The Patron Baseball Saint Of Thanksgiving

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving!

In Canada, Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on your fantasy baseball teams from the previous season and pray that you'll never pick Jimmy Gobble from the free agent pool again.

For the last three seasons, my AL baseball team's relief corps has been decimated by injury and every year I inevitably end up picking up former prospect, current shit-baller, Jimmy Gobble.

When Gobble first came into the league in late summer of 2003, I picked him up thinking I'd gotten myself a prospect to put on my keeper list for the following seasons. Instead, Gobble's career plus five ERA has led me to drop him and pick him up again more often than a bad drug habit.

So, once again, happy Thanksgiving, everyone, and may Jimmy Gobble bless your soul.

2008 Home Schedule

I didn't realize just how pathetic I was until a minute ago when I discovered that the Jays tentative home schedule was released today and my heart started beating faster than if Joanna Krupa had spoken to me.

After last year's plethora of complaints about the lack of a weekend series at home against the Yankees or Red Sox, the Jays open their home schedule this year on Friday night against Boston.

I'm sure all of our friends on the Jays usher staff are looking forward to that one. Home openers are notoriously drunken and Red Sox fans are the greatest catalyst for a drunken brawl.

The Jays have two more weekend series against the Red Sox and one against the Yankees.

To ensure that we have meaningful games to attend in September, our last six of the season are two three game sets against our wealthier AL East rivals.

In what must be a scheduling error, no game has been set for July 20th, my birthday.

Off-Season News, Notes and Thoughts Part II

Life has been busy this week and I haven't been able to catch nearly as much of the playoffs as I would have liked. However, I did manage to catch a little bit last night, but basically had to turn my radio off just to keep myself from breaking it.

I honestly like Buck Martinez (and whatever Shulmany-voiced fuck he was calling the game with), and I can completely understand why they wouldn't want to shit down MLB's throats about this, but I probably could have strangled them both with my bare hands after what they were saying about the draft and about parity.

They discussed how it “defeats the purpose of the draft” that teams like the Yankees can go outside of MLB's slotting recommendations, overpaying to pick players that other teams passed on because of signability issues. For example, the guys drafted before the Yankees took Ian Kennedy got signing bonuses of $1.55m, $1.525m and $1.5m. Kennedy got $2.5m. This is not because the Yankees are either really generous, or pushovers during contract negociations.

What I had a problem with was, while it was nice that they acknowledged the fact that the system is flawed, they not only failed to convey how astoundingly fucked up it is, but they segued directly into some horseshit about parity. Of all things! According to Buck, because the Yankees are the only team returning to the playoffs this year, hey! We've got great parity in baseball!

Yeah??? Well tell that to a Pirates fan or a Royals fan, or the Devil Rays, Orioles, Nationals, Marlins and Blue Jays, you stupid fucks!

Or maybe wait a fucking sentence or two before getting boners for this great, mythical parity after you’ve just explained how the system is inherently unfair.

Truth be told, I was mostly pissed off because these two announcers actually seem to understand the score, unlike hacks like Dick Griffin who will shit on a GM by comparing his team’s draft record with the Yankees and the Red Sox as though all things are equal. . . Well, actually, Griffin probably understands this too, and simply chooses to be a fucking douche. But there are also morons who whine about things like the Jays selecting Russ Adams with Scott Kazmir still on the board, which is ridiculous, because he was a Boras client, and we all know what that means.

What horseshit!

Obligatory Mention
I think this is pretty meaningless, but for all the conspiracy theorists and highschool kids out there who haven't heard, AJ Burnett is selling the lake-front condo he bought from Vince Carter.

I guess that means he's going to opt out of his contract after this season. I know that when I plan to leave a city I always sell my house a year in advance. It's all about tying up loose ends, y'know?

I Realize This Has Nothing to do With Baseball, But...
A few truisms:
South Park is genius.
Rowdy Roddy Piper movies are amazingly awesome.
South Park parodying a fight in a Rowdy Roddy Piper movie punch-for-punch is amazingly genius.
South Park making said fight between Jimmy and Timmy is geniusly amazing.
Some genius splicing the two fights together on YouTube in-fucking-credibly fucking awesome.



From a Bike Ride...
I can't imagine this bike riding segment lasting through the winter, both because the weather is eventually going to change (one would assume), and it's actually not very often that interesting things happen while I'm riding. Or maybe it's just that I don't notice them because I'm usually drunk or wearing headphones, or doing something similarly reckless.

Anyway, last night while I was waiting to cross College Street I saw some big greasy douche bag and his skanky girlfriend waiting to cross on the other side. When there was finally a break in traffic he started across, stepping right in the path of a couple of girls on bikes heading east on College. They shouted at him to watch where he was going, to which Australopithecus responded: "Well... don't ride on the road!"

Well done, douche. You really told them.

Speaking of bike rides, I now have it on good authority (read: a higher source than the Chairman) that Kevin Elster's brother does indeed work for the Jays. It must be hell.

Notes From a Fan590 Addiction
I completely missed an amazing Wilner moment with a scholar who, after getting one argument thrown back in his face, offered up the remarkable insight that the team that wins the last few games of the season-- including the playoffs-- usually wins the World Series. Hard to disagree with.

There's been a lot of baseball on the Fan in the last couple of days, which is pretty much fantastic, but I'm kind of torn—and not just about Martinez and whoever. The station has decided not to join the ESPN radio broadcasts until 7pm, when Primtime Sports is over. That means no afternoon games and we miss the first hour of any that start at 6-- which would suck a whole lot more if Primetime wasn’t really fucking good. They probably have found the best balance that they can, but if only like baseball and not the Bobcat, I'd probably be pissed.

The Fan's updates this morning have been mentioning that LeBron James was at the Yankees/Indians game last night wearing a Yankees hat. Ohhhhh snap! If I were a fan of the Tribe my immediate reaction would be just a little bit irate, but the more I think about it, what the fuck are they going to do? Run him out of town?

He's LeBron James. He owns you, Cleveland. Just think of it this way: Maybe he just didn't want to wear a racist hat.

