Weekly Gibbers' And Griffins

At the start of the 2008 season I wasn't entirely certain that John Gibbons would be with this team long enough for me to continue doing a regular feature with his name on it. I was also really lazy. And very often drunk. But due to overwhelming popular demand (that is, Daryl and at least one other person... I think), I've decided that it's about bloody time to resurrect my weekly examination of something I thought was really good and something I thought was really bad (it's a real high concept piece, ain't it?). So, for the first time in 2008, it's time for me to question my apostrophe usage and, once again, hand out this week's Gibbers' and Griffins.

This Week's Gibbers: Jays Fans
What's that? Yeah, you heard me, dick ears. I said I'm giving out my first Gibbers of the year to Jays fans. Why? Because I know we shit on them a lot-- a whole lot-- and usually with good reason... but a lot of times we don't pause a moment before calling them retards to realize that the reason they're suggesting trading for Juan Pierre is that they're completely blind with frustration and can't manage to reason properly because they want so fucking bad for the team they love to stop sucking. (At least, I hope that's it, because that suggestion was just fucking brutal). Or that they only start the wave in the seventh inning of a tie game with two men on and Matt Stairs at the plate because, for some fucking insane reason that I will not ever be able to comprehend, they think that's what good fans are supposed to do.

Of course, if we did pause a moment to reflect before calling them retards, this site would seriously suck. So... we're totally going to keep doing it. But I figure that the least I can do, seeing as these people, in all their monumentally staggering wrongheadedness, are at least passionate enough about baseball to give this team their attention, their time and their support (unlike most of the apathetic fuckjobs in this city)-- all while getting shit on by cynical shits like yours truly-- is give them a stubble-faced, staggering, shrapnel-assed, poncho-like-jacket-wearing, Boomhauer-sounding, shit-non-taking, uninspiring-pep-talk-giving, Ray-Liotta-resembling Gibbers!

This Week's Griffin: The Toronto Blue Jays
I know it's stupid, even after two apocalyptically frustrating losses, to start acting like last week never happened and this team is never going to hit a double again. I know I've probably called bullshit on people having lesser bouts of brain-clouding frustration. But holy shit even to me there are days where this franchise looks like a train wreck. I know better than to indulge my pessimistic side, and I know I'm just pissed because last night fucking sucked-- and I know I'm going to post this and feel like a fucking pussy for this hackneyed choice of Gibbers' and Griffins-- but what the fuck, Jays? What the fuck?

Maybe it's that the seats I stole last night faced just off-centre enough to be noticeably uncomfortable, or that the tepid atmosphere and the bombardment of bullshit advertising is starting to get to me. Maybe it's how fucking absurd it is that I had no clue who Jose Arredondo was when he entered the game for the Angels, and was getting no help from the fifteen fucking video ad boards for some shitty hat. Maybe it's because I saw fans having their cans fondled, and then thrown away, when I entered the stadium, due to some newfangled decision to pat people down. Maybe it's because Bergkamp's rant on our last podcast was too fucking good. Maybe it's because this morning I retardedly came up with trading Zach fucking Jackson as being an actual part of the reason why the upper end of the Jays farm system is shit. Maybe it's because Brad Wilkerson has no business in this lineup, yet it being slotted in to get more at-bats than anybody else, and is being absurdly showered with praise by a manager I'm almost always willing to defend against the peanut gallery. Maybe it's because giving Wilkerson more rope than Adam Lind or Frank Thomas just cannot seem to me like anything but completely fucking stupid. Or maybe it's because I read Griffin's piece this morning, where he called Rios' inability to take second when Hill made it to third last night "inexcusable" and thought, "Fucking goddamn right!" Maybe it's because I completely agree with JP's rationalization of the situation and his insistence that the right thing to do is to just keep on riding it out with these guys . . .

Whatever it is, I'm starting to crack. Take your goddamn Griffin, Jays, and may it stand forever as a testament to the depths of frustrated insanity I've, at least for a day, joined my fellow fans in...