Game Threat: Jays (10-4) vs. Rangers (5-7)

Happy Halladays! The Jays are back after a torturous off-day, and even though the Rogers Centre will be dry, the hot dogs and foam fingers (which I'm told really fuck you up) will be cheap, there is still an hour to get some pre-drinking in... which is why this Game Threat is going to be short and sweet.

Well, that and the fact that the lineups haven't been posted.

Boners up: the good doctor makes an appearance tonight (3-0, 3.00), he faces Brandon McCarthy (1-0, 4.91), and now I must go get shittered . . .

Remind Me To Keep Checking On This

Or, as we say here in Canada, chequing on it.

Anyway, above you can see the fancy, high-tech, professionally-designed graphic that comes up when you click anywhere on InTheActionSeats.com-- the site of the girls who made the Vernon Wells calls Aaron Hill a racist video, this uncomfortable one about curling, and a bunch more that are posted on their YouTube channel.

Was there a falling out? What did Katrina do? Can I possibly finish this post without implying that these girls must be, at the very least, mildly retarded?

These are questions that, for now, simply cannot be answered.

And, in point of fact, they lead to a fuck-tonne more questions-- chiefly, why did I think it was our perceived lack of professionalism that's been keeping us from getting Jays players, or JP Ricciardi himself-- who we've tried to get-- to appear on our podcast? Clearly, what's been working against us is either, a) our lack of vaginas, or b) our Darwinian ability to get up in the morning and be able to perform the most basic human functions without being given any kind of break or helping hand because of our great tits.

As this picture demonstrates, JP will talk to just about anybody-- as will Jose "Conseco", apparently. So, at this point, I'm going to have to label the Jays' PR standards here curious at best. Which isn't to say that I'd expect anybody over there to talk to us, it's just... really, you're going to let these [girls] film all this stuff and then do whatever they want with it? Okaaaay, it's your racist team. Who am I to suggest it might be a terrible, embarrassing idea?

I Don't Really Have To Explain That Vernon's Joking, Do I?

Seriously?

He's joking. And it's pretty nails, if you ask me. Of course, I'm a racist, so it really hits home.

Score one for our buddy Hale over at the Mockingbird for scouring YouTube for the clip.

Boners Up: DJF 2009 Podcast #3

Well, it's not much, but it should help you get over your Jays withdrawal, on this, the first off-day of the season. Our latest podcast, with special guest, the Tao of Stieb, has arrived: get it on TheScore.com, or subscribe through iTunes.

Musical Accompaniment: XTC Respectable Street, Ween The Mollusk, Sonic Youth Genetic, Sammy Neptune Ave., The National Mr. November.

April 20, 2009 Game Threat: Blue Jays vs. ...

... oh, they're not playing tonight? Off day? OK. That's cool. I mean, they deserve a break with the way they're playing. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I'm sure I'll find something to do tonight. Maybe just look at the AL East standings for three hours or something. No problem.

Happy off day everyone. 10-4! 157-5 record still in effect! Playoffs!

April 19, 2009 Game Threat: Jays (9-4) vs. A's (5-6): Let the magic continue

I don't know what it is, but I feel good. Could be the bliss of a peaceful Sunday morning. The fact that Spring is here. The fact that I'm not totally hungover. Or just maybe it has something to do with Overbay's dinger in extra innings to improve our record to 9-4 (2 games ahead of Baltimore, baby!) and a chance to win a fourth consecutive series to start for the first time since 2001.

Could be that. But normally this happiness would be marred by a lingering worry that we're deluding ourselves and being overconfident. But that's not there anymore. Ricky Romero starts this game after a nails last outing. They'll be looking for him to go deep into the game after yesterday's bullpen fiesta. And I'm not worried one bit. Whatever it is, let it continue. Tits!

Oakland Gays

Sweeney - rf
Cabrera - ss
Giambi - dh
Holliday - lf
Cust - rf
Chavez - 3b
Suzuki - c
Ellis - 2b
Powell - 1b

Braden - got nothing

Toronto Blue Jays

Scutaro - ss
Hill - 2b
Rios - rf
Wells - cf
Millar - dh
Rolen - 3b
Overbay - 1b
Chavez - c
Snider - lf

Romero - Who the fuck is Troy Tulowitzki?

GO JAYS!

Game Threat: Jays (8-4) vs. A's (5-5): Fallen leaves fallen leaves fallen leaves on the ground!

The last thing I remember last night was feeling depressed. That's cause as soon as Hill grounded into a double play for the final outs of the game, I pretty much blacked out, only to awake at 3:40 a.m. to find that I'd passed out on the couch. I'm imagining about 99.9% of the population had a more eventful Friday night than I did.

In keeping with the theme that I'm a bit of a loser, I also don't know why I can recite lyrics from Billy Talent songs to use as subject titles. Still, I can't be feeling half as shittily about myself as Purcey must be right now. That fourth inning performance was one of the most painful things I've ever had to watch next to just the advertisements for "Two and a Half Men." I think that's gotta be the worst start by a Jays pitcher since Josh Towers. Harsh. For both parties involved.

But all of this kinda bodes well for Brian "Billy" Tallet, who starts today's game in the absence of Jesse Litsch. Not that we could expect much from a guy making his first start since 2006. But I doubt you can do much worse than last night's performance. Unless of course he does. And then gets labelled "the guy who pitched worse than Purcey did the day before," over two years without a start being no excuse. OK, there is a lot on the line. Not to mention the fact that if we don't get this one, the Jays won't be able to afford another loss. If they're to finish with the 157-5 record I'm expecting them to.

Give 'em hell, Tallet.

Oakland Fuckfaces

Sweeney - rf
Cabrera - ss
Giambi - 1b
Holliday - lf
Cust - dh
Suzuki - c
Ellis - 2b
Crosby - 3b
Davis - cf

Cahill - why bother

Toronto Blue Jays (thanks for the heads up, Tony)

Scutaro - ss
Hill - 2b
Rios - c
Wells - dh
Lind - lf
Bautista - 3b
Overbay - 1b
Barajas - c
Snider - rf

Tallet - nails

Go Jays!

Game Threat: Jays (8-3) vs. A's (4-5): It's a Great Day for Baseball

Dear Toronto,

I have resorted to the hack device of an open letter because, in addition to being creatively bankrupt, I'd really like to make it clear that I'm not just talking to the regulars around here, who, even if they're idiots, already support the Jays with a passion-- unlike most of this pretentious Milwaukee of a city we've got going on over here.

Oh, I kid. Toronto is fucking nails-- I was just trying to get your attention there by kowtowing to the worthless rest of the country. (Oh, I kid, worthless rest of the country). And now that I'm pretending I have your attention, I've really got to ask... would it kill you to come out and watch a fucking baseball game?

Yes, it's probably too early to really start believing in this team, but what the fuck do you have to lose? The Leafs and the Raptors, unwatchable for months, have mercifully ended their nightly raping of hockey and basketball fundamentals. So you can either hole up in front of your TV, watching hockey teams from places where they don't stand for mediocrity battle, here on the third playoff day of a two-month marathon, or you could send a message to the cheap fucks who run the baseball team you'll be watching from the time the Cup is raised until Leafs training camp begins that, hey! We like this! We might show up more when you don't fucking suck so hard for fifteen years!

It might make Rogers think about adding payroll. A great atmosphere might give the team a lift, if such things were possible. Jays fever might get contagious. And fuck, it's baseball: win or lose, there are all sorts of things about a live game on a beautiful night (even with the roof closed) that will be awesome.

Plus, what's not to like about this team? They're playing great so far-- and what's extra great is that every game they win means that it's going to take that much longer to pull them back down to reality.

Already they've built a whole bunch more drama into the season than most people thought possible a couple weeks ago. It was a legitimate concern that the team might fall flat on their faces from the outset, lose a bunch of games early on, and immediately become completely and totally irrelevant. You may not believe they'll keep it up, but so what? Look where they are!

SAVOUR IT.

PLAYOFFS!

Thanks,
Stoeten

Note: I'm out of here, and the lineups aren't anywhere to be found. I'm sure you'll live without them. I can tell you that, in a match-up of two lefties, David Purcey takes on Josh Outman. The Jays haven't had much success with unknown shitballing Oakland left-handers in recent years, so let's hope that they'll fuck him up and we can add that to the list of all the other shitty memories being quickly erased here at the start of the season. Happy commenting. Drinkin' time ...

Without A Fly Ball

Boners up and wave 'em in the air.

I keep telling myself that the Jays schedule is easy in the first month of the year, that it's still so early in the year, that other teams haven't worked out their shit yet, that the mounting victories are flukes.

Fuck it.

Roy Halladay pitched a game last night in which he didn't give up a single fly ball. Just place your right hand on your cock for a moment and think about that. Not a single fly ball over seven innings of work. We all know how brilliant he is, but fuck . . . shit like that just makes it all the more obvious.

Speaking of obvious, I don't know how often I've claimed that Marco Scutaro is a bad choice to hit leadoff, but there he is . . . getting on base safely in every game this season, leading the team in runs and motherfucking walks. Fuck yes!

Scutaro is a great example of what's been happening this year. To me, a multitude of shitty decisions have been made regarding the club (i.e. Scutaro leading off, Snider hitting ninth, pitchers being left in too long, etc.), but for whatever reason it's working. So, I'm going to keep my mouth shut until the wheels fall off . . . which they will . . . but holy fuck, it's fun to hope that they don't.

At least Alex Rios is still doing his best to waste his talent and keep us grounded. Thanks Alexis.

One other thing: I know the scoop on Jason Frasor is that he's great in non-pressure situations, but shits the bed when he's all in before the river gets revealed. However, he's been looking really good out there.

When a reliever comes in during a blowout for the last game of a four game series, it's hardly a pressure situation, but his new and improved slider/cutter pitch looks devastating.

But whatever, the Jays are back in town and patio weather has arrived. All hail Toronto!

Game Threat: Jays (7-3) @ Twins (4-6)

The good doctor makes a house call to the Metrodome in the Jays’ last ever (regular season) game there before the Twins move to an inexplicably un-roofed stadium next year.

Halladay faces left-hander Francisco Liriano, who back in 2006 was a dominant number two behind Johan Santana, but who has struggled with injuries since then. After a year wasted by injury, Liriano started three games last April before again being sidelined until August 3. He finished the year strong, giving up more than two earned runs only three times in his final eleven starts—one of those being three exactly—but he’s struggled out of the gate this year, starting 0-2 with a 6.94 ERA.

The Jays hope that he has at least one more bad outing in him, or will give up enough to the hot Jays bats to let Roy settle in with a lead, and start go after Minnesota’s light-hitting lineup—which sorely misses Joe Mauer here early on.

Jose Bautista again starts ahead of Travis Snider against a left-hander, and if a situation arises where you find yourself screaming at the TV for a pinch hit appearance, don’t forget how bemused Cito seemed two nights ago when someone suggested he should have pinch hit a rookie for a veteran—so, you know, don’t hold your breath.

In case you missed it in the comments today, the dome was spotted partially open this afternoon. I’m not sure how far along they are with the testing that’s required before they can start opening the roof for games, but with a sunny 19 C in the forecast for tomorrow, let’s cross our fingers that we’ll be watching baseball outdoors when the Jays and A’s hook up at Rogers Centre.

Toronto Blue Jays

Scutaro – ss
Hill – 2b
Rios – rf
Wells – cf
Lind – dh
Rolen – 3b
Millar – 1b
Barajas – c
Bautista – lf

Minnesota Twins

Span – cf
Casilla – 2b
Morneau – 1b
Kubel – dh
Cuddyer – rf
Buscher – 3b
Young – lf
Morales – c
Harris - ss

A Trip Around The Jays Blogosphere

We've been a little lacking with the blog love around here lately, so let's take a look at what's being said on some of the 1700 other Jays blogs out there.

Ghostrunner on First takes a look at Cito's lineup management in the good old days, and the numbers bear out what we already assumed: the man doesn't fuck with his lineups. Drew also tosses out a gem of a conspiracy theory as to why Cito manages this way.

The Tao of Stieb wonders if it's too soon to start fretting about Alex Rios (probably?), and muses on how best to honour Jackie Robinson and still be able to keep track of which players are which. (I kind of like the in-your-face-ness of everybody wearing it, personally.)

Wilner is confused as to why so many of his callers are excited for this young Jays team, but still are adamant that JP must be fired. (Hint: It's because they're idiots, Mike.)

The Globe and Mail's "blog" informs us that Brian Tallet and Johnny Mac are saying all the right things about moving to the starting rotation, and not playing, respectively.

Bart Given's Inside the Majors looks at the nutritional habits of minor league ballplayers, and how the Clevelands, in particular, have gone about improving this aspect of their organization.

Griff takes a break from managing the Twins to answer new mail bag questions in a manner only slightly less crazy than Glenn Beck.

The Blue Jay Hunter raises a glass to Scott Richmond.

All Our Base Are Belong To Rios realizes that the season has started... and promptly forgets.

Go Jays Go has some fine pictures, as always, including some Jackie Robinson Day stuff, and Aaron Hill looking a little bit pleased as punch.

Joanna from Hum and Chuck plays doctor (meow!) with Jesse Litsch (ugh), and wonders if maybe Pedro is worth a flier.

John McDonald's Cabinet insists that Rios ought to be playing centerfield, and FYI, I couldn't agree more. I could probably agree a little less, but definitely not more.

Mop Up Duty notes that Mike Johnson (was that his name?), the pitcher who started for Canada against the US in the WBC, has been released by his Korean team.

Batter's Box takes a trip through the minors to look at how the Jays' affiliates are doing, and finds Fabio Castro (who you may remember from such trades as: Matt Stairs) and Tim Collins doing a little thing I like to call nailing it. Nails!

Programming Note

For those of you who are bored at work, I'll be live blogging this afternoon's opening of the new Yankee Stadium, which features a matchup between Cy Young winner CC Sabathia, and joke Cy Young winner Cliff Lee, over at The Score. (And you can follow along on your iPhone using Score Mobile, he shamelessly added.)

Thursday wishing it was Friday so I could watch the new Crank movie (Ch-ching!)

On last night's game:

PLAYOFFS! ...

Well, what else do you expect from a guy who doesn't seem to know anything about baseball or what's going on around him? Plus, what can you really say about last night's 12-2 dinger fest against the Twins apart from this is blowing my fucking mind?

Lind and Snider both reminded Cito Gaston that they may have been missed in the previous outing against the Twins. Lind came in to score twice and while Snider's strikeouts in his first two at bats kinda made him temporarily human, his clutch 9th inning double to bring in a reminder-that-the-Twins-suck-extra-two-run cushion was fucking nails. (Thanks Julie, but I clearly already knew that Lind played in the previous game.)

After a two-run bottom of the 1st, I was preparing myself for the worst with Scott Richmond's second outing. But then a funny thing happened, he was kinda awesome. His composure with two on and one out in the 3rd was especially impressive to limit the Twins to just the two runs, and giving up only four hits and 6 1/3 innings of work. I know that none of the Twins have seen him pitch or anything so I won't go completely overboard and just say that it's likely we'll see this guy as a candidate for the Cy Young, rather than just outright winning it. Nice one, Scott.

Aaron Hill, after breaking his hitting streak, decided to make up for it with four last night. Nice try, Aaron, I'm still pissed you got my hopes up for thinking you might be the next DiMaggio.

The hitting overall last night was OK, I guess. Only 16 of them, though. And the four home runs was a bit on the short side. And geez, nailing two of them in one inning to completely deflate Scott Baker's manhood to make him look like a six year old kid -- which, come to think of it, I guess is what he looks like anyway -- wasn't very sportsmanlike. I almost felt sorry for him. But I learned my lesson from last year. Punish them! Mercy is for the weak! Playoffs!!!

See, I know how to read a box score. Just one thing, what does RBI stand for? And what do you guys think of the whole Barry Bonds thing?

(Truthful) Litsch Update!!!

So we all know Jesse Litsch is on the DL with a tight forearm. And then we found out that it's at least going to be two weeks before he's allowed to even look at a baseball. But who should provide even futher information on our No. 2 starter (still sounds kinda funny, doesn't it)? None other than Mr. 411 himself, J.P. Ricciardi.

After commenting on last night's game: "I'm really happy with the effort" (translation: "our 2, 3 and 4 are killing us"), J.P. commented on Litsch's situation by saying that he expects him to be out of the lineup anywhere between four to six weeks. Normally, I'd react by crying horseshit and assume that Litsch tragically passed away, but there's something different to the tone of this comment. It almost seems sincere and plausible pertaining to the matter at hand.

It would seem as though Ricciardi's "It isn't a lie if we know the truth" (translation: a lie) school of thought has turned a new leaf, revealing the less harsh "It isn't a lie if it's the truth because it's OK to tell it because it doesn't affect ticket sales" (translation: the truth) philosophy. And here I was thinking he'd forsaken Wednesdays with J.P. on JaysTalk just cause he hated talking to callers and making claims people don't like baseball when really that just happens to be the same night he's enrolled in a university course on ethics. Heyo!

Thanks for the update, J.P.! Now was that so hard?

Fun with Paint

So as much as I'm trying to stretch these posts with three stories, the third one's always just a vehicle for me to get my Microsoft Paint fix (with the previous two not really being relevant stories).

Now that Scott Richmond has notched his first win of the season with his longest start, I think it's safe to say we'll be seeing some more of him this season and that he's earned our highest regard ... of being given a nickname. Now I know we've frequently compared the facial features of everyone's favourite Republican Muppet to J.P., but really, I think this is a lot closer. I give you: Scott the Eagle

Alright, so Sam the Eagle embodies American patriotism and Richmond is a Canadian of I-have-no-fucking-clue political leanings, they look pretty fucking similar. No? You don't think so? I should maybe do some actual work? Alright.

Oh, and J.P., don't think if this new designation flies we'd forget about you:



HEYO!

Game Threat: Jays (6-3) @ Twins (4-5)

Scott Richmond gets his second start of the year for the Jays, after starting the ridicurously long Cleveland Indian home opener, included an insufferable 3+ hour rain delay. He faces the Twins' young right-hander Scott Baker, who will be making his first start after beginning the year on the disabled list.

