The Litsch is Back! Even Jamie Campbell's unbearably lame pun about a Fenway late-inning tradition ("Sweet Caroline? Sweet game") couldn't break the tension in yesterday's fantastically pitched affair. Jesse Litsch was exactly the sort of unknown young pitcher that the Jays have been frustrated by so many times this year. It's kind of nice to be on the other side of that coin. Not to be a dick or anything, but I'd advise you to enjoy it while it lasts. Litsch is a very nice young pitcher and all, but his stuff isn't anything special. If he wants to be more than just a serviceable Major League pitcher, he's going to have to make some rapid adjustments once the league starts catching up to him-- because trust me, they will. Are you listening Gustavo? Josh?
Retribution? I'm not going to lie to you; I didn't watch much of this series. On Saturday we went to Albert's Parlour-- the OTB above the Brunny. We were already shitfaced, and quite certain that an establishment like that would show the ballgame, as well as all the fucking horse racing you could handle. But no, apparently devoting one measly TV to programming that you can't bet the money you've earmarked for child support payments on was too much. We were stuck with just the ponies, and quite frankly, I don't even give a fuck. That shit was awesome, and I nailed taking Ameripan Gigolo at 7-1 to win, place and show in the fourth at Mohawk. You fucking stallion!
Anyway, what that means-- beside the fact that I basically offset my drinking costs for the day (boner!)-- is that I don't have too much to say about the series at Fenway, and am a little more focused on the upcoming one in the Bronx. In particular, I can't fucking wait for the first inning, when Joshy Towers becomes the first Jays pitcher to face Stray-Rod since the Wolfman decided not to throw one at his precious little ribs in the inning that followed the infamous "ha" play back in whatever month that was. The Globe has an excellent little piece about it today, where the Jays certainly don't go out of their way to rule out the possibility.
I hope to hell that Towers plunks that fucker, and that nobody rushes to his aid when he charges the mound. I'm skeptical that the Jays are the kind of ballclub who would do such a thing, but I think that secretly, the Jays are exactly the kind of ballclub who would do such a thing. If Burnett was the one out there, there wouldn't be a doubt. But I won't put it past Towers to do something either. He's got such a fragile ego that he might think it might actually endear him to somebody. It sure as fuck would work for me.
League Returns, Does Nothing Brandon League was a somewhat surprising call-up ahead of Sunday's game with the Red Sox. It should be interesting to see where he falls in the bullpen pecking order, but I hope to hell that he's immediately ahead of Frasor. And vaarwel to Jordan "Dutch Clutch" de Jong.
This Weekend's Beverages of Choice: Carling, Wisers and Giner Ale, Jagerbombs, Budweiser, French Rabbit Pinot Noir, French Rabbit Reserve, Iced Tea, Kozel
Awesome Paraphrased Wilnerism of the Weekend: Wliner: "Turn down your radio." Caller: "Turn down the radio?" Wilner: "Yeah. Like the screener told you to."
I will fully admit that I didn't catch much Wilner, and that what I did catch this afternoon was an abbreviated version of Jays Talk, because for some reason the Fan is obligated to go to ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball pregame show. So, there wasn't much to work with, OK????
Non-Baseball Thing That May Only Be Funny to Me: Dutch Crunch Immediately when you walk into the Hasty Market at King and Dufferin in Parkdale, you're face to face a little product called "Dutch Crunch". Naturally, this has become the new name for my,... uh... Sunday morning ritual.
Admit it: the Boston Red Sox aren't good. They aren't as good as their record, their players aren't as good as the seasons they're having, and there are only two guys in their lineup that I'd rather have than what we've got (guess which?). Yeah, I'm incredibly biased, but seriously, fuck that team. I just don't get it. And it is too incredibly frustrating to be so far behind these shitty fucks, and then to lose games like the one last night, that the Jays absolutely should have had. I still think a win at this point is ostensibly just a piss in the ocean, but that one still shouldn't have got away.
I'm not even talking about how it was another un-Halladay performance. Really, it came down to Vernon's bad turn on a ball at the warning track that did it. Granted, it wasn't an easy catch to make, but for a guy with as much talent as Vernon, who constantly makes the spectacular look routine, it shouldn't have been a problem. But it's not even shocking in a game full of bad bounces, bad calls, and just generally bad luck. The Jays (er... Stairs and Rios) had done well to claw back, and had clearly shifted the momentum in their favour, but stupid little shit was just killing them. Fuck I hate the Red Sox.
Saw it in His Eyes Me and Gibbers, we think alike. Unfortunately, I think last night's shitty first base ump does too.
Early in the game, with the Jays well behind, the cameras caught Gibbons in a thoughtful glare at the home plate umpire after several shitty calls. I called it right then that Gibbons had the look of a man determined to light a fire under his team, and would inevitably get himself tossed. Sure enough, he eventually went for it, but the fucking first base umpire seemed to sense that too, and threw him out as subtly as humanly possible.
As Parkes has already mentioned, though, Gibbons nailed the ejection, even when the asshole ump wouldn't bite on a confrontation. Making a pitching change after getting tossed? What a human being!!!
Hey Toronto Star! What the Fuck? Do you remember yesterday, Toronto Star? When you said in your paper that Aaron Hill was about to be placed on the 15-Day DL with a knee injury that had kept him out of the last game before the All-Star break?-- which, I should add, I can't even link to because it no longer appears on your website.
Well, a funny thing happened at the ballpark last night. Hill played. And then a funnier thing happened in your paper this morning: you buried the correction and deferred blame to a "highly placed team source". I guess you figured it was clear-enough that the report you published was rumour and speculation. That's a little fucking weak. You printed it, so fucking own up to it. Like the pea-brained member of the "Fire Gibbons" brigade on Jays Talk last night who said "accountability" fourteen times said: Accountability.
Awesome Paraphrased Wilnerism of the Night: "OK, ahh... thanks for the call, but. . . that made no sense."
Reason Wilner is Better than the American Public #12: "You can't just pick one word and stay 'on message'. If you want to prove a point, that's fine, but you've got to give me reasons."
Flipping Channels: Gears of Wars (XBox 360), Joe (Drive In), 1986 World Series: Game 6 (ESPN Classic Canada) As much as Gears of War looks a little fucking awesome (at least,... as awesome as every other gore-filled first-person-shooter), having to sit there while your roommate plays it at full volume between innings is a little fucking annoying. Adam is goddamn lucky he's a good guy.
Then, after we got back from a post-game sorrow-drowning trip to the bar expecting just to pass out, we discovered two incredible things on the TV simultaneously.
Joe is the now-classic exploration of the late 60s generation gap shot through the prism of Peter Boyle’s crazed proto-Archie Bunker “Average Joe”. It doesn’t come at you with a billion jump cuts like it might if it were made today, but fundamentally, it's got it all: killing hippies, an awesome ignorant racist gun-freak, blackmail, lots of drugs, lots of sex, and more killing hippies. How can you go wrong?
Apparently Boyle (sadly, now best remembered as “Raymond’s dad”) quickly grew to detest the role—mostly because he played it so fucking awesomely well. Joe is the film’s villain—a crude representative of the dark side of Nixon’s “Silent Majority”—but the response the actor received about the role was overwhelmingly sympathetic to the character's rampant, All-American ignorance and racism. Typical horse shit from the kind of brain damaged fucks who probably cheered when Captain America got it at the end of Easy Rider. The reaction disturbed Boyle greatly and pushed him deeper into left-wing causes (John Lennon was the best man at his wedding, for fuck sakes!—seriously… Raymond’s dad).
Anyway, good movie, great performance.
A lot of people scoff at the idea of watching old sporting events that you know the outcome of, but if I wasn’t before, I’m now totally convinced that those people are idiots. Is the Godfather any less enjoyable when you know what happens to Sonny? Is it pointless to watch Total Recall because you know that the little midget broad with the machine gun gets to live because Quaid follows Kuato’s advice and manages to start the reactor that gives Mars it’s own breathable atmosphere? Fuck no.
Well, you may not believe it, but ballgames are exactly the same way, and Game Six is practically Citizen fucking Kane. We all know what happens, but fuck if it isn’t as compelling to watch today as it would have been back then. Well, kind of. You watch it in a different way when you know what’s going to happen, but it’s still fucking awesome. (PS: Eat shit, Red Sox)
Usually after a weekend of binge drinking, I feel all depressed and I start thinking of the more than three million people who bought Linkin Park’s last album (I’d rather listen to fat, hungry women eating Sloppy Joes while they shit) and I wonder if there’s any hope for humanity.
Then I surf the internet and find links like these and they make me feel as though life is worth living, so I put the revolver away for one more day.
Hey, have you ever been on a date and “listened” to some broad go on and on about her family’s medical history, while you secretly wonder how far John “The Prime Minister of Defence” McDonald’s homerun against the Yankees was hit and what part of the stadium it landed in?
No, you’re obsessed.
Anyway, you should check out Hit Tracker Online, which has a measurement and landing location for every single homerun hit this year in every ballpark across the league. It’s insanely awesome that this site is free.
I thought I was cool for having four fantasy baseball teams this year, but try as I might; I’ve never been invited to play in Tout Wars. Remember Ken from Jeopardy? From a representative of Baseball Prospectus to the guy who writes the Baseball Forecaster every year, Tout Wars is where all the Kens of fantasy baseball compete against each other.
Our friends at Home Run Derby take a look at Nick “Samson” Swisher’s stats pre-haircut vs. post-haircut. Check out the picture where he’s getting the haircut from his dad. When was Swisher a creepy magician who frightens children by saying “magique” while arching his eyebrows? Oh, wait, that’s just d’Artagnan being d’Artagnan.
It’s pretty rad to memorize these and then when you’re playing wiffleball and you’re in need of yet another tallboy, you can shout to the person closest to the cooler: “Yo bartender, Jobu needs a refill.”
For those not following my live-blog of the All-Star game (let’s never speak of that again), Alex Rios caught the final out.
So, what did the All-Star do with the only ball he touched in San Francisco (aside from the left testicle of Placido Polanco dressed up like a biker dude)?
Bob Elliot, covering the game for the Toronto Sun, came up to Rios in the locker room afterwards and asked the Jays’ right fielder if he was going to keep the ball or give it to K-Rod who got the save. Rios immediately shit his pants and shook his head.
He had tossed it into the crowd immediately after recording the out.
Oh man, though, did he hear it from the rest of the Jays. Upon seeing Hill head over to the batting cages, the humourous wit Troy Glaus asked, “How can you hit in the cage when you’re on the DL?”
BURN!
Hill went to see a specialist over the All-Star break who originally said that he might need to take some time off, but his treatment worked wonders and Hill was good to go.
Roy Halladay pitched like it was batting practice for the first two innings and then just when it looked like the Jays were going to get back into it, Brian Tallet gave up two runs.
The Good
Matt Stairs and Alex Rios hit back-to-back solo homeruns to put the Jays within a run of the Red Sox.
The Bad
Almost every single other aspect of this game was pretty much terrible. Even V-Dub misjudged a fly ball.
The Ugly
John Gibbons got himself ejected from the game in the eighth inning for arguing a call that replays showed was mishandled by first base umpire John Hirschbeck.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I love seeing Gibbers getting all fired up, but at that point it was too little too late for him to motivate the team. Gibbons had a great opportunity earlier in the game when Gregg Zaun was called out on a strike nowhere near the zone to come out and get himself tossed.
Overall, we were hosed on calls all night. Is it my imagination, or is umpire Laz Diaz particularly terrible at home plate?
One humourous note: After getting ejected and on his way back to the dugout, it appeared as though Gibbons asked the second base umpire if he could still make a pitching change. When crew chief Hirschbeck, whom Gibbers had been arguing with, came over to signal a pitching change, Gibbons continued on his way without saying anything to Casey Janssen who was on the mound at the time.
It's Thursday, which is often a tedious off-day for the Jays and those of us for whom they make life worth living. Of course, it isn't an off-day today, but that won't stop me from introducing a new Thursday regular (provided I remember to do it next week), Gibbers' and Griffins'.
This Weeks Griffin: What, JP? Nothing of Aaron Hill? I'm going to level with you, I pretty much hit my snooze button 16 times before I can actually get myself up in the morning. At some point during this process, I throw the radio on to listen to Landry and Stellick, but I'm still half asleep through their regular interviews with John Gibbons and JP Ricciardi. It's only when Sam Mitchell (i.e. "Smitch") is on with those clowns that I actually find the resolve to stay awake and pay attention.
In other words, take this accusation for what it's worth, but I could have sworn I heard Riccardi tout that his team would finally be back to full strength here for the second half.
Now, why the fuck would he say that? There were suspicions when he sat out the last game before the All-Star break that something was wrong with Aaron Hill's knee, and we all know now that he's been placed on the 15-Day DL.
Sadly, this latest piece of bad news probably isn't going to have a dramatic impact on the team, considering the way that Hill has been hitting since... well, since I soberly asserted that he had a somewhat realistic shot at a 20 HR, 100 RBI season (seriously, I did). Don't get me wrong, I think Hill is great, and it's another blow to the team to lose him ahead of the eight most important games of the year (at least, for those of us still foolishly holding out hope for this season to be pulled from the shitter). What I'm more interested in, though, is why Ricciardi wouldn't be up front about the situation?
The audio of this morning's conversation will undoubtedly wind up on the Fan's Hot Audio page-- if it hasn't shown up there already-- so my ability to remember shit will half-asleep may simply be proven shitty. And, to be perfectly honest, I don't really have any sinister theories about why it happened, it's just... weird.
For that, JP, I'm giving you a big fat, drunk, pompous Griffin.
This Weeks Gibbers: Rejoice The Passage of Time! When I was in highschool I listened to a whole lot of Pink Floyd. Even now, as my tastes have grown... well, I wouldn't say "more adult", but maybe "away from bloated self-indulgent proggy horse cock", I can still listen to pretty much anything they did up to about Wish You Were Here. And the Syd Barrett-era shit, naturally, is unbelievable. But does this mean that I want to watch an excruciatingly long ad for a Roger Waters concert on the JumboTron at every single fucking home game? Fuck no.
Mercifully, the concert will be taking place over the weekend, and they can finally put those fucking ads to rest. Thank fuck!
For that, you get the most badass fucking Gibbers you ever saw, Concept of Time! Might I suggest framing it and keeping it next to your power tools, above the beer fridge in your garage.
I’m not sure if Griffin is just taking credit for someone else’s thoughts in his latest mailbag installment, or they’re actually his own.
Either way, he does raise an interesting point about J.P. Ricciardi’s sudden distaste for A.J. Burnett possibly stemming from the whispers that the Jays’ most prized asset, Mr. Roy Halladay is currently toughing out an injury.
We all know Halladay is as tough as a pickup truck and as talented at pitching as a swampsquatch is at being imaginary. So, in light of his recent run of shitiness (a 7.59 ERA since May 1), it really wouldn’t be that surprising to learn that The Doctor is nursing something sore.
Seriously, if you, your friends and Roy Halladay were all under attack from zombies and Halladay got bitten, instead of slicing his head off right away, you’d wait ‘til he helped you get to somewhere safe and then, at the last possible second before he was fully zombified, through tears in your eyes, you’d do him in. And the thing about The Doctor is that he wouldn’t mind. He’d totally be willing to sacrifice himself like that.
This is a stark contrast to Mr. D.L. Burnett (as Mike “Wordmaster” Toth calls him) and that’s obviously frustrating to Ricciardi. I’m not sure if it’s due to an earlier injury experience or what, but A.J. seems to be a little bit of a scaredy cat when it comes to testing his arm if anything feels a little bit off.
What gets my goat about Burnett is that this season he’s been trying to take on a team leadership role with his shaving cream pies and mentoring the younger players. Even earlier in the year when Halladay went down, Burnett rose to the occasion and pitched like an ace.
However, if Ricciardi’s accusations are true and Burnett is unwilling to pitch through a slight strain, his actions are the exact opposite of what a clubhouse leader is supposed to do.
To end this in Griffinesque fashion: As much as it seems Burnett wants to be a leader on this team, I still think he needs to pass The Doctor’s med school.
As mentioned by Bergkamp below, Aaron Hill has been placed on the DL with an apparent sore knee.
I'm not even going to get into my hatred of Russ "Bird-Dog" Adams. That's a post on its own.
If you remember way back to the Blue Jays’ last game before the All-Star break, you may recall that the A-Dawg took a breather. When asked about it at the time, manager John Gibbons told the media that he didn’t think it was anything serious, he was just resting his knee . . . and then whamo, the 15-day DL.
You know that shitty WW II movie that’s only in my mind, where a bunch of Allied soldiers are in a POW camp and all the Nazi German soldiers are real fucking pieces of work. Except there’s this one guy in there, the dude who runs the camp, and he actually respects the soldiers and tries to stop the higher ups from fucking with them.
He even meets with the main character and they share stories when no one is looking because even though they’re enemies, they have mutual respect for each other. But then, one day, the main character sees him throw Radio Rahim out of his pizza shop and he’s crushed because he thought the Nazi was on his side, so he responds by throwing a garbage can through his window and starting a riot.
Despite the threat of getting gunned down by Nerf bullets, I have a right mind to throw a garbage can through manager John Gibbon’s office window today. I can understand lies coming from the Ministry of Misinformation that is J.P. Ricciardi and his front office, but Gibbers?
No way! No fucking way! So we start the second half of the season tonight, and while we welcome the return of Lyle "Overbay-Overwall" Overbay (fuck you, naysayers), we will be without Aaron "Why the fuck wasn't I at the all-star game?" Hill. The A-Dog is on the 15-day disabled list due to some swelling in his knee which we won't even speculate on why that might be. OK, that link was unnecessary. Hill has been nothing but absolute class. But he's so classy that I suspect he can take a joke, too.
But speaking of class, the exact opposite of the word will be in town to replace him ... Russ mutherfuckin' Adams, y'all. Batting .265, with eight homers and 42 RBIs in 82 games with Triple-A Syracuse, Adams (seen pictured in a routine play to first base with a throw that's nowhere near first base) is taking his first trip out of Syracuse in ... how fucking long has it been? The man who Wilner once claimed would be the leadoff hitter for the Jays for the next five years (I know you guys love Wilner, but considering all of his nitpicking, you gotta give him shit when it's due), will be returning to the majors. No fucking way.
Not like I can really say anything about giving guys another chance. My favourite player belongs in fucking Double A. And you know, this could be kinda exciting. After months of all-star deserving plays by Aaron -- which, as much as we try not to take for granted, are so amazingly stellar that we do take them for granted no matter how hard we cheer -- I'm looking forward to totally shitting my shorts every time a ground ball goes anywhere near the new A-Dog. Play ball!
P.S. Hill, I'm sorry about that joke. Get well soon. Very fucking soon.
The All-Star Break is nearly over, yet we've still got hours and hours to kill before the second half of the season finally gets underway. So I figured, what better time to dip into the ol' Mail Bag and see if I can't produce some answers that aren't unbearably dull?
As you might expect, the foul shit that we write generates quite a lot of feedback, and I guess it's only fair that we respond. I'll be a gentleman and let all of our letter-writers here remain anonymous, mostly so as not to discourage morons from writing in and getting vilified. Fortunately-- or perhaps not-- most of what has been piling up in the mail bag has been reasonably thought-out, so there won't be a great need for that sort of response today.
Dear Drunk Jays Fans,You guys say some fucking harsh shit about people. Do you ever hear back from any of them?
Good question. Actually, the vast majority of the feedback we receive is from single women trying to encourage us to sign up for the Jays' next speed dating night "as journalists". We know what that's really about, and ladies, you need not be so coy.
The other 15% of the feedback we get is almost always positive. Excluding, of course, anything related to Parkes' "Punching Kitty" guide (which is reviled by at least 51% of the population). Quite honestly, the positive feedback shocks the hell out of us. We've actually even received kind words on behalf of someone who's been the subject of a post or two-- I don't want to say who, but it pretty much completely blew our fucking minds.
But the fact is, I'd be misrepresenting facts about myself if I said we hadn't, in fact, received any requests to correct some factual misrepresentations-- in particular, from a woman who, in point of fact, had the same last name as the player who she (fact!) felt was being misrepresented (fact!). If you dig around a bit, you'll stumble across it.
Stoeten,we've learned who Parkes and Bergkamp's favourite players are, but who is yours?
Fuck. Thanks, I guess. I've been doing my best not to remind myself about it this season, but I'd pretty much have to say that my favourite player is the Beej. I know, I know, it goes against virtually everything I stand for to latch onto the flashy new free agent signing. But dude... the fucking Beej!
Dear Stupid Fucks,How come you're always going on about some fucking sport that nobody gives a shit about, and some fucking swamp of a country that's just going to wind up underwater when the ice caps melt anyway? I thought this dumb shit was supposed to be about baseball.
Hey ignorant pecker. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. I don't come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth. When whatever shithole you're from plays the classiest football on the planet, then come talk to me.
Hey Drunk Jays Fans,What do you have against sitting in the 500 Level? Don't you care that moving into seats you didn't pay for and sneaking in booze is hurting the team? Your not real fans because if everybody did what you guys do, they wouldn't make any money at all.
Listen, fuckwad. I'd accuse you of being Paul Godfrey except for the fact that you've got it backwards. Do you think Rogers really wants viewers and advertisers to see the expensive lower bowl of the stadium half empty and the cheap upped deck packed to the tits?
Crash course, dipshit: A strong brand image is the fucking lifeblood of any company. Fuck, when they're strong enough they can even turn people into fucking fat lumps of shit addicted to some of the most criminally disgusting garbage on the planet. I just laugh when people get all high and mighty about this kind of thing, because there's no fucking way it's an oversight that people can get away with sneaking down so easily. The appearance of the expensive seats being packed is worth as much as the tickets themselves.
