure there was no other way to get this section into print.
Pg. 1
If Willie Mays has taught us nothing about race and the indomitable human spirit, he has at the very leasst taught us that black people wear brown hearing aids. Holy fuck!
I thought the understated Canadian anthem was fitting, and exactly the way an anthem should be. Even Americans have to acknowledge that their anthem is horse shit, don't they?
It could be worse than being a Jays fan: Prince Fielder is the first Brewer voted a starter since Paul Molitor in 1988.
What? Is "busker" a Canadian term? How do these Fox assholes not know it? Maybe you have to be from a place with a subway (or a culture).
Pg. 2
MySportsnet.ca commercials: could they not have fucking found a girl under 30 to play the cheerleader?
Placido Polanco's head looks like Ken Griffey Jr. when he was on the Simpsons.
Dan Haren and his dead eyes would not be allowed in my mini-van.
Fuck you Fox: "The reason I know Mike Hargrove had enough is ... [tons of random meaningless shit]... because he said he had enough."
It's pretty fucked that I was at the All-Star Game 16 years ago, and so was Griffey. (Bonds?)
I have a tendency to defend Bonds, because everyone was doing it, but Giants fans who actually cheer him can go fuck themselves.
Pg. 3
After seeing the commercials I can safely say that anyone who likes Erin and Mike on CHFI should probably be shot for the good of humanity.
How the fuck is Brian Roberts not Greek? ... Also, tonight I'm pretending he's Aaron Hill-- nice 5th inning walk, A-Dog!
O-Dog made it!!!!! Awesome! I still love him.
Aw. I'd think Ichiro's inside the park home run was a lot funnier if it wasn't Junior's fault.
Asshole who has probably never bought bleacher seats in his life catches Crawford's home run: eat shit you smug asshole and sit the fuck down.
Bruce Power works that board like a stallion.
Pg. 4
Mike Lowell should probably go back to Florida and fucking shoot up.
"Actober.com" sounds incredibly fucking gay, but I'd still do Joe Carter (no... I mean I'd fuck him).
Russell Martin: Swearing = Givin'er
O-Dog!!!!!!!!
Stupidest thing I've ever seen: LaRussa and Froemming going over the lineup card. Compelling fucking TV, Fox.
Fat chicks in dresses? Fuck you America. Get over yourselves.
This fucking cunt wants lunch. I'll say it again: Fuck you America. This is a really fucking clever song.
There have to be some sort of regulations about how ugly a person you can put on TV.
Pg. 5
Hey, so Rios isn't going to get into this fucking thing, is he?
Sweet! Looks like the Jays are going to have home field advantage in the World Series this year!
I probably hate Jonathan Papelbon (pictured) as much as any player in baseball.
Fuck this. No Rios. . . How do you not put the most impressive hitter in the home run derby into the goddamn game???
Is it just me or does Brian McCann look like the commune leader in Easy Rider? ... Oh, that's right... I don't give a fuck.
Da Meat Hoooooooooooooook!!!
Pg. 6
I can't believe Parkes is actually live blogging the fucking All-Star Game.
AARON HILL WOULD HAVE MADE THAT PLAY YOU GREASY FUCK!
Heeeey! Rios is in for no reason. Fuck off. Fuck you All-Star Game.
I'm fairly confident that Ichiro has this wrapped up, so I'm going to bed. Fuck you All-Star game, fuck you!
Bottom of the 9th:
Thank god that this experiment is almost over. J.J. Putz comes in and gets Matt Holliday and Brian McCann out before Dmitri Young gets a basehit to give the NL some hope yet.
Oh fuck! Alfonso Soriano just made me stay up a bit longer with two-run home run to bring the NL's deficit to one.
J.J. Hardy comes to bat against J.J. Putz in the battle of the names you're not supposed to use anymore once you turn eight.
Hardy walks and J.J. Putz is done for the night. Francisco Rodriguez comes in to face Derek Lee.
They battle each other to a full-count. Bottom of the ninth, two out, full count. Lee gets a gift on a check swing called a ball, bringing Orlando Hudson up to the plate.
Orlando takes a walk to load the bases. Once again, that's the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth with two out as Aaron Rowand comes up to the plate . . . and hits a fly ball to Alex Rios for the final out.
Thank fuck.