Now, in fantasy baseball, you're always wary of using a pitcher who's making his first start back after an injury, and let's hope Baker shows some rust, because last year he was 11-4 in 28 starts with a 3.45 ERA and a 1.18 WHIP.

Toronto Blue Jays

Scutaro - ss
Hill - 2b
Rios - rf
Wells - cf
Lind - dh
Rolen - 3b
Overbay - 1b
Barret - c
Snider - lf

Minnesota Twins

Span - lf
Casilla - 2b
Morneau - 1b
Kubel - dh
Cuddyer - lf
Crede - 3b
Redmond - c
Punto - ss
Gomez - cf

Jackie Robinson Day

The importance of Jackie Robinson, and the things he helped make possible for millions upon millions of people, transcends baseball. Easily one of the most-- if not the most-- important cultural figures of the the twentieth century, in terms of helping the world progress toward becoming a freer, fairer, and more just place for all of its people, fans of baseball should never be without pride that he was part of our game-- and a pretty kick fucking ass player, to boot.

I know you know all that, but it genuinely is important to remember and honour it.

Today the Jays and Twins-- like every other team in the majors-- will all wear number 42, in honour of Robinson, on this the 62nd anniversary of his first ever game with the Dodgers. And I don't think it's too petty of us Canadians to take a little extra pride in the fact that his "professional" career began in our country, with the Triple-A Montreal Royals.

If anybody asks you why the hell they're all wearing the same number, don't hesitate to elaborate on what an important, impressive person he was, instead of responding with a simple "he was the first black player." It's much bigger than that.

MLB.com has some great resources dedicated to Jackie. And his Wikipedia page is well worth a read as well.

Now here's a video that, considering the site you're on, you'll probably find to be a fitting tribute.

No Margin For Old Error

Such a shame of a waste of a fantastic outing for Ricky Romero, but baseball’s senile funny like that sometimes.

Oh, I kid, I kid. There was a lot that happened in last night's game beyond the kind of baffling tactical decisions by Cito that we're all going to have to get used to (again)-- so let's not spend too much time on those. Cito is going to do what he thinks is best for his team, even though basic statistics and common sense might suggest that, no, he really wasn't, I think we just have to accept for a while that, when it comes to Cito, you have to take the good with the bad. And so far, there has been a lot more good.

And who knows if putting in Snider and Overbay instead of Bautista and Millar once the right-handers showed up, or brining in Shawn Camp to face three righties would have done anything. Right? Huh? Huh? Right??? I mean, sure, the statistics might have said you have a slightly better chance that way, but what are those? A bunch of numbers-- and how are you going to play baseball with numbers??? (Hmmm... actually "1" does kind of look like a bat, and "0" could be a ball, but where's the glove? Where's the glove, egghead???)

Plus, I mean, Aaron Hill doesn't bobble that double play ball, or Kevin Millar gets just a little bit more on a couple of his long outs, and the whole outcome probably changes. Sure, the fact that the margin for error was razor thin is probably the last reason to start excusing the manager for not putting his team in the best position to win, and the Cito-crutch concept of "showing faith in your guys" is kind of blow apart by the fact that-- as Wilner was pointing out last night-- they showed faith in the wrong guys, and... OK, maybe if this was last year, it would have been one of those games that would have made me suicidal. But we're 6-3! We're on easy street! Let's look at some positives...

Ricky Fucking Romero

What can you say about Romero's performance, other than that, uh... Cito kind of left him in for quite a friggin' long time? I know it's early, but man, I'd love for this to be a breakout season for Romero. Clearly he got some fantastic stuff, and with the way he pitched out of that bases-loaded none-out jam in the sixth, it seems like whatever Arnsberg has been whispering his ear has seriously got him trusting it. Nails! I'll take a guy like that over a Litsch/Richmond/Towers type, who has to be almost-perfect not to get the shit knocked out of him, any day of the week. If Romero starts really believing that he can get major leaguers out, fuck, the Jays might really have something here. (Granted, this is the first time any of those hitters have seen him.)

Scott Motherfucking Downs

Fucking eh, what a happy accident it is-- and it is an accident, right?-- that the guy the Jays tend to use in the highest leverage situations is actually their best reliever. Downs was fucking awesome last night, and it gives us all the more reason to hope that the Beej can keep progressing, and keep Downs from having to take the closer's role.

The Few Who Actually Hit

Alright, so Vernon's game-tying eighth-inning RBI was on a bit of a chili dipper, but so what? It was nails. Suck it, haters. And Barajas, before he was pinch-run for, was nailing it at the plate, as was the Greatest Blue Jay of All Time, Scott Rolen. So, you know, it wasn't exactly all bad. Just, y'know, if you're glancing through the box score, try to avoid looking at the 3s in the LOB column next to Bautista and Millar.

Litsch Update - Just To Be Official

I'm sure you've heard by now, but just so we have a record of it on here somewhere, the word on Litsch isn't simply a 15-day trip to the DL-- it's that he's going to be shut down for that long. So he won't throw a ball for two weeks, and then will have to work his way back from there. He's looking at a month away at least, it seems, probably more. Ugh.

Lastly

Nice Mark Fidrych obit from Earl McRae of the Ottawa Sun, who recalls speaking with the Bird, who mused about playing for the Jays during a hospital stay in 1977, when the injuries that destroyed his career were already catching up to him.

Love - Extraneous Innings = No Limit Of Devastation

I'm going to avoid questioning the Cito mentality of leaving the hottest bats on the bench in an extra inning game because a) Mike Wilner has already expressed exactly how I feel, and b) I really want to avoid the tag as the guy who hates Cito and is therefore a racist according to the contingent of whiny commenters in need of a reaction.

I love Cito. He's a bad ass motherfucker. And nothing would please me more than for him to lead this team to a surprisingly successful season.

But enough about old school managers. I have a question.

Is there anything more devastating for a sports fan than an extra inning loss?

To watch helplessly as your favourite team extends intense concentration and additional effort only to come up short is a maddening process leaving said fan devoid of any enthusiasm whatsoever for life in general.

Forget water boarding or recorded sounds of babies crying, if you really want to break captives of their will, simply inform them over and over again that the club they support continues to lose close games.

One run games were brutally painful last season for the Jays, seeing them amass a 24-32 record. And last night's game against the Twins brought back all those terrible feelings again.

A two-out double off the bat of backiotomy receiver Joe Crede to score the winning run may as well have been a spear in my side.

It's a tough road living and dying with a team on a 162 game schedule, and I've got a terrible feeling that after the easy schedule in the first month of the year, it's going to get a lot tougher. Fuck, I can't believe I'm down like this for the ninth game of the year.

Sometimes I'm glad that the Jays are in the AL East where success isn't as forthcoming as it would be in another division because I would totally lose my shit if this team ever does anything.

Game Threat - April 14, 2009: Twinks vs. Jays

. . . and you thought the Rogers Centre was a cavernous homage to everything against nature.

Let's begin today's blogcast by welcoming Brian Tallet to the Blue Jays starting rotation. According to MLBastian's twitterings, the jerky-making (that kind too) swingman will start Saturday afternoon's game against the Oakland A's at one o'clock in the fucking PM.

So, I guess Bill Murphy will now log more innings in the coming week than a couple of the starters.

I've got nothing in the way of stats that makes me say "yay" or "nay" for the swingman, and maybe there's something to be said for the way rotations and bullpens are way too specialized nowadays, but aside from all that, wasn't there a guy in Spring Training that almost made the rotation over Scott Richmond?

And isn't there another young starter on the farm who is expected to make a few starts this season, and isn't he scheduled to make his start on Saturday, anyway?

Anywho, the Jays are gearing up for a battle of the young lefties once again tonight, as Brad Arnsbergstein's Ricky Romero (1-0, 3.00 ERA, 1.50 WHIP) takes on changeup specialist Glen Perkins (0-1, 1.12 ERA, 0.88 WHIP).

We'll wait with baited breath to see if Cito is willing to take a chance on keeping Travis "Lunch Box" Snider's left-handed home run swing in the lineup against a starting southpaw for the first time this season.

Lineups:

Toronto Blue Jays

Scutaro - ss
Hill - 2b
Rios - rf
Wells - cf
Lind - dh
Rolen - 3b
Millar - 1b
Barajas - c
Bautista - lf

Minnesota Twins

Span - rf
Casilla - 2b
Morneau - 1b
Cuddyer - dh
Crede - 3b
Young - lf
Redmond - c
Punto - ss
Gomez - cf

I guess Snider should've done more.

Litsch to the DL, Bill Murphy Recalled

The word on Jesse Litsch and his tight forearm is that a trip to the 15-day DL is required, with reliever Bill Murphy-- of Oakland's famed 2002 Moneyball draft class-- making his way north from Las Vegas.

Apparently the Jays picked up Murphy-- who, so far in Vegas, has pitched two innings of shutout relief with three strikeouts-- last March when he was designated for assignment by the Diamondbacks. Last year at Syracuse he put up a 5.32 ERA and 1.68 WHIP in 140 innings (24 of his 32 outings were starts).

As for Litsch, obviously I'm not a doctor, but he was scheduled for an MRI today, and doesn't that always guarantee time off because of the dye they have to inject? (See, maybe having Burnett on the team for those first two years was good for something.) So maybe this news isn't quite so ominous as it may seem on first blush... but what the hell do I know?

With Murphy coming up, it means that the Jays are either going to have to make a move later in the week to bring up someone who can take Litsch's spot in the rotation (assuming they're not dumb enough to see the train-wreck numbers he put up in Syracuse and actually give it to him), or we'll be seeing the left-handed reincarnation of Jim Gott, Brian Tallet, taking the hill as a spot-starter.

Yes, folks, this team is pitching-thin.

UPDATE: Torgen intriguingly points out that Saturday is Brett Cecil's scheduled start for Vegas. Do it!!!

Monday I've Never Done One of These Before

Even though I'm a frequent contributor to Drunk Jays Fans, I still really have no idea about the headings for our round-up posts. I also don't think I've ever been in a situation where more than one sorta news-worthy Jays-related story has been out there longer than two minutes without Stoeten or Parkes commenting on it first. So here goes.

O-Dog has his day

Remember when you first heard Orlando Hudson was going to be traded and you had a minor hissy fit and shit your pants thinking no one could possibly replace him? And then you didn't even recognize his name about five minutes into the next season? Needless to say, I think all Jays fans still have a soft spot for the O-Dog and would greet a visit by him back to the Dome (could happen) with a positive response (unless we were in the World Series in which case we'd curse him and everything he's associated with). His frequently dazzling defensive skills were a treat for all and I always took special delight in his not so frequent barely clearing the wall by an inch dingers. Well, Hudson managed one of those dingers in the Dodgers' home opener against the Padres yesterday. And he also managed to hit a triple. And a double. And a single.

Said the O-Dog about his landmark hit for the cycle:

"I was like, 'Congratulations for what?' ... I had no idea what was going on. ... I was just looking down at the dugout at Mr. Torre to see if he'd give me a little look, so I could tip my cap. ... ... I didn't want to make it all about me, you know, but I didn't want the fans to think I was a jerk."

As anyone who's heard Hudson speak knows, it's hard to know if this is actually what he said. But one thing's for sure, a jerk is the furthest you could get from accurately describing this guy. Congrats O-Dog.

Sportsnet not so connected

We've already written about how nails yesterday was, and thankfully Sportsnet Connected righfully put the highlights of the Jays game at the top of its show. But Jason Portuondo prefaced the story by saying "Because there's no hockey, we start off with the Jays..." Now OK, I know we're all hockey's our national pastime even though it's officially lacrose, but do you have to make an excuse as to why you're leading off with baseball? I'd say being subjected to a sheet of ice for the past six months and the fact you have a game to review that's probably going to be far more exciting than anything we see in the NHL postseason might be reason enough. I might be a little bit biased on this one, though.

And Jason, man, you pulled the Overbay Overwall joke again!

Fun without paint ... or picture

OK, shit, I guess I only have two stories. And neither was particularly news-worthy or Jays-related. But I thought I'd win you over with a picture of Justin Morneau's impressive foul ball grab by the dugout last night where José Morales, in trying to avoid a collision, made a move that made him look a bit like a belly dancer. At least that's what it looked like in slow motion on the replay. And I figured there'd be a pic somewhere out there as proof and fodder for a good chuckle. Turns out I can't find one anywhere. But trust me, it looked hilarious. Use your imagintion. If that's too much of a stretch please accept this poor substitute shot of Rangers starter Vicente Padilla who, after giving up seven runs and 11 hits in four innings work, struck a pose that I imagine would be used to illustrate the opposite of sexy.

Go Jays.

***UPDATE! It's actually fucking Tuesday! Told you I was new to this shit. Baby steps ***

Never A Doubt

Holy fucking awesome.

No, seriously… holy fucking awesome. It’s boners throughout the land, and for—holy fucking awesome—good reason. Here’s some awesome shit that just happened…

The Beej Is Back

OK, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, but BJ Ryan completely erased the memory of Saturday by actually fucking remembering where the strike zone was. (Now if he could only erase the memory of last season.)

Sure, he gave up a couple of hits, but… he threw strikes! Motherfuck the hits, the man threw strikes! Cito showed faith in him, and the Beej delivered. So where Gibbers would be skewered for tempting fate, Cito will be granted a thousand blow jobs by God's own comely daughters. Such is life.

Snidey Senses Tingling

The Great White motherfucking Hope!

A pair of bombs for the Franchise. Sure, there was a bit of a muff in the field early on, but that was when? Last week. Fuck, it was something like that, so honestly, who cares??? HOME FUCKING RUNS!

(And a stolen base!)

Campbell Shouts Out the Internet!

But, of course, not us. And, well… why would he? He probably knew that we’d be shitting down his throat for the shitty, lame, embarrassing, inappropriate caricature of a piss poor impression of the recently deceased Harry Kalas. Ugh.

Enter-motherfucking-tainment

Multiple hits from every starter but Scutaro. Three RBIs from Overbay—yes, Overbay—and pretty much nails games from everywhere. And… a comeback! And Uncle BJ’s Wild Ride!

It’s games like this that make baseball awesome, regardless of whether your team is going to make the playoffs or not. And that exactly what’s been missing for the last two years—apart from the joy of watching Johnny Mac every day in ‘07. Give me a few more heart-racers, and it will make the season a thousand times more bearable than last year’s nightly wrist-slittings. (Provided the Jays keep winning them, that is.)

Awesome Paraphrased Wilnerism

Can someone please beat the shit out of the first caller on JaysTalk tonight? Maybe Wilner said something witty in response to this moron, but I was deafened with rage. Holy fucking twat, die.

Tonight’s Beverage of Choice

If you actually like wine, and can taste the difference between a good wine and a bad wine, a) go fuck yourself, and b) SummerLake Red Maple Cab-Sauv is probably not for you. But if you like the sound of a tetra pack that costs a cool $8.95 for 1L, which means a pair will get you almost 3 bottles worth (most bottles are 750ml) for under twenty bucks, um… boner.

The Bad: The Litsch Is Back … Hurting

Shitty news about Litsch tonight, who left the game with forearm tightness. Or… well, actually it was probably best that he got the hell out of there on this particular occasion, but no, this isn’t good. They Jays have a lot of innings they’re going to need pitched this year, and nobody but Doc can be counted on to be anything resembling a horse (except maybe Shawn Camp—zing!). Guys like Cecil, Mills, Romero and Janssen simply won’t be able to go out and give the Jays 200 innings—so they’ve got to come from somewhere. In that way, an extended injury to Litsch would suck balls, but… well… I know he’s nominally our second starter and everything, but… seriously? It’s Jesse Litsch? It’s not the end of the world. (That’s right, I’m still not a believer.)

Game Threat: Jays (5-2) @ Twinks (3-4)

A sad day for baseball with the passing of both legendary Phillies announcer Harry Kalas-- also the voice of NFL Films-- and one of the game's true characters, former Tigers pitcher Mark Fidrych. I don't really have a great segue from that, so let's just wish their families well, and move on... and then point out that it's really odd to listen to Jerry Howarth interview Cito Gaston with AC/DC's It's A Long Way to the Top if you Wanna Rock and Roll blaring in the background.

Too soon?

Tonight Jesse Litsch hopes to rebound from the trio of mistake pitches that marred his season debut, when he gave up five earned on three home runs in a loss to the Tigers. He faces Twins right-hander Kevin Slowey, with both pitchers sporting tidy 7.50 ERAs here in the early season.

Slowey and Litsch are less than a year apart in age, both starting their third major league seasons, and had surprisingly similar numbers last year: Slowey pitched 160 innings, walking only 24, giving up 22 ding dongs, and putting up a 3.99 ERA with a 1.15 WHIP. Litsch threw 176 innings, walking 39, giving up 20 taters and throwing down a 3.58 ERA with a 1.28 WHIP.

While it's on my mind, does anybody here think Eric Smith has a clue what that Quick X company in those ads he reads on the Fan does? Intermodal transportation? What the fuck?

Oh, and the game is on Hamilton's 820 AM radio-- whatever the fuck that's called.

Toronto Blue Jays

Scutaro - ss
Hill - 2b
Rios - rf
Wells - cf
Lind - dh
Rolen - 3b
Overbay - 1b
Barajas - c
Snider - lf

Minnesota Twins

Span - cf
Casilla - 2b
Morneau - 1b
Kubel - dh
Cuddyer - rf
Buscher - 3b
Young - lf
Morales - c
Punto - ss

Boners Up: DJF 2009 Podcast #2

Yes, it's here. Another edition of the DJF podcast, this time with special guest, former Jays Assistant GM, Bart Given-- currently of Inside The Majors.

And no, the artist's rendition of Troy Hurtubise here does not have anything to do with anything.

As always, you can get the podcast on iTunes, or at TheScore.com.

Musical Accompaniment:

Matt and Kim Yea Yeah, Frightened Rabbit The Twist, Charlatans Just When You're Thinkin' Things Are Over, Blitzen Trapper Furr, Envelopes Sister in Love, Echo and the Bunnymen Nothing Lasts Forever (Even Cold November Rain)

Drunken Product Review: SportSyncRadio (aka The Jamie Campbell Eliminator)

First, man comes up with the wheel, which would lead to some pretty important shit like pizza and transportation. Then, we build a box that displays moving pictures on a screen so we don't have to live our lives anymore. Then, some fucker walks on the moon. Then, we design a sophisticated world wide web in order to get a peak at some titties. You'd think that after that, all the technological breaktrhoughs have already been broken. Until now.