And as for the booze, I'm not sure if Rogers is entirely responsible for that, or if it's in the hands of the company who's contracted to run the concessions, but either way I think that's also more complicated than it appears. As much as I want to think that they're just ramming their dicks up our asses, I'm going to actually give whoever runs that shit the benefit of the doubt. Sort of...
True, they could almost certainly generate more revenue from beer sales by actually lowering the price. I pay the LCBO for a couple of pints or a mickey to sneak in, and would certainly end up spending more if I were actually buying at the park (and I'm sure I'm far from alone). However, if that much more beer were being consumed, it would mean more pissing, more puking, more fights, more cops, more security, more janitors, more cleaning supplies, more off-put families and tourists, etc. In other words, I bet they have their little system balanced out a lot more accurately that us raw-assed drunks would like to believe.
Personally, I'll just continue to opt out of that shit, because I don't think they're all that interested in getting me right fucking shitfaced anyway. And I sure as shit don't figure Vernon's paycheque is depending on it.
Dear Drunk Jays Fans,Hi guys, I really like your site a lot. Have any of you ever tried out that Jays "speed dating" thing? I think it would be a really interesting story. Keep up the good work.
This misguided young thing made the mistake of addressing our whole group, rather than picking out any one of us specifically. Within 15 hours of this message being sent Parkes was probably already saying that he didn't really think going for breakfast was such a good idea, and that the best he could do was to agree to maybe call again sometime.
Want to ask the Drunk Jays Fans a question, but don't have the balls to do it in the comments section of one of our posts? Click the Email the Authors link underneath the Boggs Head, and maybe you can be in our next Mail Bag!
In the spirit of the late Hunter S. Thompson (i.e. because I'm lazy and drunk), I have decided that the best way to relay my All-Star Game experiences to you will be to simply transcribe my notes verbatim.
Given the grim realities of our constant deadline pressure there was no other way to get this section into print.
Pg. 1
If Willie Mays has taught us nothing about race and the indomitable human spirit, he has at the very leasst taught us that black people wear brown hearing aids. Holy fuck!
I thought the understated Canadian anthem was fitting, and exactly the way an anthem should be. Even Americans have to acknowledge that their anthem is horse shit, don't they?
It could be worse than being a Jays fan: Prince Fielder is the first Brewer voted a starter since Paul Molitor in 1988.
What? Is "busker" a Canadian term? How do these Fox assholes not know it? Maybe you have to be from a place with a subway (or a culture).
Pg. 2
MySportsnet.ca commercials: could they not have fucking found a girl under 30 to play the cheerleader?
Placido Polanco's head looks like Ken Griffey Jr. when he was on the Simpsons.
Dan Haren and his dead eyes would not be allowed in my mini-van.
Fuck you Fox: "The reason I know Mike Hargrove had enough is ... [tons of random meaningless shit]... because he said he had enough."
It's pretty fucked that I was at the All-Star Game 16 years ago, and so was Griffey. (Bonds?)
I have a tendency to defend Bonds, because everyone was doing it, but Giants fans who actually cheer him can go fuck themselves.
Pg. 3
After seeing the commercials I can safely say that anyone who likes Erin and Mike on CHFI should probably be shot for the good of humanity.
How the fuck is Brian Roberts not Greek? ... Also, tonight I'm pretending he's Aaron Hill-- nice 5th inning walk, A-Dog!
O-Dog made it!!!!! Awesome! I still love him.
Aw. I'd think Ichiro's inside the park home run was a lot funnier if it wasn't Junior's fault.
Asshole who has probably never bought bleacher seats in his life catches Crawford's home run: eat shit you smug asshole and sit the fuck down.
Bruce Power works that board like a stallion.
Pg. 4
Mike Lowell should probably go back to Florida and fucking shoot up.
"Actober.com" sounds incredibly fucking gay, but I'd still do Joe Carter (no... I mean I'd fuck him).
Russell Martin: Swearing = Givin'er
O-Dog!!!!!!!!
Stupidest thing I've ever seen: LaRussa and Froemming going over the lineup card. Compelling fucking TV, Fox.
Fat chicks in dresses? Fuck you America. Get over yourselves.
This fucking cunt wants lunch. I'll say it again: Fuck you America. This is a really fucking clever song.
There have to be some sort of regulations about how ugly a person you can put on TV.
Pg. 5
Hey, so Rios isn't going to get into this fucking thing, is he?
Sweet! Looks like the Jays are going to have home field advantage in the World Series this year!
I probably hate Jonathan Papelbon (pictured) as much as any player in baseball.
Fuck this. No Rios. . . How do you not put the most impressive hitter in the home run derby into the goddamn game???
Is it just me or does Brian McCann look like the commune leader in Easy Rider? ... Oh, that's right... I don't give a fuck.
Da Meat Hoooooooooooooook!!!
Pg. 6
I can't believe Parkes is actually live blogging the fucking All-Star Game.
AARON HILL WOULD HAVE MADE THAT PLAY YOU GREASY FUCK!
Heeeey! Rios is in for no reason. Fuck off. Fuck you All-Star Game.
I'm fairly confident that Ichiro has this wrapped up, so I'm going to bed. Fuck you All-Star game, fuck you!
Bottom of the 9th:
Thank god that this experiment is almost over. J.J. Putz comes in and gets Matt Holliday and Brian McCann out before Dmitri Young gets a basehit to give the NL some hope yet.
Oh fuck! Alfonso Soriano just made me stay up a bit longer with two-run home run to bring the NL's deficit to one.
J.J. Hardy comes to bat against J.J. Putz in the battle of the names you're not supposed to use anymore once you turn eight.
Hardy walks and J.J. Putz is done for the night. Francisco Rodriguez comes in to face Derek Lee.
They battle each other to a full-count. Bottom of the ninth, two out, full count. Lee gets a gift on a check swing called a ball, bringing Orlando Hudson up to the plate.
Orlando takes a walk to load the bases. Once again, that's the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth with two out as Aaron Rowand comes up to the plate . . . and hits a fly ball to Alex Rios for the final out.
Thank fuck.
Top of the 9th:
Wow. Apparently, the O-Dawg still exists and makes a nice play.
The Torah Hunter almost hit himself in the face before grounding out to end the top half of the inning.
The score is still 5-2 for the AL, and the commentators are going through all the players who haven't appeared yet and it sounds like a lot.
Middle of the 9th:
I'm now listening to the game on the radio because I can't take these two fuck wits, Tim McCarver and Joe Buck.
Tonight sorta reminds me of the time I found a copy of National Lampoon's European Vacation while I was staying at a friend's house and rooting through their personal things.
Anyway, I put on Chevy Chase’s audio commentary and without wasting too much more of your time, I’ll just say Chevy Chase really has lost it and is no longer even remotely funny. If he owned a Funny Machine and there was only ONE button on it that read FUNNY and all he had to do was push the FUNNY button he would still get it all wrong.
His audio comments went like this, “I still have that t-shirt. I have a lot of the shirts I wore in movies,” “Whatever happened to that guy? What was his name again?” “Oh. It was cold that day.”
And I'm sorry to say that I'm totally Chevy Chasing it tonight, but McCarver and Buck deserve some shame too.
Bottom of the 8th:
I'm too excited over this being almost over to pay much more attention. Pappleboner came in and got some guys out, one of which was a strike out of Aaron Rowand.
Top of the 8th:
Victor Martinez hits a two-run shot over the left field wall off Billy Wagner. It's now 5-2 for the AL.
If you ever wanted to make an award for best redneck reliever, you should dip Billy Wagner in plaster.
Bottom of the 7th: Johan Santana makes his appearance and looks really impressed to be there. I'm sure yesterday Cole Hamels came up to him and said, "You my man, dawg" and that just totally tainted his entire All-Star experience. Some guys come up and they get out.
Still 3-2 for the American League.
Middle of the 7th:
I'd never really realized it before, but America The Beautiful is really a beautiful song. Paula Cole put tears in my eyes each time her lips pursed to sing the "ooo" part of beautiful. And her outfit was stunning. Fabulous! You go girl!
Oh, and thanks for shaving your underarms.
Top of the 7th:
Tony La Russa basically changes up his entire team like he'd been at a stop sign, drunkenly asleep at the wheel until this point.
It's three up and three down and boring . . . and now Stoeten and Adam are calling me a queer in the comments. What a night!
Beer ten by myself.
Bottom of the 6th:
Justin Verlander comes into the game and gives up a meatball that Beltran turns into a triple.
Hey look it's Derek Jeter getting interviewed. . . aw shucks. This is the most boring piece of shit I've ever laid eyes on.
Ken Grizzley Jr. (pictured), who gets older with every at bat uses his cane to knock a sacrifice fly that scores Beltran.
We get a great shot of David Wright's package from that little camera that FOX puts in the dirt, which is almost as innovative as a glowing puck. I'm going to take a break from blogging to upload it to Celebrity Movie Archive for some homosexual masturbation fodder for those so inclined.
Wright breaks his wood and gets to first base bringing up Russel Martin. Yadda yadda yadda. I think McCarver and Buck are actually making me miss Joe Morgan.
Haha. Russel Martin makes a swear when he hits one foul that hits a cop in the head.
The best broadcasted cursing I've ever heard was in an NFL game where the referees had fucked up. I can't remember where the game was being held, but a couple of fans sitting close to the commentating crew started screaming "What . . . The fuck . . . Is wrong . . . With you?" sort of like Wayne when he says "Ice . . . Cold . . . Beer" at Rogers Centre
Anyway, Martin gets out and the crowd boos him mercilessly.
AL 3 - NL 2
E-Mail:
Darius from Oakville writes, "Has Rios come into the game yet?"
What the fuck Darius? I seriously hope you realize there are other options available than live blogging to follow a game. Watch the game on TV or if you're at work, you can listen to it on FAN 590. In other words, Rios has not been put in yet. I'll let you know when he does.
Top of the 6th:
Francisco Cordero starts the inning and gets Gay-Rod and King Vlad both to fly out.
Then, it happens, Carl Crawford hits a solo shot. It amazes me that I can ever pick up a chick when there are guys like Carl Crawford out there. I think this is why dudes try to keep baseball to themselves. What girl in her right mind would waste time with you knowing that men like Carl Crawford exist.
AL 3 - NL 1
Bottom of the 5th:
How has no one ever thought to introduce Manny Being Manny to Ichiro before? A conversation between these two should be broadcast on C-SPAN and recorded and then dug up by future generations who will claim that they are the greatest philosophers of their time.
This inning is pathetically boring compared to the last inning. I'm zoning out after my eighth beer and I don't understand what the deal is with this dude and the dog.
The Tim McCarver comment of the night so far: "Sometimes you catch the ball, and sometimes the ball catches you."
Comment:
Chairman Mao suggests that Stoeten's recent defence of Cybill Shepherd's acting career is clearly due to his secret obsession with Moonlighting when Stoeten used to make his hands hairy to a young Bruce Willis.
Top of the 5th:
I'm regretting that I ever began this.
Chris Young takes Hamels' place on the mound and quickly walks Brian Roberts to start the inning.
Young gets Jorge Posada out before Ichiro . . . what the fuck! This guy is just insane and ridiculously fun to watch.
The li'l Asian that could says "me so sorry" to Ken Griffey Jr. and runs around the bases faster than a Japanese sneak attack.
The AL is now up 2-1 over the NL, and we have a new candidate for the MVP
Bottom of the 4th:
The managers are doing weird shit that makes the lineups all fucked up and everyone goes on and on about Barry Bonds enough to make me not care any more about anything remotely to do with him. Not steroids. Not the home run record. It's all been ruined.
Anyway, Josh Beckett, who is clearly a big fucking douchebag takes care of the NL in three up and three down fashion.
AL 0 - NL 1
Comment:
Stoeten wonders why I'm not over at his house watching the game. Well, I'm hoping that a lucky lady will come across the live blog and then let me Joe Buck her later.
Top of the 4th:
Seriously, if Joe Buck refers to one more pitch as being "nasty" I'm going to start referring to a sexual maneuver after him that involves a baseball and a bat, and it's not pleasant for any of the participants.
I'd honestly rather hear him do another useless interview with one of the managers. "Um, so what's it like to manage such a collection of . . . all-stars?"
Cole Hamels takes the mound for the NL and gives up a single to A-Rod, who steals second. Every time this asshole has any measure of success, I'm immediately depressed. I get the same feeling I used to in high school when some douche bag would be dating a girl I had eyes for. Of course it didn't help that I used phrases like, "I have eyes for you."
Anyway, Vlad grounds out, then Ordonez grounds out, bringing up Ivan Rodriguez.
Pudge punishes the ball into center field and Gay-Rod tries to score but is gunned down by Ken Griffey Jr. who had to throw it underhand to get it all the way to home plate.
Nice job, Gay-Rod.
I've drained about four beers and this is the first time I've felt the buzz because this is the first time I stopped typing. This was a stupid, stupid idea.
Bottom of the 3rd:
As expected, Brian Roberts has come in for Polanco (who will hopefully get someone to look at the shape of his skull, that dude has got a weird looking head - pictured), and Josh Beckett replaces Haren.
The always dangerous Reyes doubles on the third base side bringing up Mr. San Francisco, Barry Bonds. Bonds drives one deep and gives all the useless people at the ballpark reason to go "oooh" as he flies out deeply to left.
The NL can't bring Reyes home as Carlos Beltran grounds out and Griffey strikes out.
Top of the 3rd:
Ben Sheets starts the 3rd and quickly invokes an injured Placido Polanco into a groundout. This should be all-she-wrote for Polanco who Leyland earlier promised to retire early.
Manny Ramirez comes up to pinch hit for Haren and flies out to Griffey.
Ichiro then reminds of us of why he's worth every penny of the soon-to-be-announced contract extension he's negotiated with the Mariners, by slapping a two-out fastball to left.
Derek Jeter advances Ichiro through a single of his own, but it's all for naught after David Ortiz lines out for the third out.
Bottom of the 2nd:
Danny Haren starts the bottom of the 2nd on the mound, but Josh Beckett is warming up in the bullpen.
Prince Fielder, who looks as though he must put on weight between innings, puts down a donut for long enough to draw a walk.
Russell Martin, whom I won't mention as being Canadian, lines out straight into Gay Rod's glove.
This brings up Chase Utley (a hero of my fantasy team) who flies out to deep right centre.
Miguel Cabrera, hitting for Crisco strikes out to end the inning, but not before there are a couple of fat jokes at his and Prince Fielder's expense.
Cabrera looks like an Hispanic Robert DeNiro at the end of Raging Bull.
An E-Mail
"Why would you do this?" writes Daryl from British Columbia.
Obviously, Daryl, you're unaware of what live blogging a mean-nothing baseball game does to the ladies. (It makes them wet.)
Top of the 2nd:
The Greaseball hisself, Brad Penny starts the second and before you can say Crisco, Vladimir Guerrero, Magglio Ordonez and Ivan Rodriguez are all out.
Jose Reyes hits a single up the middle from a Danny Haren offering and runs up the line, appearing as though he's actually running hard, but Reyes is just so fast that his walk is faster than a Frank Thomas sprint.
Barry Bonds steps up to the plate to a nice ovation and immediately Reyes steals second like it was a bicycle.
Bonds then flies out to shallow right, so shallow in fact that even Reyes can't advance on it.
Carlos Beltran strikes out swinging.
Ken Griffey Jr., the black man everyone can agree with, drives in the game's first run with a single up the middle that scores Reyes.
David Wright grounds into a fielder's choice to end the inning.
NL 1 - AL 0 Top of the 1st:
First Pitch: Fastball outside from Peavy.
Ichiro singles to right field.
Derek Jeter is given a break after a missed check swing. But he follows this up by hitting into a double play.
My MVP prediction comes up to the plate. And he swings and misses on a 98 mph fastball by about as much as I miss a meaningful relationship.
Ortiz drags one to second that's scooped up by Utley and fired low to Fielder at first, who misses it. He's immediately consoled by David Ortiz for his unsightly error. It's just a matter of time 'til La Russa removes this fat fuck from the game.
David Wright makes a nice grab on a hard hit grounder from Gay Rod. He throws it over to Utley for the force.
PreGame Prediction:
Okay, time for a quick prediction on MVP: David Ortiz. I don't know. Obviously, you can't use logic in making a bullshit prediction as part of a bullshit game, but Ortiz has had a season that reminds me of his breakout year in 2004, a solid first half followed by absolute unstoppability. In the 2004 All-Star game he hit a mammoth shot into the press boxes. Seeing as though all American League players are vastly superior to their National League counterparts, Ortiz has as good a shot as anyone.
After a stirring rendition of the American national anthem by the Soggy Bottom Boys, we're ready to play some baseball. America, FUCK YEAH!
Oh wait, no . . . we've got some more bullshit to go through.
Yeah, yeah, Willy Mays was great, but having Jeter and the cheater parade him around is just fucking strange.
Who thinks up this shit? Is it a marketing guy on the Giants or MLB? And how the fuck does anyone with authority approve a pink caddy making a victory lap? Oh my god.
When did Dmitri Young turn into Worf with dreads? I'm not complaining because the Young brothers have done me alright in my fantasy league this year, but honestly is he a real person?
It seems the Giants fans and DJF share a similar opinion of Brad Penny, or maybe it's just that they obviously don't know Brad (which a reader named Donna Penny accused us of after reading the linked article).
Oh man, the introduction music is completely out of this world. I don't know how many times you can use the music from The Natural or Field Of Dreams, but this bullshit is making me think that it's at least one more time. Any ideas on what that actually is?
If I had staff working with me right now, I'd be getting them to do a statistical comparison between Brian Roberts and Aaron Hill. Then, I'd bitch about his exclusion from tonight's game. Hill has played fantastically all season, it's just too bad he cooled off in the two weeks leading up to selection.
Alright, the pre-game has begun and it's vital to note that it's a cool and cloudy late afternoon in San Francisco.
Both teams have 9 first-time players, but seven of the AL's All-Star rookies are pitchers. Oh my god, people are actually treating this seriously.
Obviously, the baseball All-Star game is by far the best of any of the pro sports, but please, let's not kid ourselves into thinking this is at all important. The fact that home field advantage in the World Series is decided by this game is more of a joke than Cybill Shepherd's last direct to video disasterpiece.
I just learned that the actual game isn't scheduled to start until 8:25 p.m. which means there's an entire half hour of scheduled pageantry to get through (meaning at least 45 mins of actual boring, boring nonsense). I'm pretty sure this experience will be entirely full of shit, but I'm going to be drinking throughout the lineup calling and MLB self-wanking, so it won't all be bad.
ALL-STAR LINEUPS
AMERICAN LEAGUE Ichiro Suzuki, cf Derek Jeter, ss David Ortiz, 1b Alex Rodriguez, 3b Vladimir Guerrero, rf Magglio Ordonez, lf Ivan Rodriguez, c Placido Polanco, 2b Dan Haren, p
NATIONAL LEAGUE Jose Reyes, ss Barry Bonds, lf Carlos Beltran, cf Ken Griffey Jr., rf David Wright, 3b Prince Fielder, 1b Russell Martin, c Chase Utley, 2b Jake Peavy, p
Occasionally, a game transcends life.
Every once in a while, two competitors, or two groups of competitors, square off against each other with the outcome holding the same level of importance as life itself. I'm not just talking about the air that you breathe. I'm talking about consciousness on a mass level.
The 2007 MLB All-Star game is just such a matchup.
That's why I'll be here for the duration of the game to give you constant, inning by inning, pitch by pitch updates until I run out of jokes and decide to go to bed. Feel free to share your comments with me via the comments section or else through email (dustinparkes@hotmail.com).
Apparently the question posed by the title of this post was on a lot of minds yesterday. And that was even before Rios turned in a potentially star-making performance at last nights All-Star Home Run Derby.
It seems as though the inclusion of a player with 45 career home runs over three-and-a-half seasons rasied more than a few eyebrows. Some of our favourite blogs didn't quite go as far as deriding his selection (well, some of them did), but still-- when Alex proved himself with a boner-inducing second round (that I didn't actually watch, because the Home Run Derby is unbearably fucking lame)-- managed to unwittingly subject their comments sections to the ire of the sorts of mouth-breathing date-rapist Jays fans that we always seem to be ranting about around here.
Quite obviously I'm not going to lie to you and try to claim these Canadian fans of the game are so astute that for years they've fully understood Rios' potential-- even though anyone who's watched Rios in batting practice would have known that the emerging Jays slugger was going to handle himself just fine. The majority of them have just been conditioned by the Toronto Maple Leafs to react like five year olds to the even most modest degree of their team's success. Yet it's not at all surprising that a player from this side of the 49th is completely off the radar of the mostly-American baseball public. Consider, for example, that the only way Andre Dawson can get into Cooperstown is to buy a ticket. But as for an answer to the question posed by the title of this post, I think it's safe to say that even die hard Jays fans still don't really have a full grasp what we've got-- nor do his coaches, his teammates, or his General Manager.
Allan Ryan, one of the few knowledgeble, sober, and undouchelike writers over at the Toronto Star, did a fine job of trying to pull it all together in this morning's paper. Any Jays fan who Rios hasn't quite endeared himself to needs to read it, though ultimately he still comes off like a bit of an enigma-- an awesome, angry enigma. Undoubtedly that's because his defence, his speed and his ability to hit have made him a useful everyday player for the Jays over the previous three seasons, so we've seen him at his most anemic, whereas many developing players would have spent at least some of that time still hidden away in the minor leagues. It's only now that we're finally starting to see Alex materialize into a genuine, consistent, game-changing, five-tool player.
Casual fans, detatched from the hype that has surrounded Rios up here since he arrived as a skinny 6'5", 23-year-old kid in 2004, can probably be forgiven for not paying attention to stats that show Rios having similar numbers, through this point in his career, as luminaries like Ken Landreaux or Ray Lankford. But the potential for Alex has been there all along, and the Jays have wisely chosen to be patient, and to fend off the numerous suitors who tried to pry Rios away with desperately-needed pitching. Their reward has been watching his production grow, from one homer in his rookie season, to 10, to 17, and now to 17 at the All-Star break. At 26 years of age, they say the sky is the limit for Rios-- but as Ryan's article suggests, getting there should make for an interesting ride.
