Live Blog: Buckets Of Rain

Put your slickers on! We're less than an hour away from the first pitch of the first Blue Jays game of the season.

The rain continues to lightly fall in New York, but as Stoeten mentioned, the oh-so-reliable Jamie Campbell on the FAN 590 just said that he fully expects tonight's game to be a go. Interestingly, Cambell also mentioned that most of the Yankees players had left the stadium a half an hour before the cancellation was announced to the assembled fans.

You stay classy, New York.

I'll be on for the first shift of the live blog, as we're going to attempt this from different locations. I'll be watching the YES broadcast and listening to the FAN 590, while Stoeten enjoys the best that Rod Black and Pat Tabler have to offer on TSN.

6:28 p.m.

Despite rumours to the contrary, I will be partaking in the sauce this evening. My poison of choice for tonight: Smirnoff Premium Vodka.

What are you guys drinking out there? Any predictions for tonight's game?

6:32 p.m.

Abigail Breslin left a comment for us in the last post claiming that Robert MacLeod has moved over to The Toronto Star to cover soccer. I think she's trying to make a joke about Toronto FC's recent signing of Laurent Robert.

Abigail, it's nice to know you're a Jays fan, but shouldn't you be getting ready for your turn in Vagina Monologues?

It would be funny because she has a tiny, little vagina.

6:40 p.m.

According to TSN's main page, yesterday was the third season opener in Blue Jays history to be postponed. Both of the other two games were scheduled to be played in Detroit.

6:42 p.m.

Reader Archimedes mentions that he can't get totally loaded tonight because he's working. However, he did enjoy a potent beverage at lunch.

I used to work in a government communications office, and I never really realized why all of the older guys in the office shut their doors on Friday afternoons until I decided to go out for lunch with some of the old guard at the end of the week. They called lunch "The Ol' Liquid" and it was comprised of pints of ale and nothing else for an hour and a half. Afterwards, they'd all stumble back to the office and sleep off the buzz so they could drive home at the end of the day.

Oh, to be old again.

6:49 p.m.

If you're actually interested in things related to this game, you can check out tonight's press notes, but reading these will ruin the surprise for whenever Rod Black opens his mouth to speak.

In suicidally depressing news, I just learned on the FAN 590 that former Maple Leaf Tie Domi is dating Nip / Tuck vixen Kelly Carlson. And the best I can do is Abigail Breslin?

6:58 p.m.

Only a couple minutes more to go.

A lot of readers wonder why we're not big fans of Batter's Box, and it's a total case of different strokes for different folks. Can you possibly imagine the DJF readership falling for this unfunny bullshit? It's worse than Mike Toth prank attempts.

7:05 p.m.

I understand that the TSN intro music is rather retro.

Over at YES, there's more melodrama than the director's cut of Mildred Pierce.

7:09 p.m.

According to Michael Kay on the YES Network, Joe Girardi has ascended the ranks to greatest job in the baseball world.

Homer much?

All signs point to the field looking better than the grass at Glen Abbey. Let's play ball!

7:12 p.m.

The Blue Jays season has begun! China Man Wang throws a strike before David Eckstein grounds out to Derek Jeter up the middle.

Did you see how scrappily he ran that out?

7:15 p.m.

I think about three of us thought the same thing about Eckstein running out his grounder. It just goes to show that great minds think alike, and so do some of us, sometimes.

An Alex Rios single after a Shannon Stewart dribbler up the third base line has me more excited than the first time I got to third base with a girl.

7:16 p.m.

V-Dub and Rios show they're in mid-season form through a typical infield fly and a base running mistake to end the inning.

7:19 p.m.

Roy Halladay takes care of Johnny Damon like he was throwing Brussels sprouts at a raccoon.

7:21 p.m.

Could Jeter possibly look more like a douche when he stands in the batter's box? All of his movements reek of putting on a show.

7:23 p.m.

Hmm. A postponed game doesn't seem so bad after Alex Rodriguez hits an RBI double to put the Jays behind 1-0. We also see the difference in quality base running between Bobby Abreu and Alex Rios.

7:26 p.m.

Jason Giambi, looking more and more like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas, just before he got arrested, flies out to V-Dub to end the first inning. The Yankees lead 1-0, and my heart hurts a little.

7:29 p.m.

Reader Andrew claims he likes to refer to Alex Rodriguez as Bush League. I'm positive that that's the only type of bush that A-Rod is at all interested in.

Frank Thomas opens the second with a single. He runs the line as though his ankles are being held by a thin string.

7:31 p.m.