Of the many biases we have, one that never seems to get challenged is the fact that Jerry Howarth and Alan Ashby are nails at calling a Jays game and Jamie Campbell and Tabler/Mullinks/gimp are somewhat less so. And while the latter's commentors can almost ruin a game, given the choice we still tend to opt for the visual broadcast of the game over the audio one just cause our imaginations are too limited to get a proper sense of what's going on. And it's a damn shame to be letting all that Fan 590 gold go to waste while we're being fed ding dongs and knocks from Sportsnet.

We've all dreamed of that utopian wonderland full of peace, easy love and televised Blue Jays games called by Howarth and Ashby. And man has gone through elaborate and commendable lengths to try to get past the four-or-so-second delay time between radio and television in order to make that happen. (Who hasn't tried videotaping the game and then taping the radio broadcast onto two 90 minute audio cassettes and then try to sync them up to watch the game three hours after the fact? Oh, you haven't? Neither have I.) But most of us have accepted our fates to live in a Campbell-commentated world and just make dick jokes about it in order to stay sane. Except for a few brave souls who, like those behind the aforementioned advancements borne out of necessity for our survival, refused to accept mediocrity and managed to make the impossible possible. Introducing: The SportSyncRadio -- The AM/FM Radio With Sports Audio Delay (aka The Jamie Campbell Eliminator).

In the words of its makers:

Now you can turn down the sound on your TV and watch the game while listening to your favorite radio announcers. Radio play-by-play announcers provide the most descriptive, interesting and fun calls of pro or college sports events. But radio signals almost always run several seconds ahead of TV broadcasts which must pass through cable, satellite or HDTV systems. Before, if you tried to listen on the radio and watch on TV, you heard each play called on the radio well in advance of the same action you saw on TV….it took all the fun out of the game. Now, with SportSyncRadio, you can delay the radio audio to exactly match what you're watching.

Put simply for Jays fans:



While today's game may have been a bit of a bummer, watching it with the SportSyncRadio brought me a world of pleasures I dared not dream of. The results were immediate. I may have had both going on though just to give you an idea of how they compare:

1. On Rolen coming kinda close to interfering with Garko's catch of his pop up in the 2nd inning:



"As Scott went up along the first base line, he had the bat in his hand, and then with a backhand flip he flipped it to his dugout but right in front of Garko coming in from first base. ... Would've been interesting to see what would've happened had the bat interfered."



"Rolen gave it a good chuck but it was like a golf ball on the green where it kinda comes back."




2. Following Trevor Crowe's inning-ending strikeout with the bases loaded:





"Fastball got him swinging right down at the knees as Trevor Crowe snaps the bat right over his leg."





"Busted bat for the rookie. Clearly he is frustrated for leaving the bases loaded."





3. On Aaron Hill scoring off Reyes' wild pitch in the 4th.





"And diving in, Aaron had to turn away as that ball came right in towards his helmet."


"I've never liked guys sliding into home head first. You can get your face hurt."


4. On Travis Snider's first ever bunt:




"Travis Snider saw the signs and simply got the job done and that is absolutely key here in the 7th inning."




"And he'll get some high fives on his way back to the dugout. No question there."






5. On Travis Hafner:



"Here's Travis Hafner."





"I remember him being thicker. ... He is a workout warrior. Loves swinging that stick."


6. On a foul ball pulled by Barajas into the a particularly empty part of the stands where camera continues to hold on a fan looking for the ball:




"Well c'mon buddy! There's nobody there! You gotta look for that ball! It's yours!"





"The on-base percentage at .111 for Rod. It has just been tough sledding. Just one walk along the way."




Anybody else notice a disturbing amount of excitement from Cleveland fans towards getting a ball? And not sharing them with kids?


7. On Wells' dinger:



"Wells slams one to deep left field. Back for it goes Crowe. He looks up and there she goes! And the Blue Jays are right back in this ball game."





"And he belts this one deep left field and you can kiss this one goodbye!!!!!!!!!!! And the Blue Jays are right back in this ball game!!!!!!!"



Not so much the call as that voice.


8. On general chit chat:





"Speaking of getting back into the game, Alice Fazooli's is a great place ..."







My neighbour's dog has a four-inch clit."

Nevermind one of those calls might be made up (and ripped off an old Adam Sandler skit) or that it's starting to occur to me that we might be somewhat overly harsh on Campbell -- you can see how the differences add up. And at $39.95, all this can be yours.

The SportSyncRadio is remarkably fucking accessible. You turn it on and flip the dial to the signal you want (just like a real radio!) and then you sync it up to the televised broadcast. Now this might take a while -- your best bet is to listen for hits or match it up to the PA announcer -- but once you've got it locked, you're in Seventh Heaven. I can only say that the three games I've watched with the SportSyncRadio have been nails and slightly surreal (the audio from radio commercials to television ads is a bonus for stoners). And you know we wouldn't be pushing you a subpar product, look at our track record and you'll see we've only supported quality such as McDonalds and the latest Nickelback album.

Game Threat - April 12, 2009: Native Americans (Fucking Suck) vs. Blue Jays (Fucking Awesome)

So, uh, I heard the best thing last night from this old atheist who ended up marrying a devout Catholic. Someone asked him how he dealt with religion through his marriage. He replied, quite matter of factly, "Well, one Sunday, we wouldn't go to her church. The next Sunday, we wouldn't go to mine."

Old people with an air of dignity are pretty fucking awesome. And as much as I remain convinced that Cito Gaston is not a good baseball manager, I'm quite happy to watch him at the helm of the Jays during this early season success.

Anyway, the Blue Jays finish their series in Shit Hole, Ohio today against the Native Americans, and am I the only one who, entering this series, would've been thrilled just to win it, but now, with Anthony Reyes taking the mound for Cleveland today, I'll be kind of upset if the Jays don't sweep this thing.

David Purcey will toss his ginger fury for the Jays.

Toronto Blue Jays

Scutaro - SS
Hill - 2B
Rios - RF
Wells - CF
Lind - DH
Rolen - 3B
Overbay - 1B
Barajas - C
Snider - LF

Cleveland Indians

Sizemore - CF
DeRosa - 3B
Martinez - 1B
Hafner - DH
Peralta - SS
Choo - RF
Garko - 1B
Crowe - LF
Cabrera - 2B

Uncle BJ's Wild Ride

Ugh. I really wanted to make this post about Doc eating pukes like Cliff Lee for breakfast, but then the fucking Beej had to go out and shove his dick in the cage of the reactionary pantloads that follow the team by once again shitting the bed and almost costing the team a win.

Now look, I'm as concerned about the Beej as anybody else, but holy simmer the fucking fuck down. Sure, the Beej's first couple of outings have been total clusterfucks. But there are, believe it or not, several positives: his velocity is a lot higher than was being reported in the spring, and his command against Detroit, apart from the one bad pitch to Inge, was generally quite decent (though today... not so much).

Obviously the Inge homer is a giant problem that can't be overlooked or excused, nor can today's absolute mess of an outing, even if maybe the cold (5.5 C at game time) had something to do with it?

Yes, right now the Beej-- who, WTFF?, has a namesake in this fucked up story about someone's Sims game-- is obviously not where the Jays need him to be. He's a work in progress-- new elbow ligaments will do that. But here in our comments we've already got people playing doctor and questioning whether he'll ever be the same again, talking about putting him on the DL or sending him to the minors, writing off the DP ball to Shoppach as just luck, willfully ignoring anything positive in the last few weeks, and basically running around like reactionary chickens with their heads cut off.

Hopefully the Jays have more sense than these people, and keep letting the Beej go out there until they see whether he truly can't throw with the velocity he's finally found, while still commanding those pitches-- because, I'm sorry, right now it's only been one outing (plus one pitch) to indicate that maybe he can't.

And I know what you're probably thinking about that last statement, but if you want to lump this outing in with BJ's shit spring, when his velocity was down, to me, I don't think you're talking about the same pitcher-- and you're probably just trying to drive yourself nuts being a panicky idiot. The Beej has made strides since then. You have to acknowledge that.

Obviously the best thing for the Jays would be for the Beej to be back to his old self, and in the closer's role, as quickly as possible. Now, it may cost a couple games, or a couple of heart attacks, in the short term, but if Ryan can get himself right, in the majors, as the closer, it's going to be a whole lot better for the team, in the long run, than if the Jays prematurely throw a giant setback at him. Do you not lose more by not having him miss an extended period than by giving him another chance or two to blow it? So if you send him to Florida and make him work his way back, to me, you'd better be damn sure it's your last resort.

Now, I'm definitely not saying you can't demote the guy, I'm just saying that we all need to simmer down and not start running around and burning Cito in effigy if he actually decides to show confidence in a guy who's had a couple of brutal outings.

Yeah, I probably (definitely) wouldn't give this much rope to a Frasor or a Tallet, and true, another outing like today's and my opinion probably does a 180, but you can have a shaky last year, a shit spring, a shit outing, and throw a shit pitch to Brandon Inge, and still not be ready to be bailed on. So let's just let this play out and not start wishing Ryan would just disappear for a couple months when maybe he can find himself while he's here.

Game Threat - April 11, 2009: Native Americans (0-4) vs. Blue Jays (4-1) -- Woo!

Alright, we made it through the rest of the pitching rotation with surprisingly awesome results. And when our pitching wasn't quite up to snuff, the Jays' bats fucking nailed it. I don't know about you guys but I didn't quite expect that kind of finish in yesterday's excellent 13-7 victory. Frankly, I didn't expect that fucker to even finish.

This afternoon the batters take a much-needed break as Halladay takes the mound for his second start. Nevermind the one hairy inning from home opener, the Doc always fucking delivers and you know he's not going to let a 6.43 ERA stand.

I don't want to be one of those guys who was hoping for a 162-0 season, but I don't think it's too much of a stretch to be expecting a 157-5 record from this team.

PLAYOFFS!

(Probable lineups)

Toronto Blue Jays

Scutaro - SS
Hill - 2B
Rios - RF
Wells - CF
Lind - DH
Rolen - 3B
Millar - 1B
Barajas - C
Bautista - LF

Cleveland Indians

Sizemore - CF
DeRosa - 3B
Martinez - 1B
Choo - RF
Peralta - SS
Garko - DH
Shoppach - C
Francisco - LF
Cabrera - 2B

Lee - Fish in a barrell

7 Hours 12 Minutes of Baseball I Did Not Hear or Watch

OK, so you may be asking yourself, why is this asshole going to write about a game he didn't watch? I don't really have an answer to that, but fuck it, I'm doing it anyway.

First off, I'd like to say, it really warms my heart to know there are cheap cunts out there in ownership to rival the fucks at Rogers-- and no, I'm not talking about the Yankees and their latest cash-grabbing lying douchebaggery. I mean the Indians Cleveland Baseball Team, who, according to the small part of the rain delay I was able to listen to, were probably begging behind the scenes to keep today's game from being cancelled, because they didn't want to fuck up the one truly large gate of the season by sending their home opener crowd home. Not that I'm complaining, of course, given the bonerrific outcome.

Oh, and yes, why was it that I was only able to listen to a portion of the rain delay show?

Let's see... I missed the first part of the game because I was at a family dinner, and then they were in a rain delay, and then I got in a car for a three hour trip and... oh yeah, the Fan 590 switched to a goddamn meaningless Raptors game at 8 o'cocksuckers.

Nah, don't bother to commandeer one of those other stations like the Jays get exiled to when their schedule conflicts with the precious fucking shitbag Raptors-- a team that you don't even own!!! Just... well... you know those Jays fans in the GTA who are waiting patiently by their radios for the game to resume? Fuck 'em.

Eh, dicks? April baseball in Cleveland-- who needs a contingency for a lengthy rain delay?

Jesus Christ, fans who weren't already so beaten down by Rogers' shit show of a stewardship would be fucking exploding with rage here. Not only for that, but for the lack of TV coverage early in the season, both here and in different regions of the country. I mean, how often have we heard that the more the team is supported, the more money Rogers will be willing to put into them. And then they go and cut that support off at the balls?!?!?

I would consider this kind of bullshit a slap in the face to every fan if I didn't honestly think that the people making the calls here are actually seriously fucking morons who just don't know any better.

So yeah, got home, game was still going, but fuck it. I couldn't be bothered.

On the mini Wilner radio I had in the car (heading east from the city, mind you) I picked up a Buffalo Bisons game, I listened to the last couple of innings of an Altoona Curve broadcast, where they lost to the Erie SeaWolves. For a while I even heard a bit of the Washington Nationals on AM 1500 out of D.C. ... But no Indians broadcast in range, and certainly no Jays broadcast, because stations like 980 KRUZ in Peterborough can't be bothered with them anymore, and evidently the folks down at the twelve separate Rogers divisions that have a hand in the Jays' cookie jar have their heads too far up their own asses to understand how this might be a problem.

The Game

PLAYOFFS!

Tomorrow

I'm putting the over/under on the number of times Cliff Lee shits himself in bed tonight at 3.

Game Threat - April 10, 2009: Native Americans (0-3) vs. Blue Jays (3-1)

Happy Good Friday everybody.  I'm a little short on time because I just got into the city and I'm supposed to meet up with twelve of my closest friends for a big supper tonight, and when you roll with my crew, you have no idea where the night can take you.  My one buddy said he had quite the surprise for me later tonight.

Anywho, the Jays first road game of the year finds them at Progressive Field in Shit Hole, Ohio where a river once literally caught fire.  Let's hope that the middle of the Jays lineup finally catches fire tonight.  (Hat Tip: Mike Toth school of journalism.) Oh, and I'm not talking about you, Adam Lind.

Seriously though folks, despite a sweep at the hands of the Texas Rangers to open the year, and the fact that they still employ Ryan Garko, the Clevelands aren't complete shit.  Their lineup has the potential to bash with the best of them . . . if them refers to the shit show that is the AL Central.

Today, the Jays will face hometown hero Scott Lewis in only his fifth Major League start (all victories because we know that's important).  For the good guys, Scott Richmond makes his sixth Major League start (not all victories because we know he's just not that good).  Neither starter exactly set the world on fire during Spring Training, but we've officially hit the fan now. The official over/under for today's game is 137.5.

Go Jays!

Probable Lineups (I'll fill in the official ones later):

Toronto Blue Jays

Scutaro - SS

Hill - 2B

Rios - RF

Wells - CF

Lind - DH

Rolen - 3B

Overbay - 1B

Barajas - C

Snider - LF

Cleveland Indians

Sizemore - CF

DeRosa - 3B

Martinez - 1B

Hafner - DH

Peralta - SS

Francisco - LF

Shoppach - C

Crowe - RF

Cabrera - 2B

Romero Wins, WWJP Ends

Romero Out-Duels Porcello in "Double Debut"

Really never thought I would be writing that heading, but there it is. Of course, it's only one start in what-- we can only hope-- are long careers, but with all the hype and money thrown at Porcello since he was drafted by the Tigers, it's a little awesome to see a prematurely-presumed bust like Romero going six strong, allowing only two runs on seven hits with five strikeouts for his first win.

Porcello looked good, but was undeniably the lesser pitcher this afternoon-- five innings, four earned on eight hits-- though both pitchers guys some great stuff. Obviously, giant boners everywhere for the fact that Romero was, for the most part, able to command his.

Offence From Where?

Only one RBI from the Jays' three and four hitters so far, but obviously that has mattered not. I'm sure that fact makes some people groan, but um... it's awesome. Rios and Wells will hit-- and actually, Wells has a pair of doubles so far, one of which was only a couple feet from going out-- so it's kind of nails to see more production coming from Lind, Hill and Snider, and Overbay looking decent at the plate for the first time since the first inning of game one.

And fundamentals! Outstanding watching Bautista break up a double play, and Alex Rios actually fucking hit the cut-off man on the play where Hill nailed Santiago at the plate. I don't have the numbers in front of me, so I could be way off, but to me, these sorts of things weren't exactly hallmarks of John Gibbons teams.

No More Wednesdays With JP?!?

In news that's sure to please Adam Dunn, Paul Beeston, and anybody who doesn't mind sacrificing the fans' one conduit to the GM for the security of knowing he has one less way to shoot off his mouth and fuck up potential free agent signings, JP Ricciardi will no longer be joining Wilner after Wednesday night games to take calls.

WWJP made it clear that the guy was accountable to the fans, and unwilling to back down in the face of (usually tepid) criticism. Does the fact that it won't continue change that? Maybe. Not really. I mean, it's kind of pussy, but really, the best part of the show was when JP said something he shouldn't, so I can kind of understand the move here. Lame, though-- I mean, how about, I dunno... self restraint?

This Afternoon's Beverage of Choice

Um... I'm at work, and while my job and workplace are awesome, um, booze is still frowned upon. So water. And Flavia coffee-- if they can really call it that. (If your office has a Flavia machine, I reckon you know what I mean.)

Day Man: Fighter of the Night Man, Champion of the Sun

Officially they're saying over 15,000 showed up today, compared to last night's 12,000 and 16,000 the night before.

How in the fuck is it possible that the smallest crowd of the series was the night game with booze readily available, and not the fucking dry game or the weekday afternoon one? I know, I know, there were school kids there today or something, and the $1 hot dogs and $5 tickets brought 'em out on Tuesday, but still... seriously... am I the only one confused by this? (Better question: am I the only one who cares? I am, aren't I?)

Game Threat - April 9th, 2009: Jays (2-1) vs. Tigers (1-2)

Sad news about the death of Angels pitcher Nick Adenhart this morning in a hit-and-run accident. One highly touted prospect's life and career cut short, while another two begin their careers this afternoon in a rare "double debut". The Jays' left-hander Ricky Romero squares off against Tigers righty Rick Porcello, in the first ever "double debut" of first round draft picks. Romero went 6th in 2005, while Porcello went 27th in 2007-- though he dropped considerably due to his agent, Scott Boras, and his demands.