Alex Rios' All-Star appearance got off to a great start tonight as the Jays' ladies man cranked 17 home runs in the opening rounds of the home run derby to lead all hitters and gain entry into the finals.
Unfortunately for Rios, he faced-off against none other than Vladimir Guerrero for the championship.
Guerrero, who earlier in the evening hit an enormous 503-foot blast, won by one home run over Rios.
Rios performance in the championship round trailed off when he was informed that the event meant absolutely nothing to anyone and wouldn't increase his fuckability a single iota.
This is pretty much what you can expect to look like when you finish enough whiskey to make an Irishman flammable before the third inning. When you get home that night it's sort of like Mean Streets when Harvey Keitel falls asleep before his head hits the pillow. Only Harvey Keitel never had to worry about ol' Johnny Boy snapping a picture of him looking ridiculous and posting it on his blog.
Speaking of Mean Streets, you know what the Queen said? She said, "If I had balls I'd be King."
Speaking of Kings, this is King Shit of Photogenic Mountain. If the world wasn't such a fucked up place, this guy would be on every single advertisement. Just looking at him gives me a warm feeling inside.
Anyway, this guy is also proof-positive that you should talk to strangers at the game. If we hadn't talked to this guy, we never would've been invited to a party after the game where we ate and drank more than four John Goodmans.
I'm not one to tell people their business, but . . . NEVER EVER buy beer off this Harry Potter-looking fuck. I don't know if he keeps a little gas stove in that cooler of his, or he's just too lazy to carry ice up and down the stairs, but the beers you get from him are closer in temperature to soup than they are to refreshment.
I'm always faster to make fun of assholes than retards because of my morals, but when it comes to asshole-retards not even punishment from the Koran (a ballsy threat that's never executed, unless you're a woman) would stand in my way of making fun.
Anyway, this family of inbreds journeyed down from Caribou Nut Sack, Northern Ontario to watch them some baseball. Aw, how cute. Look at them trying to understand the big, complex and strange game that isn't played on ice.
In about the third inning, Stoeten, hungover from the night before, totally missed his pocket with a handful of change. The coins sprinkled the row in front of us like copper rain. Like any normal six or seven year old (he could be fourteen for all of his inbred genes would tell us), the kid laughed and pointed to the pennies from heaven.
Anyway, his succubus mom went absolutely muckraker crazy and started yelling at the poor kid to pick up the gentleman's change. Defeated, like a slave on that ship from Ben Hur, he obeyed and cowered from the succubus' glare.
You just know that his trucker dad and demon mom won't even let the poor little man run the bases at the end of the game. This kid would be amused with a piece of yarn and all they give him is a piece of shit.
If it wouldn't have made me look like a pedophile, I'd have kidnapped this little man and set him free.
Hey, check out this ladybug. Wow. Doesn't that just make you think about how fragile life is? You know, lately, I've been thinking a lot about my own mortality and then I see something like this and I just realize like a light-switch going off that the thing about life is that you just gotta live it.
A for Accardo It's completely understandable that so much has been made of Josh Towers' outstanding performance on Sunday, and of Alex Rios heading to the All-Star Game after slapping a clutch single to end the game, but what about Jeremy Accardo?
Granted, in one respect Accardo's only accomplishment was getting himself out of the mess that he'd created, but he showed remarkable resolve in coming back from a 3-0 count to strike out Perralta. If the stadium was anything like my house, well, for starters, the men's room would have required biohazard suits, but also, there would have been a pall over the whole crowd. Here, as the afternoon went on for inning after scoreless inning, it seemed painfully apparent that the Jays were going to find a way to lose this one. When Accardo could find the plate for the life of him, we were certain that it was over-- after all, he was one ball away from walking in the go-ahead run. That he was able to dig deep and get out of the jam was more than a little bonerrifically awesome. I didn't even give a shit that he looks like he's from Apsley or that his hair is fucking ridiculous-- dude, long hair under baseball caps looks way too mullet.
Of course, the stadium probably wasn't anything like my house, because, as Justin so brilliantly pointed out earlier today, we didn't have any retards chanting for a slice of pizza.
Transaction Action I realize that this is supposed to be my weekend roundup, but I have absolutely nothing to say about the fucking atrocious game that took place on Saturday. There are occasionally games that I have to leave early because of other commitments, but apart from that, and apart from Victor Zambrano starts, I never, ever leave games early. Well, on Saturday, we all had to get the hell out of there. It was just fucking brutal.
As for Friday's game, I sort of don't really remember it all that well. I caught the very end of Janssen somersaulting off the mound, but didn't actually see what the hell happened. So, instead of lying to you, I'll just point out that Victor Zambrano has been released by the club after sporting an ERA over 7 in a number of starts for Syracuse, and Curtis Thigpen (who is white!) has been sent down to make room for Lyle Overbay, and to get a chance to play every day.
Shout Outs I hope that I'm not playing favourites in Parkes's presumably-fake Jays Bloggers of the Month contest from last Friday's Linkin Park, but our friends over at Jays Nest are starting up a weekly blogger roundtable, which will be a (foul and drunken) part of. They also agree that Richard Griffin is a fucking hack, so check them out already!
Awesome Paraphrased Wilnerism of the Weekend: Some tool calls in to ask what the Jays' plans for Towers will be going forward-- fourth starter? fifth starter? third starter? Wilner: "Let me cut you off right there. I knew this was going to happen. . . "
Today's quote is extra-paraphrased, because it was relayed to me by a friend who actually listened to today's Jays Talk, which I didn't. I was a little hung over (see Saturday's Beverages of Choice) and couldn't even make it to the game. Had it been any other pitcher, around the time of the fourth no-hit inning, I'd have been kicking myself for not going. Thankfully it was Towers, so I wasn't phased.
Non-Baseball Thing That May Only be Funny to Me So, last weekend in this space I mentioned a little straight-to-video film called Transmorphers. I finally got a chance to see it, and, well... I intentionally watch a lot of bad movies, and usually when someone on IMDB calls a movie "so bad that it isn't even funny", I figure it's just hyperbole-- especially since I ignored the warning on Raging Sharks and found that it gave me a raging boner (though, how could a movie with Corben Bernsen not?). But Transmorphers? Holy fucking fuck, it was bar none the biggest pile of shit I have ever seen. There was not an aspect of this movie that wasn't embarrassingly bad-- the script, the acting, the sound, the CGI, etc.
It was excruciatingly boring, absolutely unfunny and shitty on every level, and it committed the biggest B-movie sin of all: no nudity.
However, what did end up being hilarious was stumbling across an angry IMDB message board post from the obviously retarded writer/director of this fucking waste of two hours of my life (who should probably just kill himself) in response to people bashing his work:
"As for you wannabe filmmakers who think you can do a better job, I guarantee that all of you high school students and wedding videographers who think you could make a better movie are diluted. There is no way that any of you, with your lack of experience, could make an even watchable film under the constraints that I had, let alone a good movie. ... Sure, your DV film shot in your basement is praised by your classmates and your relatives, but try doing that with a crew, group of actors, producers, deadlines etc. You will fail. Let me know if you want to try. I will personally front the money to watch one of you fall on your faces."
Keep in mind that this fucking moron's film failed miserably on about 17 different levels. He is an undeniably talentless fuckface hack, and that he has the balls to question anyone's filmmaking skills is pretty much the most astounding thing ever. In other words, it's as astounding as this movie was bad. If you see copies of it (or anyone who was involved in making this fucking pile of shit) I suggested burning them. It ranks below Scorpion. Below. Scorpion.
Before I respond to Richard Griffin's latest steaming shit on JP Ricciardi's head, I'd like to make a couple of things clear. First, I understand that it wouldn't make for much of a read if the Star's lead baseball columnist thought the GM was doing a great job and everything was wonderful in Jays-land. So yes, I realize that by responding like this I'm tacitly acknowledging that Griffin has been somewhat successful in what he was trying to accomplish. However, even though I personally think that in the grand scheme of things, considering the constraints placed on him, Ricciardi has done a fine job, I'm positive that one could come up with with way more sensible criticism than this garbage.
"Despite trying to distribute his money like Pacman Jones at a strip club, Blue Jays GM J.P. Ricciardi placed just one all-star on the American League's 32-man roster, that being Alex Rios, one of the players still making under a million dollars."
I've said this a number of times, but I'll say it again because Griffin is obviously the only Jays writer in town who doesn't read us, but I honestly don't understand where this money could realistically have been better spent. Ricciardi was supposedly right down to the wire on Meche and Lilly, and there simply weren't any realistic or sensible alternatives for much of the rest of it. What I think Griffin misses when he makes statements like these is the fact that JPs budget is inexorably linked to ticket sales. In this market, any appearance of regression at this point is going to have a huge impact on interest in the team-- hence all sorts of fishy things that come out of this front office, like hiding the extent of BJ Ryan's injury, or never becoming like a mid-season "seller" and insisting it's because they think the playoffs are still within reach.
If, like any good GM should, JP wants the budgets to stay as high as they have been, he's got to balance the baseball side of things with the accounting side. In fact, that's mostly what he was brought in to do. That the budgets have become so inflated during his tenure just shows that the bookkeepers at Rogers are on board with what he's been doing. It does, however, mean that the team isn't being managed purely from a baseball perspective, though that's far from uncommon. And if it had been, I would argue that there would have been many more hard, lean years for the organization-- the damage from which could possibly have been unrecoverable.
The contributions last year of players like Burnett, Molina, Glaus and Ryan almost certainly made the difference between a mediocre second-place finish (which far too much was made of) and another disaster. Is there the slightest chance that Vernon Wells would be a Blue Jay right now if last season would have been effectively over before it started? Despite his poor first half and his too-large contract, Vernon remains a very good player and a key piece of the marketing puzzle. It reflects well to the fans and to other free agents that the Jays have been able to keep "franchise" players like Halladay and Wells.
So, what you need to remember is that the investments Ricciardi has made are not necessarily only investments in the well-being of the team on the field, but investments in marketing, and in ensuring that the GM has at his disposal the ability to continually improve the team year after year, which I would say he has done-- at least on paper.
"Consider this evaluation of the team's prized off-season investments. Catcher Gregg Zaun? Injured and disappointing. First-baseman Lyle Overbay? Injured and disappointing. DH Frank Thomas? Healthy but a big disappointment, despite Ricciardi's spin about being on pace for 20 homers and 80 RBIs."
Yes, damn Ricciardi for extending the contracts of those fragile-handed fucks! I'm positive that their osteoperosis was at the very top of the scouting reports on them, so why the hell would fucking Ricciardi not have gone after one of the stud catchers on the market, or paid the $7 million to keep Molina? Why didn't he just cut ties with his outstanding defensive first baseman who's a doubles machine. You're right, Griffin. Ricciardi is a hack. And signing a future Hall-of-Famer who was fourth in MVP ballotting last year? Stupidity!
"The disturbing aspect for the Jays as they look ahead to the second half is that, while most organizations at the break are looking at some hot young stud from the farm knocking on the door, having developed in the first half, the Jays are forced to stay the course with the same tired bunch."
This is horse shit. Any "hot young stud from the farm" was pressed into action in the early season due to injury and failure from the pitching staff. Adam Lind could easily have been the player Griffin is talking about. Had things gone differently, MacGowan, Marcum, Litsch, Janssen, Accardo and Thigpen could realistically have been in Syracuse right now. To call out Ricciardi's farm system for having players succeeding in the majors ahead of schedule is stupid even for Griffin.
"What about the Jays' farm? Consider that one of the Jays' most useful bench players, veteran infileder Howie Clark, was forced to call farm director Dick Scott looking for a job at the end of April. Nobody was calling him, including the Jays. How about effective lefty Brian Tallet, who was designated for assignment at the end of camp ... and the only reason he is here is because nobody claimed him."
So then... I guess Riccardi is about as dumb as 29 other general managers.
"Yet the Jays are speaking optimistically of the possibilities of re-asserting themselves into contention with the return of Overbay, Troy Glaus, and eventually Burnett, after the break. The truth is that when healthy at the start of the year, this supposed offensive juggernaut sputtered its way through April and beyond."
Again, the optimistic spin is pure PR. I don't really know what the expectation is here. Should he be saying, "Well, we're probably fucked"? Also, though I don't have the documentation to back it up, the Fan590's Mike Wilner has repeatedly said in defense of Mickey Brantley that the Jays had the best batting average in the league for April. Not that I felt that the team was hitting the way that they should have been at that time, but if Wilner's right, I have to question Griffin's conception of "truth" on this one.
"What does it say about the GM's master plan when he is publicly second-guessing himself regarding his biggest free-agent signing of the past two years because he claimed he had no idea that, possibly in the meantime, some pitchers down on his own farm might, just might, develop into quality major-leaguers. He had no idea within two years Marcum, McGowan, Casey Janssen and Accardo would be doing this well. That doesn't sound like a well-thought-out Plan A."
Well, for starters, the Jays didn't have Accardo two years ago, so we can throw him out of the mix right away. Also, Griffin is taking Ricciardi's comments out of context and ignoring the clarification of the comments that was printed in his very paper. JP claimed that because of the young pitching he has now, if he were in the same situation, he wouldn't have spent the money on Burnett. So, is Griffin implying that Ricciardi should have then passed on Burnett because "possibly" some of his minor leaguers "might, just might, develop into quality major-leaguers"?
Among other benefits, the Burnett signing literally was buying time for the young pitchers to continue to develop in the minors. And again, it also comes back to the issue of perception, marketing, and ticket sales. The buzz from the Burnett and Ryan signings translated into revenue that enabled the Jays to sign Frank Thomas (who, even if he was as bad as he was in the first half, would have been worthwhile because of his high profile and because of his quest for 500 home runs), and to resign Vernon Wells. After the Jays missed the boat on Lilly and Meche, if Wells had gone, that would have appeared to be a massive step backwards. Maybe it would have worked out better for the team if they'd just let him walk, or traded him for prospects, hoping to start fresh, or if they'd passed on Burnett to force young pitchers into action before they were ready. But as far as I'm concerned, there is way too much danger of becoming another Kansas City Royals when you start taking that route.
Yes, the Jays under Ricciardi have yet to achieve the kind of success it's fans have been hoping for, but the team is going to come back next year stronger, deeper and with more money to shore up their weaknesses. If you believe that sounds like a franchise without a reasonable plan in place, I would love to try some of what you've been smoking. It's understandable that a lot of people, at this point in Riccardi's tenure, are getting impatient, but to honestly say that the future for this organization looks bleak is just plain stupid... even for Griffin.
OK, that has to be the worst post title in the history of DJF or maybe the history of blogs. But fuck it. This is all about the atrocity you witness any time you check out our beloved Jays at what is supposed to be their sanctuary. Even more so on weekends. This is about feeling your ears bleed in the 6th inning after being bombarded by repeated advertising for things you have absolutely no interest in. Even more so when the dome is closed. This is about not even complaining about it because it's there and we've become numb to it. Even more so on five pints of beer. This is all about the super shitty promotional shit at the Rogers Centre and the tool who puts it in your face, Ryan Greer.
First of all, Greer, sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up. Most of you will know this douche as the "host" of the Rogers Centre on otherwise perfectly beautiful days to watch a ball game. What Greer does is turn that beautiful day into an onslaught of capitalist bullshit that he will spew through the microphone with his dickhead voice of relentless faux enthuisasm until you are so depressed, you wish you'd never come to the game at all. He is a great example of everything that is wrong with capitalism. The guy is a total asshole and thinks he's a total hotshot celebrity. You know the type. I've seen him getting "ready" for one of his announcements and he is stressed as fuck and treats his crew and whoever is around him like dirt. But once the camera's on, he's all smiles. Dude, you announce promotions. You are not a star, you're a fucking tool.
I missed out on two games this weekend and I would say 99% of the reason for that is due to this piece of shit (the other 1% not wanting to jinx Towers' outing yesterday). Seriously, why do we have so much promotional shit at the Dome? Simmer the fuck down, Ted! How much more money do you need to make? If I'm not watching a rigged Staples truck race, then I'm being told to lose my shit for a fucking Klondike bar. Now considering they probably charge $10 for a Klondike bar at the Dome, I guess I can see some appeal in getting a free one. But have you seen how some people seriously lose it for this stuff? And that's the saddest thing, all these fuckfaces in the crowd go for this shit. They cheer louder for the promotions than the Jays.
And that's a problem with society in general. But it sucks to see this at the ball park cause one of the reasons why I like to watch baseball is because it temporarily makes me feel that life is somewhat worth living for. But you can't even watch a ballgame without being reminded that mankind really does suck shit and that everything is terrible. Let's take a look at some of the culprits who are ruining the game:
1. The Pizza Pizza "Seven strikeouts" promotion: Now this one used to seem harmless and even kind of like a bonus. I mean, shit, the Jays get seven strikeouts, and we get rewarded. Seems like a utopian agenda. But I've come to fucking loath this one. Thing is, you're in the top of the ninth inning, it's a close one and you're losing your mind, and instead of having the fans giving props to the Beej or Accardo or whoever, we've got the whole stadium chanting "Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!" Now really, chanting "pizza" is beyond retarded. You might as well get yourself a styrofoam tomahawk and move to Atlanta. This promotion apparently completely miffed BJ Ryan in one of his earlier save situations last year. And I don't blame him. You're supposed to be excited about the game, not about a bland slice of pepporoni pizza that tastes like shit. Frankly, most of you have probably been loading up on greasy shit food the whole game. The last thing you need is a slice on top of that. And also, this poor promotion means drunk dickheads harrassing the poor people who have to work at this godforsaken hellhole food chain (Parkes, Stoeten). Pizza Pizza, go fuck yourself. Your pizza is never hot or fresh and it fucking sucks.
2. The fucking El Ranchero Chili race or whatever the fuck it is: OK people, this promotion is not funny. I know you think it is. But it's not. You probably all thought "Full House" was or still is funny. And I know AJ kinda gave it some cred, but that's old now, too. Seriously, this promotion sorta reminds me of the highlight of my working life spent at Blockbuster during the time when they used a computer animated guinea pig and rabbit (voiced by James Belushi, who's a tool, and James Woods, who is fucking insane) to sell their shitty product. They would do the most unfunny things. Like spontaneously start dancing to "Maniac" and yelling "Shake what your momma gave you!" Yeah. Think about those fucking Bell ads with the fucking beavers. They were so offensively unfunny, I thought Blockbuster might actually lose customers due to this marketing campaign. But holy fuck me, whenever those commercials aired in the store, customers would stop whatever the fuck they were doing to watch those ads and laugh their balls off. I've never thought the same of people since. So if you really bust a gut seeing people dressed up as chili peppers with shades on, you're a sad fuck.
3. The Fedex "Holy shit! What the fuck is in the box?" promotion: Had I never found out what was in these stupid boxes by this stupid company, I would still hate this fucking promotion. Simmer the fuck down, people! It's not a million dollars. It's not an all expenses paid cruise trip. It's not even a fucking bus ticket to fucking Scarborough. You get a fanny pack. There you go. But go ahead and lose your fucking mind and make a complete moron out of yourself. For a fanny pack. (I previously reported the prize to be a fanny box, which understandably I would lose my shit for, too.) Seriously though, folks, only way to justify this sad display of consumerism is if these boxes contained autographed Josh Towers jerseys.
On another pop culture sidenote, this promotion always reminds me of a scene in one of the greatest movies of all time, "UHF," where a contestant on "Wheel of Fish" chooses the box over the red snapper as her prize. When it's revealed that there is in fact nothing in the box, Kuni, Weird Al's Japanese martial arts instructor neighbour and host of the show, berates the contestant by repeatedly calling her stupid. If only he was running the show at the Rogers Centre.
4. On that note, it's amazing just how fucking cheap these companies are with their promotions. Not only do they have no creativity, they don't even pay up. On a fateful day last year, the Chairman, James and I were suddenly caught in the middle of a Mr. Sub "Holy shit! Get the fucking sub to the end of the fucking aisle quickly!" promotion. To the amazement of my friends and myself, I got really amped and serious about the whole thing. See, I was fucking hungry. And while I would never spend real money on Mr. Sub or any of the godawful food at the Rogers centre (save for the french fries and nacho combo, delicious!), this almost seemed too perfect. I would be satiated by a free sub. Now I've seen winners receive subs before, but after we won (key is to just fucking throw it over, especially if you have a bunch of geezers in your row), we got fucking T-shirts. You can't eat a shirt. Amazingly, James still has mine and wears it all the time.
But we still buy into it. Why is that? While our futile attempts to get away from the stress of capitalism must inevitably fuel the system itself, why does it have to suck so bad? I hardly want to start giving you the impression that I'm a raging communist, but from what I've been told, it's much more pleasant to watch a ball game in fucking Yankee stadium or Fenway cause they don't beat you over the head with ads. And that's just fucked up. We shouldn't have to suffer through this shit. I'm here to watch a ball game, the greatest game on earth, without the voice of Jamie Campbell or Ron Black to fuck it up. Don't go botching the peace and quiet and tranquility of a ball game with promos for stupid products that suck. Jays fans, you can help by not lifting a fucking finger when they tell you to lose your shit and actually cheering for the Jays when they make a good play. Imagine how much you'd piss off Ted that way. Shit, I'd even tolerate you doing the wave just to vent all of your consumer urges if you could actually pull that off. But just once, cause the wave really fucking sucks.
Holy fuck me! No fucking way! So JT throws his best game of the season (his life?) yesterday. And basically all I can say is, I told you so. No seriously, all you naysayers can go fuck yourselves. Sure, JT is going to get fucking massacred when he faces the Yankees in his first likely appearance after the all-star break. But for right now, he's fucking stellar. And considering all the Jeff Blair dickheads will now just keep their mouth shut until he fucks up again, we here at DJF (or maybe just me) will make sure the outing does not go unnoticed.