Finally...
Speaking of this morning, even though I’m loathe to mention the Leafs, I couldn't help but notice this little gem of a quote from Vesa Toskala in the Star regarding last night's game: "I think we have to play a little bit smarter. I think the effort was there, we just have to be a little bit smarter."

Oh poor Vesa... you don't have a clue what you've got yourself into, do you...

How The World Still Dearly Loves A List

Aside from a YouTube clip, nothing screams "mailing it in" quite like a list.

However, over the last week, as I've tried to come to grips with the fact that something I've dedicated so much of my time to has ended with all the efficiency of a headache stopping, I've come to the conclusion that lists are the most efficient way for me to relate what this season meant to me.

It was such an up and down affair that the only thing comparable in my mind are the dozens of relationships that Stoeten's mom has formed with different men in her neighbourhood. At one minute you're in the throes of ecstasy as John McDonald gets a walk-off base hit to beat the Colorado Rockies, the next you're bemoaning situational hitting as Vernon Wells pops up to second base. As a Jays fan there were moments to be proud and moments to be ashamed.

Because it's always important to go out on a high note, let's begin with the top ten lowlights from the Blue Jays season:

10. Shitty Media Coverage

I don't mean to be a shit in the Toronto media's cut, but . . . well, actually yes I do. As much as I enjoy the work of Wilner, Blair and even the guy from CP on occasion, I'm beginning to think that Toronto's major media coverage of the Jays is every bit as whiskey-soaked as Stoeten described during Spring Training.

When not claiming that Matt Stairs played catcher for an inning (I'm looking at you Stellick) or calling for Gibbons head because Frank Thomas isn't bunting, the Toronto media are spouting off uninformed opinions with the frequency of a Jays Talk caller.

I know he's a dead horse that's been beaten to death by every Toronto fan with a computer (save the dozen rotating sicophants who write into his mailbag each week - six of which are his own aliases), but Richard Griffin's exceptionally ill-educated opinions, terrible analogies and complete lack of interest in facts warrants a special mention for incompetence. Mr. Griffin, I'm sure you're a fine fellow, but your shtick is growing tired and your writing is especially awful and nonsensical. I recommend covering the Leafs.

9. Visiting Tigers Fans

Last season I had nothing but kind words to say about fans coming from Detroit to Toronto for a ballgame. Our Southern neighbours cheered for their team, but did so respectfully and were always quick to talk about baseball in a way that most Jays fans aren't. They were basically the exact opposite of Red Sox fans.

I don't know if it was the rising Canadian dollar or their loss in the World Series, but Tigers fans were complete assholes this year. I mean one time this season they were heckling Marty Pevey on a Thursday night for Jesus "Butterfield" Christ's sake.

On one occasion Stoeten got into it with a Ginger fuck face from Detroit only for his girlfriend to step in and defend him. Say what you will about Red Sox fans, but at least they're not pussy enough to get their girlfriends to defend them. Pathetic.

8. Ryan Greer

Ryan Greer is the in-game host for Friday night and weekend afternoon games. Enough said.

Actually, not enough said. Toronto Living sucks and your career is a joke. Your name is synonymous with having a hair style that you're too old for and a sense of humour high people don't find funny.

7. The Losing Streak

The saying goes that you can't win your division before the All-Star break, but you certainly can lose it. As such, we all should've realized that this season wasn't meant to be on Thursday, May 10th when the Jays lost their ninth in a row.

Making matters even worse was that our stopper, Roy Halladay, was on the mound. The only good thing to come out of the whole ordeal was this photo which visually summed up EVERYTHING.

If I wasn't such a glutton for punishment and attracted to the types that like to play with your heart like it's a dog toy for her pet whippet, I would've walked in early May. I would've said enough of this nonsense, let's go Indians.

Instead, I spent the next five months hoping against hope for the miraculous. Even before a September series against the Red Sox, in a moment of delusion, I noted that a Jays victory would put them only four games back of the division lead. God, I'm stupid.

6. Steve Trachsel

There were some painful games this season: the Zambrano collapse against the Red Sox, the 10-1 loss at the hands of the Dodgers' grease ball. However, nothing was worse than watching Steve Trachsel pitch.

All this talk about ridding baseball of performance enhancing drugs and no one has thought about eliminating the biggest buzz killer in baseball, Steve Trachsel. The human pause button takes somewhere between three and four lifetimes between pitches and refuses to throw a fastball over the plate. Watching him play is like watching a stripper in a fat suit dance for hours without taking off a single layer.

5. Vernon Wells And His Rally Killing Pop Ups

The Jays hitting was so unexplainably bad at times this season that for a brief moment I actually wondered if they weren't just unlucky enough to constantly face lifetime performances from the opposing pitchers.

While the rest of the Jays found new and interesting ways to kill rallies all year, Vernon Wells was faithful to one technique. The sky high pop up, just past second base, became Wells' calling card this year and by the end of the season was just as predictable as getting a warm beer from the Rogers Centre beer vendor who looks like Harry Potter in a highway collision with puberty.

4. Bullpens Are For Resting

While I can manage the fuck out of a fantasy league team or an MLB: The Show virtual team, I'm fairly certain that a squad at my reins would have all the team chemistry of a Dave Matthews and Chad Kroeger Super (Shitty) Band.

Nevertheless, I have to ask why pitchers were sent to the bullpen this year and kept there never to appear again. I'm talking about Josh Towers, Jamie Vermilyea, Jason Frasor and even Brian Wolfe for a time. If they can't be trusted to pitch mop up duty, they really shouldn't be on a Major League roster at all. At one point this season before September callups there were eight pitchers in the bullpen and only three being used regularly.

Seriously, what gives?

During that time, no one could claim that the Jays couldn't use some speed coming off the bench for pinch running late in games.

3. The Wave

As usual, Stoeten said it best earlier this year in his post titled, "The Wave Can Go Fuck Itself." I don't know what the average fan considers an accomplishment, but managing to start a wave at a baseball game is somewhere between taking out the trash in the morning and being able to spit on command.

Despite how obvious this should be, idiots actually take pride in getting this going at a ballgame and, worst of all, they do it at the most ridiculous times. Seriously, there's no need to stand up in front of me or pay attention to the other side the stadium when there's a two-out rally going on in a tight ballgame.