Detroit Tigers

Granderson - cf
Thames - lf
Ordonez - rf
Cabrera - 1b
Guillen - dh
Inge - 3b
Treanor - c
Santiago - ss
Everett - 2b

Toronto Blue Jays

Scutaro - ss
Hill - 2b
Rios - rf
Wells - cf
Lind - dh
Bautista - 3b
Overbay - 1b
Barrett - c
Snider - lf

Turd Game

The Game

Hey, you want to know how not to show a Liverpool-fan Dubliner, who’s just watched his club shit the bed at home against fucking Chelsea, a good time when he’s only been in Canada for about two weeks and doesn’t have a clue what the fuck is going on during a baseball game?

Try showing up late when fuck all happens except the goddamn Tigers scratching out a couple runs (what, was there a homer?) beyond the third inning.

Actually, he will pretty much have the time of his life, but that won’t stop you from feeling kinda like shit for bringing him… until you ride your bike to McDonalds twenty minutes too late, knock at the door until you’re told that they can’t let you in, and then go to the drive-thru on your bike, and get belligerent until they tell you they’ll fucking serve you if you just fucking shut up already. Bike-thru!!!

No, Really… The Game

Oh? Did they play a baseball game tonight? All I thought I saw was a bunch of guys in white shitting down my fucking throat!!!

Zach Miner?!? Zach fucking Miner???

I’m sorry, but the ghost of John Gibbons really shat the bed tonight.

Booze Bullshit

Holy Christ, I understand that my Irish friend’s driver’s licence looks like a fucking pamphlet, but I haven’t been so seriously I.D.’d in four fucking years.

I understand that Aramark doesn’t want to have revenue-less nights like Tuesday’s dry bullshit, but… um… I’m obviously over 18, I had a fucking birth certificate, I had a bunch of other shit, so what if my driver’s licence is a little (OK, a lot) fucked up?

Here’s a tip: instead of having your employees wasting their own time, and that of people who are obviously of age, but don’t have ideal I.D., why the fucking fuck not concentrate on people who look remotely close to 18. Servers are going to get bored of this level of scrutiny way faster than if they only did it for the fraction of fans who actually appear like they might be pulling a fast one.

Last Night's Beverages of Choice

Plenty of Bud and 50, and a Caesar, which apparently tastes like "cold pasta sauce".

Quickly

Apparently the first Canadian location of Quaker Steak and Lube wasn't enough to bring anybody out to the Rogers Centre. The crowd last night was pretty fucking lame-- not that the Jays' impression of their 2008 incarnation gave anybody anything to cheer for-- and hardly the 12,000+ it was announced to be.

Thanks to REAN in the comments of last night's game threat-- new name, thanks typos!-- we can look in on a strangely familiar debate that's going on in Chicago.

Ken Fidlin looks into the possibility of maximizing Doc's starts before the All-Star break, by bumping his starts up in a couple of places.

Game Thread - April 8, 2009: Jays (2-0) vs. Tigers (0-2)

Alright, here it is, our very first game thread-- because it turns out, nobody gives as much of a shit about Matt Bush conspiracy theories as the number of comments on the post below would indicate.

Jesse Litsch makes his season debut tonight against the Tigers' Zach Miner. Here are the lineups:

Detroit Tigers

Granderson - cf
Polanco - 2b
Ordonez - dh
Cabrera - 1b
Guillen - lf
Laird - c
Inge - 3b
Santiago - ss
Anderson - rf

Toronto Blue Jays

Scutaro - ss
Hill - 2b
Rios - rf
Wells - cf
Lind - dh
Rolen - 3b
Overbay - 1b
Barajas - c
Snider - lf

Dry Socket: The View From The Seats I Stole

The Game

A few moments of awesomeness in what, for seven innings, looked like it was going to be a carbon copy of what seemed like 70% of the Jays games last season. It was great to see Aaron Hill hit a game-tying three run, um... shot that scraped the top of the wall as it went over, and might have been hauled in by someone slightly more athletic than Carlos Guillen-- if such a super-human creation were possible, that is. Then there was a nice nine-pitch at-bat for Adam Lind that resulted in a walk that started the ninth-inning rally. Scott Rolen kept on looking like the Greatest Blue Jay of All Time (remember that? Yeah, I know it's only two games-- but the spring too, don't forget), and I'll take that for as long as I can get it. And Cito didn't pinch hit for Barajas in the ninth, who totally came through with a sac fly. In Rod We Trust! PLAYOFFS!

Cito

This bit of awesomeness was just now pointed out to me: Cito Gaston is older than Jim Leyland.

What the fuck? If that's not the best anti-smoking ad I've ever heard, then I don't know how to finish this sentence. Seriously, just show Cito motoring out to second base last night to make umpire Chris Guccione his bitch, then cut to Leyland shuffling out to pull a pitcher, and then maybe fade to a shot of a diseased lung. Fuck, just the thought of it makes me want to start smoking, so that I could see such a gem of a commercial and then switch cold turkey straight to nothing but snus.

The Beej

A lot of commentary on what was up with the Beej, and I've got to say, he really didn't look that bad. Last year he was typically at 88-89 mph, the year before it was consistently 91, and last night he was 86-87, and once touched 89, if I recall. Yeah, he gave up a bomb to Inge, but other than that, I actually thought he looked way less shaky than a lot of outings last year.

Non-Stop Heckling Idiots

Parkes already addressed this, but holy effing fuck, I will take the din of 40,000 drunks any day of the week compared to the geniuses behind us last night. I understand wanting to be vocal at the game-- not while sober, mind you, but still, I guess I get it-- but when the best the two of you can come up with is shouting "oh yeah!" after every strike, or riffing on Rod Barajas' name (brouhaha?), can you please just spare us the noise and blow each other already. Good God, I feel dumber for having sat through it.

Seat Stealing '09

I'm not going to lie to you: Parkes and the Danimal were acting like real Sallies when it came to our usual method of sitting wherever the hell we want-- because apparently at the end of last year, there were a few games where security threw a wrench in their plans. I wasn't aware of this-- because who could have possibly went to watch that fucking shit show at the end of last year?-- but I'm happy to report that we experienced no problems.

Ahh, Griff...

How pissed must Griffin have been when the Jays came back last night. Here's a fun game: check out his piece in this morning's Star and guess how early in the evening the bulk of it was composed.

Oh, I know, game stories are worked on throughout the game, but it's just funny how the pissy tone remains, despite, you know, the thrilling come from behind win.

Last Night's Beverage of Choice

Obviously, while at the game, nothing. Er... well, maybe it's not so obvious, since I frequently sneak booze in, but last night I went with the flow-- meaning, the lack thereof. But we did have a little incident at Gabby's on King, who sell $4.50 tallboys (tax incl.) on Tuesdays, but mysteriously wouldn't let us order second ones, because they didn't have any that were cold-- they were chilling them as we spoke. Then, when Parkes insisted he'd brave the warm can Canadian, they gave him one that was totally fine. WTF? Is there a bar between King and the Dome that isn't a fucking shithole or a blatant overpriced tourist trap-- because I have yet to find it.

Awesome Paraphrased Wilnerism

This is actually from the opening day edition of JaysTalk, but just because I'm a day late doesn't mean it's not worthwhile to share Wilner's view that "There's nothing wrong with enjoying a season-opening pounding ... of the opposition, that is." Mmm hmm.

Hang On, There Were $1 Hot Dogs???

Fuck! How did I not know about this? I spent most of the trip home after last night's game deciding on whether to spring for a McGangbang, or just eating the shitty leftover pizza I had in the fridge at home. Then I get back and find out that I could have been stuffing myself rotten on reconstituted chicken parts. Bullshit! Well... kind of bullshit. But actually... yeah, I guess it's not such a huge loss.

Still, just so nobody makes the same tragic error I did, during the Jays Messin' With Recession (ugh) value games, you can score yourself up to four $1 hot dogs per concession stand visit. Um... enjoy?

Aaron Hill Plays Second Base For The Toronto Blue Jays

I know it's early in the year, and I know at some point this season the Jays will go on an extended losing streak, and I know I'll look back on this post and I know I'll think I'm an idiot, but . . . .

. . . . Holy fucking shit there's a lot to like about the 2009 Toronto Blue Jays, and there's a lot to cheer about. They have a rag taggedness to them that accounts for the young players looking to make a difference and the veterans, almost all of whom have had disappointing seasons over the last couple of years.

Going through the entire lineup, every player is either hoping to bounce back or prove that they've got what it takes. Rod Barajas was released from the Phillies two years ago, Lyle Overbay hasn't been right since his wrist injury, Marco Scutaro has never been a starter before, Scott Rolen has had numerous injury problems, Alex Rios couldn't find the home run power he had in the early part of 2007, Vernon Wells and his recent injuries have been well documented, while Travis Snider and Adam Lind want to be the next big thing.

Of course, this leaves us with Aaron Hill. After last year's concussion, there were more than just whispers that he may never be the same player again, and while that technically remains to be seen, last night was his Welcome Back party.

In addition to knocking in the go ahead runs in the eighth inning of the Jays 5-4 win over the Tigers, Hill made at least two quality defensive plays that saved hits and maybe more for David Purcey and B.J. Ryan.

The Good

Aside from Hill, Purcey pitched fairly well. While it may have been far from the dominating performance that Edwin Jackson turned in for Detroit (even I felt a little sorry for him when it all unravelled on Brandon Lyon in the eighth . . . and ninth), he managed to control most of the counts he fell behind in, sometimes due to a tough strike zone, and was very effective overall.

I know I have a reputation for picking on Gaston, but I don't think I was the only one in the stadium surprised to see him still pitching in the seventh, his pitch count around 90, and no one even warming up in the bullpen, especially considering that the two previous innings saw a large drop off in his pitches for strikes.

Despite this, I have to give props to Cito for being on the field like a bullet on a questionable called force out in the eighth. He spoke his piece to the umpire in charge, and the romantic in me would like to think that that charged up the team.

The Bad

I don't know if it was my own nerves, but B.J. Ryan didn't exactly seem confident coming out of the bullpen in the ninth. As supportive as the crowd was after the first batter struck out, that home run he gave up to Brandon Inge was . . . well, it was bad, but nearly as bad as the anxious sweat pouring out of Ryan on the mound.

The Ugly

A dry game isn't going to be very much fun for multiple reasons, but there's one factor I didn't anticipate. Normally, at a ballgame the drunks out yell the retards. With no drunks, the retards are allowed to run rampant as experienced last night when two no-wait-are-they-really-retardeds started heckling in our section.

I know it was way past your bedtime, but seriously, is this really the best way to express yourself?

Conspiracy Theory #32

In the search for answers to exactly who the fucking idiot was that threw baseballs from the 200 level at Rogers Centre last night, a new theory has surfaced in our very own comments section.

Could it be more than a coincidence that a former Blue Jay, recently released from the team unceremoniously also has a history of chucking baseballs at targets of revenge?

Does anyone know the whereabouts of Matt Fucking Bush last night? Would it have even been possible for him to enter the country?

Sober Reflections

OK, so, as I've updated... I might have been a little tipsy when I threw together that Pulitzer-worthy effort sometime between, say, 3:30 in the morning and whenever I passed out in a chair. And as I mentioned in the update, my vantage wasn't ideal for spotting the two baseballs that some clown hurled at Tigers LF Josh Anderson-- and by the way... who???-- one of which came really close to his head, I'm told. Or, you know, all the other shit that wasn't paper that was raining down from the stands. Plenty of others have already called these people fucking embarrassments, and I'm obviously going to have to come down on the side of sanity on this one, and leave it at that.

Except to wonder, again, why the hell it took so long for anyone to explain what the fuck was going on. (And, subsequently, to wonder why the hell the sound is so shitty in certain areas of the Rogers Centre-- the announcement that was eventually made was a garbled mess from where I sat.)

And let's not completely write off what I wrote in the first post, because I stand by my shitting on Aramark for charging $10 even for draught beer. Way to not give a tenth of a shit about your employees. Hopefully people actually make the effort to tip the folks serving them, even though it's already a slap in the face to have to pay that much for a beer. (And... um... go try and tell me again how the outrageous prices keep the crowd from becoming a drunken menace.)

Beyond that nonsense, I actually found the game pretty uneventful. There were a couple of waves that I gave the finger to, but the Jays had such a cushion early on that my heart wasn't really in it. I continue to think the wave is beyond retarded, but as long as idiots aren't blocking my view during a crucial situation in the game, it's hard to get overly pissed, even for me.

Oh, but there is one angle of the infamous bottom of the eighth that has yet to be covered: Aaron Hill!

In case, like me, you were too drunk by then to focus your eyes, it says here that Hill followed up Marco Scutaro's leadoff walk with his first hit since going 2-for-3 with 2 RBIs and 2 walks last May 29th. Hill also had a sac fly in the fourth for his first RBI in ten months. Hey! That's kinda fucking awesome.

Now, as a bonus, wait for the second set of highlights from this YouTube clip that Big League Stew posted (via NESW Sports)-- George Bell's three bombs from opening day '88-- and ask yourself... how the fuck has Chris Berman been able to get away with being so impossibly fucking annoying for this long?

Emerson Youngens

So, apparently amidst all the drunken debauchery last night, a baseball game was played.

My eye for detail may have been clouded by the ten or eleven beverages I consumed, but nonetheless a few things stand out from Adam Lind and Travis Snider's rout of the Tigers last night.

The Good

While it was disappointing to see Brandon League get into trouble in the eighth, how fucking awesome was Scott Downs coming to his rescue and using exactly one pitch to induce a pop up that got them out of the jam.

There were also a couple of hard hit home runs from Snider and Lind (way to go Cito!).

Was anyone else in the entire stadium expecting to see Marco Scutaro tag up on that shallow fly in the fourth? Awesome!

The Bad

It's pretty hard to say shit about shit when everyone gets a hit, they rack up a dozen runs and the starting pitcher has a two-hitter going up until the seventh inning.

The Ugly

We've already talked about the ugliest part of last night, but on the way out of the game I had to dodge traffic on Bremner to wave down a taxi that refused to take us up to Bathurst and Dundas. I'm normally on the side of taxi drivers, but it was so maddeningly stupid trying to explain to him that it was a worthy fare, like trying to use reason in an argument with your girlfriend.

Anyway, mid-argument, some pecker and his party hops in the backseat condescendingly saying, "Sorry bud, the driver has spoken."

Then, I hollered back, "Too bad you'll never speak again," as I grabbed his head and smashed out the rear window with it before using a large bloody shard of glass to cut open his neck and remove his larynx.

Actually, I just stood there in shock, amazed at my own powerlessness. It was a humble feeling.

A little love please?

So aside from some idiots in the stands at the Rogers Centre, I think we'd all agree that last night's game was pretty fantastic. Not only did the Jays look phenomenal out there, baseball's back!

Now I don't know about you guys but I could kinda, you know, maybe watch another one? Call me a crazy obsessed fanatic but I'll admit that I might be in the mood to follow up last night's game with another one as soon as tonight.

I know what you're thinking: Fuck off, Bergkamp! You just watched three hours of God's gift to sports last night! Watching any more would just be insane. After six months without baseball we finally give you one game and you want more? We all know you're just kidding around or delirious and really what you'd like is your hockey back so we'll just go ahead and show you the Leafs-Devils game tonight.

If that is what you're thinking then you must be one of those geniuses making the big decisions at Rogers. Tonight's game will only be shown on everyone's favourite: Rogers Preview Channel. Looks like I'll be hitting a game before the dome opens after all. Won't be so bad. I imagine it'll be a smaller crowd out tonight and the hooligans will stay at home and I can just grab a cold one and enjoy ... Oh for fuck's sake! Thanks a fucking lot Rogers!

Guess we're hitting the bars tonight. Or I might just spend a quiet night in with my Reba records.

It was fun while it lasted.

You Give Drunks A Bad Name

I seriously thought that running out onto the field was the stupidest thing you could do at a baseball game. Then last year proved that fighting in the stands over . . . um, over . . . over stuff was the goddamn most idiotic thing in the universe.

But wait. Way to fucking go Toronto. You started throwing baseballs at opposing players on opening day. You fucking morons make me sick in my own hungover vomit.

Why the fuck can't you pussy little idiots get drunk like grown men. Take my friends and I as examples: we got fucking wasted. But instead of being supreme dickheads of the universe, we made friends with the people in front of us, cheered wildly and enthusiastically for the Blue Jays, danced a little drunkenly, and made fun of the terrible edit/acting job in the Beeston/Smitherman promo that played.

Fucking grow up children.

Even more aggravating, from one of our commenters:

While the game was great, I actually spent a bit of cash so I could take my Mom and Dad and girlfriend. Yeah whatever, I'm playing the family card, but it was nice to take my pops to a game you know? Opening day = son of the year?

Whatever, at the end of the game, what should have been a wicked memory of an outstanding win on opening day, was ruined by the greasy cunt- cheese-eating troglodyte who tossed his half full bottle of Sprite off the 500 level hitting my Mom in the head and soaking her with whatever was in the bottle. I was so ashamed. She doesn't even like baseball all that much but was having a great time until that.

Way to go shit heads. Way to be a shit in the cuts of other people! You're all officially the reason that God doesn't talk to us anymore.

Paper Tigers

UPDATE: Clearly drunk when I wrote this, and missing a lot of details of what was being thrown, and who made the call to pull the team off the field. So... y'know... mulligan.


Seriously?

Your fucking team is from fucking Detroit and yet, you can't deal with a couple of paper airplanes thrown on the field? If that's the fucking worst a hostile crowd can give you, thank you lucky stars you fucking idiots. Honestly, to me, it looked like the Tigers were being absolute shit sports. "Oh, we're getting the shit kicked out of us, so why not try to force a forfeit by acting like we're such pussies that a couple of fucking paper airplanes are scaring the motherfucking shit out of us." Pa-thetic. I might have had an ounce of sympathy if I felt for a goddamn second like the crowd at the Rogers Centre tonight was remotely aggressive against the pussy Tigers, apart from the typical empty-threat horseshit and/or the wave, which... well... seriously... can we just fucking stop the wave... idiots!... I mean, it's not like Clint wearing makeup like a fucking tool, but still... it's fucking dumb ... and... well... if that's a fucking crowd you have to hunker down in the dugout to desperately avoid, you are prety much as fucking depressing as your city's economy. So... y'know... ouch.

