Checkin' in with Josh 9: Cheer the fuck up!

Oh wow. I gotta say that right about now I'm feeling the Drunkeness of N ... oh right, I already wrote about that last year in the depths of our frustration. Which was in fucking August at least as opposed to April (it's still only just fucking April?).

Judging by the comments section, it doesn't appear that you readers are in a very consolable mood. In fact, any efforts to lighten the mood with some witty banter on intangibles might with you finding out who we are and where we live.

But what's the one thing guaranteed to put a smile on DJF readers' faces? A Josh Towers live game blog!

That's right, as if Towers heard the call of the Jays, he's scheduled to start the Sky Sox's 9:30 a.m. CT (WTF?) start against the Nashville Sounds (Sounds?) today! And I'll be at work listening to the MiLB broadcast (No blackouts!) live blogging the whole fucking thing! Grey skies are gonna clear up ...

Now, if this so far has you wanting to tear me a second asshole then I'm offering you this link to the Toronto Star article on last night's game instead. It'll help you dwell in the misery. I swear, it made me cry. And it's written by the Toronto fucking Star.

But for those of you continuing to read, welcome to the Minor Leagues! As their motto goes: There's nothing minor about it. Of course, apart from the fact that it is a minor league.

For those of you who aren't sad enough to have the Colorado Sky Sox and Colorado Rockies official sites in your web Favourites section, there's been some exciting shit going down.

First of all, you might be wondering why I haven't gone through the trouble of Microsoft Painting a Sky Sox logo on the Checkin' in with Josh. Well I was going to but then read this:

The Rockies [yesterday] sent struggling left-hander Franklin Morales to Triple-A Colorado Springs and announced that left-hander Mark Redman would miss his next turn in the rotation because of the team's off-day Thursday. ... However, the Rockies must decide on a starter for Saturday's game against Los Angeles.

Right-hander Kip Wells has been ruled out because of a numbness he developed in his right hand on Monday night when he [rented the entire Jenna Jameson Criterion Collection].

They could bring up Josh Towers from Colorado Springs or complete a trade with Kansas City in which they would obtain left-hander Jorge de la Rosa. Currently at Triple-A Omaha, de la Rosa would be the player to be determined in the late-spring deal win which Colorado sent Ramon Ramirez to the Royals.

Yes! So he's in! But still, today's game is a pretty big fucking deal. Towers has a chance to show the Rockies why Morales is a pussy and how he's watched the entire Jenna Jameson Criterion Collection twice. And then he'll play well in Colorado. And then Toronto will want him back. And then I will be happy again.

Play Minor League fucking ball!

Top of the 1st

Um, they just struck out Cory Sullivan. Who the fuck is that? Why the fuck am I doing this?

Perhaps it's more fruitful to ignore the game and just make random observations about this broadcast. These commentators seem surprisingly animated for not only a Minor League game but also the fact this is a fucking 9:30 a.m. start. What is that? They haven't mentioned anything about that yet. I'd like to think they've been up all night doing loads of crack cocaine and just showed up for the game high as fuck.

Actually, scrap that. Seth Smith homered and I didn't even notice. They commentators are monotone robots. Still, Sky Sox up 1-0. Playoffs!

Bottom of the 1st

Towers gets some help from some dude who plays shortstop with a diving grab and gets the first out. Nails!

Another ground out!

Three up, three down! Playoffs!

Top of the 2nd

It's kinda weird following this game. Apart from recognizing just how low I've sunk in life, it makes me realize there are at least a few other hundred people who have also sunk this low. Then again, I lived in Calgary for three years and my baseball fix was fulfilled by the Calgary Cannons. I have fond memories of going to those absolutely meaningless games. So maybe I was always pathetic. I certainly didn't notice how somewhat disturbing their logo was back then.

Oh, that's three outs there.

Bottom of the 2nd

Parkes! First you gotta write up the intangible post before I get to it and now you got your Canseco post stealing my Towers post thunder!

Count is 2-2. You can cut the tension with your grandma's dildo.

Yes! Towers strikes out Brad Nelson, who I'm pretty sure is a douchebag. I mean, come on, Brad Nelson?

NO! Mutherfucking hits a dinger out of the minor league ballpark. The Josh Towers implosion minor league style! I'm thinking that he threw his practice softball by mistake. Or is this a softball league?

That was close, another shot to the warning track but Towers gets out of the inning without giving up the lead. Oh wait ...

Top of the 3rd

Holy fuck me! As if this game couldn't get any more epic. Dave fucking Bush is pitching for the Nashville Sounds? Why didn't I notice this before? Because these commentators are fucking robots!

I remember one reader requesting an update on more past Jays. Well this is pretty much your wet dream right here.

And in something even more epic than this game, Bush just pitched to Towers, who grounded ou. Mind blowing.

Ha! The commentators are commenting on the fact that because Bush and Towers played together on the Jays, if they might have some kind of advantage batting against each other. Um, you're pitching to a pitcher. Does it really fucking matter?

Inning over. Still 1-1. And you thought last night's pitching duel was intense.

Bottom of the 3rd

Holy fuck! Bush doubles off of Towers! Maybe I should just shut the fuck up and listen to these commentator robots. Clearly Bush did learn a thing or two about the way Towers likes to pitch big meatballs right over the plate!

And Laynce Nix (fucking awesome names in the MiLB I tell you) singles to bring home Bush. Towers implosion!

Down 2-1. Towers better win this if he wants to make it back to the big leagues. You know what you have to be able to do to be a Major League pitcher, don't you? You have to win. And not having an ERA over 6 wouldn't hurt either.