Now Stoeten earlier posted a brilliant analysis on our man that, as much as it hurt to read, is pretty much bang on. But yesterday was an exercise in negating that theory. As usual, JT was up in the count 0-2 consistently with I think 99% of his first pitches being strikes. But then, instead of serving up meatballs, JT managed to pick at the corners and get some choice outs. Granted, the Indians were taking a lot of first pitches on purpose (something maybe the Jays might have wanted to consider yesterday? Holy fuck, I lost count of all the first pitch pop ups), but it's even more impressive that this tested strategy failed against such a prime candidate for implosion.
Then, the dreaded base runner Josh Barfield, who also broke JT's perfect game going in 5 2/3 innings, looked to be the crack in the dam for our man. Not only was the perfect game over, it was time to return to that dark place that would leave Family Network viewers without sleep for weeks and pissing in their sheets. Yet somehow, Josh has found a happy land in his head where base runners don't completely fuck up your sense of judgment. And so, dude decides to throw his second strikeout at the best time possible. Then follows this up with two more choice Ks to get out of the 7th and 8th. Masterful.
And this wasn't one of his recent Chacin-like outings. The Jays did nothing with the bats to help out our man, save Clayton who always just blows my mind when he gets a hit and Johny Mac who is also the reason JT even had that perfect game going with that fucking stellar catch. Amazing. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy we won the game and Rios and Dougie rule and all, and Wells made some pretty stellar grabs in the outfield as well, and Accardo blew my mind and I guess Byrd pitched pretty amazing, but fuck, a no decision on that motherfucker? Get the bats in order.
Still, it's hard to be bitter when you hear the sound of the crowd actually get louder as JT leaves the field. I was weeping buckets, man. For real. So seriously, JT's only good season in 2005 was pretty much made in the second half of the season. He also starts slow or horribly brutal or whatever you want to call it. But I fully suspect he'll improve on that and pull off 15 wins by the end of the season. And I know I'm wrong, but all you naysayers are dicks so fuck you.
In closing, I noticed that it just so happens to be the birth date of three of the most outstanding individuals on the face of the Earth, who embody the spirit of Drunk Jays Fans unlike any other. From all of us at DJF (or maybe just me), happy fucking birthday. And yes, that picture of Fred Savage is recent.
1. Dougie is Back! Adam Lind has officially been sent to Syracuse to make room for Reed Johnson, who (as reported here on Wednesday) will likely start tonight against Cleveland lefthander Cliff Lee, and will leadoff.
We'll be seeing you again soon, though, Adam!
2. Sally Boy is a Work of Art! Even in his absence, you can't get away from hearing amazing stories about Sal Fasano. This time, it was from the mouth of Shaun Marcum. Since joining the Jays' starting rotation, Marcum has quietly emerged as one of the best young pitchers in all of baseball. Whether he can keep it up remains to be seen, but as he continues to string together quality start after quality start, Jays fans are starting to wonder if the farm system hasn't finally produced something of great value.
Today he was asked about the secret to his recent success on the Fan590's Chuck Swirsky show. I had to transcribe it from the radio, so the quote isn't 100%, but Marcum basically said:
"Last time during the Cleveland series I had a bit of a mechanical problem. I sat down with Sal Fasano and talked about it. We worked it out and things have been going good ever since. I owe a lot to Sal Fasano."
Going good? Fucking eh it's been going good. Marcum has been in the rotation for nine starts and has allowed fewer than three runs in seven of them. Way to go Sally Boy!
It used to be that when you used the terms "fantasy" and "baseball" in the same sentence, you were probably talking about some fan having delusions of grandeur about his team, a kid dreaming about one day playing in the big leagues, or Parkes's mom longing to be smothered by Kelly Gruber's thighs. These days, those words are more likely to stir images of stat geeks pouring over the lineup of their fantasy team, feverishly comparing the OPS of Ramon Vazquez and Tony F. Pena, because those are the only two options to fill their last fucking middle infield slot (I'm still going to win the title though, assfaces).
Anyway, that new type of fantasy isn't what I want to talk about today. Why? Because in this morning's Star, JP mercifully stuck a dagger in the fantasies of legions of Russ-Adams-for-Carlos-Zambrano kind of fans. You know the types I mean-- guys who do things like going on the Pro Sports Daily messageboards to emphatically state that "we" needMark Buehrle, among all kinds of ridiculous horseshit (like how Gibbons needs to be fired immediately, how Burnett should be traded for a bag of balls, how McGowan will never be any more than the Jays' 7th starter, how Frank Thomas has lost it and should be moved, and on and on and on and on).
Mind you, the PSD folks are not the only ones like this-- that just happens to be the place that I go to satisfy my need to throw down a verbal shitstorm at the horribly misguided. And there happens to be more than a few guys on there who actually have their heads on straight (and are way more civil to the general populace than I could ever be). Mostly, though, it's guys listing next year's potential free agents and proposing trade scenarios, then having wet dreams over stuff that's never, ever going to happen.
It truly is a strange psychosis that allows a fan to fully understand all the things that make Troy Glaus tradable (big contract, injury history, lack of mobility), but at the same time expect some team to completely overlook that, lose their shit over him, and give up a cheap rising star like that punk Tulowitzki to get him.
The brains of these people seem to malfunction when they're required to see things from another person's perspective-- and frankly, I think the lack of that ability is the root of at least 85% of what's wrong with the world (the other 15% being, of course, the Designated Hitter). I mean, what in the hell do the Rockies have to gain by trading their Troy for ours you fucking morons?!??!!!
The Glaus rumours will persist for at least a few more weeks until the trade deadline passes, and then most likely into the offseason as well, but like I say, Ricciardi has (at least, unofficially) put an end to the need for these tools to pour over lists of upcoming free agent pitchers. There will be no Zambrano. There will be no Buehrle. There will be no free agent starter at all-- at least according to this:
"The question was asked (on radio) that, if I was in the same situation now, would I do it again? And I said `no' because now we've got (Dustin) McGowan, (Casey) Janssen, (Jesse) Litsch and (Shaun) Marcum all pitching really well for us. We didn't have that two years ago. Two years ago, these guys weren't even on the radar and we needed pitching," Ricciardi said.
"If we had these guys pitching two years ago, we wouldn't have gone after a free-agent pitcher, just like we won't go after a free-agent pitcher this year. I just said that if this was the situation (in 2005), we'd have taken that money (Burnett's) and tried to spend it differently."
Now what I want to know is, where exactly does this leave Chacin?
It's not that I think JP is wrong by not including Chacin in the group he says will make up the future of the rotation-- in fact, I think he's bang on-- it's just that this is the third series of comments like this (Wednesday night's radio call-in, Thursday morning's interview, and now these follow-up comments to the Star) where Gustavo is completely out of the picture.
Personally, and I've said it here many times, I don't think Chacin is much of a pitcher, and that most of his success is a mirage. I've heard the Jack Morris arguments about ignoring ERA, because the only thing that matters is the win, but the thing about that is, Jack Morris could take a bullet and still make it through six innings. And Jack Morris was no soft-tossing lefty whose numbers have gone down as the number of times teams have faced him has gone up. Still, Chacin came into this season being labelled as the Jays third starter, and now it seems like they don't even want him back. Again, I can't argue with this at all, it's just kinda weird, ain't it?
Now this is the kind of potential deal that, if they were at all realistic, the Pro Sports Daily crowd would actually be talking about-- not these stupid blockbusters that are just not going to fucking happen. I know it's not nearly as flashy, but this one is a move that's almost certainly going to be made. Gustavo has started throwing, and I would suspect that he'll get a couple of showcase starts before being shipped off to the National League. Either that or they'll ride out the season with him still in the rotation, purely out of loyalty, and then move him in the winter. For what? I don't know. A mid-level prospect? A Clayton-esque infielder? A shitty reliever?
Wow. Chacin trades sure as fuck make for boring speculation, but at least I don't have to stoop to ridiculous fantasies.
Following up on Stoeten's sunny but numerically-challenged posting, I too think this season can be salvaged from the shitter. Perhaps a little irrational, but afterall, we're still fans, and we still are smarter than you.
First, the cold realism: The Jays need to win 95 games to make a playoff spot. The past three years, Detroit, Boston and New York have won wildcards with 95, 95 and 97 games respectively. For the Jays to reach 95 wins, they'll have to play .699 ball for the rest of the season. In other words, they'd have to sweep the Indians this weekend and win every fucking series - take two out of three - for the rest of the year. I admit, this is about as probable as Chinese Democracy being released in the next decade.
Unlike some of the other contributors on this blog, I no longer pine and chase after women like a salivating dog long after they've spurned me a hundred times. But, I admit, baseball is a temptress of its kind, and I still hold out a little bit of hope for the Jays this season. Am I rationalizing the irrational? Fuck you. I know where my heart and my head lie, and I'm totally cool with it.
My reasons for hope (for at least the next two weeks):
1. The Jays haven't had their we-beat-the-shit-outta-you month.
Remember last year's 3/4 series against the Yanks? The Vernon Wells walk-off? Remember, May 2003? Fuck yeah.
It could happen again. Look at the schedule: Of the remaining 74 games, 42 are against losing teams that even worse than our Jays.
2. The law of averages work in Vernon's and Frank's favour. V-dub and Big Hurtin' are hitting girly lows of .255 and .247 respecitvely. Their career averages are .285 and .303 respectively. Thankfully, the Law of Averages dictates that, eventually, both will revert to their beat-the-shit-outta-the-ball norms. Fuck yeah.
3. Overbay and Johnson... I guess. Not like O-bay was very good before he left but, hey, he's been consistent before. Law of averages, right? Fuck yeah. And Sparky? He couldn't hit any worse than Lind at the moment.
4. Baltimore, Tampa Bay, KC.... Still shitty. And the Jays play them all 22 times.
Rumours are swirling around town that Drunk Jays Fans favourite nickname will be back in use tonight at the Rogers Centre.
Reed “Dougie” Johnson could make his long-awaited return to the lineup tonight.Dougie’s been on the DL since the second week of the season when he needed surgery to repair a herniated disc.
While certainly welcome news to Drunk Jays Fans, Dougie’s activation may not be so well received by Jr. Jays Adam Lind and Curtis Thigpen, one of whom will likely be sent back down to Syracuse to make room for the fan favourite.
Without Troy Glaus’ recent foot injury, which should leave him out of the lineup for the weekend, I imagine Howie Clark would’ve been included in the short list for demotion, but the journeyman should be able to enjoy big league life for at least another series.
In other injury news, Lyle Overbay will join the New Hampshire Fisher Cats tonight for his first game as part of a rehab stint that should bring him back to the big club shortly after the All-Star break.
Always striving to be nothing short of reactionary, I thought I’d weigh in with my two cents.
First of all, Stoeten is full of shit for saying that the Jays wouldn’t trade Burnett in a heartbeat for the right offer. Unfortunately, at this moment, there’s no possible way they would get a return on Burnett that would match all the hype that Ricciardi has spun for the newly named fourth starter. Ricciardi, would rather criticize than be criticized, so instead of taking a market value swap for Burnett, he’s going to criticize his temperament.
Unless his plan is to make life so uncomfortable for Burnett that he takes his exit option next year, Ricciardi has created an atmosphere that isn’t going to bring Burnett back any faster. I won’t be surprised to see a fuck you JP extended stay on the DL from Burnett.
If JP was at all interested in trading Burnett, what better way to escalate his value than to let everyone know he’s slipped down to the team’s fourth or fifth starter?
Remember when you first discovered The Onion and you read every article in its back catalogue on a Friday at work? You had to constantly stifle your laughter and you pissed off all your friends by sending them links to hilarious stories that they read three years ago.
Well, they’ve reorganized their shit since then and the sports section of The Onion is pretty much the funniest thing I’ve ever read.
We recently received some kind words of support from a local photographer with some Blue Jays connections.
You can check out his photography here and his blog here, which features some great photos of Toronto sports fans in Uganda.
I had no idea, but other people actually blog about the Blue Jays as well. And while they’re not as drunk as us, they’re not nearly as funny as us either.
Seriously though, I’m imagining some future fantasy baseball competitions with our colleagues and perhaps some unity in selecting the Blue Jays Bloggers’ Player of the Month.
The Cleveland Africans I've never quite understood why the Cleveland Indians just seem to have the Blue Jays' number. Is it karma from Dave Stieb finally getting over the no-hitter hump at old Municipal Stadium? Are the Jays such pinko racist revisionists that they can't handle the fact that the Tribe honour the native North American peoples who so nobly gave their lives and their land so that the white man could prosper on the continent?
Hmmmm... I don't know, but to me, it just doesn't make sense.
Yes, the Tribe's pitching is OK, but their big hitter couldn't hit a breaking ball to save his life, and more often than not Dorn looks like he doesn't even want to be out there at third (plus, I heard his wife is a bit of a slut). There are a lot of holes on that team, and it's never quite made sense to me why they're always beating up on the Jays. But they probably will do it again this weekend:
Friday: Roy Halladay (9-3, 4.27) vs. Cliff Lee (5-4, 4.90) Saturday: Shaun Marcum (4-2, 2.86) vs. Fausto Carmona (9-4, 3.78-- WHAAAAT???) Sunday: Josh Towers (4-5, 5.71) vs. Paul Byrd (7-3, 4.71)
More from JP on AJ After yesterday's informative evening of taking calls on the Fan590, Ricciardi showed up on the Fan again today. This time he was on the morning show, and he had more to say about AJ Burnett.
I think this actually came out yesterday, and I just forgot to mention it, but Ricciardi basically called Burnett on being a pussy. He said that he doesn't know if the pain in AJ's shoulder (or in his forearm, or his elbow, or wherever it shows up next) isn't something that he's just going to have to learn to pitch through. Today he took his criticism a little bit further, explaining that he's not overly concerned about Burnett's injury, because with the way Marcum, McGowan and Litsch have thrown, they don't really have to rely on Burnett as their number two starter-- he can be considered like "maybe a number three or number four". Ouch.
I still say Chris Carpenter on JP's willingness to trade him, but Ricciardi is clearly not pleased.
UPDATE: Get the full audio here. Scroll Down for the JP with Landry and Stellick link)
"We're concerned in the sense that we need him. When he takes the ball he's good. . . I don't know if it's psychological . . . Maybe it's that he gets to the point where he feels something-- he's just so scarred that he backs off. He's got to get over that hump. . . He's got to decide what's the difference between being hurt and not being hurt? . . . The way they've been pitching . . . if we can't get the McGowans and Marcums pick up the slack and maybe [Burnett] becomes your fourth starter."
A Big Month Not that I'm really holding out much hope for the Jays to pull this season out of the shitter, but to be honest, I'm kind of still holding out hope that the Jays can pull this season out of the shitter. Which isn't to say that I wouldn't be wholly satisfied with this season for the sheer fact that it's seen Marcum, McGowan, Janssen and Accardo blossom into legitimate major leaguers, but I honestly do think this team has got a nice second-half charge in them. Seriously.
If they do, well... first of all they'd better hope that the injury to Glaus isn't too serious. Even though he hasn't been great for a couple of weeks, power hitters can be streaky like that, and he'll come back. They'd also better hope that Litsch continues to pitch well, and Towers keeps on keeping them in games, because as I mentioned yesterday, JP may not be giving us the whole truth about the timeline for Burnett.
Mostly, though, their season could entirely be made or broken in the first eight games after the All-Star break-- four at Fenway, then four at Yankee Stadium. At the absolute worst they'll have to go 3-5, otherwise the season will be pretty much toast. That's much easier said than done. Of course, they could play eight tremendous games and then still get fucked, because they have to keep it up. After New York they come home for series' with the always-difficult Mariners and Twins, then they're on the road against the White Sox and Devil Rays.
Hmmmm... maybe you should forget anything I just said about holding out hope.
I'm from Peterborough, where Sanford Fleming once lived for about 20 minutes. Naturally he's the city's most famous "native son" (excluding, of course, the fuckface from Skid Row), so I guess it goes against my proud, drunken, inbred heritage to say this, but fuck Standard Time.
Well... OK, my family is actually half from the Netherlands and half Polak/Scottish Torontonians, so I'm really only going against my parents' neighbours' drunken, inbred heritage, but still...
Seriously, whose goddamn idea was it to have a mid-week afternoon game at four o'clock in the goddamn afternoon!?! I don't give a shit if it wassome country's birthday. And I sure as shit don't give a fuck if it was actually one o'clock wherever the fuck they played the game. What am I supposed to do, stay longer at work so I don't have to miss an hour of the game on the commute home?
As Little As Possible About the Game Itself Well that was fucking over before it started, wasn't it? Good game by McGowan today. Matty Stairs is one hell of a human being (still). It would be real nice if the bats kept on hitting like this. Alex Rios needs to stop taking fielding cues from Vernon.
Today's Beverage of Choice:Zlatorog, from the fine Slovenians at Laško Brewery, who have finally put into awkward, poorly translated words what I've been trying to say for years about the benefits of beer.
The World According to JP Somewhat sadly, because it's Wednesday the post-game radio call-in show features JP Ricciardi answering calls, rather than just Wilner. This, of course, is not entirely negative-- only mostly.
JP, despite kind of looking like a muppet, is a pretty sophisticated PR man. Well, that or baseball fans are either really stupid or really drunk (guess which one I am?). But fuck if that snake oil selling bastard doesn't come off like he's the genuine article. Seriously. It's only when you look at what he's saying in print that some of it starts looking extremely fucking fishy. When he actually speaks it's like he's looking deeply into my eyes, mouthing "World Series, baby. World Series."
Some tidbits: Reed Johnson may start Friday, and if he does, will more than likely lead off.
I don't know if it was just a slip of the tongue, but JP said that Burnett has had 15 starts so far, and would probably only end up with 20 to 25 for the season. A quick look at the calendar and some basic math shows that his little best case scenario suggests something like a mid-August return for AJ. Funny, I thought Burnett would be out three-to-four weeks, not six-to-eight. Of course, my math might be fucked (I don't have the luxury of being able to confirm it with an Uncle Chan).
JP has been told by an "insider" that Aaron Hill got "very, very strong consideration" for being named to the All-Star team-- specifically by Jim Leyland.
Cajoled by Wilner into a fairly transparent hypothetical, JP admitted that right now he would not gamble on a "Burnett-like" pitcher with electric stuff and an ugly injury history-- because his young pitching is finally lining up. Specifically, Marcum, McGowan, Litsch and Janssen. So Casey's still being thought of as a starter. And Chacin. . . ?
I say horseshit optimistic spin. JP says, "Worst case scenario, we see Litsch as a very good fifth starter."
Just to Prove That I Can Rip Him I will fully admit that I'm almost always behind the manager of this club. I've said many times that I think it's horseshit when people try to blame Gibbers for everything that goes wrong, when he very rarely does anything that any other manager wouldn't do-- or at least wouldn't give long consideration to doing.
To me, fans seem way too quick to want to have someone to point the finger at for losses and for a season that obviously hasn't gone very well. As much as it might look like a reasonable way to go about figuring out what's wrong with the team, it's just not fair. You can't play the "what if" game with Gibbons' decisions alone and decide that he's the reasons for losses-- not without also asking "What if Wells and Thomas were hitting?""What if everybody wasn't hurt?" "What if the bullpen was deeper?" "What if Stairs or Glaus hadn't made that error?" "What if the umpire made a different call?", etc., etc., etc.
Still-- and this is something that, in my defence of Gibbers, I probably haven't done enough of-- you can call him out for stupid moves. So I'll acknowledge: putting in Brian Wolfe to start the eighth inning last night was a stupid call.
Did it make things a whole lot more difficult? Yes. But did it cost the Jays the game? No. At least, not any more than the fact that they couldn't hit for shit, that Glaus made a bad throw and was a clusterfuck on the basepaths in the seventh, or that they've had to use their key bullpen guys over and over because everyone else down there licks balls. And it certainly didn't cost them the game any more than Wolfe being a big pile of useless horse cock.
Still... Litsch had struck out Cust three times already, and the A's had three lefties coming up. Downs was throwing in the bullpen, so, as far as I can tell, you've got two better options than Wolfe. So... um... what the fuck?
Jamie Campbell Makes Obscure References At one point during the Seattle series, something weird happened as the broadcast came back from commercial. Presumably one of those trains that run through SafeCo Field (which fucking Campbell feels the need to mention every single fucking time they pass through) was showing on the screen. Totally without explanation, Cambpell declared, "Welcome to the Island of Sodor!" After that, the game went on as normal.
I don't know about you, but I kind of couldn't help but wonder what the fuck that was all about. Thankfully, I keep a notebook with me at all times during Jays games, and I wrote it down. I just Googled it. Turns out (shock!) Campbell is tool.
Last Night's Beverage of Choice: Chocolate Milk
Awesome Paraphrased Wilnerisms of the Night: I can't pick just one after what the man himself called an "award winning" Extendo Jays Talk that lasted until 2 am. The late night callers are fucking spectacular.
Guy referring to the Jays problems on defence keeps saying how "we" have been having trouble throwing the ball. Wilner: "I don't have any difficulty throwing the ball, do you?"
Possibly the same guy goes through a list of what might be causing the defensive gaffes and asks whether Wilner thinks there might be something wrong with the ball itself. Wilner: "Seriously?!? No."
Moron who thinks he can predict Jays losses because they always seem to happen after big offensive outbursts says using his system is "like shooting ducks in a barrel." Wilner: "Fish in a barrel."
Same moron, after being told by Wilner that "you can't really have an argument" about it because the sample size is too small retorts: "Well I was speaking to your producer and he said that the only thing sample size affects is accuracy." Wilner: "Uh... yeah."
Moron then attempts to continue his argument anyway. Wilner: "OK, give me the stats that don't mean anything."