And, hey, Rogers idiots. Or Aramark idiots. Um... if you charge $10 even-- say, for a pint of beer on the 200 Level concourse somewhere-- what do you think people are going to tip your servers, idiots? It makes it such a pain in the ass to find a tip-- and so easy to not find one-- that a lot of people will simply avoid it on the concept of keeping uniform bills (i.e. they're cheap). Ugh.

Oh, also... PLAYOFFS!

Game on! (Not that game! Our game! Or wait, not "our game" but the one we like more than hockey. Fuck, you know what I mean)

When Sportsnet Connected designates the Toronto Blue Jays as their first story -- following a recap of all of last night's hockey games -- then you know it can only mean one thing: Home fucking opener.

You can feel it in the -3 degree air and the snow falling from the sky: Spring is finally here.

And that calls for: A fucking pathetic attempt to try to create some drama in the opening lines of this post.

For one day of the year, the Rogers Centre sees a turnout that hearkens back to the packed crowds it saw on a regular basis back in the ass-kicking years.

And if you're like me, you just can't fucking wait to join in on all the excitement and finally vent all those months of anticipation by watching this game while lying on the couch eating corn chips Doritos and masturbating um, watching the game.

So whether you want to join in on the curmudgeonerie or if you have a more valid excuse such as not living in Toronto or not having cable, a radio or sense of hearing, I'll be live blogging this bitch tonight. If my home computer is even half as slow (or twice as fast?) as it was the last time I did this, be prepared for the kind of inaccuracies and inconsistencies that'll make you feel like you're watching an entirely different game -- or sport for that matter -- then the one 40,000 fans will see tonight.

It's going to be great. Go Jays.



Pre-game shit

Anybody watching this? Sportsnet opened with a big rise-from-the-ashes type story. I got so inspired. Then realized that probably every team that's in the shitter are probably getting the same treatment from their local media. But fuck that, I'm not starting this one on a cynical note. I'm fucking stoked!

Shiiiiit. My computer is fucking slow. This is going to be painful. Maybe I should've gone to the game. People look like they're having fun there.

Yeah, this is going to be bad. My live blog that is.

Hockey updates? FUCK OFF! Give us this one day! Please! Fuck, the sight of ice is totally killing my buzz. Nevermind that it's snowing outside.

Alright, almost gametime. I got my beer, cooked myself up some ho fun noodles and it's snowing outside. This is kinda surreal.

This hightlight reel from last year is making me wonder how on earth we didn't make postseason. We were fucking awesome! Guess they might be excluding some games.

According to Campbell and Tabler, opening day is like being a kid at Christmas. Tabler adds: You open the gift and you that freshness. Don't want to know what kind of presents are going round at the Tabler home.

Anybody else notice Frasor's reaction when his name was called out? I can't tell if he was blown away by the crowd reaction or disappointed.

Anybody else notice Rios trying to pick up that fat chick in the dugout before he was announced?

Man, I am totally picking up the CD by this quartet tomorrow!

Anonymous, good call on the NBA-like treatment for announcing the lineups on home opener. That's always the part of the season that reminds me the least of baseball.

ANYONE OUT THERE WHO CAN HELP THE POOR SOULS OUT THERE WHO CAN'T WATCH THIS WITH A USEFUL LINK?

Travis Snider is one cool mutherfucker. I know they've been going on and on about the maturity he's shown and that he's ready for the big leagues, but anyone else predicting a huge coke-hooker binge around the corner?

Let's fucking do this!

1st fucking inning!

First fucking pitch!

First fucking ball!

First fucking strike!

OK, that's going to be hard to keep up. Alright, a walk to Granderson. Well, there goes the season.

Double play! Hopes for season restored!

Man, is Ordonez ever going to get a haircut?

Alright, after issuing the walk, the Doc looks back to his old self. Fuck this is awesome!

Bottom of the 1st

Alright, you gotta be excited about our hitting this season cause, well, you just have to or otherwise we're fucked.

Anyone else a bit surprised to see Scutaro leading off?

Good at bat by Scutaro but yeah, that was a fucking strike. Unlucky.

Many thanks to Anonymous trying to help those poor souls out there watch the game.

Hill comes out swinging. It's good to see him again. But Campbell seems REALLY happy to see him again.

Hill thrown out but looking aggressive in first at bat. All good.

That's it, good eye from Rios. We're on base.

Wells up to bat. I brought this up in the podcast but anyone else just hoping that he can be his all-star self and not just that we can move the guy?

Wells! Fuck yes! Opens the season with a double to left. Awesome. Worth every penny.

Runners on 3rd and 2nd and ump makes a terrible call on the first pitch to Lind. Do it!

Oh man! LIND! Brings in Rios and Wells with a double! We're up 2-0! PLAYOFFS!

Rolen gets hit and we've got runners at 1st and 2nd. Anyone else still feeling with the love for Rolen?

Fucking A! Lind and Rolen in on a double by Over-my-fucking-wrist-injury-bay!

Barajas out on a pop to centre but we're up 4-0! Perhaps the new philosophy in order not to leave base runners stranded with less than two outs is to not have anyone on base until there's two outs. There's an intangible for you.

Top of the 2nd

Hill looking like his gold-glove worthy self getting Cabrera out on that play.

Overbay plays a ground ball over to 1st and it's two away.

And Rios makes a fine catch at the wall. Fuck, this is almost like watching that highlight reel from last year! Heyo! Everything's looking good. Except for that bizarro hickey Thom noticed on Scutaro's neck.

Bottom of the 2nd

SNIDER! The future is now. Can't believe I just wrote that.

Scutaro's second strikeout of the night. C'mon dude, you're the MVP!

And Hill strikes out as well. I know I got nothing to complain about here but still, seeing Snider's leadoff double with no outs go to waste would bring up bad memories.

And Rios hits right to Ordonez and we're done.

Top of the 3rd

Inge gets singed! ... Yeah, Campbell affects the mind and the soul.

Oh man, Sniderman (stolen from the coments) makes a diving effort for a foul. Unlucky!

Everett retired after just a pathetic little dribbler comes back to Halladay. I might be miscounting here but I don't think Halladay has thrown a ball this inning.

1-2-3 inning. It's on!

Bottom of the 3rd

Hey folks, I texted Stoeten and Parkes for some help with the streaming sites but y'know, they're at the game and might just be a little bit shitfaced. Any luck out there?

Wells pops out and has that all-too-familiar look on his face as he jogs to first. Hey, we're up 4-0. I don't care!

LIND! Gets a double past Cabrera. Whatever side you're on with the whole Cito=God argument, I think we can all agree it's just a little bit fucking awesome him making Lind a regular starter, no?

Rolen flies out to deep right.

And Overbay hits is pretty deep to left but caught out. Fuck, it's all good.

Um, there's a bizarro tribute to Ted Rogers going on on Jays Vision. I can't tell if playing "Bittersweet Symphony" is appropriate or totally off.

"Philanthopist" "Proud Canadian" "Monopolist?" Too soon?

Top of the 4th

Shit, there's karma for me with Granderson nailing one out of the park. 4-1.

After that, Halladay makes quick work out of Polanco and Ordonez. Gotta love the guy.

The Doc takes one off the heel. Um, he's still out there. Looking fine. Pray to God.

WELLS! Man, just when I'm shitting my shorts I realize he's out in centre field. Worth every penny.

Bottom of the 4th

Alright, starting to get a bit shitfaced here.

SNI-FUCKING-DER! No fucking way! Dude is 2-2 with a dinger his second at bat opposite field! Fucked up! 5-0! Might us well just hand us the pennant right now. Tits!

SCUTA-FUCKING-RO! What the fuck? Follows that up with a wicked triple. MVP! MVP! MVP!

And even though Hill doesn't get a hit, he picks up an RBI off a sacrifice fly? Or an error? It's all good!

It's 6-1 by the way, and I'd pinch myself because I thought I was dreaming if I didn't just realize that the Tigers aren't exactly the best team in the world. Still, I'm all for delirium. PLAYOFFS!

RIOS! Double!

OK, so I know it's just first game of the season. But who's kinda thinking that we're probably going to take it all this year?

Anyone who saw Verlander's fourth straight ball to Wells can tell he's just begging to get pulled from the game.

Ha! Bonine pitching. Sounds like boner.

Alright, Lind up with runners on 1st and 2nd. Let's fucking punish them.

Fans starting to get a bit rowdy over at the Rogers Centre throwing shit on the field. Just don't break out a fight and ruin things for the real alcohollics over there.

HOLY FUCKING LIND! Fucking stellar three-run dinger. Um, can you jinx a hit for the cycle?

Rolen lines out but it's well hit and shit, I'm kinda feeling sorry for the tigers right now. 9-1!

Ever notice how no matter how hard you and her try, Martine Gaillard just isn't hot?

Top of the 5th

Oh man, the Doc opens it by striking out Laird. If you just sub in Johnny Mac for an inning or two for some defensive gems, they'll be able to compile a highlight reel more impressive than last year's in just one game.

1-2-3 for Halladay. I know that the Doc knows I have to be up at 4 a.m. tomorrow and I thank him for trying to speed things up.

Bottom of the 5th

Can I just say that it is really fucking great to be watching baseball again? The fact that we're up 9-1 has nothing to do with it. But I guess it doesn't hurt either.

Fuck yes, Barajas! Fuck no, to Gord Stellick commenting on it! Fuck off!

Top of the 6th

Hey forget the turnout at the Rogers Centre, we passed the 100 mark in the comments. Thanks for coming out. Much appreciation for the comments, corrections and insults. I've been meaning to reply to some but seriously, this computer is such a piece of shit that I can't do any multi-tasking.

But Jay, nice Simpsons catch on the beachball on the field. "I never realized how boring this game was." Anyone attending the game tomorrow will be getting a painful reminder of that. I feel for 'em.

I think Granderson intimidates picthers into giving him homeruns with the look he has on his face.

Another 1-2-3. It's almost too easy.

Bottom of the 6th

Hill not looking so hot ... for the first game of the season.

But Rios and Wells. This is too inspiring. I should've just taped this game so I could start it up any time we're losing this season to remind me that we're amazing.

Lind hits into a double play. Wow, what a jerk. Get a hit already. Ha! It's funny because it isn't true!

Top of the 7th

Ordonez manages to squeeze out a single. Here's the comeback we've all been dreading.

Oh man, Guillen hits a double into deep right to bring in Ordonez and basically turn this one into a fucking nailbiter.

OK, well shit, Laird hits in Guillen and it's 9-3.

Um, superfuck? Dinger by Inge to make it 9-5. I wanted to bring this up later for discussion in a different context but think it's time for Doc to exit?

Alright, Everett flies out and it's two out.

And that's three. Thank fuck. 7th inning stretch or, if you're at home like me, time to take out the garbage and get another beer.

Bottom of the 7th

Oh man, Rolen gets his first hit. I believe!

Overbay and Barajas doing their best at the plate but really, can we be asking for more runs at this point?

Guess Snider is human after all. Hardly!

Top of the 8th

Alright, the Doc is done after a stellar outing. Shame about the last inning. I'm of the not-so-popular belief though that we should be preserving Halladay a bit more anyway. The complete games are super impressive and everything but that's our golden arm, man!

Oh I'm sorry, did I miss an announcement that Carlos Tosca is now the manager? Carlson gets his guy out and that's it, bring in League. I know it's strategic and all but I still hate seeing that shit. Might have something to do with the fact that I'm not a baseball manager.

It's Mr. Mensa himself on the mound striking out Polanco with a 96 mph pitch. Maybe we should stop making fun of him.

Nah, Ordonez just got a single off of him.

Another single and that's it for League with Downs coming in. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. And that's not just my hemroids.

By the way, many thanks to Anons @ 9:06. I rarely reply to the haters but when I'm being accused by Anon 9:03 of saying Martine Gaillard is hot when I wrote "isn't hot," it's nice to know there are people out there who'll get your back. Nice comeback at 9:12 though anon, you really told them how to fuck off there. Get back to your hockey game.

Bottom of the 8th

Whoa, alright we're back after a computer crash. Everything's alright.

Wait, was it a super hickey on Scutaro or is that just a band-aid? Still, why does he have a band-aid there?

Whatever it is, confused the fuck out of Rincon. Scutaro's on board with a walk. And Hill's time to shine here.

Nice. The hit and run works out better than you could've asked and we've got runners on 1st and 2nd.

And Rios takes a walk and we've got bases loaded with no outs. And if we don't score one run, I'm not watching another game this season.

aapd: That would be awesome. You think ball players still smoke? I think it was the last of the dying breed of sports in which you can smoke and not have it hamper your game.

OK, not quite the heroism I was hoping for from Wells but yeah, we're up 10-5, still no outs.

Lind has a chance to make himself league leader for the next three weeks here.

Yes! Drives in Hill with a single and we're up 11-5. OK, guess it wasn't too much to expect more runs. This is pretty amazing. Key is, to do this every game.

Alright, Rolen brings Rios on a sacrifice fly. While it's not enough to prove that a man can listen to Limp Bizkit and still consider himself an intellectual, it does extend our lead to 12-5. Heyo!

Leyland has taken his players off the field due to excessive shit being thrown on the field. Alright TO fans, simmer down. This isn't an TFC game. Plus, I gotta go to sleep soon. Keep it clean you fucking savages! What do you want, a booze ban for home opener next year?

Come on everybody, throw something onto the field! We are Toronto! Reason #247 to stay at home for home opener.

So that's what the PA dude looks like!

Just heard Sportsnet East has joined us after the Sens-Habs game. Welcome! Sorry we couldn't help you out with the streaming links. Definitely check in with Stoeten and Parkes for that shit next time. As you may have noticed, my computer is a little dated. It's a Mac. But I think it was made when they were more commonly referred to as Macintosh computers.

Alright, we're done but still with added run support. It's all pretty impressive.

Top of the 9th

Billy Tallet!

Now I've heard the man dresses up sharp in vintage 70s clothing. But in this uniform, dude looks kinda silly. Still, that's one out and we're two away from winning season opener. Sweet!

Nice catch by Rios! And that's it, 12-5. Pretty fucking stellar. I know it got a bit hairy there but really, you couldn't ask for anything more. Would be nice if they could give all their pitcher 12 runs of support.

Oh, and that's it. No closing words or anything. Just staright o fucking Connected for fucking hockey highlights to get us crashing back to reality that we still have to endure a few more weeks of "our game." We all know better though. Playoffs!

Thanks everybody for tuning in and for the comments. Best home opener ever. People at the Rogers Centre don't know what they missed. Heyo!

Seven Straight Years

Roy Halladay will take the mound this evening for the seventh straight opening day.

That is all.

Merry Christmas!

Happy opening day, everybody. I know it doesn't really feel like spring here in Toronto, but hopefully this gets you in the mood: it's our first podcast of the season, with special guest Keith Law of ESPN.

It's available on iTunes, and also on TheScore.com.

FYI, finally getting this thing online almost makes up for the fact that I just missed JP Ricciardi in a burrito place on King Street. GAH!

I actually had to edit it myself, and I tell you what, it's a cocksucker of a whore to piece all this together, so I truly appreciate the work Scott Herkes did for us all last year. Also, my having edited means there may be unforeseen fuck ups in there somewhere. I'm pretty sure I nailed it, but you never know.

So, yeah. Enjoy. And if you're going down to the game tonight, for fuck sakes, don't fight anybody.

Musical accompaniment:

The Electric Prunes The Great Banana Hoax, Joy Division Digital, Iggy Pop Nightclubbing, The Brian Jonestown Massacre Servo, Bob Dylan I Don't Believe You (She Acts Like We Never Have Met)

Thick Bush

Merry Christmas! The details of the incident got Matt Bush released have arrived, courtesy the San Diego Union-Tribune.

At a party last Thursday in Dunedin, "someone had drawn markings on his face, according to a complaint made with the Pinellas County Sheriff's Office. He blamed a 23-year-old female, and she accused him of throwing a baseball past her head and banging on her car window to scare her, according to the sheriff's office. She said he appeared intoxicated and acted belligerently."

Charges may be pursued, but Bush has not been arrested.

So long, dickhead. . .

Dry Cunts

Hat tip to arj for this press release from the Jays:

TORONTO, April 3 /CNW/ - Rogers Stadium Limited Partnership, owner of Rogers Centre, and Aramark Entertainment Services, Rogers Centre concessionaire, are both committed to the safe service of alcohol. Their shared goal is a safe and enjoyable environment for all patrons at all events and they continue to direct their efforts to this goal. Notwithstanding this commitment, and our considerable efforts, infractions took place at certain past events.

As a result of these infractions, the Alcohol and Gaming Commission of Ontario is suspending the liquor license for Rogers Centre for three event dates in 2009. The first suspension date is Tuesday, April 7, 2009 (Toronto Blue Jays vs. Detroit Tigers). The other two dates will be April 21, 2009 (Toronto Blue Jays vs. Texas Rangers) and August 1, 2009 (Toronto Argonauts vs. Winnipeg Blue Bombers).

Guests who wish to exchange their tickets for either of the two Blue Jays game dates may do so in person at the Blue Jays box office (Rogers Centre - Gate 9) prior to the start of the April 7 or April 21 game, as applicable. Ticket exchanges are subject to availability.

Now, I can read. I can see that this decision was out of the Jays' hands, but here are a few things that piss me the fuck off about this: firstly, and I actually completely don't give a shit about this, but why an Argos game? What did Argos fans do to deserve this? Assuming, that is, that this is mostly to do with the $2 Tuesday bullshit. If that's the case, and if I was an Argos season ticket holder, or gave one tenth of a shit about the Argos, trust me, I would be livid.

Secondly, I fucking heard this rumour last week, so I called up the Jays ticket office, told them I was thinking of getting tickets for the Tuesday game against the Tigers, and explained, "but I heard a rumour that the whole stadium would be dry for that game." I was assured that there would be alcohol available outside of the 500 level. If I had been a real fan who actually buys single game tickets and doesn't just sneak into the 100s using my season pass, I probably would have bought tickets on those assurances, in which case, at this point, I would have been pissed. This was totally known within the organization, at least at some level, when I called last Monday, but the fucking twats were continuing to sell tickets on the premise that alcohol would be available in the stadium. Fuck. Them.