Purveyors of the wave should not be allowed in the stadium.

2. Linkin Park

Unless I was extremely hungover or just plain lazy, I tried to say something disparaging about the musical marketing ploy named Linkin Park every Friday. While my hatred was often exaggerated in a desperate attempt to be funny, it was very real. I hate Linkin Park more than any other band in the history of music, even Heart.

I know this doesn't really have as much to do with the Jays season as some of the other things in this list, but I'm just as upset that this band continues to make "music" as I am that the Jays didn't make the playoffs. That's how much the Jays mean to me.

1. Jays Fans

Finally, Toronto sports fans are rivaled only by their compatriots in Philadephia as the worst sports fans in the history of sporting events. However, at least in Philadelphia they actually know how the game of baseball is played.

Throughout this season I was in awe of the people seated around me and the behaviour and remarks they pull out during a game.

For all the evidence you need, I highly recommend going through some of the DJF Cam posts to see photographic evidence of these not quite still births.

Fan of the year though has to go to the complete shit stain of a human who carried his two sodas while getting an usherette to help his own mother down the steps of his section. I've sort of come to expect a lack of baseball knowledge among fans at The Cable Box, but a lack of human decency is a completely different matter.

You, sir, are the opposite of everything that DJF stands for and like the wave, you can go fuck yourself.

Rays' Pitching Coach Wins MLB's Most White Trash Story of the Year Award on the Last Day of the Season

I don't know how many of you out there are actually in the city of Toronto, or any major city, but if you are, you probably understand being washed over with feelings of dread and impending doom when you're on your way out of town-- especially if your destination is a shit hole. I can't count the number of times I've been on a Greyhound making its way through downtown to the Don Valley Parkway, looking at all the activity, the girls, the places to get drunk, and feeling absolutely sick about leaving it behind. And that's when I'm only going to be gone for like two days.

Well, if you're like that, we've got somebody else to join the club-- Devil Rays hitting coach Jim Hickey.

Seems that ol' Diamond Jim was so distraught at the prospect of leaving our fair city that he decided to get fucking obliterated on the Rays' charter flight home after Sunday's season finale. This happened in spite of the fact that, in the wake of Cardinals pitcher Josh Hancock's chromosome-related death, the Rays stopped providing alcohol on their flights home-- which means that at some point Hickey must have loaded up at the LCBO.

The Rays got to St. Petersburg and headed straight for the Trop to pack up some things. And then shit got crazy...

"Around 11 p.m., an undercover officer saw him run his silver pickup into the back of a green pickup at First Avenue S and 16th Street, in front of Tropicana Field.

The green pickup was driven by a Devil Rays bat boy, Matthew Felix Carlson, who had been at the stadium unpacking equipment. Both were stopped at a traffic light on 16th Street S; Carlson, 18, of Brandon, was not hurt.

Carlson pulled his '98 Chevrolet S10 pickup truck to the side of the road, police said, but Hickey took off toward Interstate 275. The officer followed him up Interstate 275 and communicated with other officers, who stopped him north of Gandy Boulevard.

Hickey pulled over at Gandy Boulevard for police Officer Steven W. Sprout but then tried to put the car in gear and drive away, according to a police arrest affidavit. Hickey refused to get out of the car, police said, and was brought out by officers. He stumbled when he got out of the car and fell to the ground.

Hickey tensed his muscles and put his hands under his chest after falling down on his face, police said. He refused to remove his hands, but police eventually managed to get his arms out and handcuff him.

Hickey had a strong odor of alcohol, his speech was slurred and he swayed and appeared disoriented, the police report said. He refused to take a Breathalyzer or a blood test, which automatically results in a one-year suspension of his license."

The Unnecessary Post About Hearing a Guy Mention Kevin Elster

I have no fucking idea what context it was in, but I shit you not, I was just riding my bike through Trinity Bellwoods and as I passed a couple on a park bench the one little snippet of conversation I heard was this:

"Being the brother of Kevin Elster is... hell."

What the fucking fuck? Even if it is true, why even bring it up? Was this asshole trying to impress his ladyfriend with both his sensitivity to sibling rivalries and his knowledge of mediocre early 90s baseball players? Because that hardly ever works. But I swear to fucking God this is what I heard.

And, I mean, of course being the brother of Kevin Elster is hell. Look at him! He's got the world by the tits right there: no frills hair cut, perfect lip for a diddler stache, knows how to wear a hat. What more could you ask for really? And how could his brother-- who I assure you is most certainly not a Topps Future Star-- measure up?

Fact is, he can't.

Of course, I don't know if it was Kevin Elster's brother there in the park, if there's another Kevin Elster, if it was actually Kevin Elster referring to himself in the third person (crossing my fingers for that one!) or if Kevin Elster even has a brother. But for fucking real, that's what I heard.

I mean, OK... I'm drunk, and I'm often thinking about baseball, and... yes, I was riding past on a bike... but I am one-hundred per cent deadly fucking serious about this.

Kevin Elster.

The Season May Be Over, But Richard Griffin's Career Isn't

Holy fuck, what a douche.

I realize that a lot of people are aware of the complete fucking uselessness of this fuck, but good Christ... today's mailbag was a train wreck.

Truth be told, at first I was completely ready to let this horse shit pass. I figured nothing could be worse than the hack job of a ninth-grade opening paragraph that Griffin wrote for his other story in this morning's paper:

"It makes sense that the best player in baseball is also its highest paid. However, despite all of his myriad regular-season accomplishments, Alex Rodriguez has never, ever been the game's best player in the post-season. His has become a love-hate relationship with Yankees fans who have 26 World Series wins, but none thanks to A-Rod."

But then the asshole came up with this: "With many teams, injuries will open the door for young players from the farm to step up and grab the major-league bull by the horns, giving them the break they needed to establish themselves as budding stars. (See: Boston's Jacoby Ellsbury; New York's Phil Hughes, Joba Chamberlain)."

How about Toronto's Dustin McGowan, Shaun Marcum, Casey Janssen and Jeremy Accardo, you fucking twat????

And for fuck sakes, what the fuck was this all about????

