Holy shit, we lost!: 11 reasons to keep watching/living

Oh man. Well, it's not as if we didn't see that one coming last night. And I'm starting to think this is more than just "coming out on the right end of the stick." I mean ... Fuck!

June was bad enough but July has really been the shitty icing on the piece of shit cake. After the Yankees pretty much demolished our hopes of making things interesting going into the All-Star break, the Rays gave us an extra kick in the nuts that we're lucky to be in the running for a 3rd place finish come September. If not for a 4th place finish. ... Fuck!

I know that expectations were low going into the season and a near .500 record at this point may have seemed half decent in April. But then the Jays won our hearts over with some of the most inspiring ball we've seen in years (exaggeration?). So to see a drop like this has been suicidally disheartening to say the least. And with a gap bigger than the one between your mom's legs separating the Jays from the Wild Card leading contender, there's an apathy going around among Jays fans that makes tuning into "Friends" seem like a sane alternative to watching the rest of a ballgame at times.

OK, so it's never gotten that bad this year. But I've definitely been missing some games recently whereas I was following every matchup the first three months as if each were a World Series Game 7. Stoeten and I even walked out on the game Tuesday after the fucking Jays came back to tie it up. It was inspiring and all but I may've had a Fringe show to go to (insert comments about how much you hate the Fringe) and we really all knew exactly how that one was going to end up. And last night was kinda more of the same. We battled hard but that almost just made the defeat that much stronger a kick to the groin. It hurt.

And fans have reason to be pissed. How much longer can this abuse go on for? But to be Negative Nancy (or as I like to call her, Voice #37 in my head) for the rest of the year doesn't do you any favours, it's more likely to make you bitter and angry about everything in the world. And also, intangiblephiles speculate that this lack of fan appreciation might rub off on the players as well leading to even worse performances.

So let's look at some reasons why we should fully embrace tolerate the remaining games of the Jays 2009 season And no, I didn't recently get a marketing job with Rogers.

1. The guys pitching in

I've been incorrectly insisting that the Jays' performance this year is all about the batters not coming through. Obviously, not entirely true. I'm sure you can pick a number of games in which members of the starting rotation have totally muffed it big time. But considering the starting rotation was supposed to be the big shit in the cut for us this year, it really hasn't been bad enough to warrant the blame. And with injuries making that cut even shittier it's amazing we're even where we are. So whether a good outing or bad, half the time (shit, two thirds of the time!) they're not even supposed to fucking be there! Whether they shit the bed or turn in an amazing outing, it's always pretty admirable. OK, that's horseshit, when they shit the bed I tune out or scream at the TV.

Cecil, Ray, Rzepczynski? I'd say they're a year or two away from starting but here they are! Kind of. Sure, there's been some painful outings. But it's all part of a learning curve that'll only make them stronger and of all-star calibre when they're ready to start for good. Or horribly fuck them up on a psychological level and destroy their arms prematurely. But we're not being Negative Nancy here.

Richmond? He should be scraping barnacles in B.C. but instead he's battled hard (and been Canadian!) to earn himself a well-deserved spot in the starting order ... when he gets back from the DL ... fuck! Seriously though, Can-pride or not, he's an inspiring story and you gotta root for the guy.

Even Tallet? Sure, he's been terrible his last three starts. But dude took on the starting role admirably and I still hope for him to return to the form he's shown in the past. And I also like to smoke crack from time to time. ... Fuck off, Negative Nancy!

2. Scott fuckin' Rolen aka The Greatest Blue Jay of All Time

I love Scott Rolen. I probably love him as much as Phillies fans hate him. I love him so much I actually kinda relate to that dude who loses his mind when he gets to serve him a mammoth burger and fossil fries in that stupid commercial. Watching Rolen make up for his lack of hitting power with some serious fucking hitting power that doesn't need to clear the fence has been pretty fucking awesome. And while the streak is no longer alive, part of me thinks he's going to start another one that won't be looking to threaten Green's record so much as DiMaggio's.

And his defence? SWEEEEEEEEEET!!! OK, I have nothing in common with that dick in the commercial.

If all the Jays could follow Rolen's example, they'd be in a much better spot. Although admittedly forever sombre looking and listening to even shittier music than they already do.

*** Bonus reason to watch! Cito Gaston sitting Rolen when he's on a tear! ***

3. It's beautiful outside!

Hey fatboy, look at the weather outside! Get out to the Rogers Centre and enjoy a game in the sun! What's that? They're out of town? And even if they were in town, the roof would be closed cause there's a cloud in the sky and it doesn't matter anyway cause domes tend to block out nice weather and you end up sitting in the shade half the time? And the streets smell like garbage?Hmmm. Well OK. But you are going to sit in the dark and watch the game on TV, right? Fine, as you were.

4. Scott Downs

This week BJ Ryan was released and the only reason we care is cause the dude is going to be able to buy his own stadium, complete with flaming graphics and hire Slipknot to play live should he get bored. But as far as the closer spot, we've got it covered. Downs has just been awesome. Fuckin' awesome. And it feels as though with this player, we've all seen the progression. He's always been a guy to root for but it looks like he doesn't need our help anymore. Dude's all grown up. Money got us a bona fide closer. Experience got us a bona fide replacement. Not too sure what that means but I'm not trying to shit on Ryan here.