Thirdly, since the kindly fucks at Rogers market tickets to visiting cities-- including letting them buy single game tickets before the general public in Toronto-- there are probably Tigers fans who are making a trip next week, only to be hit in the face by this bullshit. Even though I would like to pretend I have no sympathy for them, that fucking blows. If I was marketed to, made travel arrangements to come to another fucking country, and then found this out, um... "ticket exchanges" which are "subject to availability" would not fucking cut it. And it really makes me wonder, when do you think Rogers really knew about this? Why do I get the feeling Rogers execs probably pal around on the golf course with members of the Alcohol and Gaming Commission of Ontario? OK, so maybe that's a stretch, but it's not like the $2 Tuesday games were chosen at random-- I'd wager there's been some input from Rogers here, but when?

Lastly, and this is only partially the Jays' doing, does anybody really think that the assholes who got fucking obliterated and started fighting last year were piss-ass drunk on nine dollar beers? Christ, no. These were kids sneaking in mickeys, buying a single Sprite, and pouring all the booze into the one drink-- trust me, I've been there. And, you know, maybe they wouldn't feel the need to do that if beers didn't cost nine goddamn dollars.

Then again, if this is the price we have to pay to maintain the Rogers Centre's lax gate security, which cuts down on lineups and allows responsible drunks like myself to sneak in booze at will, fuck, maybe it's worth it.

Late Addition: Matthias from Mop Up Duty astutely wonders whether alcohol will still be served in the corporate boxes during these games. Can somebody please find out? I would love to shit down some throats if it is...

NY Times Profile of Halladay

I don't really have any comments to add to this New York Times piece by Alan Schwarz on Roy Halladay, because it seems like anyone who actually knows anything about baseball understands what we all do: the guy is a fucking machine.

Some choice quotes to give us all boners:

Asked what makes Roy Halladay the best pitcher in baseball, the Yankees slugger Mark Teixeira widened his eyes with equal parts respect and wonder: “All his pitches start in the same place and end in a different place.”

...

“He’s definitely got the best stuff that I’ve seen — I’d put him right up there with Pedro in 1999,” said Philadelphia Phillies outfielder Raúl Ibáñez, who insisted with a smile that his leaving the American League after last season had little to do with facing Halladay less. “His sinker and his cutter, they’re going in completely opposite directions. Even if you guess right, it doesn’t mean you hit it, because he locates them so well. If he was in New York or Boston, fans would know more about him. But in baseball circles, he’s the best.”

...

The hits Halladay does allow do little damage. The Yankees’ Johnny Damon has rapped him worse than almost any hitter — a .338 career average — but conceded, “When I get the hits it’s with nobody on base.” Sure enough, with 27 hits in 80 at-bats against Halladay, Damon has only 2 runs batted in, one on a solo home run.

...

It all collapsed in 2000, when Halladay posted a 10.64 E.R.A. in 67 2/3 ghastly innings. (Learning that the worst E.R.A. for a pitcher throwing at least 50 innings belongs to the great Roy Halladay is like opening Mozart’s desk drawer and discovering the worst sonata in history.)

...

Pedro Martínez or Randy Johnson unnerved hitters. Halladay inspires them.

“Respectfully, he’s so good that it’s fun to try to compete against him,” Ibáñez said. “He comes right at you. Even if you take an 0 for 4, you’re so locked in — you want to face the best. He’s the biggest challenge out there.”

Beeston's Bullshit?

Fucking far be it from me to break up the little over-compensating love-in we've got going on here today, but am I the only goddamn one to have noticed the CP article this morning that starts:

Here's a little bit of hope Toronto Blue Jays fans can cling to during what might potentially be a long, trying summer: The money for a payroll boost to US$120 million will be there, good economy or not, when the team feels it's ready for a serious run.

"I don't think there's any question about that," interim CEO Paul Beeston said Thursday, adding that he's not sure when that will be but that now was not that time. "If I said the money (should) have been there this year it would have been there, I just didn't believe it in my own mind.

"If I'd say, 'We should do this, we should spend that,' I just didn't believe that one or two new players were going to put this team where we want it to be. And if we believe in our farm system, why would we want all these long-term contracts?"

Well, now hang on just a fucking second, you mean long-term contracts like the ones Manny Ramirez, Bobby Abreu, Pat Burrell, Jason Giambi, Brad Penny, Adam Dunn, John Garland, Carl Pavano, Edgar Renteria, and Randy Wolfe signed?

Sure, a lot of those guys are shitbags, but um... they all signed for only one or two years, and most of the dollar amounts-- let us never speak of Renteria again-- were under-market.

And shit, is a three year contract "long term"? Like the ones Milton Bradley, Rafael Furcal, Kenshin Kawakami, and Raul Ibanez signed?

This off-season probably produced the most ridiculously lopsided buyers' market since Andre Dawson was handing the Cubs a blank contract, so for fuck sakes, don't piss in my mouth and tell me it's raining.

But at the same time, it's weird, you know... the idea that the team, for once, isn't, above all else, trying to pump up ticket sales and create buzz is really refreshing. And it sounds like they probably won't feel the need to hang on to guys at the trade deadline so they can make a cynical late-season push for every single win possible. It's Joe Carter and Paul Molitor who will be responsible for selling tickets to a dog series against Baltimore in August, not some manufactured playoff race.

So then... why try to claim it was a fear of long-term contracts that kept them off of the market this year? Why say now that, regardless of the economy, the team could bump payroll up to $120M? Why act like it's such a big deal to block prospects, as though you can't turn around and flip a surplus asset to fill a hole somewhere else-- a la the Rays trading Edwin Jackson for Matt Joyce?

I mean, we keep being told that 2010 is the year they'll be competitive, so then why, if they had this money, weren't they out there signing cheap two- or three-year contracts this off-season, with an eye to next year? Do they think that it's going to be even more of a buyers' market next winter? Well, then, you know, maybe say so.

I don't know, maybe it's just that I've got a head full of cold medication, or maybe I'm just so jaded from all the years under Paul Godfrey, but I just can't help but think we're still being lied to here-- only by much, much better liars. Then again, I might simply be mesmerized by the fact that this photo (NSFW), for some reason, always comes up when you do a Google image search for "Paul Beeston".

Best Search Engine Referrals

So, like a typical nerdish blogger, every once in a while, I'll check the site's stats to see where people visiting DJF are coming from. One of the options is to see what search terms were used to produce search engine referrals. I haven't looked at this stat in a long time, but today there are a few gems, any one of which would make a particularly amazing band name:

fucked after passing out
young girls shitting
ottawa fat fuck
skanks
retard arms
mini guillotine
faggos
bernie kosar sounds drunk

Doesn't it feel great to be a part of a community?

That team that kicked fuckin' ass to reunite, U.S. lists overlook Carter, Carter overlooks Winnipeg Sun

I don't know if we reported on this yet but apparently the Blue Jays will be hosting a reunion to recognize their back-to-back World Series ass-kicking teams of 1992 and 1993. The event will take place the weekend of Aug. 7-9, with 30 guests scheduled to appear including Roberto Alomar, Devon White, Jimmy Key, Dave Stewart, Ed Sprague, John Olerud, Al Leiter, Pat Hentgen, Kelly Gruber, David Cone, Mike Timlin and of course Joe Carter.

The event will include a gala dinner for $400 and a charity golf event with teams composed of three players and an ex-Jay. Priced at $5,000, I'm wondering if Parkes, Stoeten and I should pull together our life savings and rob a liquor store in order to make this happen. It's not like Rogers is going to let us near these dudes any other way. Knowing our luck though we'd probably get stuck with Gruber. "Have I told you guys about Jesus?" "Yeah dude, a million fucking times already. Tell us some stories about when you used to snort coke off of prostitutes. You know, when you used to be cool? Shit."

Anyways, Carter seems to be downright giddy about the whole thing. Or being paid a lot to act downright giddy about it.

"When I called the guys, you could not believe the response that I got from the guys I talked to," Carter said. "It was more or less, 'Hey, count me in, I'm on board.' And that's the enthusiasm we had back when we played. We played for the love of the game, we played for the city of Toronto and for all of the great fans that we had here, and we still have here."

If "It was more or less, 'Hey, count me in, I'm on board'" was all the enthusiasm they had back in the day, then I think it's pretty safe to say that team was fucking stacked and enthusiasm had nothing to do with it. On top of love of the game, I'm sure incentives such as promising Alomar girls with big titties would be in attendance is helping.

When asked why the event would be hosted 17 years after we kicked fucking ass, Carter joked that it's because they had to wait that long for Timlin to retire. But with some of the skepticism surrounding the Jays chances this year, perhaps Rogers also thought it'd be a good idea to remind Toronto fans that we did at one point kick fucking ass. Carter puts it best when he says:

"It wasn't about a round number. It was the point about bringing something back to the city of Toronto, and for the players. A thank you for some of the greatest fans in the world for their support and how much it meant to us."

And as if that wasn't enough aw shucks you're just saying that about us, Carter took it one step further and called out the U.S. media for not giving high enough regards to one of the greatest moments in baseball history just cause it involved a Canadian team: Himself. Carter feels that the media and baseball historians don't count his legendary game six dinger as the greatest thing ever simply because he accomplished it as a Jay.

"Mine, it will make the top 10 but it's never No. 1, it's never been No. 2, it's always been in the middle of the pack," Carter said Thursday. "Had it been for the Yankees or the Dodgers, then I think it would have been No. 1. But because it was in Toronto, it has not gotten the respect that I think it really should deserve."

"I know what it meant to myself, my teammates and to the country of Canada," he said. "I know that, up here, it would be No. 1. It gets the respect here."

Whatever conflict of interest there might be here (or outright bragging), it's hard not to get behind the man. Then again, you'd think with all the love he gives Canada, the Winnipeg Sun's acknowledgement of his home run as the best Canadian baseball moment of all time would count for something, no? I guess not so much.

On a final note more serious note, Carter's comments do bring up a good point in explaining why something else that is almost inseparable with his moment of glory still hasn't been recognized.

Let's make it happen this year.

Fuckin' A.

The Drunk Jays Fans Guide To The 2009 Home Opener

So, we’re a few days away from opening day, and I figured I’d give you all the weekend to properly prepare yourselves for Monday night. After all, it’s been a long offseason, made even longer by the lack of movement in the Jays roster.

We’ll have the next few months to gripe and groan over disappointing baseball. For this coming weekend, we should focus on opening day, and the delusional hope that creeps inside even the most cynical of fucks, finding entrances wherever it can, getting right up inside you, squirming around, boring through your mind, through your tummy, through your anus.

Which brings us to our first point.

Get Excited

In all likelihood, this season is going to be a wash. Take advantage of the fact that the Jays get to start the year at .500 in a tie for the lead in their division. Outside of the first week, the chance may not come again.

For some of us, there isn’t much more to live for than sitting on a hard plastic chair with a cold beer in hand, watching pitchers from the stretch, listening to the crack of a bat and telling the racial minority in front of you to simmer down after they stand up and shout for every single motherfucking routine fly ball as though it’s a home run.

As the Danimal, drunk as skull, said a couple of home openers back, “You can go to a bar with a field, or you can go to a bar.” I’m not sure what he meant either, but I’m fairly confident that it best encapsulates how you should treat your team’s first home game of the year.

Pre/Post Game Libation

If you weren’t already aware, there’s a little brewery just South East of the Rogers Centre, across Bremner Boulevard. If you play your cards right you can score a couple of free drinks while you mull over going on the brewery tour.

Don’t bother with the tour, but do bother with picking up six beers, walking around to the nearby park and discreetly drinking some bottles of Sprite. Please, for everyone’s sake, discretion is key.

Speaking of discretion, I tend to avoid the whole 500 people get-togethers with matching T-shirts that have a play on words with BJs. It’s kind of lame, and I really hate that group mentality affecting individuals where they start saying/doing things they’d never normally have the balls for.

Instead, after the game, I’m more inclined to journey down to a little bar on Wellington and enjoy a celebratory Caesar with a pickled bean and some serious hot sauce. The burning mouth rids the stale aftertaste of the ten beers you drank at the stadium.

Don’t Be Total Douches To Ushers

Let’s be honest, you’re probably going to be incoherently drunk by the third inning. Pretending otherwise is about as effective as hoping that teaching abstinence will curb teenage pregnancy.

However, your fortification doesn’t mean you have to be a total douche to the usher who asks you not to stand up on your seat and holler at Nate Robertson to “take off his fucking cum shields and shave his faggoty ginger facial hair” in front of the two six year olds sitting in the row behind you.

Yes, a minority of the ushers and usherettes (purrlo!) are total power trippin’ cunts and cuntettes, but the majority are fans just like us. They’re already going to have to tolerate a shitload of Tigers fans who are getting drunk for the very first time. Don’t be a shit in their cut.

Avoid Physical Confrontation

I know what you’re thinking. Pacifism is for pussies. Well, you’re wrong meathead.

Are you seriously in kindergarten or are you just not clever enough to think up derogatory comments to solve confrontations.

On the whole, Tigers fans don’t act as annoyingly entitled as Red Sox fans, but I’m sure there will be a share of dickheads getting wasted and trying to explain that if Miguel Cabrera retired today he’d be a Hall of Famer.

It wouldn’t surprise me for one instant if at some point on Monday night, you’ll get Matt Stairs eyes over some douche bag in a Verlander jersey calling you out, and you’re going to want to punch him in the friggin’ throat.

Steady. Hold. Steady. Unless he’s insulting your girlfriend, mother or sister, stay calm. Call him out for being a fucking caveman from Detroit. Let him know that you could probably afford all of his city’s downtown core with your next pay cheque. Bring up Dontrelle Willis. Fuck, mention Joel Zumaya.

Although, if you have to fight, try to avoid fighting a guy in the row behind you. That one level of elevation can make a huge difference.

The Field Is For The Players

Yo, it's actually not cool to run onto the field during the game.

But if you really didn't get enough attention as a child and you enjoy getting it in the most ill-advised ways possible, don't be half-assed about it, take off ALL your clothes . . . and can you please be an incredibly attractive hot chick, and not a frumpy whale.

Read The Drunk Jays Fans Guides

Look, it’s likely been at least six months since you were at your last game. Even the best of us will be a little bit rusty. Fortunately, we’ve got you covered.

Check out the frame to the right of this post. You should find all the information you need to start your baseball season on the right foot.

Skip the guide to sneaking down because even the mightiest DJF can’t pull that shit at the home opener, and the reading guide was done soberly and ill advisedly . . . and the interweb guide isn’t really all that relevant . . . but the rest, yeah, the rest will tell you all you need to know from where to park your car, what beer to buy, what to do when you catch a foul ball and what to do with your foul balls.

However, for your benefit, I’ll give you a quick do / don't summary:

Do think before you wave, do park on Front St. West of the Dome, do get off at Bremner on the Spadina Street Car, don’t use a glove to catch a foul ball, do give foul balls to a nearby kid, don’t lose your shit for a free T-shirt, don’t buy beer from the Harry Potter-looking tallboy peddler, do buy your program from the Falling Down dude wearing shorts with semen stains, and finally, do use the exit ramps near section 108 or section 135 to get the fuck out of there.

Read it, learn it and love it.

Finally

Don’t you dare fucking pass out!

Shit On This, Parkes

This afternoon, when speaking with assembled media (like here in the Star-- or with some expanded quotes in the Sun), Cito Gaston had a few interesting things to say about his one-time pitcher, Roger Clemens-- who according to upcoming DJF podcast guest Jeff Pearlman's new book The Rocket That Fell To Earth, hand-picked Cito's successor after his first season in Toronto, and possibly helped engineer Cito's firing.

And by interesting I, of course, mean, fucking ridiculously badass and amazing.

"He's an asshole himself. A complete asshole," Gaston said with a chuckle. "And I'll say that loud, right in his face. It was all about him. Ain't about nobody else but him."

...

"When he's pitching, everyone's in the dugout pulling for him, but when he's not pitching he's not in the dugout," Gaston said. "I didn't feel like he supported his teammates as much as he wanted support."

...

"Him and I had some words at one time and I still regret to this day that I didn’t get right up in his face and challenge him,” Gaston said. “It was one time he felt like I had left Pat Hentgen in a game too long. Now you ask Pat Hentgen what he thinks of him. It isn’t too good, either.

Gaston heard of Clemens’ complaint about Hentgen second-hand. Had Clemens voiced his complaint directly, Gaston vows "one of us would have had a whooping that day. It might have been me, but he would have known I was there."

...

Gaston did raise the issue with Clemens and when he asked him about it, Gaston said Clemens responded: ‘What do you want to do?’

“And I said, What do you mean ‘What do I want to do?’

“And he said, ‘Do you want to stay? Or do you want to leave?’ ”

The clear intimation was that Clemens felt he had so much pull that he held Gaston’s fate in his own hands.

Awesome, awesome, awesome! (Also, wow, Clemens is a fucking dick. But I guess we knew that.)

Now, sorry to say, that doesn't change anything we talked about yesterday, but it does make Cito pretty much the most unquestionably fucking nails person to ever mismanage a bullpen-- and twice the man any pussy blogger could ever hope to be. (Happy now, fucks?)

Jays Shave Bush

J.P. Ricciardi's off season gift to the Blue Jays blogosphere was released from the organization.

Apparently, as part of the terms of his agreement with the Jays, Matt Bush received a zero tolerance policy on complying with certain guidelines. At some point this Spring, Bush said fuck that, and did something that will have to be left to our imagination.

My imagination: Eight ball of coke, concealed weapon and whores.

The 2009 Toronto Blue Jays

The Rotation: Roy Halladay, David Purcey, Jesse Litsch, Ricky Romero, Scott Richmond

The Bullpen: B.J. Ryan, Scott Downs, Jesse Carlson, Brian Tallet, Jason Frasor, Shawn Camp, Brandon League

The Lineup: SS Marco Scutaro, 2B Aaron Hill, RF Alex Rios, CF Vernon Wells, 1B Lyle Overbay, 3B Scott Rolen, DH Adam Lind, C Rod Barajas, LF Travis Snider

The Subs: C Michael Barrett, 1B/DH Kevin Millar, 3B/OF/DH Jose Bautista, IF John McDonald

The Fan: Geddy Lee

Meet Your New Backup Catcher

It sounds as though the Jays are now pretty much set, as MLB.com's Jordan Bastian just posted on Twitter that Raul Chavez has been returned to the minors, Joe Inglett has been optioned, and Michael Barrett is now officially the Jays' backup catcher.