"Most opposing managers are playing chess, while Gibbons is playing checkers. He claims that several of his players have the "green light" to steal, yet they don't. He claims that even though opponents steal with reckless abandon against his team, there's nothing he can do. His confidence in some of his pitchers is day-to-day, relying on the same four arms in the bullpen while others languish and lose confidence in themselves."

Anybody who reads this site knows that I'm as big a fan of spurious logic as anyone, but let me get this straight: John Gibbons is a moron because players who have the green light don't steal, because the Jays aren't willing to fuck with Halladay, Burnett and McGowan's deliveries, and because Gibbons loses faith quickly in pitchers who are complete bags of shit.

And who said this? Rich Griffin!?!!? Well shit! Why didn't you say so??? He used to work for the Expos (didn't you know?), so he couldn't possibly be a pompous fucking windbag so full of his own shit that he doesn't even bother thinking through his own points anymore because he's got such a boner for his own smugness that actually saying something informative and interesting is completely fucking secondary to sitting there stroking his own fucking smug-boner with his head firmly entrenched up his own ass.

(FYI, I can totally relate)

The First Wind of the Bastard Winter Blows: Off Season News, Notes, and Thoughts Part I

Fuck... I'm a little hung here. At least, I think I am. It could just be the Taco Bell that I dominated last night on my way down to the Rhino (which, now that Parkes has validated my suspicions that it is an awesome bar, I am ready to claim is a fucking awesome bar). On their own, the five or six big bottles of Grolsh that I drank shouldn't be quite enough to make me feel this shitty, so it's probably a little from Column A, a little from Column B.

Anyhow, welcome to my first (sober) off-season post. I'm basically just winging it right now, so it's very possible that titles, formats, potential recurring segments and whatever else might change.

Schteroiodenweis
News originating from ESPN today that former Jay, Scott Schoeneweis-- or as we cleverly nicknamed him, Schoenedouche-- received shipments of steroids, from the same company Troy Glaus did, during 2003 and 2004 when he was with the White Sox.

As much as I have a lot of sympathy for those sorts of "deer in the headlights" kind of pitchers who get run out there knowing that they just can't quite cut it, this guy was a fucking bag of shit. Unlike, say, Jason Frasor or Josh Towers, I would have had a lot more sympathy for Shoeneweis if he didn't insist that he was good and should probably be starting. He fucking sucked bag, and everybody knew exactly what was going to happen when he came into games. He was basically an unlikable Brian Tallet.

OK, maybe he's actually an alright dude. Part of me always wanted to think that. But most of me thought: fuck him.

Strange Rumblings From the Atlanta Journal Constitution
Columnist Mark Bradley wrote today in the AJC that, instead of bringing back Tom Glavine (which apparently some Braves fans have been pining for-- so I guess we don't have the market cornered on sentimental tools up here just yet), the Braves should look at younger options, like... Shaun Marcum.

Ricciardi has said that he's not interested in trading any of his young pitching, but obviously that's just posturing. No GM, even one as dumb as a lot of Jays fans seem to believe Ricciardi is, would live by a blanket statement like that. It's pretty simple: if a trade is going to improve the club, you listen.

Of course, the fact that Marcum's name showed up in an Atlanta paper doesn't at all mean that he's available or even being talked about, but it wouldn't be a terrible move to "sell high" on this guy. I like him a lot, but-- to stick with the Braves angle-- if you could package him up and get Renteria, who is expendable in Atlanta with the emergence of Yunel Escobar, that opens up a lot of possibilites. Renteria could leadoff, making Johnson expendable. Lind could be given the LF job, Reed could be non-tendered and his money used to bring in a bullpen arm that allows Janssen to enter the rotation.

I'm just thinking out loud, of course. But it's really not such a terrible idea. At the very least, JP has to be aware that he's failed to "sell high" on Glaus and Johnson (and Wells?), and that he's not any better off for it.

Belated Awesomeness
I couldn't stand to let the season's last mention of our favourite phrase pass without comment... even though it happened like a week ago.

The $55 million man has been accused of making a long arm go a little way. He's been injured for lengthy stretches of his first two years as a Jay and boasts an underwhelming 69-65 career record. But now he feels that, at 30, he has turned some sort of corner in his approach to pitching.

"I'm staying within myself," a contemplative Burnett said. "I'm using all three of my pitches (fastball, curveball, change-up). You learn a lot from these kids – Marcum, McGowan – they pitch. All I've heard my whole career is, `This guy has got a God-blessed arm and all this talent.' It's time I harnessed that."

Notes From a Fan590 Addiction
I know it's not cool to reprint a private email that somebody sent to you without first asking their permission, but I think this case is cause for an exception. But before I do, let's get something straight: I don't give two shits about the NFL. It's watchable. I'll follow the playoffs. But basically it's boring as hell-- especially now that the Bills are useless as fuck. Frankly, because of my Fan590 addiction, I'm more interested in the CFL-- which is fucked, because I've never given two shits (or even one shit) about the CFL.

Despite all that, I felt the need to respond when yesterday Chuck Swirsky started his show by forcefully proclaiming that Brett Favre is the greatest living quarterback. Not the greatest playing today, the greatest alive right now. So I shot him a quick email asking when the fuck Joe Montana died.

Chuck, as you might expect, responded with a thorough dissertation explaining his point: "GREATEST LIVING QB...Favre over Joe....hands down". (OK, it's pretty cool that Chuck actually responds.)

On to other things: During last week's Friday Primetime Roundtable there was a mention of somebody with great hair. I can't remember who it was, but it happened sometime after the whole group tossed around some embarrassingly uninformed shit about the Jays' desire to win (Note to Primetime guys: You're still the best in the business, but maybe at least watch a team before opening your fat mouths about how none of the Jays show any fire or emotion or frustration on the field, because Wells and Glaus were throwing helmets and gloves in batboys faces or shouting out in frustration all year).

The hair guy's secret, we were told, was that instead of hair gel, he used hand cream.

This prompted Kirke to make a crack about how he thinks he's past the point where he needs to get himself hair gel and hand cream, to which Kelley responded: "Yeah, but you still spend a lot of time on the road."