Time for the Gibbers haters to get on their soap box, after Lyle Overbay knocks a potential double into left, only to stop at first behind Frank Thomas. Although in fairness, it's questionable whether or not any runner would've gotten to third on that hit.

7:34 p.m.

Archimedes asks, "Outside of a home run, what would it take for Thomas to score from first?"

I'd say a triple. Meuh.

Marco Scutaro drives in Thomas from third after hitting into a fielder's choice.

The score is one all, and my nervous boner subsides into a boner of relief.

7:37 p.m.

Long-time reader Anonymous asks what the new road kits look like? To be honest, I can barely tell a difference from last year's greys.

Jesus Christ! Was that an actual stolen base? To be honest, I thought Scutaro was gone, but the replay makes it look good.

7:40 p.m.

Woohoo! What an inning! Looking at the replay of the stolen base again. I wonder if it wasn't a botched hit and run call. Scutaro appears to be watching Zaun as he runs to second and only really puts on the jets at the last second.

Somehow the YES! Network commentators aren't terrible.

7:43 p.m.

Holy shit! I had forgotten how quickly Halladay works.

MarkP in the comments section makes a good point by saying, "If Jeter stays with the tag on Scutaro rather than running off triumphantly towards the dugout like it's all a foregone conclusion, dude's out. These are the kinds of intangibles that Derek Jeter brings to the field."

You mean gold glover Derek Jeter.

I'm so glad that Roy Halladay is on my favourite team, but even if he wasn't, he'd very likely be my favourite pitcher in the league. I know it sounds overblown, but it's really a privilege to watch him pitch.

7:47 p.m.

I'm turning down the volume on the Yankee broadcast to listen to Jerry and Allan for a little while.

There are already two outs in the top of the third inning.

7:49 p.m.

Ian Hunter and J-Fan both point out David Eckstein's seizure-like routine in the batter's box. Without making a Michael J. Fox reference, he had me wondering if they were suddenly playing Reggaeton at Yankee Stadium. BLACK RIDDIM!

7:53 p.m.

My illegal broadcast has frozen just as Melky Cabrera stepped to the plate. I'm going by radio alone until I can fix this.

The subtly astute Yer Mama claims he'd like to do some very mean things to Yankee broadcaster Michael Kay. However, I've actually been enjoying the YES broadcast up until this point.

Homers? Yes, but at least they know their baseball, and aren't prone to ask stupid fucking questions that they already know the answer to, but pretend to act surprised at the analyst's response anyway.

7:58 p.m.

Wait! Holy shit again! The Jays steal a base and then later throw a runner out. Baseball bizaro world has erupted onto Yankee Stadium. The third inning is over and now I'll leave you in the capable hands of Andrew Stoeten as I recover from the carpal tunnel syndrome with some vodka.

8:05 p.m.

Howdy all. Just like usual, I showed up in the third inning with a mickey in my pocket. Something about this feels right.

So I walked down College Street on the way here and holy fuck. Fucking idiots out having a smoke during the Leafs game. You're seriously going to the bar and watching a fucking Leafs game tonight? Fuck the fuck off...

Speaking of fucking the fuck off: Melky Cabrera. Twice.

And then Rod Black's "That's the Melky way!" Parkes, consider yourself lucky you're not listening to this shit. Oh my God, I'd rather watch a frozen picture for two hours than ever listen to Rod Black say something so offensively fucking lame again. Fuck!

8:09 p.m.

OK, so I just rambled through an inning where the Jays hit Wang hard (sort of like Parkes is probably doing over there by himself), but were completely robbed. Hang in there Jays. Seriously.

8:10 p.m.

Double play ball! Nails.

So... my throat is kinda fucked up, which I hope doesn't affect my performance tomorrow on the Grill Room (shameless plug). But I think I should be OK, since I'm having a house call from Dr. Ryan Walter. Halladay, by force of sheer will, is going to will the Jays to a victory tonight, FYI. Get this man a bat!

8:13 p.m.

Rod Black doing math. Has it fucking come to this? I don't want to turn this into a live blog of how much I fucking can't tollerate Black and Tabler, but Jesus fucking serious. This is why I don't have cable, TSN.

Marco Scutaro is so tiny that nobody can seem to locate his strike zone. Will he run again? I hope not, because then when they come to their senses later in the year and stop running themselves into outs, I'll have to hear the bitching of all sorts of fuckfaces over this..

Oh, OK. He did run. Score another one for the fuckfaces. Should have been an out. . . BUT WASN'T! Man on second!

8:16 p.m.