Smart move, I think, seeing as Chavez was the more defensive-minded of the two, and it couldn't hurt for the Jays to have another right-handed bat, considering how Lind and Overbay have struggled against LHP, and since Snider is another lefty who'll almost certainly have some growing pains-- no matter how much we'd like to believe otherwise.

Sadly, yes, a lineup with Barrett, Millar and Bautista probably gives the Jays a better chance against LHP than Overbay and the two kids-- though if this really is a development year, why not just let them take their hacks?

Plus it's not like Millar and Bautista were ever going to set the world on fire, so now you hedge your bets a little more, carrying another right-handed guy who can DH or come off the bench, and increasing the odds that at least one of them might not be, y'know, abysmal.

Still Nothing To Hate About This Guy

Brad Mills gave up four earned runs in 5 1/3 innings while only throwing 57 of his 102 pitches for strikes yesterday to further impress manager Cito Gaston in the battle for the final spot in the starting rotation.

After removing his mouth from Mills' cock, Gaston said, "I still say it wasn't that bad at times. He gave up a lot of hits, but he hung in there."

You mean he didn't take himself out of the game? Wow. Total gamesmanship.

With a solid start against the Tigers on Thursday, Scott Richmond should be able to secure the fifth starter's role, but with the way Gaston has been felating Mills all Spring, who the fuck knows?

Both Mills and Richmond have identical ERAs, but the almost Canadian National Team member has a slightly lower WHIP, not that anything under 20 innings can be that telling.

In another line from the According To Cito sitcom script, he justified the demotion of Jeremy Accardo thusly: "That's the same bullpen that led the league in ERA (in 2008). How can you break it up unless somebody gets hurt?"

Hmm. So, what's the justification for moving Scott Downs to closer again?

According to the Star, "Gaston said he was pleased with the way [Accardo] pitched. He seemed to have solved the forearm problems and Gaston said Accardo's fastball got as high as 94 miles per hour."

Yeah, I'm sure Jason Frasor and Shawn Camp will be much better.

Frasor And Camp Are Better Bullpen Options Than Accardo

Hey, check out that headline.

It's really full of shit, huh?

Well, apparently not if you ask the Toronto Blue Jays.

Jeremy Accardo will start the season in Las Vegas, as it now appears that Shawn Camp and Jason Frasor have won the two remaining bullpen spots. If you ask me, the Jays would be better off having the two mechanics in Jays jerseys on either side of Accardo coming out in relief.

I don't know whose decision this was, and I know I just came off spilling out some bile on Cito Gaston (which was predictably popular), but what the mother fucking fuck?

The Globe points to Accardo's 10 runs in 10 1/3 innings this Spring, but may I bring your attention to the fact that seventy percent of those runs were earned in his second outing of Grapefruit League play which included his fourth inning of work in four days. Did a fucking regular starting pitcher put in more innings than that?

I'm dying to hear the justification for this.

Less reactionary update: Okay, okay. A few commenters raised a good point that Accardo was having difficulty finding his splitter all Spring. However, if that's the case, maybe, just maybe the Jays should've let him focus on regaining his out pitch rather than trying to stretch him out.

Gary Sheffield or Kevin Millar?

So Detroit has released Gary Sheffield, and the prospect of picking him up on Detroit's dime seems at least possibly intriguing. Of course, like all New Englanders, JP is a racist (jokes!), so the idea of the Jays pursuing Chef is pretty much moot, and actually, Blair just tweeted that he spoke to Ricciardi and there's no interest-- but should there be?

It seems to me that the only thing Sheffield would be suited for is the Kevin Millar role-- taking some ABs against LHP away from Overbay and Lind. As somebody mentioned in the comments below, I highly doubt Sheffield would be interested in such a limited role, but let's just pretend he would.

Anyway, it turns out Millar's and Sheffield's seasons last year were kind of similar.

Sheffield: .225 / .326 / .400 / .725 with 16 doubles, 19 HR in 482 plate appearances.
Millar: .234 / .323 / .394 / .717 with 25 doubles, 20 HR in 610 plate appearances.

Wait... why are we talking about these shitbags?

Anywho, the LHP splits:

Sheffield: .239 / .314 / .440 / .754 with 4 doubles, 6 HR in 121 plate appearances.
Millar: .238 / .341 / .395 / .736 with 8 doubles, 5 HR in 173 plate appearances.

No, that .314 OBP for Sheffield, that's not a typo. So, even though it means less pop, I think you'd probably have to be inclined to go with Millar here. However, Sheffield's case is made slightly more intriguing if you look just at the second half. Millar's OPS dropped 39 points, from .731 to .692, after the All-Star break, while Sheffield's rose... let's see here... 121 points!

Sheffield's first half: .217 / .323 / .338 / .662
Sheffield's second half: .232 / .328 / .455 / .783

So, if he were willing to take the role, Sheffield might actually be a better option than Millar, if you could be certain he wouldn't Frank Thomas his way through the first half of the season. Honestly, yeah, I'd roll the dice.

I'd compare their spring stats, but when I try to use MLB.com's shitty stats engine, apparently it... uh... "no likey".

Give 'Em Downs Syndrome

So, the word from Cito "Let's Make Accardo A Starter" Gaston is that he's leaning toward leaving B.J. Ryan behind to get his shit straight, while Scott Downs collects all those multiple save opportunities that the Jays are expecting early in the year.

Fuck that shit, yo. Or the equivalent, is what Robert MacLeod is saying over at the no-longer-dormant Globe and Mail baseball blog.

Bobby Mac wonders if Cito may have made a misstep in basically calling out the volatile closer, instead of using the kid gloves that PR Ricciardi has used in the past with Ryan. It's his back, it's his wrist, it's his elbow, it's season ending surgery, it's not lying if you know the truth.

I think I may agree.

There's a reason why The Beej isn't known for his friendly demeanour with the press corps or being open about his outings on the mound. He's not like regular ballplayers who don't mind spewing the 110% bullshit on a nightly basis to a bunch of guys who'd rather get home at a decent hour than probe more deeply. To shine the spotlight on him, isn't going to do Ryan any favours whatsoever.

However, what really sucks about the whole Ryan Meatball Quandary is that The Beej was the only high priced talent outside of Halladay who had some trade value. Unless an improvement occurs promptly, Ryan's next two years are a Rolen-sized albatross tied to an anchor around the necks of management.

Okay, but enough about Ryan's velocity drop, let's talk about how Cito Gaston is an overrated sack of shit manager. Seriously, Gaston gets such a fucking free pass from all the World Series Coca Cola song goosebumpers that it makes me ill.

Some select quotes from Gaston this offseason that would've gotten John Gibbons assassinated:

"If you really sat down and looked at it, would it make us a better team if we signed A.J. back?"

"Rios can do as well as Wells or better."

"Accardo's a guy that we're trying to stretch out and maybe he might fill one those starting roles."

After Brad Mills allows four runs off six hits over five innings: "What's not to like about this guy?"

I know the Jays performed better last season with Cito at the helm, and Cito was the new black after the extended winning streak, but can we maybe be a little more critical of Gaston?

After the Gary Denbo disasterpiece, John McDonald as hitting coach would've brought improvements. And some of his actions and comments this season have seemed downright senile.

I've got a sinking feeling that Gaston is going to get a pass on the shitstorm season about to ensue while Ricciardi takes the brunt of the blame. After J.P. gets let go, it wouldn't surprise me for a moment if Gaston is able to ride Ricciardi's team architecture in 2010 toward success.

Update: Additional fucking retarded ideas that Gaston had this Spring (crotch grab to Anonymous for jogging my memory):

1. Considering Jose Bautista in centre field.
2. Considering Joe Inglett at shortstop.

Monday Night Tidbits

The Beej and The Ginger Giant

Take a step back and think about this for a second: continuing two well-established spring trends this year, BJ Ryan sucked and David Purcey was fucking fantastic this afternoon. (wait... Purcey’s a ginger, right?)

Seriously, how weird is that? (The pitching thing, not the ginger thing. Although. . . )

Ryan gave up a run on two hits, including a double, plus a strike out, in one inning. Cito said he didn’t check the velocity, but it looked like it was down. For his part, the Beej tried to stay positive about his outing, which is… comforting?

"The runs are just (from) pitching behind," he told reporters, as quoted by the AP (via the Globe). "Pitch behind in counts and you get in predictable counts. Aside from that there were some good things that came out of today."

Purcey went six innings, walking five, but giving up only two hits and one run.

"He started the game off a little rough," Gaston said, "but I thought he threw the ball real well. His whole thing is control. If he goes out there and throws strikes he usually pitches a good ball game."

Romero

I’m a pretty cynical fuck, but there’s no other way to put it but to say this is a really nice story from John Lott in the National Post about Ricky Romero telling his parents the news about his breaking camp in the rotation, and how exactly he got to this point in his career. Frankly, if it doesn’t make you want to cheer for him, you sir, are a better cynical fuck than I.

And, shit, maybe there’s reason for more optimism than we’ve been giving credit:

"I went to J.P. and said, I've got to do something with this kid," Arnsberg said Monday. "He's never going to be the guy that we hope he's going to be if we don't make these adjustments. And J.P. just gave me full rein at that time. But the most important part was that you had a kid that was hook, line and sinker into it."

The adjustments were mechanical and mental. Arnsberg realigned Romero's delivery and boosted his self-respect. The self-respect part took a little longer. Scouts always said Romero had great stuff, but he never quite believed it, especially when he gave up a homer or walked a couple batters.

"I said when you walk out there on that mound, you've got to feel like you're a bad dude," Arnsberg recalled.

"I did a kind of a gut-search with him, and let him understand that, ‘Man, if you had what we see in you, if you had that in yourself, you could write your own ticket.' So he kind of ran with that. All of a sudden this six-foot-one man seemed like he was six-foot-five. He walked around a little different."

Fox Sports Radio?

I mentioned this in the comments below, but I'll put it here because I guess I wasn't the only one who found Jason Smith, the host of ESPN’s Late Night Radio, which the Fan 590 used to broadcast overnight, fucking irritating as piss.

Yes, I said used to. As of tonight, it appears that the Fan will be going with Fox Sports Radio instead of ESPN for their overnight hours—when us drunks really hit our wheelhouse, FYI.

I’m sure someone who’s actually listened to FSR is going to be quick to point out how shitty it is too, but well, y’know, hahaha, ESPN Late Night Radio is kind of, pfffffft!, it’s kind of like a [snicker], like an episode of 90210. Hahaha [pissing myself]. It fucking sucks.

Quickly…

You know the Dugout is hilarious, right? Well, they apologize for the way they typically ignore the Jays. It’s just, well… “the Blue Jays chat room is an immense dark void, populated only by a reflective, curious Cito Gaston.”

Phil Rogers of the Chicago Tribune gives us four teams from his observations this spring: the All-Cactus League, the All-Grapefruit League, the All-Baseball America and the All-Going Backwards teams. Believe it or not, no Jays made the latter team, but two of them did make the prospect-flavoured All-Baseball America group: Ricky Romero, and Brad Emaus-- “A 22-year-old ranked as one of Toronto's top-10 prospects, he's never played above A-ball but looked like a big-leaguer.” (Which, um, is why once Aaron Hill gets comfy and feels sufficiently concussion-free, he really ought to be moving to short, no?)

ESPN’s Jayson Stark took a chat question today about what he thinks of the Jays’ back of the rotation guys—I’ll take it: “I've actually seen that staff quite a bit this spring. And Cecil, in particular, looked tremendous. They want to be careful with his innings, a la David Price. But I could see him being a big second-half call-up.”

Late addition!!! Travis Snider was on the Bullpen this morning with Mike Toth (Hogan was off for the day with bronchitis-- get well soon, Mike). Um... I haven't listened to this yet, but I can only assume that it's a little thing we in the business call radio fucking magic. EDIT: BULLSHIT! They only have 16 seconds of Radio Magic to listen to. WTF, Fan? I want my Radio Magic!!!!

McGowan Setback, Marcum Ahead of Schedule

Ken Fidlin writes in this morning's Toronto Sun that "the possibility exists now that Dustin McGowan might not rejoin the rotation until spring training in 2010."

True, we kind of knew this from a couple of weeks ago, but now we've got more specifics than just Cito's ominous statements about hoping he "can come back, whether it's June or July or even next year. We just hope that he can get that shoulder back together and be able to pitch again."

"I don't know when he's going to come back," manager Cito Gaston said yesterday before the Jays' game against the Houston Astros.

"I'm not sure he's going to come back at all this year. Let's hope he does. But I'm not sure.

"It's just taking longer for him to get it back to where it needs to be. He still has some pain so there's no sense of pushing it and set him back further. (The medical staff) are taking it easy with him and whenever he comes back, we're not going to worry about it. We'll put him on the backburner, wish he was here but know he's not and go about our business."

It sucks, but he's right. As much as I still do think there's a chance that the Jays can be a whole lot more competitive than people are giving them credit for, and that McGowan could be a big help if they're actually able to hang around with the juggernauts of the AL East, obviously priority one has to be getting McGowan straight and not rushing him back into action. Lets hope the Jays stick to this plan, and don't try to manufacture the idea that they're in a race in a late-season push to sell tickets... like they always fucking do.

"Ironically," Fidlin continues, "Shaun Marcum, who had reconstructive surgery on his right elbow late in September and is not expected back until next spring, is progressing faster than McGowan. He has been playing catch regularly during camp and has been lobbying for a chance to get back later this year."

Tits!

Stuff

OK, so obviously the big news today is that Ricky Romero-- who, in the picture above, I believe is being played by LL Cool J-- has made the rotation, after a solid seven innings yesterday against the Astros, which included "probably one of the best innings [Cito's] seen all spring."

He'll slot in behind Halladay, Purcey (who moves to number two just to break up the lefties), and Litsch. So it appears that all that's left now is to decide between Scott Richmond or Brad Mills.

Now, I've said a bunch of times that I'd lean towards letting the older guys, Clement and Richmond, pitch their way out of the rotation, which I guess has to do with not fucking up the kids' confidence by having them get shelled, but, well... I probably shouldn't be such a pussy about it.

And I definitely like what our friend SP had to say about it in the comments below: "People were acting like he was a lost cause at 21 but he has reached the majors 2 years before Purcey and about the same time as Marcum and McGowan. We can give him 10-12 starts and if he completely shits the bed, then we replace him with Janssen or a hopefully healthy McGowan [er... let's actually say Cecil here, and Mills, and maybe toss in Clement, if he can ever figure it out]. This is a win-win deal."

Plus, it makes JP's selection of him in the '05 draft look good, so that's win-win-win in this apologist's book.

Obscenely Premature Halladay Trade Rumours Won't Die

Here's a quote from Ricciardi in the Boston Globe on the subject of trading Halladay, with a little added note from Globe writer Nick Cafardo, who placed the good Doctor first among his "updates on nine" players who are, presumably, available on the trade market:

"We're still the same on that topic. If our ownership says, 'Hey, listen, our payroll next year can't be what it can be this year,' we'd have to exhaust every possible avenue before we go down that road. That's not what we're looking to do."

Cafardo adds, "Halladay has a full no-trade clause, but that likely won't be a hindrance in dealing him because he wants to pitch for a winner."

So... JP brushes off the idea as much as he possibly can without ruling it out entirely, and then Cafardo acts like folks really need to keep an eye on this situation, and just assumes everything Ricciardi has said is pretty much bullshit. I mean, believe me, I totally understand the impulse, and I understand that a Halladay trade would be massive and everything, but seriously, please just fuck off.

Programming Note

You can finally stop asking: the DJF Podcasts are coming back.

I don't like to announce guests ahead of time, because we're complete amateurs and we learned last year that things tend to get fucked up from time to time, but we're hopeful that we'll be able to get the timing straight and have Keith Law as our guest this week. Jeff Pearlman, author of The Rocket That Fell To Earth and a shitload of other great stuff is another upcoming guest, we're trying to find a contact email from Leon "Dutch Clutch" Boyd (hint hint), and there are a few more irons in the fire for the weeks to come.

If there's anyone who you'd like us to have on the podcast, make some suggestions in the comments-- but keep in mind that we kind of want to keep getting guests, so we can't really be dicks to these people. (Well... either that or were just pussies who clam up like every single goddamn Wednesdays With JP caller. But that can't be right, can it?)

Quickly

Phoenix's East Valley Tribune checks in on Shea Hillenbrand and his vast array of wild animals. I know it's easy to shit on Shea-- here, watch: Brian Sabean is a fucking idiot for, among other things, trading for Shea Hillenbrand. See?-- but it says here that he and his wife run "a nonprofit foundation called Against All Odds that pairs abused, neglected, disabled or underprivileged kids with rescued animals on the farm that have, in many cases, endured similar backgrounds." That's pretty damn solid.

Twins blogger Seth Stohs of SethSpeaks.net has a slew of kind words for the recently-retired Corey Koskie in the Minneapolis-St. Paul Star-Tribune.

Speaking of Leon Boyd (we just were, weren't we?), BC web magazine The Tyee has a nice piece on ol' Dutch Clutch.

Huh? Richard Griffin's Power Rankings? I can't be bothered to pick these apart, but FYI he has the Jays below every team in the AL except the A's and O's, with the note, "until they prove otherwise." You know what? That's fair.

Speaking of Griffin, he says in his most recent mail bag that he prefers overpaying Scott Rolen to overpaying Troy Glaus. He also appears to enjoy blowing my mind.

The Newark Star-Ledger must have dipped into the archive of one of our local rags for this story on how AJ Burnett is really going to be a "pitcher" this year, and not just rearing back throwing fastballs all the time. I presume they mean, at least until the first time one of his off-speed pitches gets tagged hard. Oh AJ, never change. Oh wait, you won't.

Mike Wilner spoke with Roy Halladay over the weekend, who apparently insists that he's human. Yeah, good one.

Mop Up Duty has posted an excellent Jays blogger round table where I, as usual, cannot seem to fucking remember that the Jays are moving Scott Campbell to third. Hmm. And I apparently can't spell his name right either. At least all the other guys have their shit together.