Gold! This is why Kelley fucking rules, and why-- despite his lack of an open mind about the UFC-- I still haven't decided whether I like him or Brunt the best.

Finally, it's being reported this hour that the Leafs will inexplicably be matching the Hal Gill/Andy Wozniewski defensive pairing up against the Spezza line in their opener against Ottawa. Wow... I might have to break my vow to not watch hockey this year in the first fucking game just to watch this slaughter.

Obligatory Update

Parkes and I just got back from watching a fucking instant classic of a ballgame between the Padres and Rockies, and even though the right team won it still feels hollow-- mostly because Holliday was completely out at the plate on the winning run.

It feels somewhat less hollow, though, because we got fucking loaded at the Rhino, which is an outstanding bar with cheap booze and wood paneling. If you ask for any more in a bar than that you should probably go fuck yourself.

Anyway, I've decided to drunkenly post something here because I know it was shitty of us to leave everybody hanging today by not posting anything. I'm sorry about that, it's just... what's there to say really?

We've been preparing for the end of the season for months, basically. . . ever since I ruined the season by angering the Baseball Gods by comparing them to Chevy Chase.

People who haven't been reading might think I'm joking there, because I'm obviously not the type to believe in superstitious bullshit like my being able to ruin the season by pissing off the Baseball Gods, but for real...

I linked the word "Baseball Gods" to a picture of Chevy Chase-- because apparently I'm a retard and thought it was hilarious-- on the very day that the Jays began their nine-game losing streak at the start of May. I realized my crime and apologized to the Baseball Gods on Friday, May 11, which was the day the streak ended.

Coincidence? Fuck that. Obviously I ruined the season, and I'm not going to run from that fact.

But now isn't really the time to get into such things. More importantly (than my ruining the season), this week we're going to start rolling out some retrospective-y shit from what's been a great (read: drunk) first year for us, like highlights, lowlights, and a brief reminder of some of the biggest douche bags we saw at the park this year (if you're out there, DCrack 69, rest assured, you made the list-- you too, asshole who stands up and cheers "come on Hurt!" every Frank Thomas at bat). There will be a bunch of other stuff too, unless we get even lazier (read: drunk) than we have been lately.

Just thought I'd mention that, in case any of you thought we'd entered such a state of despair over the Jays' season that you might never see us again. Granted, Saturday night got pretty fucking fucked up, but that had nothing to do with the Jays and everything to do with... well, ... let's not get into that just now. But no, if we were that frustrated we'd be joining the chorus of morons who actually believed a team with Josh Towers, Tomo Ohka, and Victor Zambrano in their Opening Day starting five would have a shot in hell at competing, and calling for the jobs of Gibbons or Ricciardi. Fortunately for us all, we're not that naive. You're welcome.

Friday Afternoon Linkin Park

I know it's been a while since I said something disparaging about Linkin Park and that's really because my life seems to be going pretty good right now and the anger that usually resides in the fluids underneath the skin on my face has dissipated.

But hey, why not rag on that shitty band for old time's sake?

Okay.

Linkin Park records are basically purchased by the most insincere misanthropic suburban teenagers who feel no real teen angst, at least not the way that we did, but instead recognize that they should feel some sort of hatred toward authority from all of the O.C. episodes they've seen. Lacking any sort of creativity, they look for the most obvious expression of angst that they can find which has been sculpted and spoon fed to them by a record company that preys off the insecurities of our youth. Thus, Linkin Park records sell at platinum levels and I get depressed all over again.

To cheer myself up, I check out these links:

Ball Players

100% Injury Rate is a blog I often check after I've finished masturbating. The idea being that the humourous and well-written posts distract me from my post-ejaculated semi-erect penis so that I can get on with my day more expediently.

Unfortunately, they had a story on Tuesday with a lot of pictures of scantily clad rookie ball players going through hazing week. I'd be lying if I told you my penis wasn't still a little confused.

Joba Chamberlain Makes A Difference

I'm guessing that Nike is predicting a huge post-season for Joba Chamberlain, and it makes sense according to Jeff Blair. Why else would they introduce the Air Native N7 just before the baseball playoffs?

For realious!

Thanks to This Suit Is Not Black for finding this story and using just enough racism to be funny without getting offensive or mentioning firewater or Chief Wahoo.

I'm A Loser

Just in case it wasn't embarrassing enough to finish out of the playoffs in both my AL and NL head-to-head fantasy baseball leagues, I'm Writing Sports decided to pour flammable salt in my wounds and then set it on fire by writing about all of the rookies I should've picked up at the beginning of the year.

Shakin' Hands And Kissin' All The Babies

As the boring dead thing that is the Ontario Provincial Election slouches toward its October 10th finish line (is that even the right date?), the only thing that we can be thankful for is that we're not Americans and our election campaigns don't last four years.

I guess I wouldn't mind so much if Lion in Oil was covering the race. They weigh in on the Democratic nomination campaign with some sincere policy advice for front runner Hilary Clinton.

For Those Kind Of Days

When you're not constantly refreshing Drunk Jays Fans, you should probably check out I Dislike Your Favourite Team.

Two things endear me to this site:

1) Their website address is http://scuffedballs.blogspot.com/.

2) This is a direct quote from a recent post: "I am no researcher, nor do I want to be."

The Buse Stop

Last weekend, Stoeten and I proved our insane coolness and radness by spending Friday evening scouring YouTube for clips of Gary Busey.

I think I speak for both of us when I say that our lives were touched and changed by this video.

The Finale

Finally, huge and massive props go to our friend the Danimal who flipped us this link the other day. Since then, I've been kept awake at night wondering if Bob McCown is wearing socks or white shoes in that picture.

It's great to be alive. Celebrate it and remember that "now" stands for no other way!

It's the Who's to Blame Game!

Shit, it's been a while. Basically, I went through a pretty intense Drunkenness of Noah the past two months and I never thought I was going to get out of it. Shit, I couldn't even write about the last game I went to where I saw Towers warming up in the bullpen (which would normally constitute a 2,389 word post from me). But then something funny happened, the Jays started to play pretty fucking decent in September (which they always seem to do) and The Simpsons movie wasn't absolutely terrible. So with the help of newfound optimism, I started to feel better about life and a little less suicidal about the Jays and I'm back again.