At one point a completely self-contradictory retard calls in to say that Litsch didn't impress him and doesn't have what it takes, that Glaus needs to be traded for "a great pitcher. You know, get our money's worth", that Overbay needs to go, and all manner of ridiculous fucking horseshit statements. Somewhere in the middle, he calls out a previous caller for not knowing anything about baseball. Wilner eventually cuts him off saying: "I love it, but I just can't listen to any more of it. . . If you call in again, and please call in again, because that was great, I'd suggest that you don't cast aspersions on-- that you don't question other peoples' knowledge of baseball. It just doesn't suit you."
Flipping Channels: The Colbert Report (Comedy Network), Who Killed the Electric Car? (MFest) I'm as sensible as the next person, and completely suspicious of GM's motives for destroying their fleet of EV1s, but crying because they took your electric car away??? You fucking granolas need to get a grip. Colbert is obviously hilarious, but requires more focus than a few intermittent flips of channel.
Normally, after a 3-1 defeat I’d be criticizing the Jays’ bats for not doing what they’re supposed to or else waiting for a post from Stoeten threatening the life of Mickey Brantley’s children. However, after watching last night’s dominating performance from A’s starter Joe Blanton, I’ve got nothing.
Blanton was incredible, tossing a four-hitter for his league leading third complete game of the year. Making the loss even worse were the rumours that circulated during the off-season that the Jays were interested in working a trade for Blanton.
The loss now puts the Jays record at 3-6 for the West Coast road trip.
The Good
Despite some early jitters, Jesse Litsch, returning from a stint in Triple-A, pitched very well for the Jays, giving up no earned runs over seven innings. I know the kid is at least a year away from full time residence in the big show, but it’s good to see a young player bounce back from disastrous outings.
For example, after my first sexual experience when I was six (I brought my 16 year-old babysitter Melanie so much pleasure that she had seizures), I was completely turned off of romantic intimacy until I turned eight. No, you're immature.
Anyway, way to get back on that horse, Jesse.
The Bad
I’ve been giving Gregg Zaun a break on his lack of throwing ability. For the most part, I tend to blame the pitchers when it comes to the easiness with which teams have been running against the Jays. Last week I didn’t even mention when Zaun couldn’t throw a guy out from a pitch out.
However, no more.
What the fuck was with the delay on Shannon Stewart’s stolen base in the first inning last night? It reminded me of when you’re playing a baseball video game and you get so wound up in the pitching that you forget that guys can run. Then, just as you go ahead 1-2 in the count . . . whamo . . . a pixilated Juan Pierre is sliding into second and your throw is about a million years too late.
To add insult to injury, not only was Zaun’s throw late, but it was off as well, going into the outfield and allowing Stewart to get to third base.
Later, Nick Swisher would steal a base. Yeah, I know.
The Ugly
Troy Glaus played like absolute shit last night. At times, it was almost comical. The giant third-baseman, looked lost trying to pull the ball in his first at-bat. Then, in the second inning, Glaus made a ridiculous fielding error with two out, which led to the go ahead run. Not done yet, Glaus mistakenly challenged the arm of A’s centerfielder Mark Kotsay who threw him out at second (although replays showed that Glaus was safe, there was no question that the throw beat him there).
Down Goes Frasor I've criticized him here before, and Parkes did more of the same today, and in theory I hate to dump shit on a player so much, but... Jason Frasor holy fuck. I'm sorry, but I don't care how hard you throw the ball, you can't make it as a major league pitcher if you throw your fastball in a straight fucking line. The hitters will always figure out where it's going. Like, when I'm playing wiffle ball I nearly shit myself when I get full counts and have to actually try to throw a straight-line strike. That's like asking for the key to enter a world of shit.
How come this seems so obvious and instinctual to me, yet you still have a job? Is it the 17 saves three years ago? 'Cause um... fuck your 17 saves three years ago.
You're Losing It, Blair! Parkes has also mentioned the most recent AJ Burnett bullshit, but let me give you some opinion on it from a perspective that makes sense. I saw Jeff Blair's article in the Globe, and while I generally like Blair a lot, I think he's way off on this one. Burnett getting traded? Two words: Chris Carpenter.
There's no way JP sells the fanbase all kinds of snake oil on this guy for two years, then just gives him away and crosses his fingers that he doesn't put it all together somewhere else. Sorry, Blair, but like it or not, AJ's a BJ until he pitches a full, healthy, fantastic season next year and then opts out of his contract and moves on to greener pastures.
And you know what? Personally, I'm fine with the situation as it is. Seriously. Yeah, it sucks that Burnett is always hurting, but before you throw him under the bus, does nobody remember how great he pitched when Halladay was out? When he's healthy, there's hardly a pitcher in baseball with better stuff. Jays fans just need to be a little more extra-patient with this guy. Sorry, but that's the deal. I'd still take 20 Burnett starts way ahead of 30 Chacin starts or Towers starts. Wouldn't you?
Broadcast Wrongs Two quick things about last night's broadcast. One: Rance Mulliniks is actually developing into a very good analyst. He's growing on me-- at least, he was until he explained how he'd had a conversation with Aaron Hill and they'd both decided that the way for Vernon Wells to improve is to "be more Vernon." WTF??
Regardless, Mulliniks is doing a nice job. Now, if only Campbell could just leave the analysing to Rance and call a simpler, less fucking goofy game.
Second: Who the fuck is running Sportsnet's pitch count and baserunner ticker thing at the top of the screen? Are these west coast games past their bedtime???
Awesome Paraphrased Wilnerism of the Night (1): Caller confirms that AJ Burnett has won games, but also lost ones-- or something equally pointless and obvious-- and then immediately thanks Wilner and hangs up. Wilner: "OK. Well, I'm not sure what point you were trying to make, but thanks for the call."
Awesome Paraphrased Wilnerism of the Night (2): Useless sack of shit with a hate-on for Gibbers accuses the manager of causing AJ Burnett's latest injury. Wilner: "I don't think you can say that throwing 15 extra pitches in three starts is going to do anything-- granted, those starts were back-to-back-to-back, but he also had an extra day off in there."
Awesome Paraphrased Wilnerism of the Night (2b): Useless sack of shit keeps pressing and blames Gibbons for "at least seven losses" this season. Wilner: "The best managers don't win more the seven to ten games for their teams in a year. And the worst manager would have to really try to lose eight games in half a season."
Well done, Wilner. I've been ragging on Pro Sports Daily people about this for weeks. There isn't much that Gibbons has done wrong this season, and there's much, much less that he's done wrong that any other manager wouldn't have done wrong.
Flipping Channels: TV is a wasteland, so I pretty much stuck with Sportsnet's shitty commercials all weekend. But over the course of the weekend I did manage to squeeze in First Blood, Rambo: First Blood Part Two, Rambo III, Major League, and Apocalypto, though, sadly, not Transmorphers.
While the Toronto chapter of the Baseball Writer’s Association has yet to name their player and pitcher of the month, Drunk Jays Fans are on the ball as usual.
As voted on by our staff and readers, the DJF Player and Pitcher of June are John “PMoD” McDonald and Shaun “North of Steeles” Marcum.
Congratulations, fellas.
McDonald and Marcum will each be sent a certificate and a $10 gift card for the LCBO.
I know, like me, you can’t stop thinking about who the last player on the American League All-Star roster should be.
At first glance of the candidates, you’re thinking that it’s a no-brainer. As Drunk Jays Fans, it’s our duty to vote for Roy Halladay. Doc is our best player. What kind of self-respecting Jays fan site wouldn’t vote for Halladay?
Well, uninformed muckrake (this is what the spellchecker suggested in place of fuckface), this kind of self-respecting Jays fan site wouldn’t vote for Halladay.
Neshek is not only pleading with fans to vote for him, but bribing them with information (the blog readers’ favourite currency) and possible prizes.
I seriously would like to promise everyone All Star balls or jerseys for voting but it might be a stretch...I will promise this, if you guys can get me in I will write about everything that goes on... multiple updates each day letting everyone know what the heck goes on behind closed doors, I will always inscribe anything with All Star 07...dont even have to ask, I will try my best to get lots of giveaways and give them away on here and if I get an extra jersey like they did last year I will give it away in a contest not an auction. I don't know what else to say it would be the greatest feeling in the world to be voted in by you guys.
I really don't know how to describe this but I'm the fan/collector/guy that somehow managed to get to the big leagues. I seriously wake up each day and can't believe how I got here and am thankful to even touch the uniform! Basically if I wasn't playing baseball right now I would probably be the guy who was coming home from work and planning a night around baseball: planning what games to go to, which minor league teams to get autographs at, which guy to take on my fantasy team and which guy to trade in MLB The Show. Heck this is what I do in the off-season, no lie! Basically I'm a fan of baseball, if your team wasn't represented in this final 5 Vote I would love to represent you and all the fans of the game. I can tell you right now that nobody in the world, no other player would appreciate this more than me. So if you want somebody that is a fan of the game, a guy just like you, a guy that would probably pass out if elected to the ALL STAR game then you can help me out by voting here!
I really don't understand how I could not vote for this guy. Neshek gets my emphatic vote.
Okay, first a refresher course on the recent life and times of AJ Burnett.
The Jays signed Burnett before the start of the last season to a five-year, $55-million contract that includes an opt-out clause that he can exercise at the end of next season.
During his time with the Blue Jays, Burnett has been on the Disabled List more often than a dude on Stoeten’s mom. More than one fan has started referring to him as Carl Pavano North.
Yesterday, the highly esteemed Dr. James Andrews (the dude has pitching arms mounted above his fireplace) examined Burnett and the official word from the Blue Jays is that he diagnosed him with “a mild strain and impingement” in his shoulder. As a result, Burnett is going to rest his arm for the next week before throwing again.
Obviously, the Blue Jays’ front office is filled with filthy liars, so what Dr. Andrews really diagnosed is a bit of a mystery (yeah, you’re working at building a mystery). In fact, there are two possibilities for what really happened.
Possibility One
Just like last year, Burnett was actually diagnosed with being a pussy.
Yes, he’s been overworked so far this year and yes his arm is tired, but fucking suck it up dude. Seriously, you don’t think I get a fucking migraine the moment I get to work. Part of working for a living entails that you experience a little bit of discomfort and Major League pitchers are no different.
I know it’s been a knock against AJ throughout his career that he’s a bit of a softy, but I really thought he turned a corner this year. After Halladay went down with his injury, it was Burnett who picked up the slack and became the rotation’s leader.
What happened AJ?
Oh, how about going three consecutive starts throwing 127, 118 and 131 pitches? Suck it up. AJ, if you want to be the leader in the locker room that you're seemingly trying to be, you're going to have to back it up on the mound as well, not just with water guns in the dugout.
Possibility Two
AJ Burnett needs an arm transplant.
Just like BJ Ryan earlier this year. JP doesn’t want to announce that AJ is finished for the season because of a potential negative impact on ticket sales and the fact that it would make JP look like a moron for signing Burnett. From all my medical research (read: Google search), I've learned that an impingement is commonly associated with causing rotator cuff problems including rotator cuff tears.
Whatever the truth may be, Toronto sportswriters are already wondering if AJ is finished as a Blue Jay. According to the schedule that the Jays are claiming they’ve set for Burnett’s return, he’ll have the opportunity to pitch again before the trade deadline, perhaps as a showcase for other teams.
With the emergence of McGowan and Marcum (whose relationship I’m sure Rogers Sportsnet should centre a reality program around), Burnett is as expendable as the men in Stoeten’s mom’s life.
Why spend more than a tenth of your payroll on a pitcher putting up mediocre numbers over less than 20 starts per year? I’m sure we’re not the only ones asking this, but the immediate follow up question has to be, “Does anyone actually want Burnett on their team?”
As Jeff Blair points out in his Globe article today, while there may be fears of his apparent flakiness, many GMs may see Burnett’s talent and believe that they can handle him properly.
Just like Troy Glaus, if there really is interest, I wouldn’t stand in the way of a trade. As the Jays continue to slump on the road, where they'll be playing for 10 of the next 13 games, Ricciardi is going to have to evntually admit that this season is lost.
However, I’ll be at least a little sad to see ol’ AJ go. Over the course of this season, I’ve begun to like having Burnett on the Jays. First, as the garbage-chucking douche bag in a bathrobe. Then, as the hard luck pitcher who stepped up in Halladay’s absence despite not getting much run support. And now, as the chili-racing, injured prankster.
Josh Towers won back to back starts for the first time in almost two years as the Jays opened their series against Oakland with an 11-7 win.
Before Justin maxes out his credit cards on purchasing Josh Towers’ jerseys in every imaginable colour, we should take a bit of a look at his pitching line.
Hmmm. Five innings pitched, five hits, two walks and four runs allowed. Yes! Improvement. It’s just a matter of time before his ERA drops below 5.50
The Good
The top of the order went a combined 11 for 20. This is pretty much what I unreasonably expect every night, but it does feel good to see Vernon stroke a couple of long hard ding dongs all by himself.
The Bad
I’m all for giving gingers or those with ginger qualities the same opportunities that non-gingers receive, but enough is enough. Jason Frasor continued to pitch like Jason Frasor allowing two runs in only a third of an inning.
The diminutive redhead has allowed seven runs in his last three appearances. I have about as much confidence in Frasor’s pitching ability as I do in his ability to reach anything on a top shelf.
The Ugly
This game didn’t end until 1:15 a.m. I am very tired now. Thank you pitching changes.
They said it couldn't be done, but homeboy Josh Towers has managed to win back-to-back games. His first since August 2005. Holy fuck me. And all this by not pitching well at all. What a novel strategy.
Towers went for a measly five innings, throwing 82 pitches, getting four Ks and giving up a ding dong to D. Johnson. But shit, JT had the run support courtesy of our man Vernon, who's balls are clearly the size of watermelons these days.
Says the next Messiah of his slaves: "Even when I fell behind a couple guys I was able to just go ahead and challenge them with heaters right down the middle with the luxury of having a four-run lead. It's a nice thing to have when you're out there pitching."
News flash! Towers doesn't only throw meatballs when the Jays lose! He does it when they win, too! I'm starting to wonder if they might actually add "the meatball" to Josh's list of pitches.
"We've won three in a row in my last three starts, so that's what feels really good. We weren't winning any of my starts last year or this year to start the year. So, to win three in a row, that's a good sign for us."
Either a good sign for the Jays or an omen that the world is seriously not right, we'll see. Is Towers the second coming or the new Gustavo Chacin with hair?
I know you were all probably looking forward to my recap of last week's historical event, but I held off cause the truth was, I didn't really catch Towers manage to simmer down. I saw the first three innings at St. Louis and nearly threw my portion of wings against the flat-screen TV as I saw my hero just destroy his chances of even getting a job at Kmart after the inevitable demotion. I then headed over to Clinton's, during which time, the Jays took the lead and JT simmered the fuck down. Last night, I tuned out after JT gave up the ding dong to Johnson, fearing that he would simply implode and lose and I'd be left with nightmares of baserunners trying to force-feed me chicken fingers. But when I woke up, he'd somehow managed to pull through.
I'm not just superstitious, I'm really fucking superstitious in the stupidest ways possible. And I believe that as the only Josh Towers fan in the city, I'm his curse, too. So I don't think I'll ever watch him pitch again and see what happens. Give 'em hell, Joshie.
It's that special time of the month for Drunk Jays Fans, but instead of worrying about a bloody mess between your legs, you're expected to merely vote on which Blue Jay players receive $10 gift certificates for the LCBO, courtesy of Drunk Jays Fans as DJF Player and Pitcher Of The Month.
This month's candidates are:
Players
John McDonald Alex Rios Matt Stairs Curtis Thigpen Frank Thomas
Pitchers
Scott Downs Roy Halladay Shaun Marcum Dustin McGowan Brian Wolfe
Please vote in the comments section (and feel free to make your case for your votes) by 5:00PM on Tuesday.
AJ Burnett has been placed on the disabled list for the fourth time in his one and a half seasons with the Jays. He visited Dr. James Andrews in Alabama today to take a look at his oft injured arm. However, I’m thinking he’d be better off visiting the ghost of Alfred Adler.
Alex Rios was named to the All-Star team as the Blue Jays only representative. While we can still vote Roy Halladay into the final roster spot, it’s probably not worth our time considering he’s up against a Japanese pitcher who plays in Boston (no, not that one).
Reed “Dougie” Johnson has been enjoying his rehab assignment in Dunedin. Over three games, the lead-off left fielder is hitting .444 with a double and a home run.
Finally, Jamie Campbell has a mother-fucking blog? Am I late to the ballpark on this? Has anyone out there been reading this? Judging by the first post, Jamie must've done very well in grade nine English class.
We at DJF are forever giving hometown Toronto fans a hard time for their moronic displays of stupidity at baseball games. Seriously, being a baseball fan in a hockey town means that you have to tolerate a lot of fucking idiots when you head down to the Dome.
That’s why I nearly cried tears of envy watching the Minnesota Twins fans give Frank Thomas a standing ovation for hitting his 500th home run. I would hate to see what would happen at Rogers Centre if a player from the opposing team cemented his hall of fame credentials with a career achievement like The Big Hurt’s. A 500th home run, 300th win or 3000th hit would likely be met with ignorant yawns or distasteful boos.
My tears of envy quickly turned into jizz of jealousy when I learned that the dude, and now honourary Drunk Jays Fan, who caught the home run ball from his seat in left-centrefied gave it back to Thomas without asking for anything more in return than a meeting with the future hall of famer.
When asked about the potential value of the ball, Todd Eisenlohr said, “I don’t really care about that. It’s just money.”
Showing his appreciation for the thoughtful act, Thomas gave the 24 year old Twins fan an autographed jersey, as well as a bat and ball.
Meanwhile, fans in Toronto were busy phoning into sports radio shows and claiming that if the Leafs could just sign Kozlov they’d be an immediate Cup contender.
It was difficult watching the Jays this weekend, not only because they looked overmatched by a team whose manager doesn’t even want to be there, but also because the West Coast late games on Friday and Saturday night meant that I was even more drunk than usual (apologies to Sarah for referring to her getting a ‘giner buzz from baseball players).
The Jays dropped a massive, dirty, creamy deuce on an otherwise perfect long weekend full of beautiful weather, wiffleball games, Rambo movies, mint juleps and minimal nationalism.
However, at least we now have the helpful guide, How To Ruin Dustin Parkes’ Otherwise Perfect Long Weekend In Three Easy Steps.
1. Be Dustin McGowan and not have your best stuff, then put the Jays in a position where they have to play catchup for seven innings, on their way to a 5-3 loss.
The Jays are now three games under .500 and continue this suddenly shitty roadtrip in Oakland tonight when Josh Towers tries to play the role of stopper.
Being smarter and better-looking than average Canadians, we at DJF love to harp on our nation’s sensibility when it comes to patriotism.
I’m not knocking patriotism. I’ve been known to get goose bumps on occasion over strong renditions of national anthems and I appreciate my national history more than most.
However, I feel as though too many Canadians buy into the fact that they should be proud of a beer-swilling, hard-working, Tim Hortons’ double-doubling, ice hockey-haired, gettin’ ‘er done identity that doesn’t really exist, except artificially by those buying into it.
I’ve said it before, but Canada is fucking awesome because of its diversity and the fact that you don’t have to wave a flag until your nuts fall off to show that you’re proud of where you live.
In fact, the only time Canadians should get their flags out is when Quebec threatens to separate, and that’s only to tell Pepsi Talent (there’s no Coca-Cola in Quebec) that your Canada includes them.
Anyway, the reason I’m going on about this again is because July 1st is Canada Day and the flag-wavers will be out in full force from tonight until Monday, a holiday in Canada.
To recognize our foundation as a nation and to capitalize on artificial feelings of patriotism this weekend, the Toronto Blue Jays, our nation’s only Major League Baseball team, will be . . . drum roll please . . . playing in Seattle.
Now, normally I don’t get riled up over this bullshit, but not scheduling any games in Canada over our nation’s birthday isn’t the first dicking we’ve received by the dicks at the anti-Canadian MLB head office this year.
The MLB schedule makers just can't seem to get enough ass-fucking of Toronto.
First, they don’t give Toronto a single weekend series against the Red Sox or Yankees, which usually accounts for half of the Eastern Seaboard coming to our town to drop American fliff on our service industry (yeah, you know what kind of service).
Now, on Canada Day weekend, which would guarantee at least two matinee sellouts with all the proud-to-be-Canadian types, the geniuses at MLB have the Jays scheduled to play in Seattle.
Fucking brilliant, Bud. Why don’t you just shit all over a caribou and wipe your ass with a maple leaf (might I suggest Nik Antropov . . . meuh!).
It’s been hard enough to draw Canadians back to the Jays since the strike and since shittiness descended on our team, but now, when we actually have an exciting product to watch, to totally drop the ball on what could’ve been an excellent showcase to the flag-waving type is unforgivably stupid . . . or worse, anti-Canadian.
I know it can be hard to get pumped up for the weekend knowing that a shitty band like Linkin Park not only exists, but likely gets to fuck way hotter ladies on a regular basis than you or I . . . well, at least you.
Anyway, to counterbalance their existence in the world, the following links are below.
The Hardball Times asks how Paul Depodesta, formerly of the Dodgers, is not a GM somewhere else.
I know it’s hard to believe, but a blog called Fire Joe Morgan really hates Joe Morgan and loves dissecting all of his idiotic comments from ballgames and webchats. Yes, it's ingenious.
Finally, you should check out our new friends at Our Book Of Scrap who may want to seriously consider subtitling their page “Sports News With Tits.”
So like Stoeten said, none of us actually saw anything happen yesterday. Sure, we were all still pretty happy about our man Frank hitting his 500th ding dong. And we were kinda mystified by Burnett's blow up when he got ejected (was he pissed at himself? Gibbons? Suffering from Ted Lilly disease?) And we were all pretty pissed about losing. And some of us nearly got fired after cursing out all of their colleagues to vent the frustration of seeing Frasor's stupid mug shot next to the news that we'd be tanking this one.