I hesitate to rehash this old thing, but it seems like Stewart just barely edged Reed at the Rogers Centre again. (Thanks, anon.)

Pure Class

Just listening to Scott Richmond shit the bed on radio here, and I've got to say, even though I say it every year: my God hail Satan, Jerry Howarth and Alan Ashby are amazing.

Jerry kicked off the broadcast with some kind words about John Brattain, and I'm sorry to make it about this, and I'm not trying to call out anyone else, because Jerry talked about how he got to know John, and I don't know who else might have, but it's just so refreshing to hear a guy who has been such a huge part of the Jays family for 28 years acknowledge and celebrate the life of a man who had his feet at least as firmly planted in the blogosphere as he did in the mainstream. I know that John wrote for numerous publications, big and small-- he just loved doing what he did that much-- but I always thought of him as one of us, rather than as one of them. And the relationship between bloggers and folks in the mainstream, though it's changing, often is adversarial like that, and maybe I'm giving too much thought to that aspect of it, but for Jerry to reach across that line and say those nice words about John, it just struck me as so incredibly classy. Like, head-shakingly, how could I ever be that classy? classy.

Maybe I'm just hung over, but that's how it struck me.

And, of course, it made me think, yet again, of the absolute fucking crime it is that Rogers employs Jerry and Alan, yet on the TV broadcasts, we get Jamie Campbell and his revolving cast of rejects shoved down our throats. Ugh. And the Delay Play Radio isn't ready to ship until May!

Friday Bullshit

The Orioles' Hayden Penn is out of options, and so, according to MLBTR, the O's are trying to figure out what the fuck to do with him, seeing as he's too shitty to crack a rotation that it looks like Adam Eaton and Mark Hendrickson might.

Adam Eaton and Mark Hendrickson.

Yet, here we have the normally-sane Rob "Rock you like a" Iracane of Walk Off Walk trying to predict with a straight face not only, a) that the Red Sox have too many injury question marks, but that the Yankees will sail to the division title (good luck with that one, Rob), and b) that the Jays will finish below the Orioles.

Now, granted, I have a pretty shitty track record myself when it comes to this stuff-- I'm sure some friendly type will be quick to point out how absolutely certain I was that the Jays would at least finish ahead of Tampa last year (is it too late to claim that I meant their Pythagorean record?)-- but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that there is absolutely no fucking way that the Jays finish below Baltimore, barring an injury to Halladay, that is.

And speaking of the Doctor, in the Jays section of the preview Iracane asks, "Will he win 20 games with a worsening offense?"

With a what?

So... a shitload more at-bats for Lind, Snider, Hill and Wells is going to make the offence worse? Using Millar to spell Overbay's .540 OPS or Lind's .688 OPS against LHP is going to make the offence worse? Being able to put Bautista at third when the inevitable Rolen injury hits, instead of shifting Scutaro over and putting Johnny Mac at short is going to make the offence worse?

Holy fuckballs! If we only knew maybe we could have stopped Kevin Mench from slipping away to the fucking Hanshin Tigers.

And how's this: none of that stuff touches on the dramatic difference between the Alex Rios of the first half and the Alex Rios of the second half.

Rios looked like he was confused as hell by hitting coach Gary Denbo's insistence on working the count, which may have been compounded by anxiety over the fact that he was about to become a new father. No, you're making excuses.

Either way, Denbo was fired on June 20th, Alex's daughter was born July 11th, and in the second half both his slugging and his OPS increased by 141 points (his OPB stayed the same-- and all this despite his BABIP dropping 41 points). So, um, I'm going to throw down a giant and completely un-homerish abso-pissing-lutely not on the idea that Rios "peaked at age 25 and is on a slow descent into Rondell White territory."

Now, if I really wanted to be homerish, I'd point out how-- granted, in a very small sample size-- Scott Rolen's numbers looked pretty terrific (for Scott Rolen in the year 2008) after he came back for good with his adjusted swing at the end of August: 8 doubles, 4 HR, and .298/.350/.532/.882 in 103 plate appearances.

OK?

I won't even bother talking about how much better the pitching is going to be than people expect-- in relative terms, I mean-- and, well, as for Baltimore, need I remind you of Messrs Hendrickson (78 '08 ERA+) and Eaton (75). I'll take my chances with Litsch, Purcey, Janssen, Cecil, Mills and the Ghost of Dustin McGowan, thanks.

Meh: A's Acquire Curtis Thigpen

According to MLB Trade Rumors, John Lott of the Post is saying somewhere-- which I can't quite find, but whatever, let's just go with it-- that the A's have picked up Thiggy (ugh) for a PTBNL or cash.

Goodbye, Curtis. You'll always be my favourite Reggie Cleveland All-Star. Except for Travis Snider. And Reggie Cleveland. And possibly Jacob Brumfield. Good luck all the same, though, I guess.

Checkin' in with Josh: The Return to Syracuse

After a sad week for the baseball blogging community, finally some misfortune we can laugh at. Well, at least that you can all laugh at.

Last week, my hero Joshua Towers was sent to Washington Nationals' Triple-A minor league camp, which just so happens to be his second home, Syracuse.

Towers was sent down along with outfielder Justin Maxwell, who the Nationals acknowledged as their best defensive centre fielder likely to return some time in the future. Towers on the other hand, was not really acknowledged. He left that to himself:

"[Nationals manager Manny Acta] said he knows what I can do. ... They realize I can throw strikes. He told me to go down there and do what I can do and see if things work out."

So in other words: "Uh, yeah kid, just go down there and pitch or whatever and get out of my face."

Towers had a 2.45 ERA in two games this spring and I'm sure was fucking nails. As MLB.com pointed out, Towers just wants to show that he can be the pitcher who won 13 games for the Blue Jays in 2005. Ah, we'll always have 2005.

Time to renew my MiLB Gameday membership.

Thursday Apologetics: Beej Edition

"There's some concern," Cito says about the fact that, on one of his fastballs Tuesday against the Phillies, the Beej only managed to hit 84 mph. Apparently his velocity wasn't reaching the 89 or so he was generally at last year, which itself was down from 91-92 that we saw in his dominant 2006 seasoon-- at least, according to the first Globe blog post in two-and-a-half weeks, which I should add, only specifically mentions one reading on the gun.

That, of course, isn't to say that I don't believe his velocity is down, it's just, I'd have liked maybe a little more data before I just assume that something horribly, horribly wrong is happening-- unlike the fucking idiot who's already shown up in the comments of the post below, pissing on Ricciardi for the Beej signing with all the hindsight his pea brain can muster.

That, of course, isn't to say that I would ever be in favour of giving that much money to any reliever, let alone to one whose mechanics threw up a fuckload of red flags in the eyes of a lot of people. It's just, you can't shit on Ricciardi for stuff like that without acknowledging the entirety of the situation he was in at the time-- that, first and foremost, like just about anyone in any job, his instinct is toward self-preservation, and the positive impact of buzz and ticket sales probably offset some of the potential risk.

Does that mean I'm defending the contract, regardless of whether the Beej is fucked or not? No, I'm just saying it's not quite as easy to shit on as the "Wahh! Ricciardi!" meat heads who will inevitably call us apologists (and then unsurprisingly offer nothing more to the conversation) would like to "think"-- I use the term loosely.

Anywho... you're goddamn right, Cito. There's definitely some concern in this corner too. I guess if there's a silver lining it's that this season is a write-off anyway the bullpen is the one area of the team that could withstand the possible loss of its best player. But who knows what the fuck might be happening? All we know is that it's been a real shit show, so far, just about every time the Beej has stepped onto the hill-- though they insist that he's "in tip-top physical shape."

Uh... for those of you who've been waiting, I'm thinking now is probably a fair time to start getting cynical about the Jays' record of making statements like that which are, you know, complete fucking lies. Of course, the information we have at this point, though ominous, is scant, so I guess we should try to not go nuts over this, but... well... fuck it: something's really wrong here, isn't it?

Flashback Friday With... Boomer Wells?

Forgive me if this has already been pointed out by less lazy bloggers than I, but holy shit, has anybody else taken a look at the list of players who have confirmed their attendance for the Flashback Friday night on June 5th, which commemorates the 20th anniversary of the Jays' 1990 1989 AL East winning team?

Let's see, there's Jesse Barfield, Cito Gaston, Kelly Gruber, Tony Fernandez, Rance Mulliniks, Tom Henke, Duane Ward, and... ehrm, David Wells.

Am I way off base in thinking that the "silent, surly, cluelessly negative" fans of the team he'd rather "play for hell" than might not quite be ready to embrace their former ace-- regardless of whether or not what he infamously said was, y'know, for the most part kind of bang on?

No, seriously, I have no idea how the fans are going to react. Anyone?

But shit, at least it means there will still be a reason to go out to the ballpark, at least for one night, in early June. Ugh.

Infamous quotes lifted from the review of Perfect I'm Not at Pop Matters.

A Bit More On Brattain

I was first introduced to John Brattain through an MSN/Sympatico sports article that questioned some managerial decisions of John Gibbons. I disagreed with it vehemently and assumed the writer was little more than an ignorant windbag. Well, it turned out he wasn't ignorant.

Brattain could fill out a blog post with all the verbosity of Oscar Wilde (but without the homo stuff), and his readers were richer for each of his words.

Whenever there is a death in baseball, we try to be somewhat respectful, but it has a lot more to do with respect for the people who were hurt by the death than it does any personal feelings that we might have. In all honesty, I was chomping at the bit to start making jokes about Cory Lidle.

However, upon learning of Brattain's untimely passing, I was actually saddened.

The news made me go through some of his correspondences, and I came across an encouraging note he sent me while the comments sections were running rampant with insults directed at my mother.

I just know I had my share of dark days and doubts (and more than my share of nasty hate-mail and other idiocy) as I was making my way through but now I get paid to watch ball games and drink beer--a laudable career goal if there ever was one. I’ll never be rich but I’ll bet I had a lot more fun than a lot of CEOs.

The eeriness in his use of the past tense not withstanding, there is a lot of comfort to be drawn from that statement. I didn't know John incredibly well, but what I did know about him was that he was a thoughtful person who did what he loved.

And that's a pretty fucking good way to spend your days.

As Stoeten already mentioned, our thoughts go out to the Brattain family at this time.

John Brattain

Oh man... Many of you were aware that John Brattain, our friend, frequent commenter, podcast guest, and guest blogger, was recently due to undergo a heart procedure. I just received the awful news that John went in on Monday, and unfortunately did not survive. Our thoughts and our deepest condolences go out to his family. He will be greatly missed.

Best regards, John.

Tuesday Grab Bag

The Rocket That Fell To Earth

Big excerpt from Jeff Pearlman's new book on Roger Clemens, The Rocket That Fell to Earth, on Fox Sports, which has a lot of juicy Jays stuff-- and I don't mean the rolling papers. Most of it we already knew, but let's recap anyway.

- The Jays signed Jose Canseco at Clemens' request.
- The Jays interviewed, but ultimately passed over, Davey Johnson, Larry Bowa, Paul Molitor and Willie Randolph, and hired Tim Johnson as their manager. Main reason: Clemens really liked Johnson from their time in Boston.
- Then assistant-GM Tim McLeary put in the name of his old college friend and baseball teammate to fill the Jays' vacant strength-and-conditioning coach position: Brian McNamee. "Yankees who remembered McNamee from his days with the team [as bullpen catcher] were stupefied. McNamee as a strength and conditioning coach? Hadn't even entered their minds."
- "Reliever Dan Plesac, a 13-year veteran who cringed at the allowances the organization made for its ace, went so far as to name one of his horses "The 21 Rules" in honor of Clemens' special treatment. It was far from a compliment."
- Robert Person tells of how Tim Johnson's lie was exposed: "We all chipped in once and bought him a motorcycle as a present. Roger came up with the idea of learning what Marine unit he served in and painting it on his helmet. When we tried finding out, well, there was nothing there."
- Then assistant-GM Dave Stewart doesn't mince words about the Rocket: "He was a great pitcher, but he wasn't really conducive to winning. He had pitched for almost 15 years in the majors, and not once had Roger made a difference in anything having to do with winning for a ball club when it counted. So to me, if Roger wanted to leave, let him. Good-bye, farewell, have a nice day. We'll be just fine without you. And probably better."

Oh yeah, and Clemens was roided the fuck up. (Allegedly)

(Shameless plug: There's a great video of a Pearlman interview, regarding his book on the early 90s Dallas Cowboys, on TheScore.com Blog.)

Clement Cut... From The Big League Team

When I heard that the Jays had cut Matt Clement, I figured that was it, but not quite: they've given him a minor league offer, which he'll mull. Evidently this has something to do with the Ark of the Covenant.

Obviously I haven't been there watching, but I'm still a little puzzled with the decision to cut bait on the guy and go with the kids out of the gate.

True, he was brutal in his last outing, but-- and this is a terrible comparison-- so was Roy Halladay's. I'm sure it was more than just one outing that dropped him from the rotation picture, but I'd just rather see some consistent performances in the minors from the youngsters before they're thrown into the fire.

Then again, if you go with Clement, and it turns out that-- shock-- he funkin blows, if the kids are sucking in the minors, then what do you do-- move a kid up a level when he's struggling? That's hardly ideal either, so... maybe I'm wrong. I guess it's kind of nice, on the Jays part, to at least not string him along until the bitter end. Now he can decide where to go from here, I guess. But the thing about that is, I actually don't really care.

The Greatest Promotion Ever

Last week on Puck Daddy we were told about the Las Vegas Wranglers hockey team. The beautiful, beautiful Las Vegas Wranglers hockey team, who, tonight, will delay puck drop by an hour and a half, because they'll have their Over-18 Night which includes an "open bar for $20 starting at 7:30 p.m. and two-for-one drinks for fans 21-and-older throughout the game." The night also includes DJ Mike Relm, and strippers! (Though, unfortunately, no nudity.)

Are you listening, Rogers?

Holy Shit, I Agree With Dave Perkins

Not like he went out on a limb or anything, but in today's Star, Perkins shrugs off the hand-wringing about why Americans don't really give a shit about the WBC-- since they don't feel the title means anything, because it's still their sport-- figuring that, with more time, and more defeats, they'll get the message. Of course, Perkins uses a hockey analogy-- which I'll spare you-- to explain it.

Matt (expletive) Bush

Jays "prospect", and former number one overall pick, Matt Bush, has been formally charged in the February incident where he allegedly drunkenly "threw a golf club into the dirt, picked up and threw a freshman lacrosse player and hit another one," before shouting "I'm Matt (expletive) Bush," and "(expletive) East County". If convicted, he faces up to four years in jail and a $2,000 fine.

Jesus, four years sounds reasonable, but that two grand on top of it really stings!

Quickly-ish

ESPN has a chat with Dave Winfield at 4 PM EST today.

Bet Firms doesn't predict great things for the Jays, or "Kyle" Overbay. Uh... you might want to get a second opinion, though, just to be safe.

Old news, but important to mention: Corey Koskie has given up on his comeback after feeling lightheaded. Shitty.

Murray Chass in the Herald de Paris? Writing about Mike Piazza's backne again? What a world we live in!

Did we mention that the Jays might use Litsch in the third spot if three lefties make the rotation? I can't remember, because I'm not sure Jesse was even born when I started writing this fucking post.

Wells, Scutaro and Barrett each had two hits, including a double each, this afternoon, while David Purcey gave up 8 hits in six innings, but only one earned run (two total). The Beej and the Brandon League were shittay.

In trying to pretend that their team doesn't suck, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review is also going to try to pretend that Shitske doesn't suck. I should probably be easier on those hard-luck Pirates fans, but it's just so damn easy.

Jeff Blair won't ever put Curt Schilling on his ballot-- "invoking the 'Gary Carter: Jerk' rule". Because yeah, apparently now it's the Hall of Guys Who Were Nice To Jeff Blair. Fuck sakes.

Cito likes the WBC, thinks the US should start camp early, and says he wouldn't have dissented if Roy Halladay wanted to play. Holy shit, wouldn't it be awesome to see Doc play on the kind of stage that, let's face it, he's never going to play on here. (Ouch!)

Quickly Because My Boss Is Looking Over My Shoulder

Item 1: The Matt Clement Comeback Tour is over, or rather, it will, at the very least, be put on the same shelf as the Ark of the Covenant in the Indiana Jones movie that wasn't a total piece of homeless shit eaten by another homeless man only to be shit out again.

Item 2: Curtis Thigpen has been sent to Minor League camp, and will most likely start the year at Double A where he'll back up Brian Jeroloman and play a variety of infield positions for an opportunity to make the big club that will never come. Yes, my heart goes out a little bit to him, but then again whenever I put my heart out there it gets beaten up. I'm pretty sensitive that way, so maybe I'll pull it back.

Item 3: Thigpen's exit means that the backup catching position battle is between Michael Barrett and Raul Chavez. Bastian likes Barrett, but I've heard that Chavez has impressed. Maybe if they didn't sign Bautista, they could've afforded to talk to Pudge. Maybe I don't really care, but I still think that Bautista deal is bullshit.

Item 4: Once again, that game last night between Korea and Japan was NAILS! Motherfucking NAILS! With no homeless shit in sight.

Are You Watching This Shit?

Japan and Korea are all tied up heading into the top of the tenth of the WBC final.

Some Asian guy on Korea knocked one through on the left side of the infield to tie the game in the ninth off Yu Darvish.

Update: Japan wins in the tenth due to some dramatic Ichiroism.

Clement Clobbered

Reclamation project Matt Clement gave up more runs than a cocktail of prunes and ex-lax yesterday against the Minnesota Twins. According to most of the papers this morning, his four and a third innings of shitballing pretty much guarantee his removal from the race for the remaining rotation spots.

It's doubtful that Clement will receive another start this Spring.

Enter Ricky Romero.

Romero, a fringe candidate from the beginning of Spring, has worked with Brad Arnsberg to emerge as a possible candidate with Scott Richmond, who also pitched yesterday, and Brad Mills, who can do absolutely no wrong in the eyes of Cito Gaston.

Romero goes today against the Reds, and I'll be interested in a Spring Training game for the first time this year.