Plus, that whole initial of his kids into the mound ritual followed by him horking a loogie is pretty adorable.

5. The infield aka Johnny Mac without Johnny Mac

Last season, when it was apparent that all was lost, the only thing that kept me from tying a proper noose was Johnny Mac's dazzling defensive play. It was to the point that his defence saved runs and justified him batting. A brilliant move on JP's part, he clearly went to magic school in the off season to entertain crowds should exactly this kind of record deter fans from attending late in the season. But the magic show is no more and his justification for being on the roster now probably has more to do with the fact that he can run the 100-metre dash in less than 20 seconds. (Although he's kinda been nailing it at the plate lately. Um, yeah. Roids? Too soon!)

And while we all still love the guy, the D that is the infield of Rolen, Scutaro and Hill (and Bautista! ... and the guy who stands on the first base) has been fucking fantastic. Seeing those guys play together gives me a boner and that has nothing to do with males being in relatively close proximity to each other. Rolen's defence already mentioned, Scutaro has been more than adequate a replacement for the Mac and Hill continues to prove why shitting our shorts over losing the O-Dog had more to do with us being late bloomers both intellectually and bowelly. (Pretty sure that makes absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever.)

6. Hey now, we got all stars (Jesus I hate the fucking song I'm referencing)

No, we didn't sign Smash Mouth (although that could've been a potential deal for Ryan? True, perhaps even more useless but we could've boiled them alive for in-between innings entertainment or something. Heyo!). But having mentioned Hill's defensive talents, how about the fact he's a fucking all-star! 20 fucking dingers! On pace for 40! And then there's Lind with 19! And the dude had a fucking shirt made telling people to vote for him to make the All-Star game and the internet still said no. But seriously, when you look at it, on top of these all-star hitters we've got Scutaro leading off with a near .400 OBP, Rolen hitting .330, Overbay likes doubles (and admittedly double plays), two catchers who are totally adorable at the plate and two guys who might not be that good but at least they're not costing us much -- and you're telling me we're losing a bunch of one-run games with chances to bring in runners in scoring position with less than two outs? For shame.

Oh, and we also got some guy called Halladay. Speaking of which ...

7. Roy fucking Halladay!

We have arguably, nah fuck that, I'm sick of the arguably -- we have the best pitcher in baseball on our roster! (Well, at least since Josh Towers decided to try his hand at the Minors). And who knows, it might be your last chance to see him pitch as a Jay if this trade talk, also known as the worst thing ever, happens. As Stoeten brilliantly and drunkenly theorized, this could all just be a marketing ploy to get asses in the seats when the Doc takes the mound. But what if it isn't? (Again, I don't work for Rogers marketing.) And you know what? Even if he stays, resigns a huge contract and is here till the day his arm falls off, as if you need a reason to watch the Doc pitch or than the fact that the Doc is pitching. 'Atta Roy.

And should the sad day come when he does leaves us ...

8. Rookie Romero aka RR Cool Jay aka Ricky Romero

Troy who?

HEYO!

9. As if you have anything better to do

Seriously, stop kidding yourself. Even if you're 10 times the man I am, you're still pretty pathetic, stuck in a dead-end job that you hate and would be sitting around counting your pubic hairs if it wasn't for baseball. And while you could kid yourself and watch the Braves game on Peachtree TV or any of the other teams Sportsnet and TSN air, do you really care about them? Fuck no! You want the drama, the admittedly infrequent glory and admittedly frequent heartbreak that only the Jays can offer. We live and die with this team because we are Toronto and ashamed of the fact that we have a slogan like that at our ballpark. So whether you want to root for your team like a naive yuppie seating in the corporate box seats or you want to shit on every play they make, let's hear you Toronto!

Besides, as grim as things look, it's not over yet. There's still a potential chance of ....

10. PLAYOFFS!

It's totally still possible! While it could be writing this has worked me up into such a frenzy of retardation that I'm starting to believe again, if we win every game remaining in the season, there's probably a good chance we'll get that Wild Card spot. And it could happen! This is baseball! These are the Toronto Blue Jays! And you know exactly what that means: They'll go on some crazy run late in the season and the Red Sox and Yankees (and Rays? Fuck's sakes) will start losing a few here and there. You'll start to feel this strange tingle in your pants that's been absent for weeks and suddenly we'll have worked our way back to five games behind in the Wild Card race with a mathematical chance of one in five billion that we could actually attain it should all the other teams lose every game and we win every game and the Red Sox organization implodes. But there's still a chance. And that's why I'll be losing my mind around that time just like every year. Unless it's a repeat of 2004. That would fucking suck.

And finally ...

11. Today's Game Threat!

That's right, as that cow Scarlett O'Hara says at the end of that hack movie "After all, tomorrow is another day!" Well, today's that day! Marc Rzepczynski takes on some piece of shit in a matchup that's hotter than that non-existent deleted scene in which Rhett Butler nailed that piece of tail. It all starts here.

And if it doesn't, well, there's always tomorrow. Or a few days after as it's All-Star break.

Go Jays.

Apologies for no lineups. Had to post this early cause I got plans and can't watch the game.