Think pink ... you fucking racists

So I didn't find out till podcast time that the Jays didn't even fucking play yesterday. I was holed up in a recording studio in beautiful London (England, for all of you ethnocentrics out there) for the weekend and pretty much lost my mind.

Still, that gives us the Jays' first doubleheader in three years to look forward to in 1 hour and 43 minutes' time. Did Dustin and Andrew already write all this shit? Again, I have no concept of anything right now.

But the real travesty in yesterday's game being delayed is that it totally fucked up Batters Look Gay Day, otherwise known as Going to Bat Against Breast Cancer, otherwise known, in smaller circles, as Mother's Day.

Now, we all have a laugh at this for obvious reasons. We're kinda retarded and we think pink = homo = funny. But seriously, pink bats do a lot of good by raising the public's attention on breast cancer and getting cash towards a cure. And the charity-haters Stoeten and Parkes, I'm not ashamed to say that I think that's fucking awesome. Also, without pink bat day, we never would've had Troy Son of Karen and would've just been calling him Troy Glaus or the Glausmeister or Glausinator or something stupid like that.

It also gives us some comic gems when pro players try to explain the significance of the event:

"This hits home with a lot of people," Jays second baseman Aaron Hill said. "Even people that haven't lost someone to [breast cancer], they can still relate, because it's such a big thing. Just being able to help out, it's the least we can do, really.

I guess I would've thought people relate to it because they have mothers, too. But Hill's right, it is a big thing. Oh, I kid the Aaron Hill. God bless him.

So anyway, after Mother Nature dissed her own holiday (now that's just the worst attempt at any kind of humour whatsoever), it's up to the Cleveland Indians to do some split-second decision-making here:

As part of Major League Baseball's "Going to Bat Against Breast Cancer" program on Mother's Day, players were permitted to use pink bats and wear pink necklaces, ribbons and wristbands.

MLB informed the Indians they will have the option to do so in the first game of today's doubleheader.

Now that's a tough one: Do you guys want to do something as difficult as stock pink bats for the first game today or would you like to add mother-haters to your reputation that includes having just a somewhat-less-than-sensitive team logo?

Intangible alert!

If they do bring out the pink bats then lookout!

Major Leaguers from Tampa Bay to Detroit to Los Angeles were using these pink Louisville Sluggers, and for the Indians, Ryan Garko had planned to be one of those players.

"Yeah, I had them all ready to go," he said. "I was excited to fire it up. I got three hits with the pink bats last year."

Better pitch around Garko if he's in the pink.

Were they always dispicable?

I don't know about you, but I always liked the Cleveland Indians when I was growing up. This might have something to do with the fact that my parents made me attend strange meetings where we would set fire to a cross and dress in white robes that covered our faces when I was a kid. But I think it has more to do with the movie "Major League."

"Major League" might not be the best baseball movie ever, but it certainly is the best baseball comedy ever. Well actually, there's "Bull Durham." But that still makes it the best baseball comedy ever that isn't "Bull Durham."

That movie pretty much made it impossible to dislike the Tribe. It was a film that truly represented the current state of a team but just replaced them with a potentially better lineup of actors. And you cheered for them (again, just me?).

But then somethig happened. The Indians actually did get better. But they also became less likeable. In direct correlation to their cast.

Think about it:

Wesley Snipes, who was adorable as the speedy Willie Mayes Hayes, made millions of dollars making some of the worst movies ever and then decided he shouldn't have to pay taxes because he's "an idealistic, naive, passionate, truth-seeking, spiritually motivated artist, unschooled in the science of law and finance" and because he's buddies with Woody Harrelson.

Corbin Bernsen is now president and co-owner of Public Media Works, a new media company that develops entertainment for targeted fan bases. Even though I have no idea what that means, it just sounds evil, doesn't it?

Rene Russo decided she should try to become a sex symbol.

While I don't want to say anything bad about Tom Berenger as a person (again, mostly due to his performance as catcher Jake Taylor, who displayed leadership skills that make Greg Zaunn look like the guy who ate tissue in class in elemtary school) but really, this guy is hurting. So much so that he'd probably lose his mind to get offered a role in one of Parkes' script ideas.

And I'm not even going to go into the fact that Charlie Sheen went on to do some truly humiliating movie work and was still afforded to get bored of fucking Denise Richards. This man is the highest paid television actor for the program "Two and a Half Men." This show brings me so much pain that I can't even write anything to describe it.

And there's your pre-game setup. Now aren't you excited for today's games? Or at least totally confused?

Is the fucking 4 p.m. game on Sportsnet?

I guess I shouldn't really be using the blog as a way to get questions I'm too lazy to figure out get answered, but does anyone know if the 4 p.m. game will be on Sportsnet as well? I wouldn't ask unless it was an emergency. I mean, this will determine what time I leave work today. Many thanks.

* The picture up top was not done by me. I believe it was created using something called Photostore or something like that. I'm good. But not very good. Also, the Charlie Sheen one could've been done by me but wasn't.