T. Hunter homered to deep left, M. Cuddyer scored
So Box Score, with it's cold as fuck commentary, still made for a pretty painful loss. But it also negated a historic moment. The game wasn't fucking available on Sportsnet or TSN. It was on the stupid mutherfuckin' Rogers Preview Channel. True, I couldn't have watched it at work anyway, but WTF?
We mention our friend James on this site quite a bit and that's cause he's a smart dude who really knows his baseball. And while he can certainly hit the bottle, he's far too smart to contribute to a juvenile blog like this one when he's sober (or hungover). So we basically just have to steal his wisdom from time to time and make it our own.
I got this e-mail from him moments after Frank's milestone:
The Jays afternoon game isn't on Canadian television today. All that fuss over 500 and neither Jamie nor Rod got to even make the call. When they show clips of famous Blue Jay homeruns they can't include any audio of Frank's 500th. Totally retarded.
PS I hate the Twins.
So basically, in the future when Canadian television actually acknowledges a sport other than hockey and gives us all instant hard ons with looks back at FT's 500th ding dong, we won't have our own television audio to accompany it. It'll probably have the radio commentary there or something. Which might actually be better, but we'll get to that later. For now I'll just say that the Rogers Preview Channel is a complete piece of shit and if there was ever a channel worth boycotting, it's this one. Way to go, Ted!
As mentioned earlier, we might be better off without the moronic commentary of Campbell or Black anyway. So this whole post is essentially pointless. Although I'd kinda like to hear Campbell downgrade the prestige of a milestone like this by calling it a ding dong. But Rod Black would've been just brutal:
"Wow! Did you see that? Frank Thomas inches one step closer to 500 with his 499th ... What? That one's 500? ... Well in that case this clearly is a great moment in the history of Lacrosse .... What? This is baseball? Well Thomas becomes the first player ever to get 500 goals and ... He's not the first? ... Home runs? ... Touch them all, Frank! ... What do you mean plagiarism? Well let's just move on here. What do you think of the whole Barry Bonds thing?"
Truth be told, I had to listen to this one, which would have been more refreshing had the three previous games been called by Sportsnet. As much as Rod Black is a bit of a stooge-- though a dashing stooge, now that he's shaved the porn-stache-- I still find him way less annoying than Jamie Campbell.
Howarth and Ashby are miles above the other crews. They've each got their own shit together so well that they actually have disputes with each other-- whereas the TV fuckjobs have a piss of a time saying anything that's not written directly in front of them.
And even then it's not easy.
What that means, though, is that I didn't technically see the 500th F-Bomb, I didn't technically see the blown strike call on AJ Burnett's curveball to Jason Bartlett (though I'm still sure it was fucking horseshit), and I didn't technically see the goddamn Jays' batters whiskey dick their way through the last six or seven innings. So... y'know... there were positives, too.
Frasor: Shitty TV Show, Shittier Pitcher Jason Frasor is the worst kind of pitcher-- even worse than Towers (sorry Justin).
I say that because sometimes he goes out there and nobody can seem to touch him, and then other times... it looks like he's throwing fucking soccer balls. And not even soccer balls that are painting the corners; big fucking juicy motherfucking soccer balls right down the goddamn pipe. And you never know which Frasor you're going to get. Is it going to be the hilarious, beaten-down husband, suicide-attempting, snipe hunting, we-like-you-but-don't-respect-you, Diane-Chambers-fucking, running-out-of-Cheers-references, bearded, good old motherfucker from Boston? Or maybe that smug unwatchable cocksucker from whatever show he did after that.
For fuck sakes, with Towers at least you know where you stand. At least you know you're in the thick of the shit with Charlie on three sides of you, your platoon-mates going shit ape on acid, and your last clip running low.
Fact of the Matter Is. . . Even though the Jays-- when you think about the two games they lost-- realistically should have swept this fucking series, a split really isn't so bad. The Twins have a better record than the Jays do, and they're a hard-nosed, difficult team to play against. Especially for a team like ours who can neither hold runners on nor throw them out. Heading into the series, if it hadn't been for the high expectations after the sweep of Colorado, a split here really wouldn't seem so bad.
This Afternoon's Beverage of Choice: Well... I was at work, so coffee and water.
This Evening's Beverage of Choice: As I'm writing this, Bouchard, Aîné & Fils Pinot Grigio
Awesome Wilnerism of the Day (1): "As soon as you said he's a .500 pitcher you lost me, because that has nothing to do with anything. I think he's pitched one year in his career on a team that's above .500. He's been a .500 pitcher on teams that were below .500."
Awesome Wilnerism of the Day (2): Caller repeatedly asks, "How much games have they lost since Overbay was out? How much games have they lost since Overbay was out?" Wilner: "How many games."
Non-Baseball Thing That May Only Be Funny To Me We use a couple of services that track the number of page views we get each day. They also show us shit like where our readers come from, which pages they clicked to us from, and what they Googled to find us. We don't give a shit, it's just a larf. And sometimes, it's a bigger larf than others. Like when this search somehow pointed to us. . .
This time it's the Los Angeles Angels who have decided to give Mr. April his walking papers, giving themselves 10 days to trade him before he becomes a free agent. This is after they signed him to a one-year, $6 million contract in the off-season.
Sadly, the Angels never really got a chance to fully experience the magic that is Shea. Hillenbrand injured himself only a couple games into the season, depriving Angels fans of both his typically-scorching early season, and the crushed hopes that come with watching his average slowly work its way back down to .270 over the course of the summer.
His exit also seems to have been relatively free of fireworks and lingering ill will, which is a crying shame. The fans in Los Angeles of Anaheim deserve to despise Shea as much as the fans here, or in Boston, or Arizona, or wherever this douche bag winds up next.
Speaking of Shittenbrand's next destination, one wonders if the Angels will be able to make a trade that nets them anything near as good as Jeremy Accardo, who was acquired by the Jays from the Giants last July for said douche plus Vinnie Chulk, after Hillenbrand's clubhouse confrontation with John Gibbons (who outstandingly challenged Mr. April to a fist fight, and threatened to quit if he wasn't cut). When they inevitably don't, one also wonders if the hacks in the Toronto media-- who, as Accardo has emerged as a bonafide closer, have done as little as possible to praise Ricciardi for that fleecing-- will have the balls to say anything about it.
Gregg Zaun was also highly critical of Hillenbrand's clubhouse conduct last season. Holy fuck, Gibbers and Zaunner don't like this asshole? Shit, that's like 14 strikes against the fuckhead in my book. I am not a religious man, but trust me, I am praying that whatever brain dead general manager gives Hillenbrand another chance runs a club that still has to play a few games at the Rogers Centre this year.
Josh Towers basically pitched like Josh Towers for the first three innings of the game tonight allowing three runs and sending me to my Mac to make a montage video celebrating Towers impending demotion.
However, something strange happened on Josh’s way to Syracuse. The Jays’ bats fought back. In the fifth, Howie Clark, playing for a resting Aaron Hill, doubled to knock in Adam Lind and then was eventually knocked in himself by the surging Vernon Wells. Gregg Zaun then hit a two run homer in the sixth to give the Jays the lead.
In response to the Jays bats, Towers returned in the bottom of the fifth with some confidence and overcame four fielding errors on his way to victory, his first as a starter since April 15. The 5-4 win puts the Jays a game over .500 and ensures that they leave Minnesota with a split series at the very worst.
Pitching for his Blue Jays career, Towers opened the game looking about as steady as me on a Sunday morning following a three-day bender. However, spurred on by the Jays bats, and not their fielding, he came back to allow only two infield hits in his last three and a third innings.
According to JP Muppet on the radio after the game, Ty Taubenheim will now be demoted to Syracuse to make room for AJ Burnett coming off the DL tomorrow. The faulty Towers remains to pitch yet another day.
The Good
In the top of the seventh, Royce Clayton got on base with a double and the Jays played perfect fundamental baseball to add to their lead. Vernon Wells advanced the runner and ended up legging out a single and then, Alex Rios hit a sacrifice fly to bring Clayton home for the eventual winning run.
Without that run, I have a feeling these two teams would still be playing.
Gregg Zaun also gets an honourable mention, not only for his two run ding-dong, but also for blocking the plate on a key out at the plate (although, I suppose every play at the plate is key).
The Bad
Matt Stairs, in the midst of a great month, has had a terrible series. Going 0 for 4 tonight, he is now 1 for 14 against the Twins over the last three games.
Stairs compounded his poor at bats with two errors tonight on the same play. A rough night all around for Matty.
I’m also disappointed to report that he appears to be growing out his horseshoe hair, thereby hiding his amazing baseball cap tan line. When shaven, his head looks like two separate geographic zones on a map. The Ugly
Royce Clayton looked terrible in the field tonight, committing an error and slowing down a potential double play. Without his double in the seventh, I’d be raining down a chorus of boos on the middle infielder for turning in an extremely shitty performance immediately following his complaints to the media over his lack of playing time.
A couple weeks ago, I stumbled into an Indigo (Canadian for Barnes & Noble . . . sort of) looking for a quick read over the lunch hour. Without a single baseball magazine to choose from, I went searching through the stacks of baseball books that were hidden almost underneath an escalator.
Interested in one out of every two dozen stacked, I made three decisions: 1) I was going to spend this summer reading as many books about baseball as possible, 2) I wasn’t going to read any shitty books about baseball, and 3) I wasn’t going to read any fictional books about baseball (no matter what good things people say about Mark Harris’ The Southpaw).
After a quick and frustratingly unfruitful search online, I consulted my friend and fellow baseball head James (previously mentioned in this blog as the man who intends on tying his first son’s right arm to his body as a means of improving his chances of raising a Southpaw) on a proper list of good baseball reading.
His suggestions combined with my own baseball reading have resulted in The DJF Guide To Summer Reading. Throughout the summer, I’ll be providing reviews on many of these books, as I knock off the ones I haven’t already read.
The Long Ball by Tom Adelman This is an in-depth look at the 1975 season, mainly covering the Boston Red Sox and Cincinnati Reds, with features on Bill “Spaceman” Lee, Catfish Hunter, Pete Rose and one of the greatest World Series of all time.
A Pitcher’s Story by Roger Angell Angell, quite possibly the greatest baseball writer, follows David Cone during the 2000 season, the worst of his career. Despite some pity for the arm aneurysm, I hate David Cone. I hated him when he left the Jays for Kansas City and then I hated him again when he came back and whined to be traded.
Eight Men Out by Eliot Asinof We all know the story and everything, but this book goes into more meticulous detail about the 1919 Black Sox than you when you brag to your friends about your first threesome experience. Although written in 1963, this book would still be a stand out if it were written today.
Ball Four by Jim Bouton Before the days of tell-all book deals, this story named names and made no attempt to protect anyone. According to Wikipedia, Ball Four covers all “the petty jealousies, the obscene jokes, the drunken tomcatting . . . and the routine drug use” of a professional baseball team.
Diamond Dreams by Stephen Brunt Probably Canada’s best print journalist, Brunt covers the first thirty years of our beloved Blue Jays, from drunk fans who loved Rush to, well, drunk fans who still love Rush.
The Last Best League by Jim Collins Collins chronicles the Cape Cod League’s Chatham A’s during the 2002 summer league season and introduces a number of characters amongst the college all-stars. Along the way, we’re given an appreciation for summer on Cape Cod and the place of baseball in the heart of a local community.
Game Of Shadows by Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams Do you hate Barry Bonds, but have trouble articulating just why? You can skim any random page of this amazing piece of investigative journalism and come up with a dozen reasons to hate the soon-to-be Home Run King of Kings.
The New Bill James Historical Baseball Abstract by Bill James I know you’re thinking this is likely just the first baseball abstract, but with a new epilogue or something. It’s actually almost an entirely new book in which James rates the 100 best players at each position and introduces more ways to statistically analyze ball clubs.
The Boys Of Summer by Roger Kahn Kahn takes a look at the history of the Brooklyn Dodgers organization, right up to their 1955 World Series win. He also follows the individual players from these storied teams as they live their lives after baseball.
Moneyball by Michael Lewis You’ve probably used the term “moneyball” more than the word “please” over the last couple months, but find out why Oakland GM Billy Beane would not want Jeremy Bonderman and Ben Sheets on his team. Also learn what Silver Tongue Ricciardi was up to before his days as Jays GM.
Fantasyland by Sam Walker Subtitled as a season on baseball’s lunatic fringe, Walker writes about his experience getting into the world of fantasy baseball. According to the The New York Times review, he “goes all out, hiring experts, attending spring training, peppering general managers and players with technical questions and trying to determine whether the clubhouse access he enjoyed as a sportswriter would help him in drafting the best batters and pitchers.”
Weaver On Strategy by Earl Weaver With a managerial strategy based around pitching, defense and the three run home run, it would be interesting to see how Weaver would stack up against his managerial competitors today. However, the cocky, foul-mouthed manager isn’t just full of piss and vinegar. Reading about his baseball philosophy is a great companion piece to the more scientific Moneyball.
May The Best Team Win by Andrew Zimbalist Zimbalist wrote the book on the economics of sport. No, literally, he wrote The Economics of Sport I and II. In this book, the American economist examines the current state of baseball and offers economic solutions for the many inequalities between the haves and have nots of Major League Baseball teams.
You may have noticed in these pages a certain special distaste for Molson-ad-campaign-style flag-waving, Don Cherry having sex with Anne Murray in a canoe, douchebaggy Canadian nationalism. What you may not have noticed-- though you probably did-- is that I'm also one of those hypocrites who, at the same time, has no problem with that kind of attitude when it comes to my father's homeland-- the Netherlands. (No, dipshit. I do not mean Holland. I mean the Netherlands.)
I just wanted to be clear about that before anybody calls me on it. Outright hypocrisy is most likely going to be the new irony, so I figure I'm going to get in on the ground floor.
Anyway, I bring this all up because I want to be honest that I never really thought all that much of current Minnesota Twins announcer Bert Blyleven... until I found out he was Dutch. He was at the tail end of his career when I was a kid, and was always lumped into Hall of Fame discussions with shitty "longevity" candidates like Don Sutton and Tommy John-- so I think I can be forgiven for not noticing his total awesomeness. Once I did, I was an instant convert. "Dutch" is absolutely deserving of being in the Hall of Fame, and (with help from Bill James) Joe Posnanski from the Soul of Baseball blog post that I mentioned here the other day, completely backs me up:
Forty-six times in his career, Blyleven threw eight innings or more, gave up two runs or less and either lost or got a no-decision. If he wins just 13 of those, he has 300 victories. And he would have been in the Hall of Fame years ago.
Not only that, but dude is from Zeist!-- home of the KNVB and Mark Overmars. OK, yes the Mark Overmars from Zeist is some science geek and not a wicked midfielder, but who gives a shit??? Blyleven is fucking outstanding! Need more proof? Well, there is more than enough in the "Off-colour Comments" section of his Wikipedia entry, which includes video of him saying fuck on the air twice, and gems like this:
Bert was musing about how it was helpful for people to know the mayor of the town they're in. "You never know when, late at night, you may need to drop the Mayor’s name," he said. [Play-by-play partner Dick] Bremer asked if Blyleven ever had to do this, and Blyleven responded in the affirmative. Bremer replied: "Me, I know the dog catchers." Blyleven retorted: "Is that ‘cause of the girlfriends you used to have?"
Gold!
If you're still not convinced, consider the fact that Blyleven was nails enough yesterday to call Chuck Swirsky out during their conversation (scroll down) about what they would do if they caught Frankie T's 500th F-Bomb.
Right fucking on, Dutch! It would be a real douche manoeuvre to try to make a quick buck on Frankie's ball. But shit... since there are eight more games before the team comes home, let's for the Jays' sake hope that whatever ethical dilemmas are brought up by this issue are long resolved before fans around here have to worry about it.
Alright you stupid dumb fuck, I can't believe this is my ninth gay pep talk and I still haven't given up on you. I was nearly going to buy a jersey with your name on the back last week at the risk of being the most taunted Jays spectator for the remainder of my baseball-attending life. Thank God I was too drunk to head to the 100s or comprehend the logistics of Parkes' suggestion that I have the jersey "delivered to my seat." (Dude, they do that for real, yo?) I have nothing left to say and I don't know if I can believe any more despite what you said to the Sun:
"The arm strength is not there to do what we need out of me as a starter, I have to build up to that arm strength," Towers said of what his chief problem has been since his return. "But I'm getting a better routine started, back to a normal starting routine, and my body's starting to adjust now."
Dude, are you fucking kidding me? You're getting back into a normal routine on your last day of pitching as a major leaguer for the rest of your life? What happened to the "fuck this shit, I can start" attitude from a few weeks ago?
Whatever, man, no more excuses. Yeah, the Bonser's pitching for the Twins. So what? You need more than 2.5 in run support? Fuck man, you're just bound to let in more runs that what you have backing you up anyway. Do you see what's happening? You've got me talking like an abusive father or a fucking irate gay lover for fuck's sake. You have me trying to pull reverse psychology for some way, any way to fucking win a fucking game in the name of any-fucking-thing that's holy.
Do you know what they're saying about you?
Q: Hi Richard, Can you please tell me why are the Jays sticking with Josh Towers? In the bullpen he was horrible, in the starting rotation he's horrible; isn't there anybody in the Jays system that can do a better job then Towers? Can you help me on this? Am I the only one here that thinks he doesn't belong in the big leagues anymore? Brent Kearns, Newington, Ont.
Now frankly, Brent Kearns is a dumb fuck who's probably been anally raped by his mother since birth. Yeah Brent, you're the only one who thinks Towers doesn't belong in the big leagues. You stupid fuck, EVERYONE knows he shouldn't be here. Except me.
And really Brent, did you think Griffin would have the answer?
A: Josh Towers is the Human Boomerang. Every time that GM J.P. Ricciardi tries to throw him away, he makes a big arcing move off in the distance and then whirs back into the picture. He is like a wad of Juicy Fruit on the bottom of J.P.'s Gucci loafers. The main reason they stick with him is that Ricciardi guaranteed him $2.9 million (U.S.) this season, whether he pitches or not. This spring, if anyone had stepped up, Towers would have been sent down. Then, once the season started, after every injury or failure by a member of the starting rotation, Towers was there to fill the void. Since the Jays signed him on November 8, 2002, Towers has never been hurt. When the need arises, Towers is always there with a smile and his best effort. He is like J.P.'s ultimate "booty call."
I guess that Griffin isn't exactly wrong on this one, but the Human Boomerang? A wad of Juicy Fruit? J.P.'s ultimate "booty call?" Is that shit supposed to be even remotely funny? Fuck you Griffon, you fucking bum.
At least Towers has a bit of a sense of humour:
"I pitch like my back's against the wall when people tell me I can't do something," Towers said with a sly grin. "Carlos Tosca (the former Jays manager), I hated him so much, but he was my favourite because he told me I sucked every day."
This is fucking hilarious. But at the same time, it might well be the only time Tosca actually showed sound judgment.
One more chance to prove them all wrong. In your honour, I will totally muff three plays in softball and then proceed to the bar where I will promptly lose my fucking mind. After you inevitably lose I will hit the chicken fingers and Bud Lite hard and request the person in the bar who comes the closest to looking like Frank Thomas to bitch slap me till I want to watch the Family Network. I will then proceed to off myself while I watch my bass player's other band. All this can be avoided by you throwing a perfect game. Do it.
Disappearing Act The Jays' bats decided to take the night off again, but that was almost alright, because it meant that we got to witness a tense pitchers duel between two members of a fine crop of young starters that populates the American League right now.
Scott Baker made the Jays hitters look ridiculous, especially in the early going, racking up nine strikeouts through the first five innings. He left the game in the lead, though it wouldn't hold up.
Shaun Marcum continued his run of excellent starts, and for the first time in the majors, took a game he started all the way to the ninth inning. Sadly, it wouldn't be enough. Out of frustration for letting in the one blemish on what was an otherwise stellar night, the cameras caugt Marcum pounding his fist in the dugout.
What the fuck? Shaun, you were far from being to blame for the outcome of this turnip. And if you want to be more effective for the team, next time you need to vent your frustrations, rather than punching your fist, why not punch Mickey Brantley?
Oh? I'd get into how fucking Frank Thomas looks like he's pressing for home run number 500 a little too much, or how the rest of the Jays hitters looked completely flat (again) against a pitcher a lineup like theirs should have destroyed (again), however, right from the outset it seemed like this was just one of those nights where the pitchers were grabbing the game by the balls.
At least, that's my story and I'm sticking with it. . .
D-Fense! Marcum made a pair of great defensive plays, including starting a double play with a daring strike to second that he was lucky to get the call on. Like most extremely tight games, one can now remember several potentially game-changing calls that could have easily gone the other way.
For example, Alex Rios earned an outfield assist, throwing out Torii Hunter at the plate in the bottom of the seventh... barely. It took a fantastic play from Gregg Zaun to grab the off-line throw and (supposedly) tag Hunter on the batting gloves sticking out of his pocket. Twins manager Ron Gardenhire was ejected for arguing the call.
Face Facts You're simply not going to win a whole lot of games where you have to face Joe Nathan for two innings with your own closer sitting on the bench. That's the situation the Jays were faced with as the visitors tonight, forced to leave Accardo on the bench to wait for a save situation. The Twins, of course, could run their best reliever out there as long as possible, knowing he couldn't be called upon for a save.
For their part, the rest of the Jays bullpen pitched extremely well. Even the losing pitcher, Tallet, only gave up a solid single to Cuddyer, and a couple of cheap ones to Ford and Cirillo.
Last Night's Beverage of Choice:Budweiser (tall cans)
Awesome Paraphrased Wilnerism of the Night: "You put Glaus on the line because you want to stop the game winning hit. You have a hole, but a hit there doesn't win the game-- a double down the line wins the game. It is not John Gibbons' fault. Putting Glaus there is what you're supposed to do."