Top of the 9th:
Wow. Apparently, the O-Dawg still exists and makes a nice play.
The Torah Hunter almost hit himself in the face before grounding out to end the top half of the inning.
The score is still 5-2 for the AL, and the commentators are going through all the players who haven't appeared yet and it sounds like a lot.
Middle of the 9th:
I'm now listening to the game on the radio because I can't take these two fuck wits, Tim McCarver and Joe Buck.
Tonight sorta reminds me of the time I found a copy of National Lampoon's European Vacation while I was staying at a friend's house and rooting through their personal things.
Anyway, I put on Chevy Chase’s audio commentary and without wasting too much more of your time, I’ll just say Chevy Chase really has lost it and is no longer even remotely funny. If he owned a Funny Machine and there was only ONE button on it that read FUNNY and all he had to do was push the FUNNY button he would still get it all wrong.
His audio comments went like this, “I still have that t-shirt. I have a lot of the shirts I wore in movies,” “Whatever happened to that guy? What was his name again?” “Oh. It was cold that day.”
And I'm sorry to say that I'm totally Chevy Chasing it tonight, but McCarver and Buck deserve some shame too.
Bottom of the 8th:
I'm too excited over this being almost over to pay much more attention. Pappleboner came in and got some guys out, one of which was a strike out of Aaron Rowand.
Top of the 8th:
Victor Martinez hits a two-run shot over the left field wall off Billy Wagner. It's now 5-2 for the AL.
If you ever wanted to make an award for best redneck reliever, you should dip Billy Wagner in plaster.
Bottom of the 7th: Johan Santana makes his appearance and looks really impressed to be there. I'm sure yesterday Cole Hamels came up to him and said, "You my man, dawg" and that just totally tainted his entire All-Star experience. Some guys come up and they get out.
Still 3-2 for the American League.
Middle of the 7th:
I'd never really realized it before, but America The Beautiful is really a beautiful song. Paula Cole put tears in my eyes each time her lips pursed to sing the "ooo" part of beautiful. And her outfit was stunning. Fabulous! You go girl!
Oh, and thanks for shaving your underarms.
Top of the 7th:
Tony La Russa basically changes up his entire team like he'd been at a stop sign, drunkenly asleep at the wheel until this point.
It's three up and three down and boring . . . and now Stoeten and Adam are calling me a queer in the comments. What a night!
Beer ten by myself.
Bottom of the 6th:
Justin Verlander comes into the game and gives up a meatball that Beltran turns into a triple.
Hey look it's Derek Jeter getting interviewed. . . aw shucks. This is the most boring piece of shit I've ever laid eyes on.
Ken Grizzley Jr. (pictured), who gets older with every at bat uses his cane to knock a sacrifice fly that scores Beltran.
We get a great shot of David Wright's package from that little camera that FOX puts in the dirt, which is almost as innovative as a glowing puck. I'm going to take a break from blogging to upload it to Celebrity Movie Archive for some homosexual masturbation fodder for those so inclined.
Wright breaks his wood and gets to first base bringing up Russel Martin. Yadda yadda yadda. I think McCarver and Buck are actually making me miss Joe Morgan.
Haha. Russel Martin makes a swear when he hits one foul that hits a cop in the head.
The best broadcasted cursing I've ever heard was in an NFL game where the referees had fucked up. I can't remember where the game was being held, but a couple of fans sitting close to the commentating crew started screaming "What . . . The fuck . . . Is wrong . . . With you?" sort of like Wayne when he says "Ice . . . Cold . . . Beer" at Rogers Centre
Anyway, Martin gets out and the crowd boos him mercilessly.
AL 3 - NL 2
E-Mail:
Darius from Oakville writes, "Has Rios come into the game yet?"
What the fuck Darius? I seriously hope you realize there are other options available than live blogging to follow a game. Watch the game on TV or if you're at work, you can listen to it on FAN 590. In other words, Rios has not been put in yet. I'll let you know when he does.
Top of the 6th:
Francisco Cordero starts the inning and gets Gay-Rod and King Vlad both to fly out.
Then, it happens, Carl Crawford hits a solo shot. It amazes me that I can ever pick up a chick when there are guys like Carl Crawford out there. I think this is why dudes try to keep baseball to themselves. What girl in her right mind would waste time with you knowing that men like Carl Crawford exist.