I can't believe Gregg Zaun spells his name differently than Steve Zahn! They're like, twins. Zaunner keeps Barajas on the bench a little longer. Eckstein with runners on first and third. Another tiny strike zone. Let's DO this!

8:21 p.m.

Reed Johnson would have hit a three run homer there, eh?

8:23 p.m.

I don't care what happens here, I fucking love Rios hitting third. About friggin' time, Gibbers.

Now, let's do something about this guy hitting fourth...

See what I mean? Strikeout or no, I still like it.

8:25 p.m.

About to start my last half inning for a bit. I needs my medicine, and Parkes has probably written three shitty jokes that he's really desperate to share.

Holy shit! Get your cell phones ready for Friday night! A photo contest? I was born for photo contests. If you're not watching (ahem, Parkes you vagina), the Jays are having a contest for the best cell phone photo of your opening day experience. I'll be sure to wear pants that are loose enough to get a camera down there-- aren't I precious?

The Jays have the lead, and the Yankees lineup doesn't really seem to have any holes in it. But Cano flies out and here's Rat Boy.

8:30 p.m.

Pat Tabler had years where everything he hit found a hole. Uh... never mind.

Fuck. That last pitch of Roy's was way dirtier than anything I could have imagined Tabler doing during his playing days. And believe me, I've tried.

8:32 p.m.

Johnny who? ... Er. Well, it's Johnny Mac, and he's awesome. But that was still a nice play from Eckstein, who-- guess what-- is small! Thanks for the fucking newsflash, Rod Black you twat!

Hey TSN, why the fuck do you have a tranny telling us about the NHL? It's baseball season!

8:35 p.m.

Parkes here again. I just got off the phone with Bergkamp and he's going ballistic over at The Chairman's. Not because of the game though. They can't get over how "hot" Abigail Breslin is. I told him it was wrong, but what can you do.

Why don't you two come over to my place to meet her.

8:36 p.m.

The top of the sixth was over quicker than most of Stoeten's sexual experiences, and by most, I mean both.

The baseball writers will be happy tonight. With Wang and Halladay pitching I wouldn't be surprised to see this game over in another hour.

8:39 p.m.

DT makes a mid-game charge for the video game by pointing writing the following exchange:

Jerry: "Tommy John, the man named for the famous surgery..."

True story.

Real name was Ralph Suarez until they fixed his arm, at which point they named him after the procedure.

8:42 p.m.

I can only imagine the cock sucking pandering under way with Rod Black right now, but how the fuck can that count as a home run, when Melky Cabrera only hit Halladay's offering 300 ft.

As much as the commentators tonight are using words like "legendary" and "strong, hard boner" to describe Yankee Stadium, I say burn the fucking travesty of an outdated park to the ground.

Jays 2 - Yankees 2. And Halladay is pissed!

8:46 p.m.

Who wins a bare hands three-way match between an enraged Matt Stairs, Roy Halladay after giving up a home run and a repressed Russian circus bear?

8:50 p.m.

Hey, Rod Black! Where was your precious Melky Way there, you ignorant fuckface?

Aaron Hill lines one deep past the outstretched glove of the caramel coloured piece of shit for a double. My boner just poked a hole in my computer screen.

8:53 p.m.

Two down and Hill is now on third base, but nothing comes of it, and I disappointingly read the comments section for something funny, but come up empty.

Three observations so far:

1. All Americans, even New Yorkers, whom I usually give special dispensation to, are fat, ugly fucks. Seriously, you could say that baseball is the ugliest spectator sport, and I'd be inclined to agree if you meant it in the way that I took you to mean it.

2. The outlandish homerism of Michael Kay is only marginally better than the outlandish stupidity of Rod Black. Kay gets this whiny high pitched bat voice whenever the Yankees do anything besides just stand there.

3. Roy Halladay is even angry during the seventh inning stretch, which is way too long when they sing songs about America.

9:01 p.m.

A base hit for A-Rod, and then a walk to Giambi. Halladay is beginning to look human . . . or maybe just a tired robot.

I just learned that TSN's feed has gone to black. Who's stupid for stealing an online feed now?

9:04 p.m.

Oh shit. After an intentional walk to Jorge Posada, the bases are loaded with one out for Hideki Matsui. Don't worry though, we have Brian Tallet warming up in the bullpen.

The Yankees fans are going ape-shit.

9:06 p.m.

Anyone else wonder why Eckstein didn't run into Giambi to tag him on his way to second?

Any way, all the wondering in the world won't bring back the run that scored when Matsui hit into a fielder's choice to take the lead 3-2 for the Yankees.

We've come to expect Aaron Hill to make that play fast enough to get two, but honestly that's a tough play going back toward the bag, and they looked lucky to salvage the single out.