Flipping Channels: Trailer Park Boys (Showcase), South Park (Comedy Network), Criss Angel - Mindfreak (A&E) Trailer Park Boys? Fuck. I'm from Peterborough. I know fucks who started as a shit-spark from the old shit-flint, and then turned into a shit-bonfire, and driven by the winds of their own monumental ignorance, turned into raging shit-firestorms.
South Park was the Crips episode, with that b-b-b-bbutthole Christopher Reeve. I'm just going to stay out of that one.
Now... Criss Angel - Mindfreak. I mean, ... well... doesn't David Cross have anything better to do? I loved the Ronnie Dobbs character as much as anybody, but to bring him back as some sort of douche bag magician? It was funny at first, but give it a rest, Cross. You're better than this shit.
As much as I enjoyed doing my little "Quick Fucks" segment, I think I'm going to try out a little bit of post-game reformatting. It's not that I want to tone down on the swearing-- check that: It's not that I fucking want to cut down on the goddamn swearing. It's more that I kept finding that "Quick" didn't really apply, and that the whole thing was a bit too bulky-- sort of like 4 shitty posts in 1.
Which is not to mention that, as much as I appreciated my own wit regarding the title "Quick Fucks", I started to wonder whether that's really the sort of term that I want associated with my name...
Insight from Pat Tabler? Whoa. Pat Tabler actually offered up some gems in his analysis of the game last night. It seems that having to drag Jamie Campbell's candy ass around might genuinely be paying off for the guy I used to kinda think was about as sharp as a bag of wet curly blonde slightly-retarded hair.
Tabler mentioned that, thanks to a tip from Lyle Overbay-- who apparently is obsessing over game videos during his rehab from a broken hand-- Vernon Wells has opened his stance slightly. It was Overbay who noticed that this year Wells' front foot has been a little closer to the plate than usual, and the modified stance seems so far to be working. According to Tabler, being slightly more open like that gives Vernon slightly more bat speed.
In other words, props to Mickey Brantley for having fuck all to do with Wells' apparent awakening.
TABLER UPDATE: Nope. He's still a fucking muffin. Reader Jonathan explains in the comments section.
Why Does Minnesota's Carpet Look Half Decent and Ours Look So Shitty? No, seriously. Why does Minnesota's carpet look half decent and ours look so shitty? Is Rogers not ponying up to get the patchy spots ironed out or something? It's the same Field Turf, right? Well then why the fuck does ours looks like a meth-head's front lawn?
More Insight from Tabler Shit! Tabler blew my mind again in the fifth inning of last night's game, pointing out that Twins cather Mike Redman was setting up inside on Johnny Mac, but that it wouldn't be effective because pitcher Kevin Slowey didn't have the stuff to blow it by anybody. Sure enough, McDonald singled.
Awesome Wilnerism of the Night (1): After incoherent fan calls in with nothing to say except reiterate the schedule for Jays first pitches and the pregame show, Wilner says: "Well, um, I guess you fulfilled a lifelong dream there, doing a promo for the Fan590. Thanks for the call."
Awesome Wilnerism of the Night (2): "No offence-- well, some of you are probably going to take offence-- but, if you're only focus is on winning the division, I'm sorry, you're an idiot. It's about making the playoffs."
Flipping Channels: Bruce Willis and Sarah Jessica Parker in Striking Distance (Showcase Action) It's a good thing I've never been within "striking distance" of Sarah Jessica Parker, because I'd probably stab her in the fucking heart with a silver cross-- or whatever it is you're supposed to do to kill demons. And that was before I even remembered this 1993 piece of shit. Now I'd probably just kick her in the balls-- because judging by the man-hands she paraded around when she was "sexily" caressing Bruce's face after coming to his house to confront him about his reckless behaviour as her partner on the police force, she clearly has testicles. Oh, and lady cops are way easy.
Afterwards some shitty Dolph Lundgren movie was on. Non-Baseball Thing That May Only Interest Me I can't say whether this section will be a regular thing or not, but I was just pointed to an excellent, interesting piece of work by a friend of ours, Brett Clarkson, writing for the Toronto Sun, and I felt compelled to share. Maybe it's only interesting to me, because I know Dan Burke all too well, but I really think Brett's done a fantastic job here. Truth be told, I normally wouldn't even wipe my ass with the Sun, so the fact that I'm about to link to it (twice!) should tell you something. Here's a great article, and accompanying video, on one of the seriously unique characters of this city-- or for that matter, anywhere.
Dudes, it's been a long six-week absence for me from the blog. A quick summary to explain why: My family came on three different occasions to torture me, I went to NYC and Montreal on two seperate week-long trips, and my computer suffered a major stroke and he's beyond repair (I've temporarily replaced my Mac with this piece-of-shit Dell). In other news, some asshole cable guy came and cut my free cable and a fucker stole my bike from my own backyard. July can't come soon enough. But the good news is, over the past month, baseball has brought me back in touch with my Uncle Chan. The dude's a math professor in town and he's one of those autistic-looking baseball fans (verging on Aspergers) that brings his binoculors, scores a game with different coloured pens and wears a hat with a flat brim in a completely unironic way (not in a Fernando Rodney gansta kind of way). But as retarded and uninspired as my uncle may seem, we're not going to make fun of him or the other teatoalling baseball nerds who attend the games because we here at DJF would much rather sit next to my geeky uncle than a drunk hockey-loving doucher who's trying to start the wave in the top of the 8th inning of a tied game. But you knew that already.
So I started chatting with my uncle over email about the Jays resurgence, and he wrote me back, dissecting the stats and giving me sone good analysis on the Jays offense and why they're back on their feet. Here is his email in entireity. Consider this a guest posting:
Date: Tuesday, June 26, 2007. To: Chairman Mao From: Prof. Yee-ling Chan Subject: Re: Jays win again.
Yes, Jays team good. You right: They play good. Me good with number, so I show why Jays win:
You look at past week number. You see: Jays hit ball good. Jays play 7 game. They win 5, lose 2. In last 7 game, they score 50 run. They hit .292. They hit 14 ding-dong.(why you call home run ding dong?) They play like Chinese gymnastic team at olympic and get gold!
you see: Matt Stairs good. Alex Rios good. Frank Thomas also good - as good as Frank steak in black bean sauce! Ha ha. He hit .308 and 3 HR last week. He look like giant Panda eating bamboo shoot!
But Stairs very very good, more good than other. He hit 5 ding-dong past week. Stairs hit ball now so good he like Chinese ping-pong player. Pow! He see ball, he hit ball, and he do again again. He have .444 average in past 7 game. Why your friends not like Stairs? i dont understand.
Wells still not good. He hit only .144 in 7 game. But he get 3 ding-dong so it ok. when he start hit like ping=pong player like stairs he get better and team get better. wells should play like Toyota but he now play like Korean car. He no Toyota. He like daewoo.
Grandma ask me if you go to game. I tell her you go and drink beer with friend. Why you drink so much Beer? Too much no good for you. why so loud at game? I have ticket to game with Cleveland. You come if you no drink.
As a sports fan, I had always imagined that your favourite player when you’re 10 years old will pretty much be your favourite player for the rest of your life.
With Raymond Bourque in hockey, John Elway in football and Dennis Bergkamp in soccer, this has certainly been the case. Although all of them are retired from their respective sports, no current player, no matter his accomplishments, will ever take their place as being my favourite.
However, baseball is different. Baseball has always been my favourite sport and because I’m rather sad and pathetic, I still maintain a ten year old’s passion for it. Nothing can get me as riled up or interested when it comes up in random conversation. And no other sport can offer me such a revolving door of heroes.
From Damaso Garcia to John Olerud to Jeff Bagwell, all have spent time receiving my immature admiration.
We’ve written on the blog numerous times about how you don’t choose favourite players, favourite players choose you. Since being traded to the Toronto Blue Jays from the Cleveland Indians ahead of the 2005 season, John McDonald has elicited my nervous attention more than any other ballplayer.
I live and die with each at-bat he takes and each grounder that comes his way. While clearly not the most talented player in the batter’s box, McDonald’s willingness to hustle and take one for the team is easier to cheer for than the most talented MVP award winners.
Watch him closely the next time he’s at bat. He never gives up, whether it’s a strikeout that hits the dirt (as seen last night), a long flyout where he still runs a route that allows him to most efficiently round first or an infield groundout where he hustles like he’s Jake Taylor running out a suicide squeeze. McDonald does everything right.
Usually batting at the bottom of the order, it’s heartbreaking to watch him after a hard-fought ground out walk past the supremely talented Alex Rios who occasionally hits leadoff. Rios, half a foot taller, leads the team in almost all offensive categories, yet is infamous for giving up on grounders and fly balls by jogging down the line to first instead of running hard.
When McDonald walks past, it’s almost as though he looks through ssaddened eyes at Rios and wonders what kind of superstar his work ethic combined with Rios’ talent would create.
So far this season, McDonald’s endearing effort has paid off. Hitting .293 on the year, McDonald has proven himself to be a clutch hitter that Gibbons can count on, including his walk-off heroics against Brad Fuentes and the Rockies on Friday night.
Defensively, McDonald has been as spectacular as ever. Sharing a name with Canada’s first Prime Minister (pictured), we at DJF affectionately refer to him as PMoD, the Prime Minister of Defense.
His spectacular range and crisp turns for double plays have garnered cheers from fans and the media alike. Often slow to compliment, Mike Wilner, the curmudgeon host of Jays Talk, a local post game radio show, refers to McDonald and Giants shortstop Omar Vizquel as being the two best defensive shortstops in the game.
As if it’s not enough to make all the right choices at the ballpark, McDonald has proven himself to be exceptional away from the field as well.
Earlier this season, McDonald recruited some of his teammates to visit wounded veterans at a military hospital in Washington. Following this, he organized the opportunity for some of these veterans to actually take batting practice with the team.
And it’s not just the flashy stuff either. The all-around good guy was praised online today in a column by Jody Vance. During Spring Training in 2006, Vance tells the story of moving from one location to another, and having to carry boxes up four flights of stairs.
“En route to the truck for another load, I saw a silhouette at our truck grabbing boxes. Were we being robbed? Nope -- au contraire -- the Major League-calibre cavalry had arrived. It was none other than the humble Jays shortstop himself.”
As painful as it is to admit, there are actually some people out there who do everything right. Whereas I shirk away from helping my own friends move, here’s John McDonald helping strangers in the middle of the evening.
Whether on the field or off, I’m proud of John McDonald choosing me.
Despite an uninspired outing from Roy Halladay, the Jays used the long ball to beat up on the Twins 8-5.
Halladay allowed five runs over seven innings, but Vernon Wells, Alex Rios and Matt Stairs all hit long, hard ding-dongs to lead the team.
My personal favourite play of the game involved John McDonald. After striking out in the third inning, McDonald noticed the ball hit the dirt and get away from Mike Redmond. The PMoD, hustling as always, got to second base on the misplay. The next batter, Vernon Wells followed with his third home run in four games.
The Good
I know at DJF, we tend to discredit the legitimacy of whatever team the Jays are playing, but I really like this Minnesota Twins team.
Yes, their starting pitching is a little shaky after Santana and their bullpen didn’t exactly hold their own against the Jays last night, but their scrappy young lineup would easily be my favourite if it weren’t for the Jays.
Aside from superstars Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau, and the extremely talented Torii Hunter, Minnesota has a lot of hard-nosed ball players, built from the DJF favourite player mould (the not-supremely talented who get by on hard work and pay special attention to defense). I’m talking about guys like Michael Cuddyer, Jason Bartlett, Jason Kubel and Nick Punto (pictured here defying gravity to make a catch in the first inning last night).
The team also has just as many white players as the Jays and that totally plays to my unconscious racism.
The Bad
It’s hard to complain about Frank Thomas lately. The dude has been on a tear, no question. Earlier, I was seriously beginning to doubt his off-season signing due to the typical slow start, but patience is finally starting to pay off.
However, I’ll be very happy once he hits his 500th F-Bomb because it seems that much to the detriment of whatever situation he’s in at the plate, Frankie is swinging for the fences.
I know that’s pretty much what he was brought in here to do and I know I criticized him previously for constantly taking pitches, but there are times that just getting on base or advancing the runner should be your priority.
The Ugly
In the bottom of the fifth, Halladay threw a wild pitch that ended up scoring two Twins runs. In his dive to score the second, Luis Castillo looked as though he landed cup first, skidding past the plate on his crotch before Halladay inadvertently stomped on his hand. Castillo grabbed his package and hand in obvious pain.
An Open Letter To Matt Stairs
Dear Matt Stairs,
I knew all along that you'd make a great contribution to this team.
However, your play in the absence of Reed Johnson and Lyle Overbay has been better than even I expected.
Perhaps DJF and you could get together for a glorious gang bang?
Send us your schedule and we'll fit you in. See what I did there?
Matt, I called you a fat slug back in April. I'm sorry. I told you to note to yourself that you are not Dougie. That might be true when you're in the outfield. But I'm still sorry. You're fucking ace. And it's almost as if you read my post yesterday, when you made this comment about all the playing time you're getting following your awesomeness yesterday:
"When I signed here, I expected to maybe get 200 at-bats. You hate playing due to injuries. Trust me, I'd love to see Overbay and Reed Johnson playing out there everyday," Stairs said. "But it's nice to have a veteran who's been around, and I've been in that situation for the last three years with Kansas City and guys getting injured."
"I think the biggest thing is I feel very comfortable playing in Toronto, back in my home country," Stairs said. "Everyone knows I'm a true Canadian and I take a lot of pride in that. It's just confidence."
While I can't relate to you staying up until 4 a.m. to watch a hockey game, damnit, do it if you have to.
I'm telling you this because I basically wrote off your Blue Jays career before it even began. I may have call you a tub of shit. I may have looked at the paths you took to fly balls and thought you were too much of a defensive liability to play at all. I may have thought your bat was mediocre, and that you were probably just another Koskie-esque Canadian retread being used to drum up ticket sales from the depths of the Molson-drinking, Don Cherry-loving, Stephen Harper-ite lot of nationalist stooges.
I was wrong. Oh, and there's nothing wrong with loving Don Cherry-- he's the drunken uncle we all wish we had (or didn't have). So I was wrong about that too.
Honestly, I don't know when I started to realize I had gone off the rails on you, Matty. It's been a bit of a slow process, from realizing that you enter to Stone Cold's music, to noticing your awesomely old-school motionless batting stance, to being informed by one of our readers of this gem.
The gem is a fascinating article called "The Hall of Could Have Been" from The Soul of Baseball-- a blog that's way too classy to really even be mentioned in these foul pages. It features a dialogue with Bill James on players who, under different circumstances, could legitimately have had a shot at the Hall.
The article covers a pretty large list that goes from the well-known (Fred Lynn, Elston Howard, Bert Blyleven), to the obscure (Bob Cerv, Gene Woodling), to the... well... Matt Stairs.
Yes, you, Matty Boy, according to Bill James-- the Bill James-- could have had a shot at the Hall. James explains:
"Look at it. Somebody decided he was a second baseman, he tears through the minor leagues, gets to Montreal, the Expos take one look at him and say, 'He's no second baseman, get real.' He bounces around, goes to Japan, doesn't really get to play until he's almost 30, then hits 38 homers, slips into a part-time role and hits 15-20 homers every year for 10 years in about 250 at-bats a season. ... You put him in the right park, right position early in his career ... he's going to hit a LOT of bombs."
It was around the time of reading this article that I seriously started reevaluating what exactly it was that I had against you, Matty. Those awkward paths to fly balls started to seem kind of awesomely comical, the "I dare you to make me take this bat off my shoulder" stance started to seem a lot more badass, and, of course, around the same time, you started mashing the living shit out of the ball.
So, yes Matt. I was wrong. You are not a retread. You are one king hell of a human being.
I'm sorry I ever doubted you. I'm sorry I said you were a tub of shit.
Thursday: RHP AJ Burnett (5-6, 4.00) vs. RHP Carlos Silva, (5-8, 3.98) @ 1:10 p.m.
That’s not a misprint by the way. Josh Towers will be given yet another chance when the Jays play the Twins on Wednesday.
However, Gibbons has said that this could be his last chance. On Thursday, AJ Burnett is scheduled to come off the disabled list and get the start, meaning that either Towers or Ty Taubenheim will be sent down to Syracuse.
With a good start on Wednesday, Towers could potentially delay the inevitable DFA for yet another week. A quick look at the pitching matchups should instill some confidence for Jays fans watching the first two games, but Wednesday is a free for all as Minnesota’s Gustavo Chacin, Boof Bonser, will battle Towers.
Another potentially boner-inducing thing to watch out for is Frank Thomas’ bat. The slugger has finally turned the shittiness corner and has hit .344 with four homers and 12 RBIs in his last nine games. On Sunday he dropped his 499th F-Bomb and although Frank has hit more dingers off the Twins than any other team, he hasn't had a tremendous amount of success in recent years. Still, it's only a matter of time until he reaches 500.
His line at the Metrodome over the last three years:
AB 44,R 8, H 14, 2B 4, 3B 0, HR 2, RBI 8, BB 3, HBP 0, SO 10, AVG .318, OBP .354, SLG .545, OPS .899
So who couldn't be happy about it? I mean, apart from all the morons in this city who are bummed that hockey's over. Well apparently, Royce Clayton isn't so pleased.
As we all know, Johnny Mac has been on fucking fire and brought us to eternal heaven with his game-winning poke on Friday. Clayton hasn't started in the last five games. Apparently, dude has been whining about his lack of playing to the Gibster and Muppet face. And apparently they both have been pretty straight forward with him. The answer is: McDonald is stellar and Clayton is shit.
"I went to talk to [Ricciardi] because I just wanted to know where I stood," Clayton said. "I wouldn't say he hasn't been honest with me -- he has. When I talk to J.P., he basically puts things pretty clear cut."
So basically, Ricciardi lied his face off to Clayton, but why do players whine when their team is doing well and that's clearly because they are not playing? Shit, I could understand if you're doing some monkey work at a stock brokerage and some dickhead golden boy is trying to steal your job. But you're a fucking ball player and you make fuckwads of money so shut the fuck up. I appreciate wanting to play shows that you have ambition and passion for the game and such, but you clearly don't give a fuck about the team. What do you want them to do? Take out the player who is doing well and put you in so we have a better chance at losing? Sit on the bench, eat some sunflower seeds and shut the fuck up.
Gibbons said it best: "He's doing something every day that's helping us win a game," Gibbons said about McDonald. "He's on a roll right now -- how can I not put him in there? If I didn't put him in there, he'd ask me how come he isn't playing, wouldn't he?"
Exactly. So why even bring this shit up? Clayton, you're a Jay, so I love you. But shut the fuck up.
On that note: JT pitches for his life and mine on Wednesday. It's over.
Like most sports savvy individuals, I’m a huge fan of Deadspin. The website/blog manages to intertwine a level of frat boy humour and raw intelligence that makes me laugh and then get angry at them for being funnier and smarter than me.
However, on Sunday, with Dustin McGowan an inning away from the no-hitter, these fuck-wits decided to publish this story, informing their readers that a no-hitter is in progress.
What the fuck?
I almost expect there to be a few useless Jays fans in the crowd who don’t know any better than to mention what’s happening on the field, but for such a highly esteemed website to break the taboo is almost unforgiveable.
I say “almost unforgiveable” because if Deadspin weren’t such a great read, I’d say I’m never visiting their site again. However, there’s not much out there that’s as good as the blog that these assholes have put together.
Therfore, I want to announce that I will continue to visit Deadspin as frequently as I have in the past, but I will visit their site under a powerless protest each time.
I’m also formally requesting disciplinary action for The Mighty MJD, the weekend editor for Deadspin. Might I suggest he be forced to listen to “Jays To The Top” repeatedly for one hour.
If Dave Stieb taught us nothing-- aside from the fact that moustaches are seriously badass-- it's that Toronto Blue Jays pitchers aren't supposed to throw no-hitters. The man had to scratch and claw his way through three painfully close near-misses before finally nailing one down.
As this video of it shows, the weight of the impending accomplishment clearly takes its toll on even a veteran workhorse at his peak, like Stieb. That Dustin McGowan, making only his 20th Major League start today, couldn't quite finish the job isn't entirely surprising-- though given the way he pitched today, maybe it actually is.
This was the McGowan that the Jays had hoped would finally emerge when this spring they secured a fourth option year for him-- to make up for his missing a year after Tommy John surgery-- allowing him one last season to be moved between AAA to the big leagues without having to clear waivers.
Of course, now it looks as though Syracuse will be a distant memory for a pitcher who, for a long time, was touted as the Jays' future "1a" pitcher, behind Halladay.
Save for his previous start, against the L.A. Dodgers, he's turned in a string of excellent performances, culminating with today's incredible display of exactly how dominating he can be. The sky is the limit.
Something Rich Griffin Probably Won't Mention I hate to sour the love-in for McGowan by bringing up something a bit contentious, but the Jays' oft-criticized front office really needs to be praised for hanging onto this kid when times were tough and he seemed lacking in confidence, unable to locate his pitches. Trade speculation constantly surrounded McGowan for years, and only quieted with his most recent entry into the Jays' rotation.
Teams coveted his arm because of his great velocity and the dazzling movement on his pitches. There were rumblings at times that the Jays had designated him as "untouchable" in trades, and other times they were said to have been shopping him around-- but always asking for just a little bit more in return than other teams were willing to give.
It seems as though their patience and their high regard for his talent is finally paying dividends. It feels funny to say it, considering the failedexperiments in the Jays' rotation this season, but coupled with the long run of strong starting performances being turned in by Shaun Marcum, McGowan's emergence is making the Jays' rotation look stronger than it has been for years.
They Don't Make 'em Like They Used To Back to the Stieb video, another thing that it shows is Alex Cole's glasses. It was pretty easy for me to compare Stieb's accomplishment with McGowan's performance today, but sadly, there aren't any current players wearing glasses that can compare in the slightest to Cole's gems. Jason Phillips' googles are nice and all, but they don't even enter the conversation. I didn't realize it, but shit, Cole's little beauties are right up there with Chris Sabo and Kurt Rambis.