Top of the 4th

Mike from Ottawa writes:

You killed off the comments! After I posted the cleverest thing I could ever possibly post! And of course, now I don't even remember what it was.

Sorry, man. You know what, I copied them and was going to paste them here but then saw your new comment and copied that and as soon as I pasted it above I realized that I had just negated my previous copy job and lost those comments forever. You'd think such a whiz at the intricacies of Microsoft Paint wouldn't be such a retard. Can life get any worse?

Sky Sox don't do dick with that inning.

Bottom of the 4th

I've frantically been trying to get those comments back even though I know it's impossible. I hope my colleagues will confuse my psychotic mouse clicking and typing for work on that report that I'm supposed to do.

Josh gets some dude out on strikes on a 3-2 count. Now that's the calm and collected kind of cool that only a minor league game will afford you.

I don't know why I'm shitting on the minors so much seeing as I'm posting this and kinda enjoying the game. Brendan's comment almost made me think I'd touched another minor league fan. Then I remembered the definition of sarcasm and start to cry.

It's a 1-2-3 inning. Towers is on fire. Oh man, this is starting to get a real Halladay feel to it, isn't it? How about some fucking runs, Sky Sox?

Top of the 5th

Stoeten nails it by successfully duplicating his earlier comment that got erased. Parkes and I had actually been planning to stage an intervention regarding Stoeten's drunken ways but with that impressive display of short-term memory, I see the man's still got it. Actually, I'm probably in need of some help as my initial reaction was: "You already wrote that, fuckface!" I also might have said it out loud.

Hey, I've switched over to the Colorado broadcast of the game. How about that? I can't say enough of this who MiLB audio. It's the best! (Stoeten, Parkes, I'm working on a lucrative sponsorship deal here.)

What I can say enough about is how the Colorado commentator is even more dead than the Nashville robots. If they were Phil Hartman characters, they'd be Hartman's Robot Repair to Colorado's Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. Did that make any sense?

Holy shit, Towers is up to bat with a runner on 2nd. His chance to be a hero and tie this fucker up.

Towers goes down swinging. Dang, if only Bush and him hadn't been on the same team.

Bottom of the 5th

Sky Sox go down 1-2-3. The crowd goes wild. There's a fucking crowd there? At 9:30 in the morning? Are they allowed to serve beer at this hour? Maybe it's one of those wicked Minor League promos that we so desperately need in the Majors. "Ever been fucked out of your skull at 9:30 in the morning? If the answer's no, why not try it this Wednesday when the Nashville Sounds take on Colorado Sky Sox. Tell your boss to go fuck himself and piss away your life with us!"

Top of the 6th

Bush has issued two walks this inning and he's getting a visit from the pitching coach, who I am sure is saying: "Now I know you want to be in the Major League right now but ..."

YES! Throwing error to first and two runs score on the play! 3-2 Sox! Playoffs!

This is fucking pathetic.

Bottom of the 6th

Holy shit. A three-up, three-down inning for Towers. Unfrozen Caveman Commentator says: "Just what the doctor ordered, a quick inning for Towers" while I'm sure he meant to say: "Holy fuck me, I can't believe he didn't muff it."

Is anybody reading this?

Top of the 7th

Dave Bush gets yanked. That's right, Bush, go back to the Minors!

Bottom of the 7th

Shit, had to do some work. I know you're all freaking out about what happened but calm down, still 3-2 Sky Sox. But Towers has runners on the corners with no outs. So it's all fucking over.

Justin Holmes writes: It's funny that you told Dave Bush to go back to the minors when he's already there. Laugh laugh.

Justin, great first name, but is that post-post-irony?

Alright, here's my best to cover a pitch-by-pitch account of either the redemption of Towers or a live implosion:

2-2 count to some dude

pitch fouled back

inside pitch ball 3

liner to third, double, dude on third scores, runners on third and second, nobody out, walk to the mound, that's it for Towers

Actual photo taken minutes ago of Nashville stadium

Bottom of the 8th

Sorry, just got back from my suicide attempt gone wrong (yet again). So pitcher dude who took over for Towers let in a run charged to Towers so that's, like, four runs and some hits or whatever that he let in in this outing. It's 4-3 Nashville Sounds and only now do I realize that Towers just might not have what it takes to pitch in the big leagues. Or maybe any league for that matter.

And who do I blame for that? The fucking Colorado media. They've been nothing but complimentary about the guy. According to them, five runs in a 5 2/3 inning outing is a quality start. Why is it that MiLB almost seems like a heavenly oasis compared to what we're being subjected to? I don't even see why any of the players bother trying to get into the majors.

Top of the 9th

One last shot for the Sky Sox here. But it doesn't matter. Josh won't get the win anyway. And that's what you have to do to pitch in the Majors. Just look at Halladay. Good outing yesterday, but he just doesn't win, you know?

And that's it. Sky Sox lose 4-3 and somebody for some reason blows an air horn. If you could describe the way I feel with a sound, I suppose it would be the exact opposite sound of that air horn.

As I look at the above posting I don't feel any pride in successfully managing to juggle work with a completely useless live blog, but rather a realization that I should retitle this post series to "Checkin' in with my psychosis."

If you still haven't cheered up, check this out.

P.S. Scrap any of that remotely kind shit I may have said about MiLB audio. As if trying to give me an extra kick to the nuts, they just did the recap with "Ants Marching" by Dave Matthew's Band playing in the background. Fuck you bastards!

P.P.S. About to shut down MiLB audio when I hear a preview for Sky Sox Report coming up next. Somewhat intrigued to stay tuned, I realize I could forever get lost in this bizarre alternate universe.