The Drunk Jays Fans Guide To The Interwebs

You know, a lot's changed since Max Headroom invented the interweb in the eighties.

Back then you actually had to pay subscription fees to view strip teasing falcons gyrate about on your computer screen. And you could only watch web cam feeds in a giant freezer because, like Mexicans, computers would overheat and burst into flames if they had to do the measliest of tasks.

But aside from free pornography and moderate temperatures for viewing said free pornography, technological advances have also allowed Blue Jays fans to connect in ways never thought possible. There are countless websites and online communities for Jays fans to plug themselves into and indulge themselves in all of the information and opinions that they can handle.

Some are so good they'll make your dick fall off and do a dance while others are best left for those who've never seen a dick (let alone a dancing dick) or even said the word "dick" (let alone "dancing dick") before.

So, switch your Jaydar to on, stick "The Blue Jays Album: Class of '92" in your cassette deck and let's rock out together to "Do It Again, Blue Jays" as we journey through the interwebs in search of some good ol' fashioned Blue Jays baseball.

First off, let's hit up the major media outlets to see what they offer in the way of Blue Jays blogs.

Miked Up

The newest addition to the Blue Jays blogosphere, Miked Up is the FAN 590's Mike Wilner's take on all things Blue Jays and then some. Despite its yawningly predictable title, Wilner's (or Wilber's as my spell check suggests) blog is already a favourite source amongst fans in the know.

He brings all of the no nonsense, refreshingly informed opinions that litter his post-game radio show (and inspired my own purchase of a portable AM radio for walks home after the game) without the commercial breaks.

While obviously I encourage all Jays fans to read Wilner's writing, I especially recommend to those believing the Jays need more heart, speed on the basepaths or a new general manager that they write to Wilner with their thoughts. His responses to such ideas are the written equivalent of dunking over top of someone.

Globe On Baseball

Jeff Blair and Robert MacLeod weigh in on baseball happenings with somewhat of a hometown focus on the Blue Jays. When the blog first began last year, the posts read more like discarded column ideas than actual blogging, but the blog eventually flourished after Blair returned from following Barry Bonds' pursuit of the home run record. This is of course highlighted by a recent post about the world of press teleconferences.

Blair's bitterness can get a little tiresome at times (we get it, you don't really give a fuck about the Jays or baseball or life in general), but his increasingly irreverent writing on the blog is becoming hilarious. His postings have been intermittent during the off season, but I'm looking forward to his full-time return when the new season starts.

Major League Bastian

Jordan Bastian, who covers the Jays for MLB.com, probably files more stories during the season than the TMZ correspondent assigned to Britney Spears. Somehow, he still finds the time to write an informative blog.

Don't expect too many carnal anecdotes about Aaron Hill's bachelor party (they all drank $90 bottles of Shiraz while listening to him play Layla), but do expect some excellent coverage that other mainstream media members would overlook.

Others

The National Post used to have a blog called High Cheese that was pretty much useless except for its amusing photographs of Royce Clayton's twatee, but it seems to have recently disappeared faster than the Post's readership.

The Toronto Star employs a certain blowhard, that you may be familiar with, to answer readers' questions on Wednesday mornings with all the self-congratulatory aplomb of Bono and all the obviousness of advice from John Tesh.

Everyone's favourite commentator (to mock harshly), Jamie Campbell, also hosts a corner of the internet to voice his own maddeningly dull opinions on baseball. His writing is every bit as interesting as his analysis on the air, only without the dead air from his broadcast partner after saying something particularly useless.

I imagine that most of the mainstream blogs lack a certain level of personality because they're being accessed through a respectable news source. However, I also imagine Campbell's writing to be every bit as cringe inducingly bland as the man himself is in real life.

While regular bloggers may not have the clubhouse access and Blue Jays public relations staff at their disposal, we are allowed to say fuck, shit, cock, cunt and Shea Hillenbrand. We can also dedicate posts to fawning over the in-game hostess and particular pieces of punchmeat spotted at the game.

Nonetheless, there are those among us who still prefer to take a more professional approach.

Batter's Box

I'm not going to sugarcoat it, I find this site fairly unreadable. I'm sure that those writing it are good guys and they seem to know their shit. They're always the first to update on breaking news and they know the minor league system better than most.

Unfortunately, I tend to prefer Cinnamon Toast Crunch to 100% Bran.

Tao Of Stieb

I believe the nicest thing I've ever heard Stoeten say about anything ever was when commenting on the Tao Of Stieb blog, he suggested that he likely wouldn't have wanted to start up Drunk Jays Fans if he had known that their website was already in existence.

TOS consistently produce informed and humourous material that often causes me to redo posts in which I had unknowingly repeated them word for word. For the most part, they're also able to do so without using profanities, which I find as difficult to do as fucking the shit out of a tough motherfucker.

One small criticism: I could do without the Deadspin first person plural nonsense.

The Mockingbird

I'm not sure if it's their sleek design or their equal parts humour and analysis, but I've twice subconsciously referred to The Mockingbird's blog as boner-inducing. Most impressive about this blog is its willingness not to spew out paragraphs and paragraphs of repetitive opinions.

They get to the point quickly and accurately without dicking around with too many words.

The Progenitor of Severe Gluteal Discomfort

This site is pretty much the opposite of The Mockingbird. It sort of reminds me of that scene from Annie Hall where Woody Allen is stuck behind that guy in the movie line spouting off about Fellini as a technical filmmaker and referring to Marshall McLuhan.

Hum And Chuck

This Jays blog is adorable because it's run by a girl. We all know that females know nothing of sports, but it's so cute when they try to convince us otherwise. Also, I have it on good authority that Joanna is an animal in the sack.

Inside The Dome

I get rather confused just looking at this webpage. I think it has something to do with the Jays farm system, but it could all just be a front to sell nude photos of Minor Leaguers. Also, I'm rather cheap when it comes to paying for things. I'm not really into the whole subscription thing either.

Jays Nest

This site is sort of like The Mockingbird in that they share a writer, but not like The Mockingbird in that I seldom read it. It looks competent enough, but there's no enticing pull. For the most part, it merely reiterates the news that's available on any standard mainstream website.

The 500 Level

If you still have your ticket stub from the very first time that the Jays won a pennant, then after suggesting that you stop pretending that you're fourteen, I'd recommend reading The 500 Level. While posts are somewhat infrequent, you can expect any mention of the current Jays to be referenced to a moment from yesteryear.

Bugs & Cranks

Like Jays Nest, there's absolutely nothing wrong with this site, but there isn't a whole lot different from anything that anyone else is putting out there either. Networked blogs like this seem to suffer from the same things that hinder the mainstream blogs - a complete lack of personality.

I'm also lumping in the Jays' AOL FanHouse blog in this classification as well. There just isn't enough of a difference between these sites and a more traditional news source.

All Your Base Are Belong To Rios

One of the newer kids on the block has quickly become a favourite of mine. AYBABTR combines a hip name with an easy-to-read design to deliver informed opinions on Jays issues that haven't already been posted a million times by everyone else.

Their unique take is always well explained, if not completely justified. And they even humourously overcame some off season scares that their blog's namesake would soon be traded to the San Francisco Giants.

As lame as it sounds, there really is a great community here with enough diversity to suit any Jays fan. At the risk of sounding like a Moore's suit salesman, from perverts to professionals, there's a Jays blog out there for you.