That said, as the Jays lost 8-5 against the Orioles yesterday and because I had foolishly been expecting Josh Towers to start that game (as I was passing out on Wednesday night listening to Jays Talk, JP said "Josh is going to get the start tomorrow night." I fell asleep with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face. Of course, it was just a dream, he meant Josh Banks. Fuck), I feel like I can bring this little cynical post that I've been wanting to as an end-of-season-wrap-on-a-down-note to your attention. Don't get me wrong, I love the Jays and life is great, but they/it could be a little better.

With all the bitching and moaning that's been going on, we've seen fans turn into a bunch of Leafs supporters and cast the blame in all sorts of directions. "Oh wait, it's this!" "Oh wait, he sucks!" "Oh wait, now that guy's awesome, but this guy is a total piece of shit!" "It's that guy's fault I'm still a virgin!" Well, it's time to really put your dick where your mouth is and state once and for all who the fuck is to blame for this long, long, long season. I'm laying out 10 nominees for you to vote on with some very poorly researched facts (pretty much just shit I find archived on this blog and JP's appearance on Jays Talk this week) in their defense and also some points on how each may have fucked us up the ass. We all know I don't give a shit about stats, I figure you guys can work it out for yourself. And Parkes, I appreciate the always supporting our guys motto. I love this team more than love itself. But it helps to vent once in a while and I thought I'd offer something to bitch about on this Friday night that'll be fun for the whole family. Happy ragging!

1. John Gibbons

I love Gibbers to death, and it pains me to put him on this list. But I'd say the bulk of DJF readers comments accuse him of not being up to the task. Whether it's that we should be bunting and stealing more, he should be "lighting more fires under the hitters," he should be accountable for the hitting, he doesn't have heart, players don't like to play for him, etc. , it's all a crock of shit and credit goes to Stoeten for his excellent arguments that have ensured that he keeps his job. But hey, this isn't supposed to be biased so there have been some questionnable pitching changes and I don't know about Wells in the leadoff spot so there's something to think about I guess. All I'll say is that at the start of last season, when we'd hired a bunch of superstar players for the first time in a while, I did wonder if you wouldn't want to have a more experienced manager to handle these players (maybe the Lilly incident wouldn't have happened with a different manager -- whatever, Lilly's a cock). Well, now he is more experienced and he's a part of this team. So should he stay or should he go? Also, it's come to my attention when arguing for Brantley's firing that managers and coaches don't really do anything so what should it matter?

2. The Hitting

OK, this is probably the one that will take the cake so I can't let you off that easy. Here are four factors that have been pointed out as to why our hitting this year has been as disappointing as when you found out Milli Vanilli were lip syncing all along.

2 a. The Wicked Ass Hitters Who Didn't Hit Shit (Off Year or What The Fuck Are We Going to Do with This Guy Now?)

Going into the stats and stuff would just take me too much time. Clearly, Vernon Wells' .245 average sticks out. Surprisingly, as individual efforts are concerned, it's not all bad. The Big Hurt will finish with at least a decent hurt despite a very, um, unpainful start to the season, Stairs was nails at times, both Rios and Hill were proof for Wilner that you couldn't blame Brantley, Glaus may have been on roids the whole time and there was some other stuff, too. Basically, hitting just never came together, hence the 68 games or whatever that we had three runs or less which is fucking awful. In this category, you have your chance to point out if there was a single hitter or a group of hitters who really just tanked the season for us due to not being up to snuff. If you vote for this category, it is crucial that you indicate if you feel this is because the hitters you have chosen are simply having an off year or if you think they'll be a cancer on the team next season. It's only fair.

2 b. Injuries to hitters

As much as JP stressed that the injuries we've seen this season are not an excuse on Wednesday night, he also stressed this point about 17 times. Clearly, we all like to think that if this team had been 100% healthy during the season, we'd be taking a dump on the Red Sox and the Yankees right now. That's fine, I like living in fantasy worlds, too. Thing is, I don't think any team really enjoys that. Didn't the Yankees start the year with a barrage of injuries? I'm not going to bother to check so you can correct me if I'm wrong. I'd like to think if we'd at least played the season with a healthier lineup that things would be different, but how much different? If injuries were really the cause of everything that sucked this year, let it be heard and I will never cheer for injuries again.

2 c. Mickey "Goat Boy" Brantley

Well, this one's already taken care of. And as I mentioned in the comments section, now I feel like an asshole for arguing about it so vehemently. It's like whenever I get drunk and start arguing about some point that takes up the rest of the evening and nearly resulting in a full out fight. By the end of the night my friend will concede that I might have an inkling of a point and then I'll totally retract everything I said as this admission really makes it hit home that I was talking shit all along. Um, anyway, that's not necessarily the case with Brantley, something did need to be done. I took Wilner to task on it and I also had to take shit from people who were amazed by my ignorance to think that batting coaches actually do anything. I never thought that Mickey was solely responsible for the hitting on this team, but I would argue that he didn't seem to be helping it either. He seems like a good dude and we'll leave it at that. This isn't about me, it's about you. Was it Brantley who fucked us?

2 d. Why Don't You Just Bunt, Dickhead? Hitting strategy

Isn't that a cute photo of Vern bunting? Hey wait, when the fuck did that happen? A lot of Jays Talk callers have been bitching about seeing more bunts and steals from our Jays because this is simply the easiest thing to do and a guaranteed way to win every game. Instead of going for homers, just bunt everybody home! It works for every other team on the planet, so why not us? Seriously though, we have started to see a bit more of this (or does it just seem that way?) and we've even seen Johnny Mac walk twice in the last week! One thing I will say, Stoeten made an excellent argument regarding the "big inning" philosophy that has led to some games where we demolish the opponent in one inning alone, but then lose a shitload of other games. Do we need to be focusing more on small ball or some other strategy instead of trying to crank ding dongs all the time? Could the Jays bunt their way to the World Series next year?