AL 3 - NL 1
Bottom of the 5th:
How has no one ever thought to introduce Manny Being Manny to Ichiro before? A conversation between these two should be broadcast on C-SPAN and recorded and then dug up by future generations who will claim that they are the greatest philosophers of their time.
This inning is pathetically boring compared to the last inning. I'm zoning out after my eighth beer and I don't understand what the deal is with this dude and the dog.
The Tim McCarver comment of the night so far: "Sometimes you catch the ball, and sometimes the ball catches you."
Comment:
Chairman Mao suggests that Stoeten's recent defence of Cybill Shepherd's acting career is clearly due to his secret obsession with Moonlighting when Stoeten used to make his hands hairy to a young Bruce Willis.
Top of the 5th:
I'm regretting that I ever began this.
Chris Young takes Hamels' place on the mound and quickly walks Brian Roberts to start the inning.
Young gets Jorge Posada out before Ichiro . . . what the fuck! This guy is just insane and ridiculously fun to watch.
The li'l Asian that could says "me so sorry" to Ken Griffey Jr. and runs around the bases faster than a Japanese sneak attack.
The AL is now up 2-1 over the NL, and we have a new candidate for the MVP
Bottom of the 4th:
The managers are doing weird shit that makes the lineups all fucked up and everyone goes on and on about Barry Bonds enough to make me not care any more about anything remotely to do with him. Not steroids. Not the home run record. It's all been ruined.
Anyway, Josh Beckett, who is clearly a big fucking douchebag takes care of the NL in three up and three down fashion.
AL 0 - NL 1
Comment:
Stoeten wonders why I'm not over at his house watching the game. Well, I'm hoping that a lucky lady will come across the live blog and then let me Joe Buck her later.
Top of the 4th:
Seriously, if Joe Buck refers to one more pitch as being "nasty" I'm going to start referring to a sexual maneuver after him that involves a baseball and a bat, and it's not pleasant for any of the participants.
I'd honestly rather hear him do another useless interview with one of the managers. "Um, so what's it like to manage such a collection of . . . all-stars?"
Cole Hamels takes the mound for the NL and gives up a single to A-Rod, who steals second. Every time this asshole has any measure of success, I'm immediately depressed. I get the same feeling I used to in high school when some douche bag would be dating a girl I had eyes for. Of course it didn't help that I used phrases like, "I have eyes for you."
Anyway, Vlad grounds out, then Ordonez grounds out, bringing up Ivan Rodriguez.
Pudge punishes the ball into center field and Gay-Rod tries to score but is gunned down by Ken Griffey Jr. who had to throw it underhand to get it all the way to home plate.
Nice job, Gay-Rod.
I've drained about four beers and this is the first time I've felt the buzz because this is the first time I stopped typing. This was a stupid, stupid idea.
Bottom of the 3rd:
As expected, Brian Roberts has come in for Polanco (who will hopefully get someone to look at the shape of his skull, that dude has got a weird looking head - pictured), and Josh Beckett replaces Haren.
The always dangerous Reyes doubles on the third base side bringing up Mr. San Francisco, Barry Bonds. Bonds drives one deep and gives all the useless people at the ballpark reason to go "oooh" as he flies out deeply to left.
The NL can't bring Reyes home as Carlos Beltran grounds out and Griffey strikes out.
Top of the 3rd:
Ben Sheets starts the 3rd and quickly invokes an injured Placido Polanco into a groundout. This should be all-she-wrote for Polanco who Leyland earlier promised to retire early.
Manny Ramirez comes up to pinch hit for Haren and flies out to Griffey.
Ichiro then reminds of us of why he's worth every penny of the soon-to-be-announced contract extension he's negotiated with the Mariners, by slapping a two-out fastball to left.
Derek Jeter advances Ichiro through a single of his own, but it's all for naught after David Ortiz lines out for the third out.
Bottom of the 2nd:
Danny Haren starts the bottom of the 2nd on the mound, but Josh Beckett is warming up in the bullpen.
Prince Fielder, who looks as though he must put on weight between innings, puts down a donut for long enough to draw a walk.
Russell Martin, whom I won't mention as being Canadian, lines out straight into Gay Rod's glove.