9:11 p.m.

Well, it looks like the Yankees are going to win the World Series and the Jays will finish third again. Fuck. I had such optimism this year, too.

9:13 p.m.

Rod Black, would you take the Yankees cocks out of your mouth! For fuck sakes!

Hey, did anybody notice me say in the comments earlier that it's not cool to hate-on someone just because he's good? Well, sober Stoeten is a fucking retard, because Joba Chamberlain needs his fat fucking ass handed to him here.

9:14 p.m.

New York is truly gay for this kid. There's no other way to put it. Yeah, he's good. Fuck off. Paging Dr. Ralph Suarez. Where the hell are you?

It would be less irritating if Rod Black didn't sound like he wanted to suck his balls.

9:18 p.m.

Good eye Alex! Now stay on base for this shitty pop-up and let's see what Frankie T can do...

What?

Rios walked. Did I mention that? I'm doing a shit job, aren't I? Fuck...

OK, we're yelling "Bugs!" at this cocksucker every chance we get this year. And I don't mean Black (or Tabler), even though they both couldn't be worse Yankee homers if they worked for YES. Maybe talk about how good Rios is, morons!

9:20 p.m.

Win or lose, this is why baseball is the best fucking sport. This right here.

No, I mean our blog.

9:22 p.m.

FUCK YOU! GROW SOME BALLS GARY DARLING!

Totally not a strike you fucking pussy. That was horseshit. But a nice steal from Rios. Frank's up, Downs is warming. 0-2 with two outs and the East Village is getting vocal again.

9:24 p.m.

Fuck. Well... the Chamberlain kid is good. I'll give him that. Annoying as fuck, but, it's the truth. I still think the strike call was bullshit, and not because Darling didn't make a really noticeable gesture, but because it was a little high. No? Am I as bad a homer as Rod Black is for the Yankees? Fuck you, TSN. Have we mentioned this yet?

9:27 p.m.

Damon triples off Downs and Nuremberg explodes in joy as The Metamorphosis goes up in flames. Fuck you Yankee fans. It takes a real douche bag not to say, "Hey, Yankee fans are all douche bags, so I like the Mets." Well done. Well fucking done.

9:29 p.m.

Downs looks like he's picking up where he left off. Except for, y'know, the triple. Now he's walking Cat Dick to face Giambi. This is going to be a long, lonely walk home. I think I just basically called Yankee fans Nazis. That's probably not going to go over well, all things considered.

9:32 p.m.

Downs actually looked pretty good. And now here comes Rivera-- who isn't what he used to be, but that's kind of like saying the Abigail Breslin ain't what she used to be, if you know what I'm sayin'.

9:34 p.m.

Will we see Stairsy? It's Overbay, Hill, Scutaro, I think. Who knows anymore? That last insurance run that didn't happen is huge. Technically. But let's not be Leafs fans here. This is pretty much over. Fuck, that hurts.

Again, it would hurt a whole fucking load less if Rod Black wasn't sucking Yankee cock at every opportunity and getting misty-eyed at all this bullshit. Fuck off.

Overbay is battling. So... that's at least something.

9:39 p.m.

What the fuck is that horseshit? Guarantee the Jays get some help from the umps tomorrow. If you're betting, bet hard on Toronto tomorrow. They're getting a gift, I assure you.

Am I seriously saying that shit? That was another bullshit call against Overbay, but really? Do I really think MLB would conspire to get the Yankees a win in their last ever home opener at this stadium? Yeah... why the hell not.

9:42 p.m.

It's Parkes here to wrap this clusterfuck up. I imagine Stoeten is slouched in disappointment somewhere in a corner that's still probably cleaner than any furniture in his house.

That was a bit like making out with a ridiculously hot girl for most of the night only to see her go home with a douche bag who makes more money than you at the end of the evening.

Before I break down in tears, I would like to cheer up at least two people out there, no matter how nominally that's possible.

If Archimedes and DT would like to email me their addresses (dustinparkes@hotmail.com), I'd be happy to stand outside their homes and look into their windows. I might also consider sending them a copy of MLB 08 The Show for PlayStation 3.

"Great job!" goes out to everyone who stayed along for the ride. Thanks for your participation . . . blah blah blah. You're our inspiration.

Oh, and remember, even if you don't have one of those new fangled gaming machines, the going rate on craigslist seems to be around $45 for this year's edition of the most realistic baseball simulation game on the market.

Can I get my own PlayStation 3 now, Sony?

Good night, muckrakes! Tune into the FAN 590 for Jays Talk if you wish.