3. Zauner's throws to second are about as steady as he was behind the wheel in the dark days

Much has been made of our inability to get dudes stealing out. It's to the point where people are convinced that it's the big joke around the MLB that players can't get enough of. And this horrifies us. Now I agree, we've seen few runners caught stealin' this season. So few that we all lost our minds and called Thigpen the next Messiah when he accomplished this task in his first (second?) game behind the plate. But let's take it easy on Zaun. Funny enough, when asked about this, JP pointed to Halladay, Burnett and McGowen for the answer. No, he wasn't evading the question with a talk on how much he likes his pitching staff. He was pointing out that the Jays' pitchers need to do a better job of keeping their eye on the base runners. In fact, only Halladay was commended for "getting better" at doing it. Still a lot of work to be done. Zaun, relax and have a cold one. It's on me. Also, JP said that the stolen bases allowed rarely resulted in anything to the team's detriment. He didn't really have any stats to back this up, so he kinda sounded like me! Take this all into account before you blame everyone's favourite post-season commentator.

4. The Pitching? Are you fucking shitting me?

As suggested, you can just skip over this one. Seriously, I didn't even bother with a separate category for injuries cause the pitching staff never used that as an excuse. We lost the Beej and Accardo became a man and will finish the season with at least 29 saves. We lost League to weight lifting and we made fun of him. Chacin wasn't around and we didn't notice. Burnett was a bit of a pussy but pitched fucking nails. Marcum and McGowen are the future and Marcum got a great nickname courtesy of Priestman. Downs worked pretty much every day and told gout to fuck off and it went away. Janssen should've been in the starting rotation so instead he destroyed the set-up man role. And Halladay made miraculous recoveries, pitched his fucking balls off every game only to have his team blow it for him and he still says he likes it here. With the exception of Frasor and maybe Tallet (or has he been OK lately? -- and he makes his own beef jerky) and some guy called Towers who I've never heard of, this pitching staff rules. I think Wilner called it among the best in the league. Or maybe I was drunk. Or maybe he was. Anyways, anyone who votes for this category or singles out a pitcher is a dick. Although I might vote for Towers cause I don't want anyone to suspect that I'm a fan of this guy.

5. Homesickness

With a 34-47 record on the road and a 47-31 record at the Rogers Centre, it could be argued that the Jays were like a bunch of fucking crybabies screaming "I want to go home" whenever they were on a plane or bus. I think their road record was far worse at one point, but still, was homesickness a factor? Hard to say, I mean, none of these guys actually choose to live in Toronto in the off season and why would they? And isn't our turf still subpar to other fields? I mean, even I hate going to the Rogers Centre. They must get free beer or something.

6. J.P. Ricciardi

Can't believe it took me so long to get to this one. But that's probably cause I got nothing intelligent to say about it. Just consider this: Whether or not there was ever a five-year plan, whether or not he lied about players' injuries to get asses in the seats, whether or not he treats the fans in this city like morons, whether or not he didn't trade players he may have at least gotten a bag of doughnuts for but who will now be worthless in the off season, whether or not he got more money to play with this year and we did worse, whether or not he does copious amounts of blow, whether or not he looks like a muppet and whether or not you would trust this man with your children: Is J.P. the reason for everything wrong in our world?

7. The fielding

True, Vernon Wells probably won't get the gold glove this year. And Royce "I'm Chillin'" Clayton was a bit of a disaster But Johnny Mac's on a two-year contract and his fielding saves runs. Think about it. This is a stupid category. Oh wait, Russ Adams might play more next year. Maybe this isn't such a stupid category.

8. We don't got no spirit

This one is kinda tricky. Or stupid. So it might take a bit.

A lot of callers would complain about the Jays not playing with heart this year. Now this is one of those things that I actually relate to but is totally ridiculous. There is no way to really factor this in statistically. But because I could give a fuck about stats, I'm still going to include it here.

For some reason this reminds me of last year when Wilner would respond to the notion of Derek Jeter getting the MVP as ludicrous. For some reason there were a lot of callers supporting Jeter because, despite not having the best stats, it was what he "brought to the game" and what he did "off the field." Now I didn't like Wilner as much back then so it kinda got on my tits when he would completely throw that shit out the window. But it's true, what does he bring to the game? Homemade cookies? And what does he do off the field? Service the players?

While Jeter probably does do these things, it's not like you can calculate how well a team plays because of this. However, I must admit that I still have a soft spot for this argument because, for some reason, I like to think that this team loves each other and loves playing here. It's like when I found out that the members of ABBA didn't really like each other, "Dancing Queen" just never felt real any more. It's like when Anthony Hopkins admitted that he just did the movie with Chris Rock "Bad Company" for money, it ceased to be my favourite film of all time. It might be naive, but I like to think at least that this team plays with passion. And sometimes it just doesn't look like they do. Do you know what I mean? As a fan of Team Holland though, we know what it's like to have an apathetic attitude towards sports and sometimes I just fear this team suffers from that. Then again, looks can be deceiving cause Halladay pretty much looks suicidal every time he walks back to the dugout regardless of the score. Do the Jays need group therapy Metallica style in the off season in order to be a winner and make a terrible album using Pro Tools called "St. Anger?"

9. The Fans

OK, we've gone through the mill with the organization, now, as Eric Clapton once pined "before you accuse me, take a look at yourself, biatch." Seriously, Parkes' tireless anthropological observations at the Rogers Centre this season have rendered Margaret Mead's work completely useless. There are some really sad fucks out there at the Rogers Centre and you make Baby Jesus cry, I swear. Funny that the Jays should play better here considering that the support they get. Next season: No Leafs jerseys, no mentioning of the Leafs, some baseball education, no booing players on the opposing team just because they are known players who haven't done anything objectionable but you think should be booed just because they're the only opposing player you know, no laughing at the El Ranchero Chili Race, no more losing your shit for a Klondike bar, no more not beating up Ryan Greer, no more Leafs signs, no more booing people who wear hockey jerseys that aren't Leafs jerseys, no more waves and no more being stupid Toronto fans. If we can abolish these things I swear we will be champions next year. But that's just impossible, isn't it?