Also, I know that there are obviously a lot of Jays fans who had made the trip down there (and I mean a lot of Jays fans. Obviously the Jays were much more popular then, and Indians tickets at Municipal Stadium might have been just a hair easier to obtain), but how about the visiting crowd reaction to Stieb's no-hitter?
You might think that going to a ton of ballgames might soften the edges on the ballpark experience, and in a way make each game a little less meaningful. Maybe that's true when you're on the wrong end of a steaming three-and-a-half hour dump, but days like today are undeniably special.
There are only a handful of games every year that go down as truly memorable, and even though it's been less than 12 hours since leaving the park, there's no question that this is one of them. When the atmosphere is like that, it makes you remember why you always wanted to be one of those people who goes to the ballpark every day.
Of course, for every special game, there is always a special little fucktard waiting to piss all over everybody else's good time.
Parkes has already mentioned one of these botched abortions, but there was another shit stain sitting behind us. This moron decided to take it personally that the rest of the ballpark was cheering for Frank Thomas after the slugger's awakening bat had finally brought him to within one F-Bomb of the 500 milestone.
Now, anybody who knows me knows that I'm not a violent person-- mostly due to a lack of ability to inflict violence on anyone-- but if you're reading this, cynical fuckface, please know that you're goddamn lucky I thought better of turning around and punching the living fuck out of you when you told people to sit down who had stood up to cheer for Thomas as he came to bat for the first time after jacking the 499th long hard ding-dong of his career.
Sit down??? For starters, you lazy cunt, you're at a baseball game. Standing up when the crowd in front of you stands is part of the bargain. Besides, Thomas was only about to take his first attempt at being only the 21st player to hit 500 career home runs in the goddamn one-hundred-thirty-fucking-five year history of the game. Trust me dipshit, you got off easy.
Then, after I not-so-subtly called you a retard, I heard you attempting to explain yourself to whatever self-esteemless peckers you managed to drag with you-- presumably so that you could have an audience for the brown stuff coming out of your mouth.
You just don't understand the attention that Frank gets. You hate people act like he's "God's gift to baseball". You think it's empty cheering because the majority of Frank's home runs were hit for the Chicago White Sox.
Listen you ignorant fuck, I don't know what planet you fucking live on, but the fact that you think he gets too much attention or used to play elsewhere has nothing to do with it. He's part of this team now-- the one that the shirt you don't deserve to wear and your overcompensatingly-loud cheering for Aaron Hill's following at bat suggest you support. This is a major accomplishment for one of the Jays, regardless of how he got here, and the home run he hits as number 500 will be a home run for the Jays, so I really don't understand what your fucking problem is.
And not only are you a total retard for not wanting to cheer Thomas, I also heard you actually fucking wonder aloud whether Gibbons would pull McGowan prematurely during his no-hit bid-- because he did it to Marcum that one time.
Holy fucking fuck, I nearly had to slap you again!
For one thing, shit nuts, if you take a look at the bullpen and nobody is warming up, chances are the pitcher is staying in. That's just basic common fucking sense. As for Marcum being pulled that time-- if you had read anything about it or were the slightest bit inquisitive, rather than simply a fucking windbag, you'd know that Marcum hadn't thrown so many pitches in a long time and was on a self-imposed pitch count. He said himself that his arm had tired.
I mean, holy shit asshole. Believe me, I'm all for being a cynical, pessimistic, bitter, angry fuck (um... obviously), but at least know what the fuck you're talking about.
The Gay Pride Parade in Toronto this weekend brought out all sorts to the Colorado series. This one was special because he maintained that he was a heterosexual while dancing up a storm to everything that played over the stadium soundsystem and remarking that disco isn't dead with a lisp.
Overcompensating.
As much as I enjoy the adoration of DJF fans, let's keep the focus on the players while we're at the game. Thanks, though. I appreciate the thought.
This usher had the audacity to sing along with his iPod while I drunkenly exited the game and then not expect me to take his picture and post it. I was polite enough to ask him if I could take his photo, but when he said "no," I grabbed one anyway.
These two fellas snuck down into the seats in front of us, but whereas DJF sneak into seats with a panache that doesn't get us caught, these newbies were immediately called out by the usher. He actually said it was cool if they sat there, but they had to maintain a low profile. A third of an inning later, they were screaming at Garret Atkins for being a bum and garnered the unwanted attention of the Grand Wizard of The Usher Klan, who left to get the cops to kick them out.
After he left, the low ranking usher who let them stay in the seats actually said, verbatim (read: as best as I can remember), "What the fuck? I told you to maintain a low profile. It's only by my own benevolence that you're down here . . . only by my benevolence and you screwed it up."
Speaking of security at Rogers Centre, this mental patient had his high-powered rifle and scope confiscated before he even got to his seats (which he kept referring to as his blind).
Basically, the best thing you can do when your likeness gets put up on Jays Vision is have a stroke in front of 30,000 plus people.
As you know, we at DJF are big fans of being a man at the ballgame. The number one rule of being a man at the ballgame is always giving away baseballs you happen to catch to a nearby kid (even if he's obviously an overpriveleged little brat who's going to grow up to be a real peckerhead).
I'm immensely proud to say that my brother, Joshua, got his hands on a baseball and immediately tossed it over to this future peckerhead. Good job, Josh.
Not only will this weekend go down in DJF history for the Jays getting back to .500, the Frank Thomas resurgence, the John McDonald heroics and the Dustin McGowan near-no-hitter, but it will also go down as the weekend that I fell back in love with Jill (pictured), the Jays’ in-game host for weekend ballgames.
As I made my way to “my seats” for Saturday’s game, I found myself sitting beside Miss Made From The Universe’s Best Ingredients. After mentioning what a huge fan I was of her body (of work), we joked for a few minutes about the ridiculous people who will do anything to get on Jays Vision.
Then, she laughed.
She laughed because of me. And it sounded like a warm and sexy animal.
Causing her pleasure totally slayed me.
Anyway, after doing her little intro segment with the Douche of All Douches (her co-host), she left and flashed me a goodbye smile that made me feel like I wanted to show her what the inside of a poem looks like.
When I relayed the story to Stoeten, who got to the game a couple innings late, he asked me why we didn’t just use one of our past wingman ruses (pictured in pie chart form with relative success rates).
I replied to him that this time was special. My plan is to work in phases over time. Good things should never be rushed into and that’s why I’ve developed the following plan to get into her.
Phase 1: Get myself recognized by her. Phase 2: “Bump into her” again. Phase 3: Flirtatious banter. Phase 4: The ask out. Phase 5: The date. Phase 6: The kitty punch. Purrlo!
Okay, so imagine you’re at a bar and you’re on the prowl.
You've set up a goal for yourself tonight to get it done with the ladies and collect a phone number or two . . . maybe even go home with a special someone.
You start off fairly well. You talk up a 7 with a nice smile early in the night and she’s like totally into you and so you get her number and go your separate ways.
Then, you see an 8 and you start chatting her up. Wouldn’t you know it, you both love Fujiya and Miyagi, so she’s like totally catching your vibe too.
Later, as your confidence continues to grow, you talk up a 9 who surrenders her number as though you were invading Poland. You’re really “on” tonight.
Even later in the evening, like close to closing time, you find yourself flirting with a 10, I mean a perfect looking chassis with the engine to match. Let’s call her “The Catch.”
You’re sitting at a table. It's just you and The Catch, your legs are touching, you’re both laughing and then . . . The Catch asks you back to her house.
Obviously, you’re in. I mean this is by far the greatest moment of your picking-up-drunk-chicks-in-bars career.
As you exit the bar, arm in arm, one of your asshole friends that you came with stumbles into your exit path and through beer-soaked words informs you and The Catch of his envy.
“Fuck guy, I can’t believe you’re gonna get to slip it into her. She’s like way out of your league. Damn-fuck, she’s hot, dude. Way to fucking score! I mean, you’ve really been on tonight with those other girls too. How many numbers did you score anyway?”
All hopes of a night of ecstasy are completely lost.
Suddenly, The Catch is looking like any wetness in her ‘giner dried up faster than a ravine during a drought. She turns and just leaves into the night.
You still had one hell of an evening scoring three new telephone numbers, but the best one got away and that taints your experience worse than a spot of blood on a wedding gown.
Almost getting laid by a 10 is only matched on the disappointment scale by almost throwing a no-hitter.
That's exactly what happened at today’s ball game as Dustin McGowan went into the ninth inning with a no-hitter, only to lose it when Kevin Baker lined a hit up the middle in the final frame.
Just like the drunken friend getting in the way of your conquest, the reason McGowan missed out on the no-hit bid was because of the fucking asshole fan pictured here.
This coat-hanger baby wouldn’t shut up about witnessing a “no-no” and when Stoeten and I told him to stop jinxing it, he turned around and smiled like we were kidding. When we threatened to break both of his legs if he mentioned it again, he told us to grow up.
Unreal!
He also pissed me off by having a better Blackberry than me and using it to tell all of his friends that weren't at the stadium what was happening.
Despite the douchebag, McGowan still got the complete game, one-hit shutout, striking out seven batters along the way. The Jays won 5-0, giving them the series sweep and a .500 record for the first time since May 1.
However, with perfection so close everyone walked away from the ballpark with a little bit of disappointment.
The Jays got their five runs when Vernon Wells and Frank Thomas both homered to deep left and Aaron Hill had a double in the bottom of the sixth to bring home Matt Stairs.
Thomas’ home run was career number 499, as he continues to look more and more remedied from his early season shittiness.
John McDonald (seen above getting soaked by a dugout prankster with a high-powered water gun), I am so proud of you and everyday you find new ways to amaze me. Thanks to your efforts, the Jays overcame the Colorado Rockies 9 to 8 over ten innings.
I don’t really know how to accurately describe the relief and elation I felt last night when John McDonald’s at bat in the bottom of the tenth brought home the winning runs in a game I had already given up on.
It only made it all the more amazing that we were sitting about four rows from the field after the no-hoping boo birds left in the top of the inning when Jeremy Accardo, proving once again that he shouldn’t pitch multiple innings, gave up a two-run home run.
Anyway, down by two, with the bases loaded and one out, McDonald, who had struggled throughout the match at the plate comes up, much to my surprise. I was certain that Gibbons was going to give Clayton or Howie a chance to do what McDonald hadn’t been able to all game.
For the first time all season, I didn’t even expect the Prime Minister of Defence to get a hit. In fact I would’ve been content with him not hitting into a double play.
However, with the outfield playing deep and willing to give up one run, McDonald swung with all his might and hit a little chilli dipper to centre field, scoring two runs and causing an error which brought in the third and final, go ahead run of the inning.
Wearing my John McDonald jersey and jumping up and down, I had a level of pride in a baseball player that will likely go unmatched for any of my future children.
Fucking outstanding. I don’t think my favourite player has ever, in my entire career as a sports fan, ever stepped up and delivered one quite like that.
But enough about what I have to say about McDonald. What did he have to say about us, the fans who stuck around to see his extra innings heroics?
"We're excited to come back to the ballpark now," McDonald said. "You can already feel the excitement in here."
The Good
John McDonald!
The top three hitters in the line-up, V-Dub, Zauner and Rios, went a combined 7 for 13, with two ding dongs and five runs.
The Bad
I’m sorry Justin, but Josh Towers has finally lost his place in my heart. He is simply far too incompetent to be pitching in the Major Leagues. I can’t justify giving him another start and I expect to see him designated for assignment soon.
I’ve been known to make a few poor decisions in a drunken state, but none moreso than after the game last night at around 3:30 a.m. Getting out of a taxi at the corner of Danforth and Jones, I walked by a Coffee Time.
Now, I’m sure most of you in Toronto know enough about the city to warrant no further explanation of what a Coffee Time is than to say Coffee Time, but for the benefit of our other readers I’ll try to explain.
Imagine your city’s dirtiest coffee shop. Now, imagine the following people sitting inside: two escaped convicts with prison tattoos that say Canadian Crips, two runaways, one pedophile, three alcoholic used car salesman, two skinny punk kids, one fuckface who just beat his wife and needed to blow off some more steam and decided to stop by for a double double (two creams, two sugars) and three cigarette stained lion cats with more than one missing tooth. Now, imagine that they’re all high on crystal meth.
That’s pretty much the flagship Coffee Time store.
Oh, and did I mention they’re all open 24 hours?
Anyway, while walking by this particular Coffee Time, I spotted $1 day olds on the counter. So, of course, I did a 180 and purchased a bag of stale cinnamon buns and crusty crullers. Then, in a drunken stupour, I ate the entire bag.
The entire fucking bag of donuts that I normally wouldn’t even consider swallowing was now sitting in my stomach. That was like four donuts and a dozen poor-man Timbits.
Word has come down (from the Fan's Mike Wilner) that Vernon Wells will be playing the role of leadoff hitter tonight. I felt that I should make a post about that, but I really don't have anything else to say about it.
So... since it appears that Parkes had "work" to do, and was too lazy to provide his usual Friday link dump, I'll pick up the slack. . .
Deadspin wonders which athlete will be the next gay blog obsession. Happy Pride!
Good Guy At Sports gives us some highlights from an ESPN chat with ex-Jays front office employee (and Craig Biggio hater-- or, if you will, realist) Keith Law.
I realize it has nothing to do with baseball, but thank fuck the Washington Capitals have come to their senses.
This also has nothing to do with baseball, and will interest nobody but me, but fuck the Nashville/Hamilton Predators for fucking my hockey pool team and trading Tomas Vokoun to the fucking Florida Panthers.
Alright jerkface, let's do this shit tonight. Sure the Rockies swept us last year and they're doing well, but shit, you've got an average of 2.5 runs backing you up. So that means you have to hold them to 2.49999 runs tonight. You can do that. Well, not really. But just try, OK?
Remember, no meatballs on an 0-2 count. No freaking out when there's a runner on base. And don't be a dick. Otherwise Thomas is going to fucking beat the living shit out of you.
I'm getting sick of these pep talks. For fuck's sake, DO IT.
Not only did the Jays lose in ugly fashion, killing all hope of a miracle Casey Janssen all-star bid, but Canada's national soccer team (that's football, fuckwits) was defeated in the Gold Cup by America Über Alles after getting thumbed in the ass by a Mexican referee.
Not that I really give a shit about Canada's soccer team, but come on... that was brutal.
The Janssen thing I can deal with. I mean, it sucks, but I can deal with it.
Casey has been nothing short of outstanding this season, and has thrived in the 8th inning role. These things sometimes just happen.
No, seriously. All you shit stains who booed Janssen: these things fucking happen.
I've never seen another goddamn team get booed by its own fans so easily. To rag on a player for one bad outing after he's had a more successful, breakout year than anyone could have expected?
Try groaning, you fucking morons. It expresses dismay just as nicely, yet reinforces your solidarity with the team instead of making us all look like little fucking fairweather babies.
What's even more fucked is that half these people are the same ones who took five-and-a-halfyears of mistake after brutally obvious defensive mistake before they started figuring out that Bryan McCabe is a useless twat.
(Hey, looks like the Leafs just made a half decent looking trade, sort of, maybe... well... as long as you can get past how they overlooked their overwhelming need to rebuild that fucking pathetic turd mountain of mediocrity from the ground up.)
Contrary to popular belief, most athletes are not fucking automatons. Steve Nash misses free throws, Martin Brodeur lets in goals, Brett Favre throws (a fuckload of) interceptions. . .
What the fuck do you fucking people expect?
Pitchers have days where they just can't locate their stuff. For fuck sakes it happened to Roy Halladay a couple of weeks ago-- and even he wasn't spared a mountain of boos bigger than the mountain of relish that was on my fucking burger today at lunch!
(Note to Harvey's: Please teach your fucking employees the physics of what happens to the toppings on a burger when you put the goddamn bun on).
And don't even get me started on how the moronic Jays crowd has treated the returns of class acts who were lowballed out of town by the front office, like Frank Catalanotto and Carlos Delgado.
This needs to end here, Toronto.
Stop fucking with the heads of your pitchers. Stop acting like you think they're not trying. Stop putting too much goddamn relish on my goddamn hamburgers. And stop making us all look like a bunch of fucking amateurs-- because some of us actually have a fucking clue.
I find it appaling that the media hasn't been demanding answers to the hard questions that the ticket-buying public deserves redgarding the Wells/Glaus situation.
Face it: Glaus (pictured) is the wrong man to have been sent to a parallel universe and replaced with his bearded counterpart.
I know what you're thinking: but Glaus actually spoke to reporters last week! He hasn't been missing games! He actually took a walk last night!-- setting-up Frank Thomas's death blow; the massive grand slam F-Bomb after Frankie worked his way out of an 0-2 count, looking like a sure-fire Hall-of-Famer in the process.
According to Baseball-Reference.com, the most similar batters to Glaus through age 29 (which, amazingly, was Troy's age when last season began) are Mike Schmidt and Reggie Jackson, so obviously there is merit to prolonguing his career by replacing him with his healthy, media-friendly, goateed doppelganger. But normal Glaus is only signed here for a couple more years anyway. After that, he's somebody else's problem.
Wells, on the other hand...
Normal Vernon's struggles this season have been well-documented, so it would hardly take much for his mirror image to generate more production.
Plus, I think this artist's rendition clearly demonstrates that a beard on VW looks pretty darn spiffy.
Obviously inspired by Jordan "Dutch Clutch" de Jong's relief appearance in last night's blowout (and who wasn't?), this afternoon the Dutch U-21 football team (that's soccer, fuckwits) actually won a game in an epic 32-kick penalty shootout, advancing to the UEFA European Under-21 Championship game.
Boner!
Sadly, the victory is mildly tempered (not really) by the fact that it came against the one nation that, even though it hardly has the horrific penalty record of the Dutch, is often considered (by impotent track suit-wearing thick-skulled would-be Australians) to be in the same league: England.
Alright, well that doesn't temper it at all, actually!!! Fuck England!!!
Hup!!!!
What? I mentioned de Jong... How do you fucking mean this wasn't about baseball?
The Jays’ minor league pitchers continue to take more short flights between Canada and the U.S. than terrorist sleeper cells.
This time, after allowing one run on two hits over four innings in his Major League debut last night, Lee “The Dirty Polak” Gronkiewcz was sent back to Triple A in favour of Brian “Hungry Like The” Wolfe “Gang Amadeus Mozart” (pictured, no that's not Brian Tallet).
Wolfe comes back to the Jays after being sent down to the Minors only a couple weeks ago.
If you want my opinion (and you probably do if you're reading this), I think the Jays are only leading him on. You know, they’re nice guys so they don’t want to break his heart, but they have to realize that going back to him every now and again isn’t doing him any favours. They should grow a set of balls and break up with him so that he can move on and find someone who really appreciates him for the wonderful pitcher he is.
Have you ever stopped to think that it's kind of weird that I constantly shit on Rich Griffin for constantly shitting on JP Ricciardi? I mean, doesn't the logic of that seem just a little bit incongruous?
Well, that's because it's maybe slightly-- slightly-- a put-on. I say this, of course, mostly to avoid the inevitable libel suit. But sometimes I wonder if I go a little too far with poor old Rich, who's only real crime is having to think of something to say about this flaccid cock of a season that hasn't already been said-- with more brilliantly inventive swearing-- by chattering, witty, devilishly handsome, um... tall bloggers.
So, in the spirit of fairness, I suppose I will take a second here and point out that Griffin's piece on Russell Martin today is not a piece of shit. It's not the work of a shit stain who's conception would have been better off ending with a humiliating blow job.
It's tame, yet readable, and reasonably inoffensive. And, surprisingly, it contains no references to the number of times Ricciardi passed over Martin when he was draft-eligible-- which is at least 16 times.
The move cleared the way for Toronto to call up right-handed pitcher Ty Taubenheim from Syracuse, where he had amassed a 3-5 record with a sizzling 5.63 ERA.
This basically comes as a “fuck you very much” to ginger pitcher John Thomson who has been on a rehab assignment longer than . . . wait for it . . . Lindsay Lohan, Gary Busey and Robert Downey Jr. combined (ZINGER!). The time is coming soon when the Jays will have to shit on Thomson’s chest or get off of him altogether and calling Taubenheim up ahead of him is a good sign that the Jays are going to release the inconsistent ginger.
The Jays are clearly looking to avoid the $1-million bonus they’ll have to pay Thomson if he’s named to the roster.
Happy trails.
Taubenheim is scheduled to make his first start on Saturday against the Rockies and if his musical taste hasn’t changed since last year, he’ll be coming out to Black Shuck by The Darkness.
Oh man, remember how cool 2003 was?
UPDATE
John Thomson was indeed given his unconditional release today. Somewhere, Paul Lo Duca is chuckling to himself.
As our longtime readers are aware, we at DJF believe that the action on the field is only half of what makes going to a baseball game the greatest thing you can do. The other half is comprised of all the wonders you find while patrolling the bleachers and sneaking down into seats that you didn’t pay for.
Unfortunately, most of the online press for ballgames doesn’t include photographs of assholes trying to start the wave, people putting phallic-shaped balloons in their mouth or passed out Italian guys with Brad Penny hair.
In order to bring our readers the best coverage, it was decided that DJF needed to invest in a camera to take photos at home games.
Without further ado, I give you the results of the inaugural DJF
The Litsch is Back!
Awesome Paraphrased Wilnerism of the Weekend: Wliner: "Turn down your radio." Caller: "Turn down the radio?" Wilner: "Yeah. Like the screener told you to."
Josh Towers won back to back starts for the first time in almost two years as the Jays opened their series against Oakland with 
When I relayed the story to Stoeten, who got to the game a couple innings late, he asked me why we didn’t just use one of our past wingman ruses (pictured in pie chart form with relative success rates).
