Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo (Heartbreaker): My View From the Danimal's Couch

Knowing Parkes, he's probably been planning to use it for weeks, but I've still got to hand it to him for nailing it when he summed up our Opening Day (Redux) Live Blog by saying that tonight's game "was a bit like making out with a ridiculously hot girl for most of the night only to see her go home with a douche bag who makes more money than you at the end of the evening."

Man... that ending brought some really ugly memories flooding back. Of course, unlike the average Wilner caller, I can manage to keep things in perspective by reminding myself that last year's World Series champions lost sixty-six games in the regular season. (At least, I think I can.) But that doesn't mean this doesn't hurt. Halladay pitched well enough to win, but as we've heard too many times since the ink dried on Vernon Wells' big contract, the bats let the Jays down.

I know, I know. It's unfair to already start shitting on Vernon, but at the very least the guy has no business hitting fourth until he can show that he maybe doesn't suck bag.

And, that's totally not the only thing that's fucked about the lineup. . .

I Hate To Do It, But Let's Play A Game
Step One: Review the following list of baseball players: David Eckstein, Shannon Stewart, Alex Rios, Vernon Wells, Frank Thomas, Lyle Overbay, Aaron Hill, Gregg Zaun, Marco Scutaro.

Step Two: Put your manager's cap on. You're a big league manager fighting for your job and trying to keep your team afloat in the most difficult division in baseball. You want to score the most runs that you possibly can.

Step Three: Choose the two players who you want to come to the plate more than anybody else!

OK... Are you ready? Good. So... who did you choose?

Guess what! If you said David Eckstein and Shannon Stewart, congratulations, you're a fucking retard!

You're also John Gibbons and JP Ricciardi.

Last Night's Beverage Of Choice: Paging Dr. Walter. Dr. Rye and Walter. . . er.. water. Me and my friend Hiram had a good ol' time, I tell you what! Well... oh, except for the bullshit Jays loss and everything.

Awesome Paraphrased Wilnerisms of the Evening: "Answer the question! Answer the question!"

Wilner was in mid-season form and completely took some belligerent little pecker to task when the guy kept insisting that the Jays should have bunted in the seventh inning, and then shot his mouth off about all the Oakland A's games he's watched... and how he's sure that Scutaro is Italian for the God of Bunting.

"To blame the game on John Gibbons not bunting in the seventh inning is ridiculous," Wilner said.

Bang on, Mike. I think. You're more likely to knock a guy in from second with three chances than to knock in a guy from third with two. Right? Someone do the math for me here. (Unless you're just going to be another one of those idiots who has glommed onto the word "smallball" like it's some magical ingredient that the Jays have been missing and you're a genius for figuring it out. Because, y'know... you can fuck off.)

That Joba Guy
I cannot believe how absolutely giddy the New York crowd gets for Joba Chamberlain. It's like the whole stadium takes all the shit they've been shoveled about the magnificence of this kid and then whips it up into a sensational whirling shitstorm of bullshit when he enters the game. I mean, I understand that the kid is good and all, but Jesus Christ... how long before the one-upsmanship leads to thirty-thousand Massholes dry-humping life sized Papelbon dolls in the Fenway bleachers?

And I'm sorry, but there's something infinitely more irritating than normal when you lose to a team whose fans cheer less with unbridled enthusiasm than they do with a smug, "We told you we were gonna beat your ass and then we beat your ass!" kind of human piece of shit attitude. Gawd!!!

Yeah... so maybe I'm a little bitter. So what?

Strictly Business... With Your Host, JP Ricciardi
"Hey Frank, Vernon. Come here a sec. Look guys, I know you're struggling, but you're our guys. There are some thing more important than just numbers, and we're going to stick with you in the middle of the order, because that's how much we believe in you."

"Hey. Barry. Look... we think you could really help us out and all, and a big lefty bat like yours is exactly the thing to put us over the hump. But the thing is, you're kind of a colossal douche bag, and we think there are some things that are more important than numbers."

"Hey, Reed. Um... we really like you a lot Reed. You're exactly the kind of dirtbag we want to built our team around... but this is a business, and... ah... sometimes in business you have to make hard decisions. . ."