10. None of the above

I'll admit, I probably missed out on the most obvious piece of shit who fucked up the season for us. So choose this one and tell us who or what it was. My honourable mentions for me include Brian Butterfield (or is that for next season? New bench coach? Fuck me!), and also the fucking Home Depot Cleaning Punk Kids. When you're subjected to the 500-level seats for most of the season, you think these are a bunch of adorable kids out there. As a game near the bullpen revealed, they're fucking bratty pimply teens who clearly don't give a fuck and fuck up the surface for our players.

You can make a difference!

Alright, the polls are open. Please leave your vote in the comments and we'll forward all the results to J.P. (unless he's the winner) and you can help secure the Jays winning the World Series next season. But this can only happen if you vote. Yeah, you could vote in the Ontario Election, but that's throwing your vote away. Make this one count.

If you're not still reading this you're a dick.

Goat Gate - Day Two

JP Ricciardi has long realized that he should only speak when he has something to gain. Yes, he does go through the excruciatingly dull motions of taking calls from fans, but he has a rather obvious tendency to clam up-- or "forget" the question-- the rare few times he's asked to wade into a topic that he'd clearly rather not. It projects a great image that JP goes on the radio to do that, but there's hardly any substance to it. Of course, it's that idea of projecting a great image that's important, and that underlies so much of what this organization does; which is why I'm finding the way they've handled the Brantley situation more than a little puzzling.

It seems almost pathological how they've immediately taken the "no comment" route, typically treating the fan-base with disdain, trying to make this a non-issue by sticking their heads in the sand, saying nothing to nobody. But unlike, say, the Glaus situation, this is a time where JP would be better served by opening his mouth.

Throughout the season the Jays have been careful to insist that injuries are not an excuse for their problems. The Brantley dismissal could have easily been spun as an affirmation of that insistence, but instead they sit idly as Brantley questions the decision, calls it superficial, a "raw deal", and then explicitly blames injuries for costing him his job.

For a front office with such an established hard-on for the wonders of tightly controlled PR, to let him do that without retort just doesn't make any sense. And what really gets me is the fact that there are even more ways to explain Brantley's firing.

The hitting this season was pitiful, and maddeningly inconsistent. The team has scored three runs or fewer in sixty-eight games, and injuries or no, that's fucking budget. I think you can very reasonably say that, taking injuries into consideration, the hitting this year was still awful enough to warrant a change. You don't have to agree with that, but you could get away with saying it. You could also reasonably say: "We're sending a message to our players. Injuries or no, the way we hit this year was unacceptable."

A message like that would go a whole lot farther towards "strengthening the brand" than whatever the fuck it is they're doing-- which right now isn't so much keeping themselves out of the fray until the heat dies down as it is allowing Brantley to go around calling himself a scapegoat.

They're definitely not naive enough to misunderstand the presumption of guilt that comes to anybody going the "no comment" route-- and in this case, they may very well be guilty of scapegoating-- but these guys have already heard the accusations of there being a "culture of mediocrity" and a lack of accountability within the organization. Why not point to this firing to help dispel those criticisms? Why let Brantley's accusations make the organization look like a bunch of panicky idiots trying to save their own skins when it would hardly take much to diffuse them?

I like to think that I can usually figure out what the hell is going on with Ricciardi's front office, but this I seriously don't get...

Mickey Brantley Is A Yankee

To steal a joke from our long time reader, anonymous:

While no formal announcement has been made, photographic evidence suggests that Mickey Brantley has already signed on to coach with the Yankees.

Believe it or not, this picture is actually of Ving Rhames.

Somewhere on the interweb, a black guy is posting photos of Brian Dennehy in an Astros ball cap saying that Mike Hargrove has been hired in Houston.

PS: All credit for the Brantley/Rhames comparison and picture goes to "anonymous" who noted it in our comments section here.

Happy Trails

As we wait for the finale on Sunday afternoon, last night's 8-5 Blue Jays victory over the Baltimore Orioles offered up a selection of final appetizers to get us primed for the big day.

Doc On Holiday

Roy Halladay's seven innings marked the end of an up and down season for our beloved Blue Jays ace. Earlier in the year we mentioned how we at DJF often overlook the stars on the Blue Jays in favour of the overachievers. However, Halladay is one of an extremely rare breed, the overachieving star.

His outstanding consistency is taken for granted to such a large degree, that a string of sub par performances is the only evidence needed for most fans to suggest an injury.

And the thing is that the fans are probably right.

Halladay's stiff upper lip was evidenced earlier this season when, after a pair of rough outings, it was announced that Roy Halladay was having surgery to have his appendix removed. Two weeks later, the right hander was back throwing pitches and ready to start again.

Never blaming a weakened core for his string of poor performances, Halladay shrugged off the super human recovery comparisons and went on to pitch more than 225 innings despite the appendix-related visit to the Disabled List.

As Tamp Bay Devil Rays manager Joe Maddon once said, "There is a simple elegance about him."

Bird-Dog Can Fly The Coup As Far As I'm Concerned

For perhaps the first time in history, a player was removed from a mean-nothing game in the last week of the season for his defensive lapses. Russ Adams took all of the good graces he'd managed to secure back from the Blue Jays over the last two weeks and basically shit all over them and then eat the good graces and shit with a side of broken glass, then shit out the entire mess again only this time with blood.

I know this is reactionary and he probably still has a good chance to win a utility role with the team out of Spring Training, but can we please call an end to the Russ Adams Experiment? He is the Josh Towers of nominal Major League Baseball players playing for the Toronto Blue Jays in 2007 with a single digit, above six but below nine, on the back of his jersey.

Adams committed two errors last night and looked as shaky as a sober Robert Downey Jr. in the field. It's the same old story.

Wednesday's With J.P.

Last night also marked the final chance fans had to phone in and ask J.P. Ricciardi (pictured) a question about the team on the post-game Jays Talk radio program. As much as some in the media are all bent out of shape about J.P.'s supposed arrogance, the guy takes a time out, win or lose, to answer the meandering questions of Toronto baseball fans who are basically the equivalent of Third World (pardon me, Developing World) polo fans.

I really have no idea when I ask this, so it may be a surprising back fire, but how many GMs actually do this on a regular basis?

Unfortunately, thanks to a string of dull questions with obvious answers, the most insightful thing I learned last night was that J.P. shops for his kids at FAO Schwarz.