This brings up Chase Utley (a hero of my fantasy team) who flies out to deep right centre.
Miguel Cabrera, hitting for Crisco strikes out to end the inning, but not before there are a couple of fat jokes at his and Prince Fielder's expense.
Cabrera looks like an Hispanic Robert DeNiro at the end of Raging Bull.
An E-Mail
"Why would you do this?" writes Daryl from British Columbia.
Obviously, Daryl, you're unaware of what live blogging a mean-nothing baseball game does to the ladies. (It makes them wet.)
Top of the 2nd:
The Greaseball hisself, Brad Penny starts the second and before you can say Crisco, Vladimir Guerrero, Magglio Ordonez and Ivan Rodriguez are all out.
Jose Reyes hits a single up the middle from a Danny Haren offering and runs up the line, appearing as though he's actually running hard, but Reyes is just so fast that his walk is faster than a Frank Thomas sprint.
Barry Bonds steps up to the plate to a nice ovation and immediately Reyes steals second like it was a bicycle.
Bonds then flies out to shallow right, so shallow in fact that even Reyes can't advance on it.
Carlos Beltran strikes out swinging.
Ken Griffey Jr., the black man everyone can agree with, drives in the game's first run with a single up the middle that scores Reyes.
David Wright grounds into a fielder's choice to end the inning.
NL 1 - AL 0 Top of the 1st:
First Pitch: Fastball outside from Peavy.
Ichiro singles to right field.
Derek Jeter is given a break after a missed check swing. But he follows this up by hitting into a double play.
My MVP prediction comes up to the plate. And he swings and misses on a 98 mph fastball by about as much as I miss a meaningful relationship.
Ortiz drags one to second that's scooped up by Utley and fired low to Fielder at first, who misses it. He's immediately consoled by David Ortiz for his unsightly error. It's just a matter of time 'til La Russa removes this fat fuck from the game.
David Wright makes a nice grab on a hard hit grounder from Gay Rod. He throws it over to Utley for the force.
PreGame Prediction:
Okay, time for a quick prediction on MVP: David Ortiz. I don't know. Obviously, you can't use logic in making a bullshit prediction as part of a bullshit game, but Ortiz has had a season that reminds me of his breakout year in 2004, a solid first half followed by absolute unstoppability. In the 2004 All-Star game he hit a mammoth shot into the press boxes. Seeing as though all American League players are vastly superior to their National League counterparts, Ortiz has as good a shot as anyone.
After a stirring rendition of the American national anthem by the Soggy Bottom Boys, we're ready to play some baseball. America, FUCK YEAH!
Oh wait, no . . . we've got some more bullshit to go through.
Yeah, yeah, Willy Mays was great, but having Jeter and the cheater parade him around is just fucking strange.
Who thinks up this shit? Is it a marketing guy on the Giants or MLB? And how the fuck does anyone with authority approve a pink caddy making a victory lap? Oh my god.
When did Dmitri Young turn into Worf with dreads? I'm not complaining because the Young brothers have done me alright in my fantasy league this year, but honestly is he a real person?
It seems the Giants fans and DJF share a similar opinion of Brad Penny, or maybe it's just that they obviously don't know Brad (which a reader named Donna Penny accused us of after reading the linked article).
Oh man, the introduction music is completely out of this world. I don't know how many times you can use the music from The Natural or Field Of Dreams, but this bullshit is making me think that it's at least one more time. Any ideas on what that actually is?
If I had staff working with me right now, I'd be getting them to do a statistical comparison between Brian Roberts and Aaron Hill. Then, I'd bitch about his exclusion from tonight's game. Hill has played fantastically all season, it's just too bad he cooled off in the two weeks leading up to selection.
Alright, the pre-game has begun and it's vital to note that it's a cool and cloudy late afternoon in San Francisco.
Both teams have 9 first-time players, but seven of the AL's All-Star rookies are pitchers. Oh my god, people are actually treating this seriously.
Obviously, the baseball All-Star game is by far the best of any of the pro sports, but please, let's not kid ourselves into thinking this is at all important. The fact that home field advantage in the World Series is decided by this game is more of a joke than Cybill Shepherd's last direct to video disasterpiece.
I just learned that the actual game isn't scheduled to start until 8:25 p.m. which means there's an entire half hour of scheduled pageantry to get through (meaning at least 45 mins of actual boring, boring nonsense). I'm pretty sure this experience will be entirely full of shit, but I'm going to be drinking throughout the lineup calling and MLB self-wanking, so it won't all be bad.
ALL-STAR LINEUPS
AMERICAN LEAGUE Ichiro Suzuki, cf Derek Jeter, ss David Ortiz, 1b Alex Rodriguez, 3b Vladimir Guerrero, rf Magglio Ordonez, lf Ivan Rodriguez, c Placido Polanco, 2b Dan Haren, p
NATIONAL LEAGUE Jose Reyes, ss Barry Bonds, lf Carlos Beltran, cf Ken Griffey Jr., rf David Wright, 3b Prince Fielder, 1b Russell Martin, c Chase Utley, 2b Jake Peavy, p
Occasionally, a game transcends life.
Every once in a while, two competitors, or two groups of competitors, square off against each other with the outcome holding the same level of importance as life itself. I'm not just talking about the air that you breathe. I'm talking about consciousness on a mass level.
The 2007 MLB All-Star game is just such a matchup.
That's why I'll be here for the duration of the game to give you constant, inning by inning, pitch by pitch updates until I run out of jokes and decide to go to bed. Feel free to share your comments with me via the comments section or else through email (dustinparkes@hotmail.com).
Apparently the question posed by the title of this post was on a lot of minds yesterday. And that was even before Rios turned in a potentially star-making performance at last nights All-Star Home Run Derby.
It seems as though the inclusion of a player with 45 career home runs over three-and-a-half seasons rasied more than a few eyebrows. Some of our favourite blogs didn't quite go as far as deriding his selection (well, some of them did), but still-- when Alex proved himself with a boner-inducing second round (that I didn't actually watch, because the Home Run Derby is unbearably fucking lame)-- managed to unwittingly subject their comments sections to the ire of the sorts of mouth-breathing date-rapist Jays fans that we always seem to be ranting about around here.
Quite obviously I'm not going to lie to you and try to claim these Canadian fans of the game are so astute that for years they've fully understood Rios' potential-- even though anyone who's watched Rios in batting practice would have known that the emerging Jays slugger was going to handle himself just fine. The majority of them have just been conditioned by the Toronto Maple Leafs to react like five year olds to the even most modest degree of their team's success. Yet it's not at all surprising that a player from this side of the 49th is completely off the radar of the mostly-American baseball public. Consider, for example, that the only way Andre Dawson can get into Cooperstown is to buy a ticket. But as for an answer to the question posed by the title of this post, I think it's safe to say that even die hard Jays fans still don't really have a full grasp what we've got-- nor do his coaches, his teammates, or his General Manager.
Allan Ryan, one of the few knowledgeble, sober, and undouchelike writers over at the Toronto Star, did a fine job of trying to pull it all together in this morning's paper. Any Jays fan who Rios hasn't quite endeared himself to needs to read it, though ultimately he still comes off like a bit of an enigma-- an awesome, angry enigma. Undoubtedly that's because his defence, his speed and his ability to hit have made him a useful everyday player for the Jays over the previous three seasons, so we've seen him at his most anemic, whereas many developing players would have spent at least some of that time still hidden away in the minor leagues. It's only now that we're finally starting to see Alex materialize into a genuine, consistent, game-changing, five-tool player.
Casual fans, detatched from the hype that has surrounded Rios up here since he arrived as a skinny 6'5", 23-year-old kid in 2004, can probably be forgiven for not paying attention to stats that show Rios having similar numbers, through this point in his career, as luminaries like Ken Landreaux or Ray Lankford. But the potential for Alex has been there all along, and the Jays have wisely chosen to be patient, and to fend off the numerous suitors who tried to pry Rios away with desperately-needed pitching. Their reward has been watching his production grow, from one homer in his rookie season, to 10, to 17, and now to 17 at the All-Star break. At 26 years of age, they say the sky is the limit for Rios-- but as Ryan's article suggests, getting there should make for an interesting ride.
The Litsch is Back!
Awesome Paraphrased Wilnerism of the Weekend: Wliner: "Turn down your radio." Caller: "Turn down the radio?" Wilner: "Yeah. Like the screener told you to."
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